Backstage, Shawn Michaels is talking to John Cena.

Shawn Michaels: No, no! I swear! I triple doggie pinky swear. I’m not going to turn on you!

John Cena: Shawn Michaels, are you planning on turning on me right this second?

Cena: What evidence could you possibly give to me that you’re not going to turn one me?

Shawn: Look, John, I’ll play it straight with you. Somebody sent me a package after the Royal Rumble with something that makes it impossible for me to turn on you. I’d been trying to keep it a secret, but I’m ready to show you.

Shawn pulls out a box-

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Backstage….

John Cena: Wow. Shawn, that really does explain everything. I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

Shawn Michaels: That’s ok, kid. I could hardly believe it myself.

Cena: Man. Can I take a look at that thing one more time?

Shawn: Sure thing, I’ve got a match right now. Just don’t lose it!

Cena: Something like this? No way!

Nice to see those crazy kids from Team Rated RKO working out their differences. It’s funny that Edge gets to be the valet though. You can tell it pisses him off too. Which is even better. Did you see them on Deal or No Deal with Sign Guy? Gertner’s really lost a lot of weight. Actually, the guy looks and sounds a lot like one of those actors that’s always in those low rent comedy movies. So expect him to get a WWE Films contract soon:

In a world where laryngitis has decimated the world’s population. In a world where monks rule the earth. One man stood up, and let his voice be heard. Sign Guy is Sign Guy in a WWE Film. Vince McMahon Presents a Vince McMahon Production: Sign Guy. Summer 2008.

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Orton’s busting out the Boston Crab! Who the hell does he think he is? Rick Martel? Geez. I guess somebody old him to mix up his restholds. No more Chinlocks for Lent, Randy! Well, except for at Wrestlemania of course. Or else whatever match you have won’t work. Not that it will anyway, but…Oh wait, Shawn just rolled Orton up for the pin. That was painless. Not so painless, though, was Edge tripping Shawn onto a chair after the match. Orton wins after all! Good for him. You’re GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! Randy! After Orton and Edge leave, Cena strolls down to the ring and asks what happened while he was out getting blintzes.

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Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Well, this is certainly an ethnically diverse segment.

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: It is, how you say, a great step forward in civil rights. Haha!

Jonathan Coachman: Why do I have to be the token black guy?

Vince: Because, I couldn’t find Cryme Tyme anywhere. Now, where the hell is the Samoan Bulldogzer, Totally Not Jamal? What this segment needs is a Samoan.

Not Important: He has a match! Haha! I, on the other hand, just get to stand backstage and carry around his belt for him. It’s pathetic. Haha.

Coach: Vince, I’ve got to ask you though, who is going to be the guest referee for your match against Donald Trump at Wrestlemania?

Vince: You didn’t have to ask that.

Coach: Yes, I did. Now shut up. Who is it?

Vince: Fine. I don’t know. But if I know the board of directors, they’re all a bunch of pushovers. Did you know half the board is made up of Smackdown’s old Juniors Division? Hell, Super Porky is a huge investor-

Not Important: Didn’t you just say last week that the Boa-

Vince: No. No I didn’t.

Coach: Then who do you think the Boa-

Vince: My son, Stephanie.

Coach: Vince, your son’s name is-

Vince: Yes, I am aware.

Jeff Hardy v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

How do you reward Jeff Hardy coming back and being halfway decent? Oooh! Oooh! I know, I know! Job him out to somebody who isn’t even Jamal! Yay! I win! You all need to try harder. Jeff tries his damnedest, but the fact of the matter is, he’s going to be back in the tag team ranks in two months, and back to working on his volcano in six. Maybe he can convince Shannon Moore to give Peroxwhy?gen another shot. Wait…Was Shannon Moore in that project? A Thumb to the Eye means the match is over, and it doesn’t matter. Which is good, because I didn’t really care.

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According to the Peroxwhy?gen Wikipedia entry, Shannon Moore was on Background vocals and “programming.” Programming?! What the hell is that supposed to mean? Were there robots in the band? And if so, doesn’t it make them the most awesome band in the history of awesome bands?! I bet Big Pimpin’ Alex would be proud.

How do various celebrities feel about Vince McMahon v. Donald Trump?

Samuel L. Jackson: GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE, MOTHERF-

Erik Estrada: Goddammit, WWE Fans! Where were you? You were supposed to support Trish! Now our show is canceled and nobody knows who I am anymore. Sigh.

The Rock: How many times do I have to tell you idiots? Stay the hell away from me. And it’s Dwayne now, ok? Dwayne Johnson. NO, I’M NOT MAVEN!!

Kevin Federline: This means, like, I’m gonna be feuding with this Ashley cat, now, right? If I say that he sucks or whatever? Because, I’m, like, behind on my car payments right now.

Britney Spears: Mwahahahahaha! I’m the Boogeyman! And I’m coming to get YOU!

Backstage, Melina is warming up. Maybe you should spend as much time on your fashion choices as you do on your stretches. Elsewhere, Todd Grisham is standing by with Ric Flair and Carlito.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Ric Flair and Carlito, and guys, I have to ask you, what do you, two best friends, feel about wrestling each other tonight for the final spot in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match at Wrestlemania?

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Wow, that was, like, a lot of words, Todd. I’m impressed.

Grisham: Thanks, Carlito! I’m really working on improving my interviewing technique here on the Road to Wrestlemania!

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Carlito: The only problem is, Ric and I aren’t really friends. It wasn’t that long ago that he called me out for being lazy and having stupid hair-

Flair: Which is still true, by the way.

Carlito: So you see, while it’s convenient for us to pretend to be friends when we’re beating up the likes of Just Kenny, we actually can’t stand each other. At all. So I’m planning on going out there tonight and tearing Triple Naitch’s eyes out.

Flair: And I’m planning on taking your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOOO!

Torrie Wilson: OOoh! I love mountains!

Carlito: Shut up, Torrie.

Grisham: Give me that apple! Mwahahahahaha! The poison apple is mine!

Todd eats the apple.

Carlito: Nah, man, we already used that gimmick. That’s just a regular old apple.

But Todd chokes on the apple and dies anyway. Todd Grisham has fallen. Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: I just got off the phone with my son, Ste…er…Shane. He says he thinks that the Board of Directors is convinced that he’s the man for the job.

Jonathan Coachman: Really? I mean…Call me crazy, Vince, but it didn’t seem much like the Board of Directors wanted to give you an unfair advantage going in….

Vince: Hmm…you’re right. That doesn’t make any sense at all! Well, who do you think it’ll be?

Coach: Charlie Haas?

Vince: Ooooh! Maybe! Can I rub your bald head for luck?

Coach: Sigh…Just this once.

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Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Hickory Smoked Chicken Challenge

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Fudge cookie-son!

Tony Schiavone: She’s speaking in tongues, folks! Tony Schiavone and Stevie Ray at ringside!

Maria: I’m here in the middle of this big kitchen, and it’s really scary! There’s fire and knives, and I just want to go home. Can I go home please? Fudgecookie?

Schiavone: That’s her move!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Yukio Hatori here alongside Tony Schiavone and we’re here at Kitchen Stadium for this epic showdown between the fat old guy and the Iron Chef! Most would say that the Iron Chef would be at a disadvantage given the challenger’s history with wood and hickory smoking, but I think the Iron Che-

Maria: Omigosh! I think Hacksaw just, like, ate all the hickory chips down here, you guys. That’s seriously gross. I’m going to my dressing room.

Schiavone: Hickory chips are the greatest foodstuff in the history of great foodstuffs. Except, of course, for SURGE!!

Hatori: So, just as I predicted, the Iron Chef has used his cunning and vigor to take out the challenger and-

Schiavone: That’s all from Kitchen Stadium, folks. Join us next time when we learn WHO WILL REIGN SUPREME!!

Hatori: Well done, Tony! I really think you’re getting the hang of this.

Schiavone: Thanks, Brain!

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Backstage….

Shawn Michaels: ….

John Cena: ….

Shawn: ….

Cena: ….

Shawn: All right then. Glad we could clear that up.

Cena: I’m really glad you taught me telepathy, Shawn. Thanks.

In the ring….

Vince McMahon: Ok, I’m ready! Lay it on me, Mysterious Board of Directors! Who is my Wrestlemania referee?

Eric Bischoff: Hi, Vince! It’s me! Eric Bischoff!!

Vince: You’re the guest referee?

Bischoff: Nope. I just wanted to hear my music again. I’m baaaaaaaack! And I’m better than evvvvvvvvvver! Oh, but I did want to introduce…Mantaur!!

Vince: Mantaur?! MANTAUR is the guest referee?!

Mantaur: No! But you got rid of my gal, Lita. And that’s not cool, Vince!

Mantuar gores Vince.

Vince: Gah! OW! SEND OUT THE GUEST REFEREE!!

Yo, I’m Jack Doan,
And I’m here to say,
I’m not the Guest Referee,
Neither is this guy, hey!

Charlie Haas: I am also not the guest referee, as his mad rhyme indicates.

Vince: Well then WHO THE HELL IS IT?!?!?!

Tough Enough Jessie: Not me!!! WAAAAAAAAH!

Mick Foley: Vince, I’d like very much to tell you that I’m the guest referee. I mean, hell you hired me back so that I could write a book about the time I had an extreme tickle fight in a hotel restroom with Barak Obama. But I’m not. I just wore my “guest referee” shirt tonight, because it was the only clean one I could find! BANG BANG!

Magilla Gorilla: I’m not the guest referee either, Vince. Sorry. We’ll try again next week.

Vince: Magilla Gorilla? Do we even have the rights to that?

Shane McMahon: Oooh! Oooh! I know who the guest referee is!

Stephanie McMahon: It certainly isn’t me!

Vince: Just tell me, who is it!

Shane: Val Venis!

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: And that’s the bottom line, because the Board of Directors said so!

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Alexis Laree v. Melina
Falls Count Anywhere Match for the WWE Women’s Title

Oh, good, a hardcore match. Alexis will be great at these. Ashley is the special guest ring announcer, by the way, in case you forgot she was going to be in this month’s Playboy. Which is understandable. Hell, I just forgot again. And I still hate her tattoos. Anyway, Melina and Alexis fight backstage and into (of course) the women’s locker room, where Torrie Wilson and Maria were complaining about how many times they’ve been neeped. Victoria comes out of nowhere and asks if anybody remembers her, but they don’t.

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Holy crap, a women’s match that takes up two whole segments of this show? That…sucks. At least they’re making their way back to the ring now. I can’t imagine how boring these kinds of matches are for the live crowd. “Look, ma! The girls be fightin’ on the teevee! It’s just like home!” Alexis comes into the ring and proptly drops herself on her head. Well…Ok then. Melina wins. After the match, Ashley comes into the ring and gently caresses Alexis’ wounds. Naked girls gotta stick together.

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Ric Flair v. Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Torrie Wilson)
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

This is probably the blow off match for this feud, so enjoy it while you can. I hear Carlito is going to be HUGE in WWE Mexico. Because there’s nothing Lucha fans love more than a lazy guy with an Afro. I heard that from La Parka so it has to be true. Anyway, the match is hotly contested because Ric Flair loves ladder matches, and Carlito loves title shots. But just as it seems things are finally coming to a head, The Great Khali comes out and Karate Chops them both. Well…Um…Shouldn’t the match continue? I guess not. You know what that means?! TORRIE WILSON IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! I hope she wins!

The Great Khali: IIIIAGH! WAASSSHH! KHGHAAAAAAG!

Of course you do!

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In the WWE Hall of Fame? Nick Bockwinkle. Man, when Rocky goes in, Boris and Natasha will really be pissed.

Backstage, Edge is sitting with Randy Orton.

Randy Orton: Wookie, I’ve tied very hard to be a great parker for you, but I can’t tape it anymore. I’m going to a mewling with the Course.

Edge: What the hell are you talking about?

Orton: I’m not going to hang your tack, tonight, Pledge. I’m soggy.

Edge: Wait, what?

Orton: Tear, tear.

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Before the match, Edge informs Cena that he can’t compete tonight due to his T-Shirt being too tight to remove in time for the match. Mercury is there because…His face mask gives him special powers that allow him to circumvent the brand split? He should be thanking Matt Hardy! For blowing up his face…Anyway, MNM and Edge beat up Cena for a while, while Shawn Michaels sits around backstage playing Othello against himself. Don’t let the white pieces win! That’s racist! WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mike Chioooooda finally gives up the DQ. Shawn buffs his nails, takes a few practice prances around ringside, and then clears out the ring. As Cena comes to, Shawn prances off into the crowd. Cena is left stunned, injured, and having to fake an UNCOMFORTABLE STAREDOWN with Mike Chioda.

Next Week: ECW Champion Buggy Lasher backs up his benefactor Donald Trump, by groping his daughter’s yeuge boobs. As a result of Randy Orton’s meeting with Coach, Orton will be GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! as the special guest time keeper. It’s a quarter after spoon! Also, John Cena and WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan share an UNCOMFORTABLE STAREDOWN~!