Don’t even start, it’s better than Shane Douglas coming in to manage Haas and Benjamin or Saturn coming back to beat up jobbers with a mop. They clearly need some more people for their video games though. The roster on Smackdown vs. RAW this year is like…five guys. And two of them are Cryme Tyme. Anyway, Vince

Vince McMahon: It’s not Chris Jericho! Ok?! It’s Revelations 22:12, ok? “And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be.” I come quickly? Eh? Eh? Gimmick change for Val Venis, people. Geez. Anyway, if you watched No Mercy last night, which none of you did, you’d know that Randy Orton, despite being do hopped up on roids and goofballs that he’s been arrested, suspended and married about eleven times tonight. But, anyway, we put the Spinnin’ Title on him last night, and to celebrate, we’re going to have the entire roster come out here all at once and fall over so Orton can start off his title reign with fifty wins.

Triple H: That’s a bunch of crap. I’ve never taken…er…been caught taking steroids or goofballs, and I can’t win the title but one time last night? Geez. I refuse to fall over for your paper champion.

Vince: Unless….

HHH: Unless I pop a quad on the way to the ring. Yeah yeah.

Vince: You all are in luck though, because the next Pay Per View is WWE Cyber Sunday, the show where I take the night off to go into cybersex chat rooms and I let the fans book the show! Which means you get whatever you want! Except Chris Jericho!

Crowd: Groan.

Vince: Or pretty much anything else. You do get to pick what outfits the girls wear though.

Crowd: Yay!

HHH: Hey, you know, it just dawned on me that nobody gives a crap about Cyber Sunday. So how about I just get a rematch against Randy Orton?

Vince: How about you get a rematch against both Randy Orton and Totally Not Jamal?

HHH: Um…I don’t think you’re clear on the concept of a rematch.

Vince: That and I’ve got to cover up the fact that Randy can’t run this show by himself.

HHH: Touche.

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The girls team is all in pink to support either Bret Hart or breast cancer awareness. Boobsie, however, takes the moment to make Maria and Alexis her backup dancers. All eyes on Me! MEMEMEMEMEME! Beth Phoenix, by the way, is the new WWE Women’s Champion and a Glamazon, if you hadn’t heard. I guess she’s got to pimp her new game somehow. Beth Phoenix, Trials and Tribulations available soon, folks! Get it at the Shopzone! Or whatever they’re calling it now. Boobsie rolls up Jillian for the win. That’s the whole division, right? All eyes on MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!

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Backstage, William Regal puts things on the wall. Woah, has anybody else noticed how haggard he looks since his suspension? I mean…vacation? Dude looks like a vampire that’s spent a few too many hours in the crypt.

William Regal: Well, I’m feeling just fine.

Jonathan Coachman: I’m sure it’s just that awful haircut. Look, I’m fine with you being the general manager again. I’ll happily go back to being a sexretary. But why are you putting up those pictures? Nobody believes you have the same office at every building that we go to, or that you’re the one that actually dresses the set. And what’s with all the gay British Icons? Madame? Elton John? George Michael? Di?!

Regal: That’s not Madame. That’s The Queen.

Coach: That’s Freddie Mercury? See?! Are you trying to tell us something, Mr. Regal?

Vince: That he has somewhat questionable taste in music. Now where’s my dear son, Hockeypuck?

Regal: He’s taking a nap in the closet.

Vince: Hoolahhoop, come out of the closet!

Coach: I think that William Re-

Regal and Vince: SHUT UP!

Vince: Well, when he wakes up, come get me, ok?

Regal: Of course, sir.

Vince leaves.

Regal: I have no idea where the hell Hoopdreams is. I got so worked up about the garlic toast at catering I lost the little bugger. Coach, go find him?

Coach: Why me?!

Regal: I’m frankly too gaunt to appear in too many segments tonight.

Regal: Fiiiiiiiine.

Here’s some clips from previous WWE Fan Vote Shows. Taboo Tuesday is still an awful name for a PPV.

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Val’s new gimmick is apparently “making occasional jobber appearances on RAW.” Steppin’ back up the food chain, Val! This of course stems from last week’s guest appearance on “At the Movies with Santino” where Val took exception to the fact that Santino insulted Steve Austin, whose look Val is trying to cash in on. Santino’s on the mic. That never ends well.

Santino Marella: It’s-a me! Santino-a! I understand-a Lillian Garcia-a will be performing-a some junk off-a her new CD-a! As a result-a, I don’t-a feel appropriate-a adding any actual-a wrestling content-a to the show tonight-a! So, in lieu-a of a match-a with me-a, tonight, Val-a Venis will be wrestling-a somebody who doesn’t-a know how-a!

I like that they held off on Abe’s reappearance. “What, drug suspension? Abe? Surely you jest!” I do like the mantra of the show tonight which is, “How much time can we waste before we’ve actually got to pull out another match? And of course, this doesn’t even count. They might as well have put the Highlanders out here for all the good a Val Venis/Abe Orton match does. Sigh, I suppose it’s my duty as a recapped to give you an account of the match though, eh? Ok, so…wait…The match is over. I guess I could rewind, but screw it. Abe wins.

Evander Holyfield is going to box some Russian dude on PPV. Why should you care? Because he’s not wrestling.

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Here’s the new Save_Us video. And…It’s coming up Revelations again.

Revelations…Revelations. If something is revealed to you, it’s shown or demonstrated. One individual in charge of revelations might be a teacher. It’s not Matt Striker. So it has to be…DEAN DOUGLAS! OH MY GOD! He’s coming to manage the World’s Greatest Tag Team after all!

John Cena has a special message for WWE Fans.

John Cena: Yo, Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO! YO!!

John Cena got hurt,
Fighting Mr. Kennedy,
My pec tore in half,
While I was beating my enemy!

Randy Orton got the belt,
Twice in one night,
I would’ve taken him on Pay Per View,
It wouldn’t have been a fight.

But it was not meant to be,
I suffered from a tragic pec tear,
Just remember one thing, fans!
THE CHAMP IS…um…THERE!

And sure enough, here’s Randy Orton. Good intro, John.

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What, they haven’t had time to come up with a new belt yet? I guess it makes sense that Randy would be fascinated by the idea of a spinning title though. Not Jamal bails to find something to chew on, and so Hunter takes advantage and starts beating on Orton. That’s stopped with a CHINLOCK~! however, and Hunter has to get outside to catch his breath. With Not Jamal and Hunter both temporarily eliminated from the match-up, Orton takes the time to pose. When Hunter gets back into the ring, his ribs are so hurt that he can’t help but fall over. Orton wins! But wait! No! It seems that Not Jamal was counted out first. Triple H wins! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Not Jamal is so depressed that he just hit’s the Thumb to the Eye on HHH and shuffles away. Poor Not Jamal. WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. Yukio Hatori runs out to help Triple H to the back, but Hunter isn’t having it. So he pulls himself up, takes three steps forward, and pops a quad. Orton wins!

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Backstage….

WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. Yukio Hatori: Hunter, I’m afraid you may have broken ribs. That’s why I’m suggesting these Chili’s Baby Back Ribs as part of your treatment.

Triple H: Where the hell did you get your medical degree? I popped my quad again out there, my ribs are fine!

Hatori: Shut up or it’s back to having Boogeyman drool on you as treatment.

HHH: Well…I have to admit, some Kansas City style ribs-

Vince McMahon: Triple H! What Not Jamal and Randy Orton did or did not do out there is completely irrelevant. Tonight, you’re going to shake Randy Orton’s hand and you’re going to like it, dammit!

HHH: I have to admit, he’s got some really nice hands.

Vince: You’re not doing this right!

HHH: What? I can’t appreciate my mortal enemy’s positive traits?

Vince: No!

The Highlanders are in their Dark Quickening gear. What heel did they have to behead to get that anyway? I’m kind of hoping Cody Rhodes doesn’t figure it out. London and Kendrick flip around for a while, while the Highlanders reminisce about the time they saw acrobats in Medieval France. You would think that the team that held the tag titles for almost a year could beat the tag team that held the record for most times losing a handicap match to Abe Orton on Internet Heat, but alas, The Highlanders win. After the match, London and Kendrick hold each other for support. Well, that’s nice.

DIVA SEARCH 2007~!: The ladies apparently know words. When the hell did J. Kim get eliminated? Now I’ll never know what the J stands for.

Backstage again….

Jonathan Coachman: Have you seen Hulkhogan?

Tough Enough Jessie: Hulk Hogan? The host of American Gladiators?

Coach: No! Vince McMahon’s midget son!

T.E. Jessie: Hornswaggle! His name is Hornswaggle!!

Coach: You’re no help!

T.E. Jessie: I am too! WAAAAAAH!

Coach: Cody Rhodes! There you are! I was wondering, have you seen Hornetsnest?

Cody Rhodes: If I say yes, will that turn me heel?

Coach: No.

Rhodes: Then no, I haven’t. Hahahaha, HEEL TURN~!

Coach: It doesn’t work like that.

Rhodes: Awww.

William Regal: Am I any less disheveled looking than I was earlier tonight?

Coach: Not really, no.

Regal: Have you found that nasty blighter Hotep yet?

Coach: I’m working on it, I’m working on it.

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Lillian Garcia rocks out with her band. Sort of. I’m going to start off admitting that my knowledge of Spanish comes almost entirely from Taco Bell, Lucha Libre, and late night Univisioin, so I have no idea what she’s talking about until she gets to the verse about the wrestler with huge boobs who wants a gordita. I will say that her performance is…sort of uninspiring. Just like the last time she had a CD out. Best of luck though, Lillian! The fun and games are interrupted by Santino Marella.

Santino Marella: I’m-a here to sing-a you a song-a!

They try-a to make-a wrestle,
But I’m-a like, this-a is the WWE-a!
What, you-a think that
Just-a because I walk-a around
Wearing-a nothing but underwear-a
That I’m-a some kind-a of a wrestler?

No No-a No!
Noah built-a the Ark-a!

Is “Rehab” the best song to be parodying when the guy was almost suspended for steroid use? Has Amy Winehouse imploded into a cloud of meth yet? And who is behind the strange videos appearing on WWE TV? Find out the answers to these and more questions right after these….

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No, Yes, and Survivor Ashley.

This match is not for the WWE Intercontinental Title, because Ken Kennedy is a no good loser. And he’s got the mic.

Ken Kennedy: I know that I haven’t won many matches lately, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still popular. Right? RIGHT!

I think Jeff and MVP should have a volcano building contest. That would be really fantastic television. Especially if they show the whole thing in real time. So this is the battle of the “Guys Who Land on Their Backs on Top of Other Guys,” otherwise known as the Pat Patterson Invitational.

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Whew. Too much wrestling action. I needed that break. And before you get started, TNA opened its two hour show last week with Goldust vs. Rhyno, so don’t even go there. The half of the crowd that really hated John Cena has taken up for Kennedy, while the tweens with glowsticks shoved up their nostrils are cheering for Hardy. Nice to see such a good dichotomy of people in Michigan. If he were alive today, Rob Van Dam would be proud. Jeff rolls up Kennedy for the win, marking the 581st time that finish has been used on RAW this year. A new record!

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Ok, where’s Hillman?

William Regal: Still trapped in the closet, I’m afraid.

Jonathan Coachman: Just like Will-

Regal and Vince: SHUT UP, COACH!

Vince: You’re not covering up for the fact that you lost him like a lame 70s sitcom plot, are you?

Regal: I don’t watch “sitcoms,” I watch “Britcoms” so I haven’t the foggiest what you’re going on about. Bangers and mash.

Coach: Guys, I’ve been dying to ask you something all night. Does this pimp cane make me look more professional?

Vince: Actually, it kind of does.

Regal: You’re the modern day Jimmy Jacobs/

Vince: Who?

Hornswaggle: I was hiding under this box all night! Solid Snake-style! Nobody found me!

Vince: Yeah, nobody cares any more.

Then Hornswaggle grabs Coach’s pimp cane and takes out a security guard.

The Entire RAW Roster is out on the stage. Why couldn’t they have done that earlier?

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In the ring….

Vince McMahon: It’s my pleasure to introduce you to the new WWE Spinnin’ Champion! Randy Orton!

Randy Orton: Thank you, Vance. It’s an horror and a pledger to know that I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, have the disinfection of wearing the WTG Slamin’ Chocolate Chip! As champagne-

Vince: Maybe you shouldn’t talk. Ever. But before we get started on having everybody shake his hand, I’d like a very special superstar to come down here and do it first. Triple H!

But wait…That’s not Triple H prancing to the ring! It’s Shawn Michaels and…Oh God. I…Wow. Check out HBK’s outfit:

-A scruffy beard
-A hunting vest
-One of Whyspyr’s spaghetti-string tank tops
-Tight jeans
-Cowboy boots

Folks, we just found the missing Village Person. Anyway, Shawn comes down to the ring, punches Randy, loads up, and gets the SUPERKICK TO ORTON~! Shawn is prancing around! Vince McMahon is stunned! Carlito has never looked so bored in his life! OMG CHARLIE HAAS~!

Next Week: The Highlanders get tricked into a face turn by Joe Dawson. Shawn Michaels comes to the ring in a bright pink jumpsuit. Oh, and did you hear?! CODY RHODES/BOB HOLLY III! That’ll make you watch for sure. Right?