Hey, it’s Triple H! Remember him? Me neither! But apparently, he’s the King! The King of Kings! On your knees, Doug! Poor Doug. He never did get with Patty Mayonnaise, and now this?

Wait, that’s not Triple H! That’s King Booker! I wonder what he could possibly have to say?

Queen Sharmell: How many times do I have to tell you? Leave it alone! I don’t care if it upsets your stupid King gimmick, it’s not worth jobbing to Hunter 8 million times when he comes back.

Jerry “The King” Lawler: Good thing I found this house mic on the announce table, right? I just wanted to mention that I think it’s not really fair that I’m not getting my proper respect as the King. Hell, I’ve been King longer than most people here have been alive.

Booker: What exactly are you King of, anyway?

Lawler: Like…The…Plains?

Booker: Liar! King Kong Bundy the XII is the King of the Plains!

Lawler: It’s true! My entire life has been a lie! Will you ever forgive me, my liege? Even though I’m conspicuously wearing my “The King” shirt tonight?

Booker: Of course, my subject, I will gladly pardon your sins. But first, you must kiss Victoria on the lips!

Victoria: Why are you dragging me into this? I’m not even on this show any more. Make him kiss your ring or something.

Booker: My ring? Foul wench! Maketh thou some sense!

Lawler: Yeah, this makes a lot more sense. And I won’t do it. She’s way too old and wiry for me.

Victoria: I can’t believe how humiliating this is.

Sharmell: You weren’t a Nitro Girl. Every week, baby.

Victoria: Or with The Artist.

Sharmell: Don’t get me started.

Then Booker and Lawler punch each other for about fifteen minutes until a gaggle of officials and geese run out to separate them. This is going to be the most exciting match ever. I always thought Haku was the king of the Wrestling Kingdom.

Who Will Win? John Cena or Bobby Lashley?

Ric Flair: WOO! I’m going to take both their ladies for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! Because I style and profile, and I’m a wheelindealin kissstealinlimoridinjetflyinsonofagun whocantwaitforTripleHtocomebackbecause IloveitwhenhetellsmehowawesomeIam ANDTHAT’SWHYHESTHECHAMP!! WOOO!

(ads)

Hasn’t Jennifer Lopez learned anything?

Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin (w/ Charlie Haas) vs. Santino Marella vs. William Regal
For the Number One Contendership for the Intercontinental Title

Everybody loves having matches with Totally Not Jamal. I guess this is an elimination match, which is nice because it means that we can kill plenty of time on this one. Do you suppose Charlie Haas is pissed off that he’s not in this match? If I were him, I’d be more pissed about being forced to wear those ridiculous pants. Regal knees Marella in the face, and that’s enough for the pin. Man, WWE lost interest in Santino pretty quick, huh? Or maybe they finally remembered that he isn’t supposed to know how to wrestle.

(ads)

Regal and Shelton play nice for about fifteen seconds before Charlie Haas interjects, “We own this ring!” from the outside. Um, dude…No. Well, hell, I’m still not sure if Vince is dead or not. Maybe Charlie and Shelton chipped in and bought the ring in the fire sale. So anyway, Regal and Shelton wrestle for a while, and Regal throws out the Exploder like it was nothing, which is funny, because that’s Shelton’s finisher. And then Hardy rolls Regal up for an elimination. Then he rolls Benjamin up too to pick up the win. Sure, why not.

Who Will Win? John Cena or Bobby Lashley?

Edge: What the hell do I care? You know what’s awesome? Not being on RAW any more. Not having to deal with Randy Orton or Triple H or any of that. If I were still there, I certainly wouldn’t be in that match! I’d be feuding with Sandman or something. Geez.

(ads)

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton. Randy, I’m going to challenge you. I will give you five bucks if you can get through a whole sentence that actually makes sense.

Randy Orton: Glibly. Tonight, I’m going to end Kobe Banks’ career before it started!

Grisham: That was actually…Way closer to understandable than I expected.

Orton: Tom Griffon, it looks like sun bunny owes me five butts!

Grisham: I regret to tell you that I have but one butt to give for my company.

Orton: Tom, as attachive as you art, I cannot accept your buck. In other elephants, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, must go end the car’s ear of Doughy Ropes’ son’s on it fortnight. Wish me lurk!

Grisham: Did you just direct an interview better than me?! What is this company coming to?

Todd Grisham falls over and dies. Todd Grisham has fallen. Orton wins! Elsewhere…

Santino Marella: Maria-a, I don’t-a know what-a to do-a! I keep-a losing all-a of my matches-a!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Gee, I dunno, Santana, why don’t you try not sucking so hard?

Marella: Maybe-a a guy who-a never wrestled-a before shouldn’t-a be the Intercontinental-a Champion!

Maria: Nah, I’m pretty sure any halfwit can come in here and get a job with no wrestling experience. Hell, look at T.L. Hopper.

Marella: Ah-a! The wrestling-a plumber!

Maria: You’re really lame, you know that?

Marella: You-a still want-a to have-a the sex?

Maria: Yeah. How do you keep doing that?

Who Will Win? John Cena or Bobby Lashley?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I will win the MATCH! I want a shiny BELT!

(ads)

And now, a word from Abe Orton.

Abe Orton: BABIES!

Thanks, Abe. Nice moonface you’ve got going on there.

Seriously, his face is more full of divots and dents than my last car. The only thing that made him tolerable the last time around was his crazy beard. Which was awesome. I know he’s supposed to be all ugly and scary and stuff now, but that’s not really working either. Sorry, WWE. And what’s with the teeth? Do they even know we were watching the show last year when his teeth were fine? Were we even watching the show back then? Val loses, of course, because he’s Val Venis.

Backstage….

Cody Rhodes: All right! My first ever match! My first ever name repackaging! I can’t wait for my first ever interview! It’s going to be awesome.

Dusty Rhodes: Son, afoootooboo, tofgrpam ontah the muthaship, if you wheeeeeeeeel.

Cody: English, dad. Not moon talk. Say something normal.

Dusty: Soooomfaaa nooodble!

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAAAH! Todd Grisham has fallen! Your interview is cancelled! WAAAAAAAH!

Cody: No respect. Man. I can’t wait to turn heel.

(ads)

Jerry “” Lawler is in the ring.

Jerry “” Lawler: I’m out here to explain a bullrope match to you. You take one side of the rope and you tie it to one guy. Then you take the other side of the rope, and tie it to the other guy. Then, they punch each other. Just like back in the cowboy days!

Cody’s music sucks. Both guys stand around for the first twenty minutes of the match. Wow, the tension here is…what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yeah. Nonexistent. The, essentially, Orton beats the crap out of Cody for about another half hour. Best match of Cody’s career. I guess we’ve learned that he can kind of sell. Orton locks in the CHINLOCK~! and Cody passes out from it and falls over. Orton wins! After the match, Dusty beaches himself in the ring to give concerned looks to his son, while Orton bails and frowns all the way up the ramp. Feuding with a 900 pound white guy named Dusty is doing nothing for his Q rating among the preteens.

Who Will Win? John Cena or Bobby Lashley?

Steve Austin: What?

(ads)

Damn. I was so sure Beth was Jillian that I had my “Scott Hall Jokes List” all ready to go. What’s a guy to do? Does anybody remember Alexis broke her jaw? More importantly, do you figure Alexis wishes she was in TNA so she could be in Serotonin? Me neither. Anyway, the story of the match is that Melina’s face is framed about a billion times better with straight hair as opposed to this moppy crap she’s got going on right now. She does beat Alexis with her patented “Leg Throat Sweep Thingie,” however.

(ads)

Smackdown needs more Kane.

Backstage….

William Regal: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, aren’t you a King? What do you think of all this King nonsense?

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: I was stripped of my crown by French rebels, tough guy! HOOOOO!

Regal: Ah, the one thing the French have done right. Now, I need your board there for no good reason.

Duggan: That sounds like a good reason! Do you want to handle the shaft?

Regal: No. I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.

Duggan: USA! USA! USA!

Ron Simmons: Folks, I’m here again this week to tell you that making fun of another person’s sexual orientation for your own pleasure is no way to go through life. When you find yourself in a potentially sketchy situation that may lead you to mocking someone for their choice in partners, just smile and say, “Hello. Fine weather we’re having today, isn’t it?” Even if it’s a hurricane out.

Who Will Win? John Cena or Bobby Lashley?

Mick Foley: I don’t even watch the show, but I’m going to tell you what. John Cena will probably win because he beats everybody. And besides, he has to have the belt for a year before he can job it out to HHH so they can make a big deal about it. But if John Cena doesn’t win, I’m going to go with Lashley.

(ads)

Sandman apparently lost his The at some point. Maybe his next storyline can be where Super Crazy helps him get his The back. Or maybe he can feud with Kennedy next and he can call himself Mister Sandman. I bet Sandman would look great as a barbershop quartet singer. Anyway, the story of the match is Sandman outwrestles Carlito so Carlito hits him in the head with a cane. Oh, the tables are turned! I guess! After that happened, William Regan ran out and started kneeing people in the head, so Duggan came out and chased the heels away with a U-S-A chant. Duggan and Sandman in 2008!

John Bradshaw Leyfield: I’m pretty sure I could legit beat the crap out of both of them. But John Cena owes me like fourteen bucks, so I’m going with him. Maybe that cheapskate can pay me back after another month of being champion.

(ads)

Kennedy (Kennedy) did his thing where he announces his weight and that he’s from Green Bay before the match for the first time in forever. He should start changing his weight randomly just to screw with everyone. “Weighing in tonight at 244 pounds!” “Weighing in tonight at 356 pounds!” “Weighing in tonight at 115 pounds!” He could’ve won the cruiserweight title! Speaking of which, Super Crazy looks like he ate the Cruiserweight title. And about 50 cows. Crazy goes for the Triple Moonsault, but Kennedy hits him with an Inverse Superplex, which isn’t really that different from landing a moonsault, but it gets the pin, so ok.

OMG! Lashley and Cena can both walk! Riveting!

(ads)

Apparently, Triple H is coming back bigger, faster, and stronger.. No word yet on whether or not that impressive list also includes “pudgier” or “hairier.”

And now for the debate.

Jonathan Coachman: And now for the debate.

Bobby Lashley: Thank you, Mister Coachman. I am honored to be here. John Cena, I will end your title reign. You are going down.

John Cena: Bobby Lashley, I want to tell you that I don’t believe the reports that say you are actually a robot! No, I just think you’re boring. And that was the worst heel turn of all time. Everything you do comes up terrible. I don’t see how anybody could honestly believe that you can beat me.

Lashley: I am firmly against global warming.

Coach: Guys! You’re ignoring the real issue here! Am I still the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment or not?! And if I am, can I fire Vickie Guerrero?

Lashely: Now, I am going to opt out of cutting promos entirely. Because I am terrible.

Keystone Cops music fires up as Lashley chases Coach around the stage.

John Cena: Yo, Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO!

I’m the WWE Champ,
For Almost one year,
Lashley is nothing but a chump,
I’m going to bring him to tears!

Great American Bash? Bring it!
Defending my Spinnin’ Title!
Taking time off from rapping,
To defeat my new rival!

Nobody’s taking this seriously,
Lashley’s whole career is a joke,
Only reason he ever won a title,
Is because ECW on SciFi is broke!

You get my best, Bobby,
Better bring more than a spear,
Because I’ve got to face Triple H,
And the CHAMP IS HERE!

Then the WORLD’S GREATEST STAREDOWN! Lashley kind of frowns a bit, while Cena smirks and punches referees. That’s how you end a show, my friends.

Sunday: John Cena retains in a hardfought victory over a bowl of pudding. Cody Rhodes turns on his dad, but ends up getting crushed under his enormous weight. Oh, and Triple H returns during an impromptu Booker vs. Lawler match, and completely ignores both participants.