Jonathan Coachman is already in the ring, and he introduces Vince McMahon by way of insulting Randy Orton.

Jonathan Coachman: We decided to suspend Randy Orton for thinking any of us were dumb enough to buy his “getting married” excuse when we know he’s just sitting around his hotel room getting

Vince McMahon: Yes, thank you for that stirring introduction, Coach. However, I have no interest in talking about the WWE Title situation. I must talk about someone more important than the WWE Champion. That’s right, Triple H! Because, you see, Triple H is dominating RAW again. And I can’t have that happen! So I’m going to embarrass him! By giving him a huge segment in the second hour! In a cage match! Against Carlito!

Coach: Dude, even I could beat Carlito right now.

Vince: And his tag team partner…ME!

Coach: Oook?

Vince: I guaran-damn-tee it! Now, to address another issue, I’d like to call out my son, Hogwild!

Coach: The WCW PPV?

Hornswaggle: I think he’s talking to me.

Vince: Hogwarts, I know I tried to give you away to the Webster family last week. But that was just a test. You see, most of my bastard children only want me for my money. Only a child who really loves me would form a midget union with Emmanuel Lewis and hijack my limo. That’s why I’d love to accept you as my own personal doppleganger.

Finlay: Take him. He was more over than me anyway.

Hornswaggle: Awesome! I can’t wait to abuse my powers by firing Shannon Moore!

Vince: Daffney? Whatever. Listen, to be successful as a personality in this company, you’re going to need a slutty valet. And I’ve got the sluttiest valet in the whole business lined up for you!

Hornswaggle: Dawn Marie?

Vince: Um…Second Sluttiest?

Hornswaggle: Oh! Melina!

Melina: I’m not really sure I appreciate any of that conversation.

Vince: Mick Foley must be so proud!

And then Hornswaggle does a running header right into her crotch.

Vince: Hooligan and Melina, everybody! The next great couple!

Coach: William Regal’s not at all conspicuous suspension ends next week, and I was just wondering if it wouldn’t be better just to promote me to full-time GM even after he does come back.

Vince: No. Now who wants pie?

John Cena runs out and starts throwing chairs at Coach and Vince until he is subdued by Local Indy Workers. Dude, you could’ve just said, “Yes, I’d like some pie.”

Vince: Looks like somebody is cranky. Well, I’m the only one who gets to be cranky around here. So, for your insubordination, I’m going to book you in a main event match tonight! Against yourself!

Cena: And if I lose?

Coach: John, if you’re fighting yourself, then of cou-

Vince: If you lose to yourself, then Coach here will get to decide which of you gets the WWE Title! Or maybe neither of you will get it.

Coach: Vince, that makes no-

Cena: You’re on! I’m going down! You hear me, John Cena?! I’m GOING DOWN!

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Lillian Garcia tried really hard to sell Holly’s return, but Milwaukee couldn’t care less. You had to bring him back in the South, idiots. Holly grabs a mic and says that Cody Rhodes is going to have to beat some respect out of him. Look out, Cody! He’s going to give you an arm infection! Or beat you in the face. One or the other. Cody goes up top and has to wait for twenty minutes for Holly to friggin’ turn around so he can miss the cross body. It’s pretty bad when the guy who’s had about ten matches so far on RAW looks more like a veteran than you, Sparky. After all that, Holly wins with an Alabama Slam. Clearly, I’m thrilled that he’s come to RAW.

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Stone Cold Steve Austin signed copies of the Condemned on DVD at some FYE. Were you there? If you were? For shame!

And now, for something completely different.

Randy Orton: Lannies and general men, it is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy! Josh Splenda, you must think you’re pretty cold, throwing turnswaggles and sailing your father! Well, I’m the one that’s pretty! Me! Pretty Randy Orton who is Pretty! And you’re going to find that out at WWG No Memory, when I take you on in a Laugh Man Stalling match. No Brody is better at stalling than Ranky Q. Morgan!

Tough Enough Jessie: Randy! You’re suspended! Get out of here!

Orton: Tanned Enough Jerry, Will you married me?

T.E. Jessie: No! WAAAAAAAH!

Santino Marella and Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) are standing in the ring. What ever could they be doing there?

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Santino Marella vs. Ron Simmons
For the Rights to Neep Maria

Hell, sign me up. I’d neep it…even after I know where it’s been. We could make her a title belt! Anyway, before either guy can get out their hot T-Shirt selling catchphrases, Santino bails. Dude, Ron Simmons hasn’t really wrestled for years at this point, and he’s probably still mourning the death of his best friend Mr. Peanuthead, so you could probably finally get a win here. Santino comes in, suffers some classic Ron Simmons “standin’ around offense” and bails again for the count out. Match of the Year.

Ron Simmons: This was not my best match.

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DIVA SEARCH 2007~!~! The brunette one was eliminated. No, not that one, the other one.

Melina is hanging out backstage.

Melina: How does he grow his beard like that?

Jillian Hall: Hey, yo. I don’t know how you can stand to date a midget.

Melina: Jillian, midgets are people too. Don’t hate.

Jillian: You’re right, Melina. I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here today.

Melina: Besides, I used to have sex with Batista.

Jillian: I think that’s illegal in seven states. Oh, and remember when you used to wear thigh high Christmas stockings with normal outfits? You’re not exactly the belle of the ball either.

Melina: Cram it, Rice Krispie face. Can you keep a secret?

Jillian: You mean me and this camera, broadcasting to millions of people around the world?

Melina: Yes.

Jillian: Yeah, ok.

Melina: I’m just doing this for a WWE Women’s title match.

Jillian: There’s only, like, seven of us to go around. Geez, you are a whore.

Elsewhere….

Lance Cade: Tag teams should have more respect around here! Who are the tag team champions? Let’s take them out!

Trevor Murdoch: Dude, we are the tag team champions.

Cade: See how I just did that? Awesome.

Rory McAllister: They finally let us off of Internet Heat!

Robbie McAllister: Now give us a tag team title shot!

Cade: I have no idea who you guys are.

Murdoch: I do, but I could’ve sworn you got fired, like, six months ago.

Rory: Check out my penis!

Robbie: Ach. Four hundred years of this crap.

Triple H vs. Vince McMahon and Carlito Caribbean Cool
In a Cage Match

See it doesn’t work if Hunter is already killing half the roster. Just putting Carlito in a cage doesn’t work. I guess putting him in there with Vince…Reinforces the point that Vince is a better wrestler than Trevor Murdoch? I guess I can live with that. Carlito distracts Hunter by waving his hair around, so Vince can escape, but Trips isn’t having any of that. That’s why you should never have agreed to the haircut, Carlito. I don’t care if your gel was causing wellness issues. Sadly, that’s all that has happened so far in this match. Let’s break for lunch.

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Everybody’s fighting on top of the cage, which is a pretty good spot for that. I wonder what would happen if Vince and Hunter both fell off into the ring and got hurt? Would Carlito finally win a match? Carlito manages to get a hold of HHH and lets Vince get over the top to win the match. I guess a win is a win, no matter how you get it, right? Triple H, flummoxed over his loss, hits Carlito with a Pedigree and then beats him until he bleeds. Well, I’m glad everybody’s got their priorities straight.

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Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Nobody ever says if this is a title match or not, so I’m just going to pretend it was. Did I just spoil the ending sort of? Sorry. Anyway, the story of the match is that Cade and Murdoch have London under control while Kendrick does backflips in the corner. Brian gets the hot tag and a Sliced Bread #2 on Murdoch, but the Highlanders run out and punt him for the OMG QUICKENING~! I mean…I guess they’re doing something. The Highlanders celebrate their nefarious deeds while Cody Rhodes seethes backstage.

Meanwhile, Melina is taking a shower. As all midgets are creepy stalkers (and if you don’t believe me, ask Dean Malenko), Hornswaggle stands outside watching her from underneath her towel. She grabs for the towel, sees Hornswaggle and freaks out, running naked through the backstage area. Sadly, she did not react to the fact that there was a camera practically up her ass in this scene.

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Vince is packing his luggage.

Jonathan Coachman: Boss! Where are you going?

Vince McMahon: I’ve worked enough hours tonight, Coach. I’m leaving early.

Coach: You’re not running from Triple H, are you?

Vince: Actually…I’ll be honest with you Coach…I’m going to get in line for Halo 3. I’ve got to find out how Master Chief’s fight ends.

Coach: Pick me up a copy of the one with the little helmet, would you?

Vince: No.

Santino Marella reviews The Condemned.

Santino Marella: It’s-a WWE Film-a! What-a more do you-a want me-a to say-a?

We now return you to Vince McMahon packing, already in progress.

Triple H: Trying to avoid me, Vince?

Vince: Hmm? Nah. I’m going to go get me a copy of the new Halo!

HHH: Oh, awesome! I’ll come. I’m going to get one of those ones with the little helmets. Hey, do you want to play against me on X-Box Live next week?

Vince: It beats working!

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Beth is bigger than Shelton. Ain’t no stoppin’ him from being tiny…NAH! Jeff Hardy runs around and hands out glowsticks because nothing says “Professional Wrestling” more than trying to start a rave. At least Jeff isn’t throwing glow in the dark paint at everything anymore. Remember when he’d cover half his opponent in paint? That was pretty cool. And probably unsanitary. Beth hits Shelton with a gavel, and Boobsie is still dancing to her music. Hey, I guess it is kind of like a rave. All eyes on ME ME ME ME ME!

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I really hate that theme music. Hate it so much I love it. Memememememememe! Somehow, the synthesis of teaming with Jeff Hardy has turned Boobsie into Matt Hardy, so she starts pointing at her head and yelling, “Yaaaaaah!” before she does anything. I wish that worked with Matt. MVP could come out with rainbow hair and blow spots. Kind of like Shelton! Wrestling really is an art form. Beth Phoenix, who is apparently still part of this match, hits Boobsie with the Not Guilty Suplex for the win. Me ME ME ME ME ME ME!

Backstage, Jonathan Coachman is with the…um…Press.

Jonathan Coachman: Ok, everybody! I forgot. Randy Orton was only suspended for this week. And only from wrestling. Not from interviews. It’s the Orton Exception Volume 2. Also, John Cena is about to be stripped of the WWE Title. Any questions.

Reporter: This isn’t even really news.

Reporter 2: Yeah! You told us that you were going to hand out a list of all the druggies on the roster.

Rob Van Dam: Duude! You Narc! My career is ruined!

Coach: You don’t even work here any more, Rob.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Reporter 3: I’m not even a real reporter!

Coach: Ugh! Where’s the guy from WWE Magazine?

Vince Russo: Screw you! And God Bless.

Save Us 222? What does that mean? Well…Either it’s Chris Jericho coming back to save us or…wait…2 + 2 + 2...Damien 666!!! Finally!

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Jonathan Coachman is in the ring with a bunch of Local Indy Workers.

Jonathan Coachman: Hello everyone! It’s me, the Coach. Tonight, in this very ring, John Cena will either give up the WWE Title or I will have these Local Indy Workers strip him of the title. So, John, why don’t you come out here and defend yourself.

John Cena comes to the ring.

John Cena: ….

Coach: What’s the matter, John? Aren’t you going to say something?

Cena: ….

Coach: So that’s it? No battle rap? No crying about your dad? No attempts to point out that we’d never blow your one year title reign on a guy who we can’t count on to keep his face out of hookers and blow for long enough to cut a promo about apples and orangutans?

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Lillian: And by order of Mr. McMahon, this is now a tables match for the WWE Title!

Coach: So that’s why there’s a table.

Jonathan Coachman vs. John Cena
In a Tables Match for the WWE Heavyweight Title

I have to say, Coach has definitely earned a title shot. He’s easily the fifth or sixth best wrestler on RAW right now. John Cena picks up Coach and tosses him through the table that was conveniently set up in the ring for no reason at all prior to this. Cena wins! That was a thrilling title defense. I just can’t wait until they do a Punjabi Table Match on a Pole at the next PPV. After that’s all over, the Mr. McMahon in question is revealed to be…None other than towel stealing Hornswaggle McMahon the Third! Everyone shares a laugh. Hijinx have ensued!

Vince Russo: SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Next Week: More hints for Damien 666’s big return. Plus, Hornswaggle’s feud with Jonathan Coachman continues when Coach and Jamie Knoble trap the poor guy inside keg. And the Highlanders heel turn is derailed by the fact that they don’t even get on RAW again for another six weeks.