Oh wait, folks! It was just a clever ruse! Because Team Rated RKO isn’t in the ring at all, nor are they on their way to the ring! No! They’re on the Titan Tron. Maybe

Randy Orton: I, Ranky Q. Morgan gnome what you’re all tinking, and no, we’re not going to pay Pointer Lock Sisters for the WWZ Tag Teen Clandestine Ships! No, no, my best frond Pudge and I-

Edge: Wait, wait! Pudge? Pudge?!

Orton: -aren’t going to be no cuttin’ jerkys! We won’t whipple in any thong, but the made erect! That’s the way Teen Rapid Arcade-O bowls!

Edge: Randy, I’m not entirely comfortable wi-

Orton: Oh, Stan Mitchell! You should’ve worn an Optard last night! For Breast Suffering Apter! I know you lop your style! But apting like you donut? Belligerent!

Edge: You know what? Next time we really, really, absolutely must cut a promo? I’m going to be the one doing it. Anyway, roll the footage.

Oh boy! A Shawn Michaels turning on his friends montage! I love these! Ooooh, Marty Jannetty getting thrown through a plate glass window! Sucks to be you, Marty! SUPERKICK to Kevin Nash~! Which was honestly the best thing to ever happen to Nash’s career so…X-Pac? Can your really blame him for that one? I mean…And kicking Booker T out of the nWo probably saved Booker’s career…And Hogan, don’t even get me started on Hogan…and what was the point of that?

Shawn Michaels: See, that’s what I’m trying to tell you, John. Other than Jannetty, you can’t blame me for any of those, and in the case of Nash and Booker, it only helped their careers that I’m such a dick. You should want me to turn on you.

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Mick Foley: Yeah, I know tons of people. I wrote about it in this here book. Did you know I once beat myself bloody in front of Kofi Anon? That’s in my book. And the time Ellen Degeneres piledrove me into a pile of thumbtacks. Oh! Oh! And the time I asked Tough Enough Jessie to the Prom and she ran away crying. Oh yeah!

Shelton Benjamin v. Jeff Hardy
Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

You know, Shelton has stolen that match twice now, and he’s still not any more over than he was the first time he did it, so I’m taking Jeffers in this match. Especially since he’s rocking the Lemon-Lime/Blue Raspberry snocone hair tonight. Man, I love snocones. Is it time for the State Fair yet? I could go for about 11 snocones and a fried candy bar right about now. Mmmmm…State Fair food. Wait…is there still a match going on? Well, Shelton dumps Jeff to the outside, so I guess the answer is, “No.”

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When we come back, Shelton Benjamin is all falling off the ropes like he’s Jeff Hardy or something, and at first WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance signals that Randy Orton has won the spot, but then he waves that off when he learns that Shelton didn’t fall over so much as he slipped off. It’s a subtle but important distinction. You don’t want to get things like that wrong in matches with stakes as high as…Guy who won’t win the Money in the Bank anyway. Jeff uses this momentary lapse in action to hit the Twist of Fate and Swanton for the win. That’s still really confusing to me. How is Jeff Friggin’ Hardy the most solid worker in the company right now? Jeff’s celebration is short lived, however, because he’s interrupted by the ghastly visage of Vince McMahon…On the Titantron.

Vince McMahon: OooooOOOooooOooooo! It is I, the ghastly visage of Vince McMahon! Jeff Hardy! Enjoy your Money in the Bank loss at Wrestlemania! Because you were already beat by my man, the Samoan Submi-I mean, Bulldozer! Totally Not Jamal! Speaking of which, here’s some more Photoshops of Donald Trump! Like him in
“The Scream.” And here’s one that I really like of him as the heads of the snakes on the Snakes on a Plane movie poster. Um…I don’t know why I’m even showing you any of this crap. Hey, let’s make fun of Hulk Hogan! Guys? Guys?

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Hey! Did you hear Ashley is going to be in Playboy again? I hope they Photoshop her stupid tattoos off just to spite her.

Melina: Hey, Johnny? Have you seen this video of Ashley being in Playboy? That’s the least hot WWE Playboy photoshoot since…who was in it last year? Boobsie? Since Boobsie! Why the WWE Women’s champion doesn’t get more atte-

Johnny Nitro: Oh, shut up, you stupid bitch. You’re in a segment right now, you’ve got a segment later. It’s not Ashley’s fault that you wear too much makeup and dress funny.

Melina: Geez, what the hell has gotten into you?

Nitro: I just found out that I’m off the Wrestlemania card. I’m devastated, ok? Hell, your stupid ass will probably have a match.

Melina: Like you would do anything but job anyway, Nitro. I should never have left Dave. He’s the World Champion, you know. What do you do? Occasionally beg to go over to Smackdown and wrestle on ECW PPVs? Mick Foley is less depressing than you.

Nitro: Hey, did he ever tell you about the time he punched Al Gore right in the balls?

Melina: He might have mentioned it. Jesus, I hated that guy.

Jesus: Guys, can we not talk about this right now? I’m trying to get ahold of my lawyer. James Cameron? I’m suing your stupid ass, bitch! “Oh, guess what? I found Jesus’ Body!” Well, I found a crown of thorns…UP YOUR A-

Nitro: AAAAAAAAAAHHH I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!

Nitro runs out to the ring where he finds Super Crazy (who is both Super and Crazy). Nitro dropkicks Crazy in the face, slams him into the stairs, and then throws him into a vat of nacho cheese. Nitro grins like an idiot and runs off. Next thing you know, he’ll be attacking cars with Umbrellas. I’m not even sure what he’s trying to prove here. That he can beat up Super Crazy, and thus should be on the Wrestlemania card? Whatever, dude.

Hey, do you suppose Britney is slowly trying to become The Penguin? That’s all I can come up with, anyway.

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Maria is wearing a dress to the ring and I…I don’t think she’s entirely clear on the concept. She does do a nice snapmare, however. That’s one of the three moves Finlay teaches all the girls. He should really teach them to punch some time. Maria comes into the corner with the Bronco Buster, but Melina busts out the Vagina Kick, which I haven’t seen since Gotch Gracie took on Nick Bockwinkle in 1924. Only Melina kind of misses so it ends up being a kick to the thigh. But it’s the thought that counts. Why was this non-title?

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Vince McMahon is in the ring with Totally Not Jamal and Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon, who is holding the WWE Intercontinental Title. Good for him, it’s good to see all that time in OVW paid off. Vince has the mic.

Vince McMahon: So, we all know who my representative isn’t. He’s totally not Jamal! That’s right! It’s Totally Not Jamal! So it makes me wonder, who the hell is Donald Trump’s representative? Who will he send out to make me bald? Is it Charlie Haas? Jamal perhaps?

Donald Trump: Vince, I have a yeuge announcement, one that is even more yeuge than my daughter’s breasts.

Vince: I’m listening, Trump! You tell-

Trump: Vince, you know full well I can’t hear a word you’re saying. We taped this weeks ago. Nice try trying to keep this “Live by Satellite” gimmick going, but nobody buys it! Anyway, I’m very impressed by your choice of Todd Notamale! Todd is a hell of a competitor, or so the staff you sent here tells me.

Tough Enough Jessie: His name is Totally Not Jamal!!! And you’re not supposed to say things like that! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Trump: Todd is also better known as “The Animal” I hear!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: HEY!

Road Warrior Animal: Hey!

George “The Animal” Steele: Hey! Aaaaagh!

Animal: HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY

Trump: Sorry, guys. I shouldn’t have been able to hear any of that. Anyway, how do you combat an animal? By selecting the champion of a third rate promotion, that’s how!

Christ Tian: Woohoo! I’m going to Wrestlemania!

Trump: I didn’t say, fourth rate, Mr. Tian. I meant my best friend in the whole world, Brock Lesnar!

Brock Lesnar: HERE COMES THE PAIN, LINDA~!

Vince: I…I think you mean, Bobby Lashley.

Trump: I still can’t hear you trying to correct me, Vince.

TE Jessie: WWAAAAAAAAH YOU MEANT BOBBY LASHLEY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Trump: Bobbie Leslie? I’m picking a girl to fight that big fat guy?

TE Jessie: Lashley! LASHLEY! Waaaah-

Trump: The gal who’s going to be in Playboy? What the hell kind of show is Vince running over there?

Vince: Not a very good one.

Trump: I’ll say!

Vince: I thought you couldn’t hear me because your interview was taped!

Trump: I can’t!

Vince: A-HA!

Trump: ….

Vince: ….

TE Jessie: …sniff….

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: ….

Totally Not Jamal: …?

Brock Lesnar: …HERE COMES THE PAIN?!

Then the ring fills up with Security, but Brock F5s everyone.

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The Great Khali v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
Curry Challenge

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Oooooh…my inner thigh!

Tony Schiavone: Folks, Tony Schiavone here alongside my broadcast partner Stevie Ray, and Stevie, I’ve got to ask you, what’s with all them yaks in the ring?!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I don’t…I don’t even know how you want me to respond to that. What ring? You mean Kitchen Stadium? There’s no yak meat down there! I think the curry ingredient clearly favo-

Maria: Fudgecookie-san?

Schiavone: That’s her move!!

Maria: Do you think curry is good for an inner thigh bruise?

Hatori: And look at this folks! Kitchen Stadium needed more Kane and they got it! Kane is setting fire to all the challenger’s dishes! It’s incredible, he’s going to cost Khali this match! I thought Kane was banned from this show, but who cares! WOOO! Go Kane!!

Schiavone: It’s a NEW DAY FOR WCW!!!

Maria: Oooooooow…The curry still burns. Frown.

Hatori: SHUT UP! Just let me call the action, you nitwits. Join us next time when we find out Who Wil-

Schaivone: OOOOH WE’RE ALL OUT OF TIME!!

Backstage, Jonathan Coachman is with Vince.

Jonathan Coachman: Wow! Brock Lesnar! That’s going to be tough!

Vince McMahon: Stupid, Trump! It’s supposed to be Lashley! He just got it wrong is all. Ugh. I hate this show. Stupid Trump.

Coach: Yeah! Stupid Trump!

Vince: Are you even still on the roster?

Coach: Well…you’re still paying me!

Vince: I wouldn’t call attention to that if I were you! What’s up Hindi?

The Great Khali: GAHHH NUMPFH THUCKNICH! GOOOOBOOOODDAAAH!

Vince: What is it boy? Timmy’s stuck in a well? Again? That idiot! Leave him down there this time.

Khali: OOOOFTP! GOOOODOOOUUCHI!

Vince: Wait, the Board of Directors wants to appoint a guest referee in our match at Mania? That’s terrible news. Idiot Board of Directors!

Coach: A nameless faceless shadow organization that has even more power than you?! That’s a convenient deus ex machina.

Vince: Eh. It’s mostly, like, some of the WWE.com guys, Brooklyn Brawler and a goat for some reason. They tell me what to do sometimes. Then I lock myself in my office and pout for the rest of the day.

Coach: When did you learn to speak Hindi?

Vince: Huh? Never. I’m just trying to move this plot the hell along. Play along, Coach.

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OMG The Next Entrant into the WWE Hall of Fame? Jerry “The King” Lawler. Now we’ll never hear the end of it. You got robbed, Gillberg!

Backstage, Edge and Orton are strategizing. Nope, scratch that. They’re playing Stratego. I don’t think Orton understands that you can’t throw the bombs and Edge and say, “Looks like you’re the victor of a Blintz cream, Oddjob!”

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Kenny?! Geez. I was all prepared to forget all about him! Torrie Wilson’s dress perfectly conveys her thought of, “Hey, remember when I was in Playboy? No? Look at my boobs!” Torrie at her finest folks. Speaking of people at their finest, neither of the two guys in the ring are. Actually, it’s funny, because WWE clearly wants to push Carlito, but he’s at Chris Jericho levels of not giving a crap, and Kenny’s probably two years away from a big push, and he’s trying his little heart out. Carlito wins, of course, and Ric Flair comes out to clap for him, just like when Benoit passed the torch to Sid. Nice to see them keeping up the continuity. Sort of.

Backstage, Vince is into the cheap stuff.

Vince McMahon: Coshhh! Coassshsht hang me anotter bottle of box of wige!

Jonathan Coachman: Mr. McMahon, I think you’ve had just about enough. It was an accident. He didn’t mean to say Brock Lesnar.

Vince: Coooch, I’m gonna, I goina gover to DDW and..I’m gonna get Brosch Lefter…I mean Basham Blogger…I mean Boxy Laffply, and then I’m gonna…BLLEEEEAAAAARGH.

Coach: That’ll teach him.

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Team Rated RKO v. Shawn Michaels and John Cena
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

So here’s the story so far: Michaels and Cena can’t trust each other, because Shawn has a habit of kicking anyone that comes within 400 yards of him in the face. Cena has the habit of being stupid and annoying. Edge just hates Randy, and Orton is too dumb to know what the hell is going on. Ok, ready and…FIGHT! Both teams spend the first ten minutes of the match arguing about who is going to start. Cena offers to play Rock Paper Scissors for it, and Shawn almost kicks off his face. The Road to Wrestlemania, yawls…Man this is going to be a long couple weeks.

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When we come back people are finally fighting which is an improvement over the previous state of affairs, unfortunately it’s Mark Yeaton and Lillian Garcia, so I’m not sure what that solved, exactly. Finally, Edge starts running the ropes, so HBK reaches out and trips him. Edge almost falls over, and that’s enough to get him frustrated with Orton. Orton pleads that if Edge would have fallen over, then Teen Rapid Arcade-O would have won the match, but Edge isn’t having any of it. This leaves Orton alone with Cena and Michaels, and as much as they love uncomfortable staredowns, they love beating up Randy Orton even more. SUPERKICK TO ORTON~! FU TO ORTON~! Cena and Michaels retain! You know what that means? Uncomfortable staredown! THIS IS THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA~!

Next Week: Sean Cold Val Venis is named as the guest referee for the Battle of the Billionaires match, just to throw everybody off. The final spot in the Money in the Bank ladder match is given to Viscera, just on principal. And Shawn Michaels and John Cena share their most thrilling uncomfortable staredown yet!