Here Comes the Moneeeeeeeeeeeeey!

Shane McMahon: Yoyoyoyoyoyoyo yoyoyoyoyo! Listen up, listen up! I’ve got something really important to say. Do…do you all think I’m starting to go gray. Marissa would kill me if she wasn’t just a vassal for my unholy offs... God,

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Stop right there. I’m putting and end to this nonsense. For too long was I away making preparations for Wrestlemania. Now I return and find that in my absence this show has thrown away all sense of kayfabe. People are reading scripts on air, they’re breaking down the fourth wall-

Shockmaster: Dude, I already said that was an accident, ok? Geez.

Voice of Taker: Quite frankly, I’m sick of all you people and your nonsense. Present the wrestling world as it is, or get off TV. Now, cut your promo. No more asides or I’m going to blast you with some post production lighting.

Shane: See, now that’s just a double standard, bec-

Voice of Taker: Shut up and read.

Shane: That’s why I’m calling you out, Bobby Lashley! It’s time for the McMahons to get some respect up in here! Shane McMahon will be your next ECW Champion.

Voice of Taker: How will being the ECW Champion get you any respect? And why the hell would Bobby Lashley show up? He doesn’t even work on Monday Nights! He’s not going to be at RAW!

Bobby Lashley: Yo.

Shane: Booyah!

Voice of Taker: I hate this show.

Shane: Bobby Lashley, you’ve made a mockery of the McMahons for the last time. You know we don’t even watch that ECW crap, so your very existence as the “ECW Champion” is a bane to our existence. A bane which I plan to get rid of tonight, right here, in this very ring.

Lashley: If I win, can I shave your head? I kind of got a kick out of that at Mania. I should’ve been a barber.

Shane: Hell yeah! Makes me want to lose, kind of. No more gray hair, right? Hahaha.

Totally Not Jamal: Hakuna Matada!

Armando Alejandro Estrada: My name is Not Important! Haha!

Voice of Taker: Well, at least they finally got it right

Not Important: What is Important is that my man, Totally Not Jamal, is, how you say…Supposed to be the one becoming ECW champ. Haha!

Shane: Please. Tell me more!

Not Important: Well, when you think of ECW, what is the first thing you think about? Haha?

Voice of Taker: Pointless violence?

Lashley: Tommy Dreamer crying?

Shane: Certainly not Jamal.

Not Important: Precisely! So when you think of pointlessly violent things that make Tommy Dreamer cry which aren’t Jamal? What do you get?

Lashley: Totally Not Jamal! By jove, he’s right!

Shane slaps Not Important.

Shane: We don’t take kindly to that logic talk around her, mister!

Voice of Taker: Can’t argue with that.

Shane: This is my stupid title match! Nobody’s taking that away from me!

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Well, at least one of these teams knows how to dress. Sorta. Nice job getting Alexis back in the “Women’s title” picture though. What would be really fun is if she had all the face girls run around in different outfits and hit them with canes every week. That would be a bad ass angle. I think, of all the girls, Boobsie tries the hardest. I mean, she’s expanded her moveset more than Randy Orton, and despite it taking 900 years to set up, her rope choke is one of the cooler moves that these ladies do, honestly. But she still pretty much sucks. And so does Victoria, which is probably why she jobs to Alexis.

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Mick Foley is backstage with RAW’s honorary GM.

Mick Foley: Think about all the powers you have! You can have Viscera be on this show! Or book Todd Grisham in a WWE Title match!

Rory McAllister: Ach! Honorary GM! Please book us on the show!

Robbie McAllister: Aye! We’re sick of being on Internet Heat!

Chris Benoit: Yeah…I guess that’d be ok. I don’t know though, guys.

Rory: Hey! That’s no special needs, kid! That’s Chris Benoit!

Robbie: Don’t insult the poor kid!

Rory: NO! Seriously! That’s Chris Benoit! He’s the United States Champion!

Robbie: Are you saying that a special needs kid can’t be the United States Champion? I’m ashamed of you, Rory.

Rory: You sure as hell couldn’t be. Besides, remember Orlando Jordan?

Robbie: Aye. What a dark day that was.

Benoit: See, I told you this was a stupid idea, Mick.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Punch Tangerine Lime Charging Cherry here and I’m standing by with RAW GM and Make a Wish child, Chris Benoit. You’re…So…Inspiring. So tiny…So fragile…WAAAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: Don’t die little boy! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Benoit: Ugh.

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Ric Flair and Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Torrie Wilson) v. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
For a Shot at the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Before the match Carlito gets on the mic and thanks Ric Flair for bitching him out a few weeks ago, because Flair was right, Carlito is a sad, lazy excuse for a human being and a failure of a fake son. Well, at least their honest with each other. Next, Flair should tell Carlito that he has man boobs and looks like he’s 90. Somehow this leads to a clips package of the Four Horsemen DVD, where Flair only looks 75, and his promos actually started off with a point. Those were the days. There’s still no worse wrestling name than “Tully.”

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Except maybe “A.J.” Anyway, things seem to be going great for Flair and Carlito until Chloe the RAW Satire Mutt breaks away from Torrie’s grasp and Flair runs off to help her chase it down. With Carlito by himself, he has no choice but to job. To Cade and Murdoch? Geez, you are pretty pathetic, dude. Afterwards, Flair comes back with a completely different dog and Carlito pushes him away. He’s a scorned child! You don’t buy him cotton candy any more! Where were you on his third birthday, Ric? When he wanted the pony? Where were you?!

Wait, are Cade and Murdoch getting a title shot? Seriously? Who the hell is booking this crap?

Oh. Really?

I’m very sorry.

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Shane McMahon is backstage working on his dancing.

Shane McMahon: Hell yeah. I’ve still got it. Money money money money monaaaaay!

Jonathan Coachman: Shane, man, I’m not so sure about letting Chris Benoit book this show. It’s bad enough with the Voice of the Undertaker running around tonight, but Be-

Shane: Don’t make fun of the disabled, Coach.

Coach: Fine. But listen, I’m a little concerned. I mean, Bobby Lashley is a legit badass, he’s probably going to punch you into next week.

Shane: Fine with me. I’ve got a really awesome party to go to next week, and I can’t wait.

Coach: You’re not the littlest bit concerned?

Shane: Coach, I’ve wrestled Kurt Angle, Test, Big Show, Steve Blackman, and to a lesser extent, X-Pac on PPV, not to mention the time I almost killed my dad. I’m really not particularly afraid of the guy whose biggest claim to fame is that he can’t even main event his own show.

Coach: But, Shane, let’s face it. You’re getting…older….

Shane: Shut up, Coach. Besides, I’ve got all my bases covered. You see, we’re totally having a run-i-

The Disembodied Voice of Undertaker: SHAAAAAAAAANE!

Shane: I like marshmallows.

Voice of Taker: Better.

Elsewhere….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn, I’ve got to ask, how do you feel about Chris Benoit’s decision not to book me in a WWE Title match tonight?

Shawn Michaels: Todd, a lot of people are wondering, why in the hell am I wearing my mirror chaps and body armor tonight? Well, Todd, I’ll tell you. Because I’m going to battle. But I’m not going to battle for my risen Lord Jesus Christ, no, I’m going to war for the WWE Spinnin’ World Title! And nobody is going to stop me!

Randy Orton: You’re forthwithing one thing, Shane McMahon! I, Ranky Q. Morgan, standard in your ways! Because, I might not be going to gwar over your rippin’ Lord Jesse Crain either, but I have something tonight that you donut. DESTINY~!

Shawn: That was very poignant, Randy, but at the end of the day, I’m going to be the one kicking your destiny right through your face.

Orton: Oh, that’ll be pretty!

At this point, Todd Grisham is torn in half. Todd Grisham has fallen.

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Randy Orton v. Shawn Michaels
For the #1 Contendership for the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Shawn enters not only draped in body armor, but to “Sexy Boy.” DX is dead! Long live DX! Orton goes straight for the CHINLOCK~! instead of the Boston Crab, and it’s like I’ve been teleported back to last year. And John Cena is still the champ, so I could very well have been teleported back to last year, which sucks, because I’m going to have to wait a whole year now to go to Shane McMahon’s party. Edge comes out for no apparent reason, which pisses off both Michaels and Orton because they’re trying to make the most of their TV time.

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Thunder thighs are actually pretty tasty, by the way. Just FYI. WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan goes down for no real reason, so everything kind of just stops in the ring. This is a really, really well booked match. Orton tries to take credit for the Doan fall, but nobody’s around to award him the victory, so instead he gets Speared by Edge. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton hits the ring to fulfill this match’s quota of referees I can barely tell apart, and Shawn is up with a SUPERKICK TO ORTON~! Shawn falls over into a pin! 1..2..3...Who won? Shawn for getting the pin or Orton for making Shawn fall over? Sadly, we cut away before the referees can have a slap fight over it. Book it now: Patton vs. Doan at Backlash!

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Backstage, Randy Orton is in Shane McMahon’s dressing room.

Randy Orton: Shawn! Shawn Michaels! I’m so glam you’re here to fight! I just havered a match with Shane McMahon, and he fellered over! I’m the number wong conductor, right?

Shane McMahon: Randy, what the hell are you talking about?

Orton: The match where we just started what we finished? Haven’t you been witching the show? Monkey Nice WAR?

Shane: Go away.

Orton: Thanks you!

Elsewhere….

Mick Foley: Ok, little Chrisy, where do you want to go now?

Chris Benoit: Mick, I just want to go home. I hate that you made me come here and do this.

Foley: Look! It’s Val Venis and Super Crazy! I hear he’s both super and crazy!

Benoit: Yay.

Sean Cold Val Venis: Hey there, little guy! How old are you?

Benoit: Old enough to know that you pretty much suck, Val.

Venis: You’re just lucky you’re a cancer patient or whatever and not the U.S. Champion.

Super Crazy: Hi, Mr. Benoit! I’m super. I’m also crazy.

Benoit: Man, I wish I was really the GM. I’d fire your stupid ass.

Crazy: You’re a horrible, horrible, sick person. I hope you die of whatever disease it is you have soon.

Foley: That’s the spirit! Here’s Cryme Tyme! Hey, guys! It was this little boy from the Make A Wish Network’s biggest wish to run a WWE show! Why don’t you say something nice to him.

Shad Gaspard: Dawg, if I knew I was gonna die in a few months, I’d rob all the banks I could, and I’d bust caps in everybody what did me wrong. What are they gonna do? Lock my ass up? HA! You’re going down Frankie Valasquez from fourth grade. I’ll show you for stealin’ my glue, homie!

JTG: Shad, the period before your death should be filled with transcendent forgiveness and love, not violence and hate.

Shad: Sniff...Word.

Foley: See? Isn’t this a great wish, little guy?

Benoit: I guess.

Jonathan Coachman: Hey there, little GM! How’s tricks?

Benoit: I got Tough Enough Jessie’s autograph!

Coach: Congrats! Anyway, I hear you have a big announcement for Backlash!

Benoit: Yeah, I’m taking the opportunity to bo-

Edge: Shut up, death watch. I have to talk to the big people. Ok…Coach.

Benoit: Hey, I’m at least four feet tall. I can totally out reach Hobocycle.

Mick: Let’s go get some ice cream.

Benoit: Oh boy!

Johnny Nitro: Anybody else think it’s a little creepy that Foley is running around holding hands with that little boy?

Edge: Hey, cut it out, man. That little boy has a terminal illness.

Nitro: And he’s choosing to spend one of his last days with Mick Foley? Ew.

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The World’s Greatest Tag Team v. The Hardy Boyz
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Man, Charlie Haas did a better job booking RAW last week than Benoit this week. And he didn’t even need to hold hands with Mick Foley. Man, is RAW going to be in Italy next week? I have absolutely no material for that. London was easy. Japan was easy. Italy? Not so much. Expect a lot of leaning tower of pizza jokes. Especially if Viscera wrestles. Shelton Benjamin is the most athletically boring man I’ve ever seen. Good thing he gets pinned. Back to Internet Heat.

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It’s time for the Cutting Edge!

Edge: It’s time for the Cutting Edge! And look, I know what everybody’s wondering. “Why in the hell do you think that Orton and Michaels beating each other earlier means that you are the number one contender?” Well, I’ve got news for you idiots! The Voice of the Undertaker is gone, man! I can do whatever the hell I want!

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Umm…I’m back.

Edge: Awww. Fine. Can I be number one contender anyway?

Voice of Taker: Eh. What the hell do I care?

Randy Orton: No! No! I can’t believe you Takerster! How could you turn your black on me, your greatest friendster to side with my best fiend in the whole whirl Edgar? I think everybloody will agree that Shane McMahon fell over, thereforth I am the Numbered Fun Confessor.

Voice of Taker: I really, really, really can’t stand you still.

Shawn Michaels: I’m pretty sure that last spot in my match was botched, and I’m going to come out here and bitch and complain until I get my match with Cena. The Old HBK is back, baby!

John Cena: Yo, yo yo yo yo yo yo! YO! YO!

Who is number one
It’s easy to see,
I’ve beaten you all,
One two and three!

Edge isn’t it,
You’re not number one,
You didn’t even wrestle,
And our feud is done.

It sure as hell ain’t Randy,
He knows less moves than me,
And his grasp of English,
Is-

Orton: Fantabulouso?

What about Shawn?
Our Mania match was great!
But you’ve had your chance,
It’s time for you to wait.

Consider the options,
I think you’ll see it’s clear,
Nobody should face me,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Jonathan Coachman: No! I’m booking these matches as part of my duties as Executive Sexretary to Vince McMahon, and what I say goes. I say it’s going to be a Handicap Match, Team Rated RKO taking on John Cena for the WWE Spinnin’ Title!

Orton: Hear that, Ned?! Teen Rapid Arcade-O is going to be the Joint Champs of Graph!

Edge: No! No! Undertaker! He can’t make that match! That match makes no sense!

Voice of Taker: He’s got a point. Let’s see what Mick Foley has to say.

Mick Foley: Thanks, Taker. I’ve got a special little boy backstage who is the honorary RAW GM tonight, and I’m going to let him book the main event of Backlash.

Chris Benoit: Thanks, Mick. The Main Event of Backlash is going to be John Cena taking on Dean Malenko, Tommy Dreamer, and Michelle McCool for the WWE Spinnin’ World Title. Screw you all.

Foley: That’s…Not what we told you to say.

Benoit: Yeah? Well screw you. Way to give me a live mic, jackass after all this crap.

Voice of Taker: Chris, we can’t have these kind of nonsequiturs on this show.

Benoit: Screw you too, for taking my spot oldie. I’m going back over to Smackdown.

Voice of Taker: Sorry, guys. Can’t argue with that.

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Shane McMahon v. Bobby Lashley
Hair vs. Title Match for the ECW Title

They should’ve done this one in the ECW arena. It would’ve been rocketbustas. Remember when people on the ECW roster used to wrestle for this title? In, like, 2000? Anyway, Shane starts off the match by beating the hell out of WWE RAW Referee M-M-M-M-M-M-Miiiiiiiike Chioda. I don’t think this is Extreme Rules, so that’s the end of it. Does this mean Shane has to shave his head? Of course, not, because this brings out Totally Not Jamal and Not Important who lay the beating down on Lashley. They’re closely followed by Vince McMahon in a little sailor hat (adorable) who has the following announcement:

Vince McMahon: At Backlash it’s going to be Vince McMahon versus Shane McMahon versus Totally Not Jamal versus Not Important versus Tommy Dreamer versus Dean Malenko versus Michelle McCool versus Fit Finlay versus Hufflelump versus John Cena versus Bobby Lashley in a match which the winner gets the title of his or her choice and the hair of the opponent of my choice gets plucked out by a small beaver.

Huh?

Next Week: The writers try to figure out how the hell they can book around the stupid crap that happened tonight. Michelle McCool beats Totally Not Jamal for the WWE Intercontinental Title. And…A guest appearance by Super Mario and…The cast of the Sopranos. Hell if I know. Anybody know Italian?