Randy Orton: Greeting and good evering, ladies and general men! It is with grape joy and probably jelly that I join you here at the end of the beginning to infoam you of my intentions to win the WWZ title from Joe

Vince McMahon: Quite Frankly, that’s a stirring tribute to the current state of affairs in professional wrestling, Randy. But this is kind of a waste of an opening promo. Instead, why don’t we focus on the really important things in wrestling. Like who my illegitimate son is! You see, on Saturday Night’s Main Event, I found out that it could be Steve Austin, which would actually make a lot of sense. So it’s obviously not him. It also could be Ken Kennedy, but I’m willing to dismiss that for the same reason. I was kind of hoping it would be Al Wilson, actually. Even if he is dead. I just hope it’s not somebody like you. Your dad must’ve been so disappointed when you started talking, huh?

Orton: My frost words were “Cowpie Rob Orson!” My dad was so plowed!

Vince: I bet! I also wouldn’t want to be John Cena’s dad, because then I’d be an indy manage/city bookkeeper glomming onto my son’s success.

Backstage….

John Cena: Yo! You there! Where’s Randy Orton?

Tough Enough Jessie: How should I know?!

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is Not Important, haha! What is important is that you’ve been fired as the general manger of how you say…ECW. For me! Haha!

T.E. Jessie: That doesn’t make any sense! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

In the ring….

Vince: And that’s why I don’t think my kid is J.R….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO!!

SummerSlam is coming,
The weather is gettin’ wet!
I’m going to beat Orton,
Harder than Vick’s pet!

Who is Vince’s son,
I don’t know or care,
It’s probably going to be,
The Nature Boy, Ric Flair!

There’s probably no payoff,
That really even makes it good,
Maybe Vince fathered Cryme Tyme,
While he was hangin’ in the Hood!

A shout out to my boy Trademarc,
A bad rapper, failed at life,
Now he works for TNA,
Hittin’ Kurt Angle’s Wife!

So Orton put me through a chair,
And my head isn’t very clear,
But I really need to know one thing,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Vince: I had sex with Kurt Angle’s wife once. Meh. Oh, and I had sex with YOUR MOM! BWAHAHAHAHA!

John Cena nods because he has to respect the sanctity of the Your Mom jokes. But he punches Vince for having sex with his cousin’s new booty call. Stand up for your homeys.

Vince: Oh yeah?! How’d you like to fight Abe Orton?!

Cena: Umm…You mean the guy that was jobbing on Heat not that long ago? K?

Orton: I miss couch in Aim.

And the crowd shrugs. And kind of sighs.

(ads)

Boobsie’s theme has been remixed by the 12 year old with a Fisher Price turntable that lives down the hall from you. Beth Phoenix, by the way is about 19 feet taller than any of the rest of the girls. William Regal comes out and mentions that it wouldn’t be Summerslam without a random women’s match, so he’s booking all the girls but Boobsie into a battle royal. Nice to see the Women’s Title being elevated to the same plateau as the X-Division. Boobsie rolls up Melina for the win. After the match, Alexis is so sad about Raven rejecting her last week that she beats the crap out of Boobsie for no reason. Afterwards, Melina throws Alexis out, and Beth press slams Melina into the upper deck. Best women’s match since last week.

(ads)

Backstage….

William Regal: I say, look at my scraggly hair!

Santino Marella: William-a Regal! I-a demand that-a you revoke-a the date-a tonight between-a Maria and Farrooqq-a!

Regal: Sorry, old bean, but they’re probably already out there, neeping the night away.

Marella: I’ve got-a to stop-a them!

Regal: Why do you even care so much?

Marella: Maria-a. She’s-a the only-a girl who-a will talk-a to me-a!

Regal: Godspeed, creepy stalker guy. Godspeed.

Meanwhile….

King Booker: I bought this badass new robe! Why? Because I must enjoy one last night as the King of the Wrestling Kingdom, before Triple H jobs my regal ass back to Smackdown. I should never have pulled this King of Kings gimmick out right now.

Queen Sharmell: I tried to warn you!

King Booker: But tonight, I’m going to get my crown on! I’m going to get some RC Cola! I’m going to rock my awesome new cape! And I’m going to revel in the fact that, at least for the rest of this week, I don’t have to job to Triple H!

Queen Sharmell: TESTIFY!

Elsewhere….

Jonathan Coachman: Like I said, we’ve got to stretch this angle out for weeks. So, I was just thinking we could walk down this hall and see what random kids of yours we come across.

Vince McMahon: That sounds delightful.

Coach: I just hope it’s not Triple H.

Vince: Haven’t you learned anything, Coach? Everybody loves incest.

Sean Cold Val Venis: I know I do! Like when I feuded over Ken Shamrock’s sister with him? Man, she was pretty hot, whatever happened to Ryan?

Vince: She had sex with The Maestro.

Val: So, think I could be your spawn?

Vince: No spawn of mine is going to be a jobber, so no. Plus, I wouldn’t hit a Canadian with Coach’s penis.

Coach: Aww….

Val: What about Trish?

Vince: She was Canadian?! Ew Ew Ew!

Khosrow Daivari: LEYLEYALEYLAHOOOOOH!

Vince: Next.

Daivari: Oh, come on! I haven’t even pitched my angle to you yet!

Vince: I’m sure it’s going to involve a wacky misunderstanding that ends in me getting targeted for another jihad. I’ll pass.

Daivari: Dude…whatever. I was going to let you sing “Desert Rose” with me.

Stevie Richards: How about me?

Vince: You’re not even supposed to be on this show. But why you?

Richards: It sure as hell would explain why I’m still employed.

Vince: Hmm….

Coach: Have you ever been shot? Maybe Abyss is your secret son.

Ken Kennedy: My appearing in this segment is not a plot anvil at all. Just a charming coincidence.

Vince: Right.

Kennedy: Coincidence!

(ads)

The one thing I always like about Cody Rhodes is that he always looks drunk coming down to the ring. More than Austin or Sandman even. Almost as much as Scott Hall. Also, he’s got that wild red eyed, bitch slapped look about him like Luke Skywalker at the end of Empire Strikes Back. You know the one. OH MY GOD!!!

In the not too distant future….

Vince McMahon: There is no escape! Don’t make me destroy you. Cody, you do not yet realize your importance. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength we can end this ratings slide and bring order to the Wrestling Kingdom.

Cody Rhodes: I’ll never join you!

Vince: If you only knew the power of the McMahons…Ric Flair never told you what happened to your father!

Cody: He told me enough! He told me you dressed him up in polka dots and fired him.

Vince: N-

Cody: The Randy Orton kicked him in th-

Vince: SHUT UP! No. I am your father.

Cody: No! That’s not true! That’s improbable!!

Vince: Search on Google…You know it to be true!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I will never be hired to write for WWE. That and my bloated salary. Cody rolls Shelton up for the win. After the match, Charlie Haas beats the crap out of Cody because nobody likes a sissy boy overactor.

(ads)

These teams need names, y’all. Seriously. This, in case you haven’t noticed, is a non-title match. I love how J.R. and Tazz (I forgot to mention that Jerry “” Lawler was still out because Booker killed him) are talking about this match like it would be a huge upset if the former WWE World Tag Team Champions for almost a year beat two guys that just got off a streak of jobbing to everybody in the company for nine months. Cryme Tyme hit the ring and swiped Murdoch’s John Deere trucker cap to sell. Fittingly, they sell it to the douchiest looking white kid in all of Fayetteville (and that’s saying something) for two dollars and his finest plastic bling necklace. Kendrick gets the pin on Cade, and somehow this seems like the most perfect match on the card. Weird.

(ads)

On the date….

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Well, this is nice. Nobody I’ve ever neeped even took me on a date before. Oh, wow! This Applebees menu is so vast and interesting, I don’t even know what to order!

Waiter: What about you, sir? Do you know what kind of soup you’ll be wanting with your entrée?

Ron Simmons: Ah, yes, I’ll take the Vichyssoise Leek Soup, please.

Waiter: I…uh….

Simmons: Chicken Noodle.

Waiter: A fine choice, monsieur!

Simmons: We should’ve gone to red lobster and gotten cheesy bread.

Santino Marella: I-a hope I’m-a not interrupting-a anything. I-a just thought-a I’d bring a date-a here to keep-a you all-a company.

Maria: Ron and I were just going to go to the bathroom and have sex.

Simmons: Hold that soup for a minute.

Jillian Hall: OPEN BAR!!!

Marella: Oooh…Jillian-a! No-a!

Simmons: This date could not possibly be going any better.

In the ring….

Queen Sharmell: Ladies and gentlemen, the true King of the Wrestling Kingdom, King Booker!

King Booker: And what feud with Triple H would be complete without somehow making fun of his nose before totally jobbing out to im on the next PPV. Fake Triple H? Come-on down!

Fake Triple H: Thank-uh you-uh for buying-uh me-uh these-uh Groucho Glasses-uh!

Fake Triple H, who looks just like the real Triple H in all things nasal, puts the mighty plastic crown on Booker’s head, signifying either that he is King of all things, or possibly that it’s his birthday. Happy Birthday, Booker, either way. Tazz clears out so that Booker can address J.R. without being choked out.

King Booker: James Ross! You keep acting like I’m the heel in this feud, but all I’m trying to do is free myself from the persecution of 50 something cradle robbers who think they’re still relevant and pseudo-McMahons who hate black people. Why you always got to be putting me down on commentary? So, as punishment, I want you to kiss my ring! Go on! Kiss it! French that sucker!

Jim Ross: No way!

Tazz: Do it, brotha! You’ll be my new hero!

The Queen Sharmell dumps some barbeque sauce on Booker’s ring, and J.R. winds up licking it for the rest of the show. Well played.

(ads)

At the restaurant….

Ron Simmons: I love the fine dining experience a place at the mall like Applebees has to offer. I hope you all are enjoying your meals.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): I’m really expanding my horizons tonight.

Santino Marella: Why won’t-a anybody have-a the sex-a with me-a?

Maria: I’m genuinely afraid of having your illegitimate offspring. I heard there’s a case of that going around at work.

Jillian Hall: Hey Yo! One more win…For the good guys!

And Jillian grabs the busboy and hits the Fall Away slam on him through a nearby table.

Maria: At least your date seems frisky.

Santino: Mama mia! So does-a anybody remember-a when-a I was-a Intercontinental Champion-a?

Maria: Nope.

Simmons: You weren’t even from Italy! And you were a plant. And you had Lashley’s help. But other than that, no, I don’t really recall much of you actually being the champion.

Eugene: Hello sirs and madames! I am a fan from the Internet. I just wanted to say that I have really enjoyed Santino’s performances in these segments these last few days. He is much more entertaining than Pacman Jones or any of those fools in TNA. I’d much rather watch Santino attempt to wrestle or appear flopping his injured arm around in dating segments than any kind of “High School Musical.”

Maria: Did Santino pay you to say that.

Eugene: More or less. Hey, High School Musical 2 is rerunning and I forgot to set my TiVo. Later!

Hall: DOWN THERE!

Back at the arena….

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Welcome to Carlito’s Cabana! I’m your host, Carlito. With me tonight is my very special guest. You all may know him as the current WWE Intercontinental Champion, or if you’ve forgotten who that is, as a guy who is certainly not former WWE Superstar Jamal. Give it up folks for Totally Not Jamal!

Totally Not Jamal: UUOOOOCHMWF!

Carlito: Yes, I can see already why I booked you. Now, it occurs to me that you don’t have anybody to wrestle yet at Summerslam. Have you ever considered who you’re going to give the Intercontinental Title match to?

Not Jamal: BEEERRRSTFPL!

Carlito: Now hold it right there, I know for a fact that Beeerrrstfpl has been retired for years. No, you’re going to give me a title shot and like it!

Ken Kennedy: I’m tired of hanging out backstage waiting for Vince McMahon to walk by. What’s going on out here?

Carlito: Not Jamal here was about to grant me an Intercontinental Title shot at Summerslam.

Ken Kennedy: What kind of crap is that, Not Jamal?! I totally earned that shot a hundred times more by not being a huge jobber and besides, Carlito is nobody to wrestle on PPV.

Not Jamal: BAAAPH! BAH!

Kennedy: Yeah, that’s fine, just go ahead and drink that little coconut drink at me. Just know this: I didn the one thing that you never will be able to….

Carlito: Eat an entire lime, rinds and all?

Kennedy: Ew, no! I was able to injury Bobby Lashley! Take that, fat Samoan guy!

And with that, Not Jamal beats the crap out of Carlito’s apple bin and furniture. Jericho never would’ve stood for this. The rampage continues until Not Jamal gets trapped in Carlito’s hammock. William Regal takes the stage.

William Regal: You know what I really want to see? Heel versus heel for a shot at the WWE Intercontinental Title, right there in that very ring. It’ll be awesome. Then I’m going to call Not Jamal “Umanga” because he loves Japanese comic books.

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Ken Kennedy
For a Shot at the WWE Intercontinental Title at Summerslam

We all know this is going to a no-decision because they have to find some way of getting all three of these guys on the show, right? Ok. Just checking. The crowd has gone deathly silent, showing great reverence for the non-finish we are all about to observe. For his part, Kennedy looks completely bored out of his skull out there. When Carlito is carrying your match, you have issues. I don’t know, maybe he’s just waiting until the McMahon storyline heats up. Or hey, maybe he’s just dogging it because he knows he can’t get fired now.

(ads)

When we come back, Kennedy is beating the crap out of Carlito in the corner. You know what I miss? Kennedy’s feud with Super Crazy. Now there was a feud that really had some potential. Potential for what, I’m not really sure. If they were going to give Lawler the night off, they should’ve brought in Iron Sheik to do commentary. Not that I don’t like Tazz, but come on. Kennedy and Carlito roll each other up and both get the pin. What a shocking no-decision! WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance doesn’t know what to do!

William Regal: Triple threat match! Sorry to have wasted your time! Cheerios!

(ads)

It’s time to play the game! Oh! Ok! Two words…sounds like….

Meanwhile, on the date….

Santino Marella: Ron Simmons-a! I hate-a you!

Ron Simmons: I think you are faking your injury.

Todd Grisham: It’s that time again, folks! Time to throw the Fifth Wheel into the mix and find out how our dates will change! Tonight’s Fifth Wheel is…well…me. And I choose to die rather than spend any time with these people.

The Fifth Wheel bus runs over Todd Grisham. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Simmons: Crap. I was going to pick Todd.

Marella: I pick-a the Maria-a! She’s-a the only-a girl who-a talk-a to me-a!

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): I pick myself too!

Jillian Hall: BURP!

Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: Melina! I’m really glad you’re not my kid! And I’m sorry I implied that we had sex.

Melina: You imply you have sex with every girl who works here. It’s just part of the biz.

Vince: So, who are you texting with on your phone there? Your boyfriend John Morrison? I heard he’s totally far out, man.

Melina: My lawyer. How do you spell harassment?

Vince: H-A-

Abe Orton: I HAVE ACNE PROBLEMS!

Vince: Yikes! Abe! How are you doing?

Abe: I’m having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: That sounds like a bad PROBLEM!

Melina: Heeeeey, Davey!

Batista: Has anyone seen my best friend HUNTER?

Abe: I never knew my family, Vince.

Randy Orton: What art you tanking about, cutting Abe? We hug out at your parent’s mouse all the times!

Abe: LIES! Don’t ruin my gimmick, cousin Randy!

Vince: I’m so glad that none of you are my children.

Abe: Children?! Where?!

Melina: Oh, Vince. It looks like you should’ve had an Abe Orton!

Everyone laughs and..Freeze Frame!

(ads)

Didn’t some guy audition for Tough Enough one year under the gimmick of Vince McMahon’s illegitimate son? Where the hell is that guy? I wish he was here right now. Anyway, this match is pretty much exactly what you’d expect when Abe and Cena finally hook up. Remember when they wanted to headline a PPV with this? HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Anyway, Cena goes to hit the FU on Abe, but because you have to protect Abe Orton, cousin Randy runs out for the save. Cena wins by DQ. Cena is so pleased at being able vanquish this massive jobber that he goes to celebrate and trips over his shoelace. Orton wins! Not that one, the other one! The one that has the WWE Title match on Sunday.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: John Cena retains the WWE Title when Randy Orton accidentally locks himself in his own torn apart hotel room. Also, Totally Not Jamal finally gets untangled from the hammock. And Triple H returns and immediately tears his quad again. But he still goes over Booker.