Arnold Skaaland died. Man…That sucks. I’ll always remember him from Happy Days!

Ooooh, Wrestlemania Reversal! I thought Shawn was going to have to battlerap against a cardboard cutout of Fabolous.

Fabolous loves bitches and hoes,
But it’s ok, he won’t win.
The Lord Jesus Christ,
Forgives his sin!

Word!

And then The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker makes it rain in the arena and Shawn baptizes them all. I can’t wait. Er…Except that’s not what’s going on. Instead, JBL has a mic.

John Bradshaw Layfield: So…um…it turns out that Stephanie forgot that I was retired, and so she made this match anyway. But I’m not really planning on coming back to be a sidebar to a sidebar of one of Wrestlemania’s main events. Even if it is the most interesting one. So with that in mind, I’m just planning on leaving. You can count me out or whatever, it’s not like I care. I’ve got to go chase Harry Smith around backstage threatening him with a bar of Ivory.

Shawn Michaels: Oh man! That’s awesome news. I didn’t even want to wrestle tonight anyway. Thanks for taking the fall for me, man. The fact of the matter is though, that I’ve been thinking long and hard about it, and that thing backstage in the bag? I don’t even know if it’s important enough to consider not gaining the edge of a Superkick right to Cena’s noggin, you know?

JBL: Oh come on, what good is one Superkick going to do? You know people recover from that move almost as soon as you pin them. But that thing in the bag? That lasts forever, Shawn. It’s not any ol’ chump that gets something so spectacular, and it’s good to know that this close to wWestlemania, you haven’t lost any facial expressions or thrown a hissy fit. That takes some real maturity there, Shawn.

Shawn: You know what else takes a lot of maturity? Kicking a retired wrestler/announcer in the face! Hiyaaaaah!

Jerry Lawler reflexively jumps behind J.R., but Shawn was, of course, referring to WWE Smackdown Diva Josh Matthews, but he couldn’t find Josh, so he had to resort to kicking JBL in the face. Nice job there, guy. Way to show your Christian spirit by knocking the teeth out of a cripple. Then, Shawn steals JBL’s hat too. Which has to be against, like, 80 Commandments.

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Backstage, Edge is reading. Man, I really wish they’d take steps to make wrestling more realistic.

Randy Orton: Umaga, ol’ buggy, what happenered at Easy W last week? You were suppository be my parker in lime! But instead you just got youseph kicked out of wing sides! I can’t be your frond if this keeps up!

Edge: Oh, for…I’m not your friend. I never was your friend, and I never wanted to be your friend! I abandoned you on ECW because of two very good reasons. Firstly, I don’t want anything to do with the new ECW. At all. Secondly, because I HATE YOU!! I wanted to see you get the crap kicked out of you by Bobby Lashley!

Orton: Well, why didn’t you jump say so?! I would hat been harpy to acclimate your knees and gotten beatered up! It’s ok, though, Ham! I’ve broken a deal with Mr. Moonman! Too light, there will be a Monkey on the Brink laughter match, and you can win a spot!

Edge: I already have a spot in that match!

Orton: Well, then you can has two! Think of that, Porky! You’ll have thrice as mommy chances to spin!

Edge: I hate you. If my jaw wasn’t killing me right now, I’d bite your stupid nose off.

Orton: That’s the sprout! Start what you finished!

Bobby Lashley v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Brussels Sprouts Battle

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Fudgecookie-son!

Tony Schiavone: It’s BROCK LESNAR! Brock Lesnar has invaded kitchen stadium folks! I can hardly believe it!! THIS IS A NEW DAY FOR KITCHEN STADIUM!

Maria: Brussel sprouts are icky and gross, you guys. Don’t eat them. Why can’t we have, like, a carrot cake battle? That would be delicious! Hey guys! Can we have a carrot cake battle instead?

Schiavone: Oh, those yaks are delightful, eh, Stevie Ray?

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Huh? Are you talking to me?

Schiavone: ….

Hatori: Sigh…What’s with all them yaks, Tony?

Schiavone: That’s his move!

Hatori: And that’s not Brock Lesnar down there, it’s-

Maria: Fudgecookie-son!

Schiavone: Let’s go to our broadcast colleague, Maria!

Maria: Maybe we can do a fudge cookie battle!

Hatori: The judges are tasting the foods. The challenger’s soup seems to be going over well! The Iron Chef’s sprout ice cream not so much. And…Folks, we have a winner!! Bobby Lashley has beaten the Iron Chef challenge!

Schiavone: It’s incredible! WE’RE ALL OUT OF TIME!!

Hatori: It’s not that incredible, at least a half dozen people have done it now. And we’re not all out of time.

Sciavone: …SURGE!!!!!

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Backstage….

Bobby Lashley: I keep telling him, Vince. I’m not “Brock Lesnar.” I’m not “Ashley.” I’m “Bobby Lashley! Then he just looks over at his daughter and asks her and her huge boobs whether or not she knows anybody named Leslie. I think they think I went to high school with her or something.

Vince: It’s ok, Bobby. We’ve got a whole ’nother week to work this out. Just…Why don’t you take the night off for now?

Lashley: Thanks, Mr. McMahon!

Jonathan Coachman: But…Vince? Lashley never works on Monday nights anyway. And besides, he’s already had his match….

Vince: Don’t you contradict me! Besides without The Voice of The Undertaker here, I can do whatever the hell I want. Including giving Lashley his usual night off after he’s already had a match.

Eugene: No! I won’t stand for this kayfabe breaking any more!!

At which point he dumps nacho cheese all over Vince.

Eugene: You may take my gimmick, but you will never take…MY ABILITY TO BITCH ON INTERNET FORUMS!!!

Vince: That’s it, whoever the hell you are! You’re jobbing to Totally Not Jamal tonight!

Eugene: Again? Awww, man….

Ron Simmons: Do you need to get that shirt dry cleaned? Because I know a guy in Florida who’s really great and pretty cheap. Chin’s Dry Cleaning, folks right on the corner of Palisade and Fifth! Call now for their free dryer sheets special!

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Ric Flair, Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin, Viscera, Just Kenny, Snake Eyes, Val Venis, Super Crazy, Johnny Nitro, Some Ducks, Edge and Carlito Caribbean Cool
For a Spot in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match at Wrestlemania

Man, I hope Val Venis wins. Wouldn’t that be awesome? It’d be even better if he won the Money in the Bank shot, and then took it on an episode of Internet Heat. The ducks flap over the rope, so they’re out, and then Viscera tries to grab one for a snack, and he falls out too. Good start to this match, guys! Snake Eyes stabs Edge in the back with his katana (no DQs in battle royals, folks!), so Edge rolls under the bottom rope to see if he can’t find an Orton to beat. Isn’t this exciting? Let’s come back after these….

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Neither Charlie Haas or Val Venis are in the match any more, so this is totally pointless. What happened to Super Crazy anyway? I thought since he was both Super and Crazy, he’d have a chance. No? Ok, then. So about 34 more guys get tossed, and somehow Shannon Moore was in there. Ok, not really, but why is it all RAW guys? That’s…racist? I don’t know. Speaking of which, Flair dumps Carlito, and we have our winner! Ric Flair is GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!~! WAIT! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Edge comes back in and dumps Flair. So now Edge is in the Money in the Bank match twice. He’s got a 25% chance of winning, but a 100% of losing at least once. Poor Edge. One way or another, your streak ends this year!

Vince McMahon is on his way to the ring, being accompanied by Jonathan Coachman and The Police.

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It’s nice to see the Police back together by the way. They always were my favorite characters on this show, and it was so sad to see them split up. Local Indy Workers just weren’t the same. Eugene is totally outclassed here, and he ends up getting a thumb to the eye for daring to question Vince McMahon on WrestleNEWZ.org. After the match, Eugene gets strapped to a pole and Vince takes great pleasure in shaving off his Wild Samoan hair and then slapping him. Is Russo booking again? That would certainly explain why Sting left the Police halfway through this segment to shoot Abyss.

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Boobsie McTitsalot is in the ring.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Hi. You might not remember me, but I was in Playboy last year.

Crowd: Ooooh, right! That’s who that is.

Boobsie: I’m out here to challenge Melina, because I heard that she was mad, because she’s not in Playboy or something. But let me tell you something, Melina! Your time will come! I’m proof positive that they’ll put anybody it Playboy! Look at Sable or Chyna! Just because you need to put on 500 pounds of makeup and wear weird socks doesn’t mean you can’t be an international sex symbol!

Melina: Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be this year’s recipient of the “Playboy Jealousy” push, but I have no idea why not getting naked makes me a heel, or why the crowd chants “Slut” at me because of that. All I did was have sex with Dave that one time.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I was touched INAPPROPRIATELY!

Boobsie: You Go, Daddy!

And scene.

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Boobsie McTitsalot v. Melina
In a Bra and Panties Match

Man, nothing quite like legitimizing the women’s division now that Trish and Lita took a powder, eh, Vince? Heh. Melina goes after Boobsie’s SURGICALLY RECONSTRUCTED NOSE~! Who knew she had so many nose based offensive maneuvers? Anyway, Boobsie strips herself, so that takes care of that. Then Ashley comes out and strips Melina because as we’ve learned over the past few weeks, “Naked girls gotta stay together.” Then The Great Khali comes running…ok, walking…ok ambling down to the ring. Ashley spends this entire time trying to unzip her bra, so she totally misses the 50 minutes it takes for Khali to get to the ring and start choking her. Ever the hero, Jerry Lawler tries to pull Khali off her, but he eats a Karate Chop and a chokeslam. Eh, you tried, Jerry. She’ll still probably have sex with you.

Meanwhile….

Kane: What are you looking at me for?

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Vince McMahon or Donald Trump? Who will win?

Tony Hawk: Am I still edgy and cool? Man, I hope so! I’ve got about thirty million more copies of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater XXXIII to unload. Man, maybe I can do a triple monkey grind on the losers head?

John Elway: HaHA! I won a Superbowl! And I’m the father of Stephanie McMahon’s baby!

Jewel: I’ve composed this poem to commemorate this special moment in history:

Raindrops
Falling lightly on my head,
I make a paper airplain,
Fly me away!

Rose pedals like lemon drops,
Prance through the quiet field,
I wash my sheets in milky cream,
Am I country? Am I pop? Or am I…

2Xtreme?

John Salley: Is Tom Arnold going to be wrestling that midget again? That’s all I want to know. I was on the Lakers, man! The Lakers!

Ricki Lake: Forget McMahon and Trump. Are you guys hiring? I could seriously use the work. Like…I could be the referee for the women’s matches, and we could sit down and talk about our feelings instead of fighting! How about that? Ricki! Ricki! Ricki!

Kevin Federline: Am…am I feuding with Boogeyman yet? Guys? Where are you going? Aww…come back! I won’t steal your sandwich again, I promise!

At the announce table, Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone are taking turns shouting over each other.

Could you have imagined this match two years ago? Man, somebody would have died. I’m pretty sure it would’ve been WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan. Orton hits the Boston Crab. Ok, let me just stop this right here. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love this. Orton’s like, “I can learn a new move!” so he learns the Boston Crab, and then he hits it IN EVERY MATCH after that. Expanding your moveset one year at a time! Edge runs out and throws a ladder at them both, Orton starts looking for the chute, while Jeff jumps off the ladder onto nothing in particular. Match of the year.

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Some Random Announcer intros a clip of Steve Austin pretending to be a hardened criminal who kills people for sport. It’s a Documentary?! Ooooooh.

Elsewhere, Vince is on the phone.

Vince McMahon: My cellphone service sucks! I’m switching to T-Mobile!

Jonathan Coachman: Vince, our phone partnership is with-

Vince: I don’t care! Have you seen those T-Mobile commercials? I want Joey Styles following me around with a crane and a helicopter, dammit! Now that’s a cellphone service I can get behind!

Coach: Don’t you have an announcement to make?

Vince: I’m going to take on Bobby Lashley in a match next week! Surely then Trump will get it through his thick skull who is supposed to be fighting for him! And then I’m going over Lashley to become the ECW champion! Think of it, Coach! Vince McMahon: ECW Champion! That’s exactly what that brand needs to return it to the glories of 1997!

Shawn Michaels comes down to do commentary, but leaves immediately when Schiavone and Ross start screaming about how they’re going to get Skittles and Surge during the break.

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Backstage….

Eugene: Look at me! I look…Like one of the Highlanders! Now I’ll NEVER get off Internet Heat. Waaaaaaaaaah!

Tough Enough Jessie: I feel bad for you! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Rory McAllister: Hey!

Robbie McAllister: It’s all true! WAAAAAAAAAH!

It’s the internet fan’s dream! Poor Eugene is too busy crying to see it. John Cena decides to mess with everybody’s heads by nailing the Five Knuckle Shuffle as the first move of the match. I knew I liked him for some reason. I miss Benoit the Pirate. That was the only gimmick that really let him show charisma. Boring beardy guy isn’t cutting it. Benoit locks in the Sharpshooter and the Crossface, but Cena is too much of a man to tap. So Benoit pouts because he can’t think of any more moves (Randy Orton: “Use the Bothan Crib!”), so Cena rolls him up into the STFU! There’s no way Benoit isn’t going to tap to such an agonizing move, and he taps! THAT’S HIS MOVE!!! JOHN CENA IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! I love, by the way, that J.R. is all “Benoit has never tapped before!” which makes it about the 100th time Ross has used that before Benoit has tapped.

After the match, Shawn Michaels runs in and Superkicks a fly away from Cena’s head. Cena responds to this polite gesture by FUing away the dangerous Carbon Monoxide approaching Shawn Michaels. Then they have a tickle fight. Uh Oh. Can you say…UNCOMFORTABLE STAREDOWN~!

John Bradshaw Layfield: Share that uncomfortable staredown while you can! Because right here on RAW next week, the two of you will be taking on Batista and…The Disemvoiced Body of The Undertaker!!!

Shawn Michaels: Wait…Who gave you the power to make matches?

Tony Schiavone: WE’RE ALL OUT OF TIME!!

BONG

Next Week: The Disemvoiced Body of The Undertaker frowns and shakes its head at the state of RAW. Randy Orton chases Edge around the parking lot, trying to get him to play Go Fish. And in a struggle of Epic Proportions, Vincent Kennedy McMahon joins the ECW Title Lineage. EC-Dub! EC-Dub! EC-Dub!

BONG!