It probably won’t be John Cena, but he’s in the ring anyhow.

John Cena winning Emmys,
World’s Greatest Actor,
Getting an Oscar for The Marine,
DVD hotter than a reactor!

I hear the male fans booing,
Because they’re tired of John Cena,
All the children and women cheer,
Filling up the arena!

Last night I fought Orton,
His pretty ass got kicked,
I earned myself a DQ,
And my dad was really pissed!

Kicked Randy in the head,
Tried to end his damned career,
All that maters is one year later,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

Jonathan Coachman: Thank you for those stirring words, John. And while you will be taking on Randy Orton again this month because we fired or suspended everybody else that would’ve been a viable opponent, including Orton, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue, I’ve booked Orton versus Cena for tonight. But not, John Cena!

Cena: No! You don’t mean!

Coach: That’s right! I booked Mistaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Cena! Cena! And if he doesn’t wrestle…we’re stripping you of the title!

Crowd: YAY!

Cena: That’s ok! My dad will beat Orton like a cold knife through warm Pop Tarts.

Crowd: Boo…Wait, what?

Coach: Right.

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Shelton Benjamin vs. Jeff Hardy
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Shelton is apparently the “Blonde Bombshell” now. Couldn’t he have gone with a more innocuous color? Like blue? Jim Ross insists on mentioning that Shelton went to the University of Minnesota every ten seconds. This isn’t exactly the time to be parading that around, J.R. I mean, they didn’t lose to Appalachian State or anything, but dropping one to Florida Atlantic is…well, like losing your tag team partner and going back to jobbing in all kinds of singles matches. So it’s totally accurate. Sorry, Shelton. You’re a loser just like the Gophers.

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Did I mention that I went to Wisconsin? And we had trouble putting away Citadel, so it’s not exactly a good year for me to be trumpeting the values of my football program either. Hardy locks in an armbar, but he’s too woozy to do anything with it. Because he was crushed by The Great Khali and his Kona Crush last week. Remember? Heh. Me neither. Jeff dumps Shelton off the top rope, and Jeff hit’s the Swanton off the top for the win. After the match, Jeff decides to wear the Intercontinental Title as a necklace, before thinking better of it because it covers his entire face.

DIVA SEARCH 2007~! Update: They can’t play volleyball. I don’t know if any of them have names yet. But the blonde ones call themselves the “Blonde Bombshells.” Nice work, Shelton.

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: I’m not leaving this limo until I know for sure what the hell we were thinking when we made Hubbletelescope here my son.

Jonathan Coachman: I don’t know. I’ve spent the whole day practicing my “Mistaaaaaaaah Cena! Cena!” impression.

Vince: Impressive.

Hornswaggle: I’m eating Lucky Charms! Isn’t that crazy?!

Coach: Why is he taped to the seat?

Vince: Hell if I know. He did that to himself.

Hornswaggle: BWAHAHAHA! I’m a crazy midget!!

Suddenly, Hornswaggle turns into a frog and hops away.

Coach: Mr. McMahon…can you-

Vince: Nah. He gets that from his mother. I can only turn into a walrus.

Coach: Really?!

Vince: Shut up, Coach.

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Backstage….

John Cena: Oh, man, dad! You’re going to beat the crap out of Randy Orton!

Mister Cena: After Coach Man said that he was going to strip you of that WWE Title, I said, “No way, Jose.” And then I apologized for calling him Jose, because his name is Jonathan.

Cena: Maybe, you’d better shut up. You’re no Al Wilson, you know what I mean?

Mister Cena: Son, you know full well I’ve always wanted to be a character on RAW. This is my big break, and if I have to beat your dumb ass to do it, well…It’ll be just like 1988 all over again.

Cena: That’s the…um…spirit?

Mister Cena: Because with God as my witness, I will rain hellfire down on Randy Orton. I will crush every bone in his body and make bread from the paste of his flesh. I will bring destrucity to the WWE ring and with the blood of a thousand men pulsating through these very veins like barbarians sacking an ancient, royal city, I will destroy everything in my path. For there is only one true WWE Champion, and his name is MISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAH CENA!

Cena!

Elsewhere….

Santino Marella: Jillian-a Hall!

Jillian Hall: Hey, yo!

Marella: Hey-a yo, yourself-a! Have-a you seen-a Maria-a?

Jillian: No, mang. But we could sing a song if you want.

Santino: Like-a Britney at-a the VMA-as?

Jillian: Are you calling me fat?

Santino: That’s-a not important-a!

Armando Alejandro Estrada: No! I’m Not Important! Ha ha!

Santino: Shut up-a you face-a! Go back-a to ECW-a!

Not Important: Fine! Haha!

Santino: What-a is important-a is that we’re-a here in Nashville-a, so I’m-a gonna make-a like Carrie-a Underwood and break-a Maria’s car-a before she-a can cheat-a on me with Ron-a Simmons!

Hall: That’s not crazy at all. And neither is that…Mohawkullet you’ve got going on there.

Santino: The last-a time I let-a Shelton Benjamin-a cut my-a hair!

In the McOffice….

Vince McMahon: Holy Mace Wielding Minotaur Kings, Coach! My whole office is decked out in green balloons and Irish party favors.

Jonathan Coachman: Dibs on the Guinness!

Vince: That damned, Hotpocket! He’s taken over my entire life! And what, exactly, do I have to show for it?

Coach: Green corn chips and a bottle of Bailey’s?

Vince: You’re not helping, Coach.

Hornswaggle: Try to catch me and win a free iPod Nano!

Hornswaggle takes off down the hall. Coach runs after him, because he needs himself a new iPod.

Vince: This day keeps getting worse and worse. What are you supposed to be? A unicorn?

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAAAH! Just because I have a zit on my forehead doesn’t mean you have to point it out to everyone! I HATE YOU! This is the worst office St. Patrick’s Day Party Ever! WAAAAAAH!

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Khosrow Daivari vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
In a Flag Match

What’s Detroit’s flag anyway? Oh…Wait. Daivari is supposed to be from Iran now? Well, Layleahlayleahoooooooooh! I love this random booking though. “Who’ve we got on the roster?” It was either this, or a ten minute long segment of the naked writer guy spraying baby oil on Hornswaggle. Daivari tries really hard to make this a great segment, but Hacksaw isn’t having any of it. Instead, he just climbs up his pole, gets the flag, scrunches up his face and yells, “HOOOOOOO!” If Hacksaw would’ve been on Pirate Master, that show would still be on. See what happens when you take steroids, Gregory Helms? Crap like this gets booked. It’s all on you. This is on your head.

Backstage….

Jonathan Coachman: Man…I don’t want a Nano that bad.

Cody Rhodes: I’ve got this great idea! What if you put me in the main event tonight, and I kick John Cena’s dad right in the head! I mean…massive heel heat, right?

Coach: Nah, you’d probably become the national hero of Tennessee.

Cody: Dammit. Coach, I need to think up a plot to turn myself heel. Maybe my brother was right. Maybe I should just dress up in face paint and pretend to be gay.

Coach: Pretend?

John Cena: You know, Coach, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and I don’t think my dad should wrestle tonight.

Coach: Afraid Orton will hurt him?

Cena: Hahahahaha…No. I’m afraid that he’s going to go mad with power and start beating up Val Venis.

Coach: Well, how about this? I’ll book you in a mystery match tonight. And the winner of that match decides whether or not tonight’s show has a main event, or if we just sit around for ten minutes and wait for Dr. Steve-O to start.

Cena: Sounds like something that you would say to me!

The two men shake hands and go their separate ways.

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Vince McMahon is in the ring.

Vince McMahon: It has come to my attention that I have a leprechaun son. Quite frankly, I guess I should just be happy that he isn’t running around killing people, but it’s still a little disconcerting, no pun intended, that the fruit of my looms could be so, small. But I am nothing if not a giving man, so I’d like to bring out my bastard son, Haggismcmuffin!

Hornswaggle dances his way to the ring. He’s definitely Shane’s brother.

Vince: Hoodoovoodoo, son, you know there’s a lot of pressure being a McMahon. I don’t know if you’re ready to take it all on.

Hornswaggle: But there’s a huge cash to check when you die, right?

Vince: Well, yes, but-

Hornswaggle: Then, in the words of the dearly departed Cryme Tyme: “Money, Money, yeah yeah!”

Vince: Be that as it may, I’ve decided that I don’t really need another little person sucking money off me. Quite frankly, I had enough of that with the juniors division, and unless your name is secretly Super Porky or Cheatum, I’m not interested. So, I’ve decided to give you up for adoption.

Hornswaggle: Dude, I’m…like…21. You can’t even technically do that.

Vince: The hell I can’t! Bring out Honorsstudent’s new parents! Meet your new daddy and mommy, little guy! Mr. and Mrs. Popadopolis!

Mr. Popadopolis: It will be wonderful having another twenty year old little boy in our family.

Mrs. Popadopolis: It sure will! We’ve got the perfect home for a person of your special needs, isn’t that right, Webster?

Webster: Leave me the hell alone, lady! I’m not even your real adopted son! This is getting really creepy.

Hornswaggle: Listen, Brad and Angelina, I really appreciate what you’re doing for Webber over there-

Webster: That’s Webster or…I mean…Emmanuel…er…I don’t even know anymore. Geez.

Hornswaggle: Well, Mr. Popadopolis, prepare to find out what it’s like to have two adult children!

Hornswaggle and Webster hit the conchairto on Mr. Popadopolis.

Webster: It’s ok, ma’am, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you!

Mrs. Popadopolis: Wait! Wait! Screw this. I’m too old to be doing this crap anyway. Keep your lousy kid, Vince. Keep ours too. Just…get the hell away from us.

Vince: This is an unfortunate turn of events.

Hornswaggle: Hey, it’s not all bad. I am the Cruiserweight champion.

Vince: Sigh…I know. I know. Which is why I want you to go back to Smackdown so I never have to see you again! And tell Finlay that I hate him.

Triple H: What’s going on in this segment anyway? You’ve been out here for an hour.

Vince: I’m trying to unload my bastard son, who thankfully wasn’t you.

HHH: And how’s that working out?

Vince: I think I was able to demote him back to Cruiserweight status.

HHH: So what’s next? Sex with fairies? Undertaker vs. Dragon feuds? Fathering a satyr? A RAW Satyr?

Vince: RAW Satyr? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. More ridiculous than that unicorn I saw earlier.

HHH: Hey, dude, don’t knock that unicorn. That’s hard to find nowadays.

Tough Enough Jessie: It’s a PIMPLE! I AM NOT A UNICORN! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Vince: Well, this segment has gone about as far as it’s going to. Good luck in your match tonight.

HHH: Who am I fighting?

Vince: Cade and Murdoch!

HHH: Bwahahahahahahah…ok.

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Cade and Murdoch, you’ll remember, are the current WWE Tag Team Champions. And I’ll forgive you if you don’t remember, but there’s only three tag teams, so get your heads in the game. Didn’t Triple H beat these guys a million times by himself already? Along with the Spirit Squad? What am I asking you guys for? You don’t even know who the tag team champions are. Anyway, Hunter fights out of a double team and nails Murdoch with a Spinebuster for the pin in about thirteen seconds. Nice booking there, dudes. Carlito comes in to take Hunter down, but London and Kendrick hit the ring for the save. Oh, you dummies. HHH, London, and Kendrick clear the ring, but then Triple H hits them with the PEDIGREE TO THE TAG TEAM DIVISION~! Well played.

Backstage….

Rory McAllister: Ach! We should’ve gone out there!

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Beth Phoenix is outside the ring, no doubt to call an OBJECTION on any shenanigans. Boobsie’s music is still awful, by the way. All eyes on me-me-me-me! Jillian tries for the Ladies Razor’s Edge, but Alexis slips out and gets the hot tag to Boobsie, who immediately begins almost hitting Melina and Jillian with flying forearms. So close! Then she nails Melina with an Unprettier for the win. Best women’s champion ever. After the match, Beth Phoenix comes into the ring and slams the belt onto Boobsie. She’s a Glamazon, you know. One with a law degree.

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The Condemned is out now on DVD. Be the first to own it!

Backstage….

Jonathan Coachman: I think we finally got rid of Hoobastank for good, Vince. I haven’t seen him since you told him to go back to Smackdown.

Vince: And the beauty of that is, Coach, that we never will again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get in my limo and leave. Happy Hour is almost starting and I don’t want to miss it.

As Vince’s limo pulls out, Hornswaggle opens the trunk and hops in.

Hornswaggle: To Bel Aire!

Coach: Aw crap! And what the hell happened to my CAR?! SANTINO!!!!!

Santino Marella: Oops-a. Sorry about-a that!

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John Cena vs. Santino Marella
If John Cena Wins He Gets to Choose Whether Or Not This Show Has a Main Event

It’s not a good sign when John Cena is laughing at your entrance. Or maybe he got a look at Santino’s hair. If it’s any help, just keep telling yourself, “At least it’s not Abe Orton.” That usually settles me down. And it works for pretty much every situation. Anyway, Randy Orton attacks Cena and that draws the DQ. Geez. You know, if they really thought this out, Randy could’ve attacked Santino, and that would’ve gotten him the win. But whatever. Let’s see what John decides.

Jonathan Coachman: What’s it going to be, Cena? Is there going to be a main event tonight? Or should we just stand here for fifteen minutes?

John Cena: The main event is on! Enjoy your match, dad. I’m going to handcuff myself to these ropes during the break.

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He’s still no Al Wilson. Have we really gone a whole night without a Randy Orton promo? Anyway, John Cena falls asleep in the handcuffs outside the ring to start. Mister Cena tries everything in his arsenal, from a 750 splash to a tornado DDT to an Indian Deathlock, but he ends up getting winded about twelve seconds into the match, and he falls over. Orton wins! Cody Rhodes runs out to try to kick Cena’s dad while he’s down, but he slips and takes a header into the ring steps instead. John finally wakes up and throws a turnbuckle at Orton. Meanwhile, the crowd chants “You can’t wrestle!” Which is a pretty mean thing to say to WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance. He’s trying, guys.

Next Week: Hornswaggle comes back to RAW under his new gimmick Mini-Trump. John Cena tracks down Randy Orton’s father so he can kick him in the head, but he just gets a cast to the face and Hepatitis for his troubles. And those crazy kids Santino and Maria get relationship counseling from Kevin Nash.