Jonathan Coachman: Hello folks, it’s me! The Coach!

Crowd: Ooooh! That’s who that is!

Coach: And I’m here as the personal sexretary of Mr. McMahon, and to announce that his match with Bobby Lashley, that’s Bobby

Stone Cold Steve Austin: That match sucks.

Crowd: What?!

Austin: I said the match sucks!

Crowd: Oh. Ok.

Austin: I just came out here because I was confused as to why you keep sending me naked pictures of yourself with Donald Trump’s head cut out and taped over your head.

Coach: Well…I thought they were pretty hot. And I thought…You know…Maybe you would like them.

Austin: I did like them, Coach. I liked them a lot.

Coach: So, now, will you call the match in favor of Totally Not Jamal and Vince McMahon?

Austin: No, Coach. But I do want to kiss you right now.

Coach: Oh, Steve! You don’t know how long I’ve kept these feelings inside. Every time you Stunner me, Stone Cold, my heart leaps for joy, because even though you’re hurting me, I long to feel your touch.

Austin: Coach, I only give you the Stunner because I didn’t know how to express my true feelings for you. But now that I know, now that I know how you feel? Coach, I want to love you, to love you like no other man has loved you.

Coach: Oh, Stone Cold Steve Austin, take me right here in this very ring!

Austin: Gladly. But Coachie Poo…Please put on on this Donald Trump mask.

Actually none of that happened, Austin just ran out and Stunnered Coach and drank some beer. Consider that an early April Fools present. Afterwards, Austin tries to drive his truck out of the arena, but he’s blocked by Vince’s limo.

Vince McMahon: Is that a Steve Austin truck with Steve Austin license plates and decals on the side? Who would drive a truck like that? Get out of the way!

Steve Austin: Eh-EH!

Vince: Steve Austin! I never would have guessed! My apologies guest referee for my match at Wrestlemania!

Then Austin gets out and Stunners Vince’s limo.

McMahon: Limo driver? You’re Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrred!

Tough Enough Jessie: But you just hired me to do this! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

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It’s team Playboy Playmate versus Team…Uh…What Heel Girls Do We Have Again? Seriously, though, nice to see you on RAW, Jillian. I miss the Rice Krispie Treat, but I love the new singing gimmick. I’m sure it’ll get over one of these days. Anyway, team Not Naked is jealous, of course, of the other teams’ ability to appear various places without any clothes on, just like every other year at this time. However, the naked girls beat them up and thus prove the superiority of women who show their boobs. Hear that ladies? Ashley wins.

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Errr…So who gave Punk the “Get out of ECW Free” pass? It was Tommy Dreamer wasn’t it? And you can just see Dreamer frowning and shaking his head sadly as Punk blows this opportunity by wrestling Just Kenny instead of a real wrestler. Anyway, the crowd actually knows who Punk is because they’re in his home town. Just Kenny tries to get over the fact that now that he has two names he’s cool enough to appear on RAW, but Punk isn’t having any of it, finishing him off with a move I can only describe as, “he knees him in the face…kinda.”

Edge: Hello. I’m on the Titan Tron! Congratulations for getting off ECW tonight, Punk! But it’s only temporary! Because you see, this show only has room for ONE skeevy, greasy haired white guy who makes out with his girlfriends in public and has horrible tattoos. And that person is me! I’ll see you all after the ad break.

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The ring is filled with midcarders.

Edge: Welcome to the Money in the Bank Cutting Edge!

Randy Orton: Yeah, Monkey on the Brink Cupping Etch! You tell them, Elmo!

Edge: WOULD YOU STOP ACTING LIKE WE’RE FRIENDS!!?!?! Honestly, I just want to let you all know that I’m winning the match on Sunday. Why? Because nobody is better at ladder matches than me! None of the rest of you are 8-0 like me! And none of you have letter openers and baubles all needing the kind of storage that the Money in the Bank Briefcase can hold like I do!

Finlay: I could put me sheleighly in there!

Edge: Shut up! No you couldn’t!

Finlay: Aye! And me midget!

Edge: You don’t even talk like that! Ok, fine, you think you all can win this match?! Well, let me start talking to each of you in turn, so that we might hype this match more efficiently by giving the Hardy Boyz mic time for some reason. Matt, what would you put in the Money in the Bank Briefcase?

Matt Hardy: A blowup doll, of course! Oh, wait! That’s what you would put in there, because Lita dumped you too! OOOOOOH! Tag!

Edge: Tag? Who the hell are you? Lita?

Matt: That’s what she used to say…to me…WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Edge: Ok…Booker T! The King! What would you put in the briefcase?

King Booker: I would put the last shred of my self respect in there. Ain’t nobody taking it away from me! I’ll have it locked up tight! Or my name isn’t Kiiiiiiiiiiiiing Boooooooookah!!!

Edge: It isn’t.

Booker: Oh. Then…I’d probably put some hamburgers in there. Never know when you might need a snack, right? And my crown.

Edge: Right. You’ve got nothing. Finlay…Can I remind you that you don’t have to talk like a leprechaun?

Finlay: I’d put some Guiness and a shamrock shake in there! And that’s the Bottom Line, because Finlay Said SO!

Edge: Not bad, really, and it’s admirable that you’re already trying to steal somebody’s catchphrase, but can’t you pick something…more obscure?

Finlay: If you smellllllalalalallalala-OW! What the Fit…Is cookin’!

Edge: Keep…keep working on it. Oh, for Pete-

Orton: Head, ol’ pudgy! I bet you’ll be wantering to know what I would do with a Monkey on the Brink beefcake!

Edge: Not really, no.

Orton: You know what I would put in hair? Destiny! DESTINY FOR ORTON~! And a Brooklyn crab.

Edge: Right. Keep working that one move you’ve learned, Randy. On to our next guest, Mr. Kennedy. Ken?

Ken Kennedy: Err…Well, you see, the thing is that, other than repeating my name and being an asshole in general, I don’t really have any “things” or gimmick items to want to put in there. So I don’t even have any idea what I would do with the briefcase if I won.

Edge: At least you’re honest! Jeff?

Jeff Hardy: So, it is the answer to the question of what I would put in the Money in the Bank briefcase which you speak. Well, first I would STEAL THE SHOW!!!!!!

…

Edge: Oooook?

A Volcano
Made of poems
Fits tightly
Bound in steel,
Is it just a briefcase?
Or is it….
2Xtreme?

Edge: I kind of figured that’s what you’d say. Now for Chicago’s own! C.M. Punk!

CM Punk: I know exactly what I’d put in there! NOTHING! Because I’m Straight Edge, which means I don’t need anything in my briefcase to succeed! Unlike you, Regular Edge! You’d probably put all your illicit internet steroids in there!

Edge: Now wait just a-

Punk: I’m just joshing you, man. I’d probably put a random dollar amount in there, and make Maria hold it, and I’d try to guess whether or not it had a bunch of money in it.

Edge: That would make a hell of a game show. If only we had a bald person to host it!

And then they all fight about whether or not this match should be settled on that night’s episode of Deal or No Deal, and Edge sneaks away because he hates game shows.

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Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) is standing by with John Cena.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria Pumps Tires Like Charming Chad here and I’m standing by with John Cena! And Charming Chat, I have to ask, what’s the deal with this briefcase I‘m holding?

John Cena: Maria, everybody is wondering, what’s going on with John Cena at Wrestlemania? What’s going on with Shawn Michaels? Who is going to turn on who? Well, I wrote a little song.

Mania is hot,
Takin’ on Detroit!
We’re going to have Aretha,
And MVP takin’ on Benoit!

Battle of the Billionaires?
Lashley takin’ out Not Jamal?
Vince is going to be walkin’
Out of Ford Field in a shawl!

Kane taking on Khali,
With a meathook in one hand,
Melina fighting Ashley,
More piercings than a rock band!

Money in the Bank,
Who will fight the champ?
Finlay? Booker? Hardyz?
Will Orton make it past the ramp?

Team ECW getting dirty,
The New Breed is on fire,
Oh that’s right, nobody cares,
ECW is deader than Chyna!

Batista is putting his gold on the line,
Taking on the disemvoiced Taker!
The only question about this match,
Will the Dead Man dress like a Quaker?

Then you got the match of the night,
The hottest show from RAW!
HBK and John Cena,
Ready to go to War!

Tag Team Champs, now fight,
Is HBK a good guy, or is it a veneer?
Who cares, because at the end of the night,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Maria: I liked the part about the meathook the best.

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Vince McMahon v. Bobby Lashley
No Disqualification Match

Vince gets on the mic and apologizes to Lashley, but he needs to make sure that Trump understands who his representative is before the match at Mania. Lashley is ok, with that, but not with Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch attacking him. Lashley fights out of that because they were Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, but he’s quickly subdued by a wooden spoon to the ribs from “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters. Lashley rubs some garlic in Masters’ eyes though, so he’s out. Johnny Nitro comes out, but he’s only there to bitch about Joey Mercury getting fired. Finally, Not Important leads Totally Not Jamal down to the ring, where he hits the Samoan Drop on Lashley. Vince pins Lashley, and Lashley kicks out, but WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance is sick of this match and wants to go home. Still, Not Jamal nails the Thumb to the Eye on Lashley, putting him down for a real three count. Not Important thinks this is the bees knees.

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Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Vince McMahon.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Vince McMahon, and Vince, I have to ask you, was that finish out there just now horribly botched?

Vince McMahon: Hehehehe…yeah. But what can you do? Actually, I know what I’m going to do! I’m off to a strip club. Laters!

Grisham: But with you gone and Coach incapacitated, who will be in charge of RAW?

Vince: Err…Hmm…Charlie Haas.

Charlie Haas: Word.

Eugene: From the depths of hell, I stab at thee!

Eugene beheads Todd Grisham. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Eugene McAllister: Not an immortal? Whoops.

Rory McAllister: Ach, don’t worry about it. Happens all the time.

Roby McAllister: Aye.

Fit Finlay: Aye.

Rory: Ach, get out of here!

Orton starts the match off by giving both of his opponents a simultaneous Boston crab. Well…You’re getting there, Randy. Jeff works an extended sequence with Kennedy that’s ok, and reaffirms my belief that, promos aside, Jeff Hardy is at the best point in his career right now. Kennedy punches Matt, which is probably of course, because Matt handed Kennedy his first WWE loss. Remember that? What do you mean “no”? Anyway, at some point Matt trips over his shoelace and falls over. Orton wins! You’re giving Matts a bad name, dude!

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The final inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame this year? Jim Ross. Good ol’ J.R. gets a standing ovation as wrestlers appear on the Titan Tron making fun of his voice. He’d like to thank them all by name, but he can’t remember any of them.

Good try, Naitch! Flair offers to take Khali’s old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, but Khali just decides to toss Flair into the ring steps instead. Carlito comes out to save his not-dad, but Khali isn’t having any of that. They’re not even on Wrestlemania. Though I do love the “All Grown Up” ad featuring grainy archival footage of a young Ric Flair’s epic confrontation with Teddy Roosevelt. Anyway, in case you haven’t guessed, Kane ran out with a meathook and kind of threw it in Khali’s general direction, and Khali ran away. If this was TNA, they’d have a meathook match.

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Steve Austin, in case you haven’t heard, is still in a movie.

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is…orange.

Shawn Michaels: Everybody’s wondering, “Shawn, why are you orange?” Well, I’ll tell you why! Orange is the color of elevated threat, and right now, my threat level has never been more elevated! Because you see, John Cena comes out here rapping about tag team partners and running his yap about what a great Wrestlemania card it is and I agree, but with God as my witness, I will not allow him to say that the “Champ is here.” I’ve fought WWE Champions, and legends and even an icon or two! I fought Grammy winner Moby one time at a bar, and I Superkicked the hell out of Mira Sorvino one night, and that says nothing about the time I wrestled Henry Kissinger to an hour draw in Montreal. So all the awards and accolades you want to pile on yourself, John Cena, for all your lukewarm album sales, you don’t scare me. My threat level is at blue. The Champ is there? Hardly. The one champ, the true champ, is Triple H and don’t you forget it! Wait. I meant HBK. Damn you for messing with my cue cards, Hunter!

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Celebrities weigh in on McMahon/Trump

Ed Asner: Do you people even know who I am? I was Vrook in Knights of the Old Republic? Remember that?

William Shatner: If I…say…something about…Jerry Lewis…would that count…as my Hall of Fame speech? I don’t really…want to go to…Detroit.

Ivanka Trump: I have yeuge boobs, don’t I?

Richard Karn: Remember me? From Home Improvement? Family Feud? No, that was Louie Anderson. Come on. Guys?

Bow Wow: Yo, I didn’t like how you was representing black people as stereotypes last year, man. That’s racist.

Laura Prepon: Donald Trump. Wait, did I actually just answer the question?

Man, do I feel bad for you if you paid for this match last month. The live crowd is loving it because none of them even saw No Way Out. The story of the match is that none of the four men really trust each other, so each is spending as little time wrestling and as much time having UNCOMFORTABLE STAREDOWNS~! as possible. Eventually, Dave is in the match and if his week wasn’t bad enough already with his girlfriend being fired, Taker’s Body chucks Shawn Michaels at him. Taker leaves, leaving Batista in there by himself against Cena and Michaels. Cena laughs, but Shawn delivers the SUPERKICK TO CENA~! THE MEGA POWERS COLLIDE!!! HOW WILL THEY COEXIST AS CHAMPIONS?!?!?! OMGWTFBBQ~?~! SHOCKING SWERVE!!!!

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And…wait…that’s it?

Jim Ross: Sorry folks, we’re ALL OUT OF TIME!

Sunday: Shawn Michaels and John Cena agree to give up their tag titles, ensuring Wrestlemania is crammed with one crappy tag team gauntlet designed to get as many schlubs on the show as possible. Val Venis will win the annual Interbrand-Battle Royal for some reason. And by some shocking twist of fate, the Battle of the Billionaires will leave Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque and Ivanka Trump bald.

Enjoy Wrestlemania!!!!

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