John Cena is out and he looks mad. Slipping on board game pieces and losing to Randy Orton will do that to a guy. I think there’s more to it than that. Maybe Cena will enlighten us as to what that might be.

I ain’t go no title,
Spinnin’ around my waist!
Great Khali stole it,
Last week in his haste!

I’ve got to get my belt,
It’s all I have left,
Nobody believes I’m the guy,
Because of his theft!

At Judgment Day I’m coming,
Gonna take my belt back,
Khali is going down,
To the Cena crack attack!

John Cena fighting giants,
And I ain’t got no fear,
Khali is really pretty sucky,
And the CHAMP IS HERE!!

Ooh! That got Khali up on the Titan Tron where he’s standing by with…Indian Eric Bischoff?

Indian Eric Bischoff: Hello, my name is Indian Eric Bischoff. I’m Eugene’s third cousin. Incidentally enough, I’m not related to Eric Bischoff at all. I’m also The Great Khali’s translator.

The Great Khali: AATTHGGAPHOT! RAAACHKTPBT!

Bischoff: Daivari got moved to Smackdown.

Khali: RRAAAAAAAANNNNG!

Bischoff: I know everybody loves your promos, but nobody can understand you. You need a charismatic manager to get you over as a main event Superstar.

Khali: JUUUCHT YYBALI?

Bischoff: Uh…yeah. Like Torrie Wilson.

Khali: OOOOGHHHHAOOOOOOO!

Bischoff: Well, that’s sporting of you. But I don’t think it works for the angle if you decide to give the title back. Why don’t you cut a promo insulting his mother or Tha Trademarc? Or steal one of his catchphrases.

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Look, buddy, I know you’re new around here, so I’m not going to be too hard on you, but unless it’s absolutely necessary, we don’t really go for all this “angle” and “catchphrase” talk around here.

Khali: UNGAGAGA! REEFFFFP INNG PEEEEAG!

Bischoff: Now look what you did! That was completely off topic.

Voice of Taker: Sorry! Sorry!

Cena: ‘Sup, guys?

Bischoff: Cena! What are you doing back here?

Cena: I got bored of waiting for you guys to cut a promo, so I came back to get some Skittles.

Khali: HONNNNNKONK PHOOOOOEY!

Cena: Dude, that’s awesome! Congrats on your graduation. An Associates Degree in Art Appreciation is something to be really proud of.

Bischoff: You can understand him?

Cena: Of course. I got my Associates Degree in Punjab.

Bischoff: Me too.

Khali: REWWROOOREEWWOOO WOOOP WOOOOP!

Cena: Of course! I’d love to give you a celebratory hug.

Khali accidentally chokes Cena in his hug. Khali drops Cena and he and Bischoff take off.

Voice of Taker: In your face, dweeb. Geez, this has been a bad week.

(ads)

Lance, of course, lost a match to some dude last night at “Sacrifice” or whatever that TNA PPV was. Poor Lance. He really has to get on the ball here, or he’ll never be NWA champion again. Jeff Hardy, meanwhile has asked to be traded from the Hardy Boyz. I would too. That Matt is nothing but dead weight. If Jeff is serious about getting rid of him though, he should just sleep with his girlfriend. I heard that does wonders. It’s still Ashley right? That wouldn’t be so bad. So long as she doesn’t get snagged. I don’t think Jeff would be into it though. He rolls Murdoch up for the win. After the match, everybody shakes hands again and agrees to go out to the malt shop for sodas. Well, that’s nice.

(ads)

Here’s a video package for Abe Orton. He was still on ECW last week so…Huh? Why not a video package for, like, Nunzio or something then?

He can be eating cannoli.

Backstage….

Shane McMahon: Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo! So check it out! We’re going to have you wrestle Lashley tonight! That’ll show him. You’re gonna kick his ass. Booyah!

Jonathan Coachman: Really? I mean…I’m just a crappy announcer.

Shane: You did beat Tajiri that one time.

Coach: Hehehe…yeah. Highlight of his career.

Shane: Yeah…That’s sad.

Vince McMahon: What up, homies? Has anybody seen my boys Cryme Tyme? I want to chill out max and relax all cool. Perhaps later go for shooting some bball out side of the school.

Totally Not Jamal: GURGLEPHLAX!

Vince: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Austin: Go see The Condemned!

Venis: Give it up.

Indian Eric Bischoff: Sorry. No idea what he’s saying. I got an D in Deepest Darkest Samoan.

Vince: Well, I’m going to go track down Cryme Tyme.

Shane: Don’t worry, Coach. We’ve got your back. Well…Not Not Jamal. He hates you.

Not Jamal: HUSS HUSS!

Coach: *gulp*

(ads)

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Iron Chef Italian Santino Marella
Cannoli Battle for the WWE Intercontinental Title

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Well, I was told we would have a new announcer tonight, but the booth is empty except for me right now. I wonder what the hell is going on.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Fudgecookie-san!

Hatori: Egh…Um…Go ahead?

Maria: What is up with this dude’s music? Who is going to cheer for an aria? Yeah, welcome to the opera house, nerds!

Hatori: Good…good point, there Maria. That’s a little disconcerting. Well, after the Angle hair pasta goof last week, Iron Chef Wrestling is working really hard this week to-

Maria: Fudgecookie-san!

Hatori: Go ahead!

Maria: And what was wrong with Milan? Huh? Nobody is going to claim they’re from New Jersey if they’re actually from someplace cool like Italy. Hell, nobody is going to claim they’re from New Jersey even if they are from New Jersey. Right?

Hatori: Yeah! That bothers me too! I wonder who’s going to win….

Nunzio: Oh, Iron Chef Italian. For sure. I know my cannoli and Marella’s got the best cannoli on the block.

Hatori: You know your foods! Hey, you’re not the new commentator are you?

Nunzio: Heh. I wish! No…I’m just here scrounging for TV time.

Hatori: Well, who the hell was supposed to be the new commentator?

Elsewhere….

Rob Van Dam: Duuuuude, I can’t wait to get started on my new WWE contract. Announcer is a great position for me. Is this…Is this Kitchen Stadium?

Tommy Dreamer: No, Rob. This is my kitchen. You’ve been hanging out here for, like, two months. And you missed work today. They’re going to fire you even more than you already are.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Dreamer: No it’s not “All right!” You’ve got to start taking some personal responsibility for yourself, Rob.

RVD: Duuuude! Let’s go make a Slip N Slide out of baked beans!

Dreamer: …Ok. But just this once. Beaulah! I’m going to the park!

(ads)

Quick, WWE Superstars, if you could pick one person to stick on an island and blow up over the Internet, who would it be?

CM Punk: John Cena.

Triple H: John Cena.

Boobsie McTitsalot: John Cena.

Shawn Michaels: John Cena.

The Great Khali: AAAH EGGGAAAH!

John Cena: Shannon Moore?

Victoria gets the “already in the ring” treatment, so either we’re running late or nobody cares about Victoria. I’ll leave it up to you to guess which! (Hint: it’s both). Melina does the splits on the announce table, which causes Lawler to have a seizure. And I don’t think it’s because of how hideous her outfit is, which is too bad. The WWE Women’s Division, classier than ever, folks. Dave Meltzer must be smoking some kind of crack. Boobsie, dressed in an outfit made entirely out of pnk shoelaces, wins by whacking Victoria upside the head with her boobs. Melina is not impressed, but Boobsie thinks it was a performance worthy of a title match. Oh, it’s only the Women’s Title. Why not?

(ads)

Hey, look! It’s Edge! In case you’ve been living under a rock or are The Rock (or hell, don’t watch ECW, Smackdown or visit WWE.com, can’t blame you), you know that he cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase already and won the World Title from The Undertaker. So I guess he’s bidding us all a fond farewell. That’s nice of him.

Edge: I hate you all. I cannot wait to get the hell off this show, and get away from Triple H and Randy Orton and The Great Khali and ALL this crap. I mean, My God, this whole experience was soul shatteringly awful. The only thing worse than having to be on the RAW roster is Yau Man not winning the million dollars.

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: Yeah, just you wait until you get a load of Smackdown, man. You’ll be jobbing to midgets, hanging out with Boogeyman, trying to hold court with two guys from the 50s, and don’t even get me started on the fact that Teddy Long is too busy get his old ass swerve on that he’s turning Smackdown over to Vickie Friggin’ Guerrero. Of all people. Geez.

Edge: That sounds…Terrible. Maybe worse than here. I knew I should’ve cashed it in on Melina. Dammit. Agh. I can’t ever win. What about you? I suppose you want your rematch?

Voice of Taker: Hecks no. A one month title reign is fine with me. I’m going to take my body down to Cabo and chill out for about nine months. I’m tired of Shannon Moore chasing me around everywhere asking me if I want to be “tattoo buddies.” You have fun though, dude. I’m sure you’ll love it. Hahahahahahaha.

Edge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Shawn Michaels: Heh. Yeah. Orton is about the worst thing we’ve got here, dude. You screwed yourself. Don’t even get after Khali, man. That guy rocks the mic.

Edge: Conceeded.

Shawn: And at least Not Jamal isn’t Jamal.

Edge: You want a match? You’ve got one!

Shawn: I never said anything like that….

Edge: Yeah, well, we’re running long. I had to skip a couple pages. Eh, Taker?

Voice of Taker: I’m in Cabo! I can’t hear you! Lalalalalalalalalala!

Shawn: That sucks. So much for my awesome promo. Sigh.

Elsewhere….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Bobby Lashley, and Bobby, I’ve got to ask you, how do you feel about taking on three men for the ECW Title for, like, the billion friginth week in a row?

Bobby Lashley: Awesome.

Grisham: What? Really?!

Lashley: Sure. Whatever gets me on TV, dude. Right? I mean, we can keep having this match forever, and eventually I’ll win one or two of them. And in the meantime I get to beat the crap out of Vince McMahon and his son.

Grisham: Good point. I’d pay to get a good shot in at Vince.

Shane McMahon: Hey guys! Here’s the deal, Bobby. You can’t touch me unless I touch you first until Sunday? Ok? That way, the fans will absolutely be salivating for you to get your hands on us like you have a bunch of times for the last month.

Lashley: You guys are brilliant. I only wish I could book feuds half as well as you.

At this, Todd Grisham’s anklet bomb goes off and he explodes. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Shane: Here I go! I’m going to touch you! Woooooooreeeoooooo! Ooooh, almost got you there! Now I’m going to kiss you! Mmmmmmmmmmm…Oooh, just missed that time! Now I’m going to grab your crotch! Here I go. I’m gonna do it!

Shawn Michaels: You cut my promo for this?

Shane: Yep.

Shawn: Fantastic.

(ads)

I do like how the McMahons keep Not Jamal in on their strategy sessions without Not Important, despite the fact that about the most useful thing he ever adds to the session is occasionally trying to poke Vince in the eye. Anyway, Lashley pretty much just Spears Coach for the win, and then Not Jamal and Shane jump him. Lashley dodges a butt bounce from Not Jamal and then makes fun of his face paint, which causes Not Jamal to run off in shame. Shane manages to get a clothesline, in but Lashley pretty much just blinks and chases Shane backstage where he grabs one of Vince’s hats, extends the Gadget Copter and flies off. Disappointed, Lashley turns to go back into the arena and gets decked by Vince. That’ll show you for coming to the wrong TV show, like…12 weeks in a row, Bobby. Vince, for his part, looks particularly proud of the fact that he delivers a better belt shot than Great Khali. Also in his recent Associates Degree in Belt Shot Given. Thanks Phoenix Online!

(ads)

SEAN COLD! SEAN COLD! SEAN COLD! Carlito somehow manages to avoid asking him what he’s doing off Heat. My bet is that somebody saw him in that backstage segment a couple weeks ago, and said, “Val Venis still works here!” and got it into his head to use Val in a match. It’s working!! Of course, he gets pinned in about fifteen seconds by Carlito, but it was still a nice thought. After the match, Ric Flair comes out with a hardcore spanking for his prodigal TV son in mind, but Carlito bails to go find some cotton candy.

Backstage….

Shawn Michaels: They said I could have a few minutes to make up for my promo getting cut earlier and…No. Just…No.

Randy Orton: Spear me out, Shane. I’ve been doring a lot of thinking in the past few hours, or possibly the last fourteen seconds about how I can go about making a betterance of Ranky Q. Morgan and Ranky Q. Morgan’s lives. And then it donged on me, like a giant pizza falling out of the ocean! Who better to ask about the turnance of life than the man that made the biggest turnance around? Shane McMahon! The Heartache Kid! The Snowdropper! The Made Accent! If anyone can help me to make keepance of my job and help me to not do the job, it’s you!

Shawn: I’m flattered, Randy, I really am. Ok, you know what? You’re right. I was a lot like you when I was younger. Over-privileged with the longest leash in the company. I turned into a snotty asshole just like you did, and now I’ve sort of recovered from that. What really helped me is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Do you know Jesus, Randy?

Orton: Of corpse I do! Carburrito Calypso Cruel’s body guy!

Shawn: No, not that Jesus. The Savior? The King of Kings?

Orton: My old pal Triple 8 saved you? What a guy!

Shawn: Religion. Randy. Religion. Do you believe in God?

Orton: You mean JZL? He’s a West Wing God! So JZL helpered you to make a turnance of your life?! All he ever did for me was give me a soliloquy one time in the shower!

Shawn: …Right. What I’m saying is to go talk to JBL. Look, do you want to turn this conversation into a lame grab at the fact that there aren’t enough matches on the Judgment Day PPV and neither of us are booked yet?

Orton: Insoothe!

Shawn: Ok then. Thanks for wasting my whole promo time.

Orton: Waifing pogo time is what Timbers do best!

(ads)

Remember when Timbaland was on RAW a couple weeks ago looking for bitches? Me either, but I guess he stole Layla and Ashley for one of his videos. So that’s who likes the Diva Search. Got it.

Shawn Michaels is wandering around backstage. Hope he’s not lost!

Sadly, the World Title isn’t on the line here. I just want to see them try to explain the constant passing around of the World Title. Hey, if they keep it up long enough, The Miz will be a World Champion. That’s the kind of wrestling world I want to be a part of. If nothing else, he’s probably got an inside shot at the NWA title now. The announcers decide to sell that Shawn is suffering the ill effects of a concussion from talking to Orton for more than five minutes. I’ll buy that. Both guys run outside the ring to find out where Carlito got his cotton candy.

(ads)

The guys are eating when we get back. Be careful your hands to stick to each other, guys! Actually, it’s kind of gross what with the baby oil all over it and such. And Shawn’s new Insta-Tan crap. Shawn gets brain freeze from his slushy, and WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiiiiike Chioda is on the scene, but Shawn won’t tap out. Edge gets cocky, but Shawn super kicks the cotton candy out of his hand and rolls him up for the win. Take that Smackdown! After the match, Randy Orton kicks Shawn in the balls. Well…You can’t change a man overnight. Or in two weeks. Or probably ever. Edge sets up Shawn’s head for the field goal kick, but moves it at the last minute causing Orton to fly out of the ring into the crowd. Good Grief.

Sunday: May 19th! May 19th! May 19th! Whoops, got the wrong year there. There’s nothing cool about May 20th. Shawn Michaels takes on Randy Orton in the flimsiest match ever. Edge defends his World Title against “Dave” Batista “Davidson” in the flimsiest World Title match ever. And John Cena distracts the great Khali with the spinning of the title to get him counted out in a Match of the Year candidate for sure.