Randy Orton is on his way to the ring for a good old fashioned contract signing. What, this isn’t the main event? Ooooh! There’s an arm wrestling contest tonight too. We’ve got to set our priorities here. Orton has a mic. I’m not sure who’s priority list this was on.
 

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YOOOOOOOO!

Signing the contract,
John Cena is the best,
My signiture is perfect,
Better than the rest!

Sure my Patriots lost,
West Blueberry Represent!
Offensive line was weak,
Tom Brady just looked spent!

But none of that affects Cena,
No Way Out! Full Throttle!
I’m only fighting Orton,
Not Dating a Brazilian Model!

Giving up my Wrestlemania,
For Some other Pay Per View!
Some would say I’m stupid,
But I’m not as dumb as you.

Spinnin’ Title coming back,
I’m on a whole ‘nother tier,
Orton you should already know,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

Cena signs the contract.

Randy Orton: Haha! You spellered your name wrongly Mr. Seenya! This contact is null and Noid! Now you’ll never get you are Wigglestralia Tickle Match!

Mark Henry comes running out to ask what, if anything, about a Arm Wrestling Contest justifies his one-night transfer from Smackdown (well, not in so many words). While Cena tries to explain things, he leans too far over the ropes, loses his footing and falls over. Orton Wins! RANDY ORTON IS GOING TO NO WAY OUT! Well…so is Cena, actually, but still….

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Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Randy! Mark! Will you guys sign my internet petition to get Mike Adamle fired? I mean…he doesn’t even know the names of anybody on this frigging show! He can’t be the announcer guy!

Randy Orton: Toddster Willhelm, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, will be happy to scion your Internment Patrician. I too am wormied about Mitt Allenby and his reign of Tara on the names of the great Supper Scars of the VVVVE. And I’m sure my breast fiend Mars Helmsley will also scion.

Mark Henry: Get up off mah stank, boy!

Todd Grisham: I knew I should never have asked you two. Why did I even bother? You especially, Orton! You’re just as bad as he is!

Orton: That’s the spigot, Toddster! Fight the powder!

And with that bit of advice, Todd Grisham runs full force at Mark Henry and succumbs to his stank. Todd Grisham has fallen.

OBJECTION! Two of these people aren’t even on this show. Actually, it doesn’t bother me so much when it’s just the girls. Plus Kelly Kelly Kelly is totally hot. For me. Totally hot for me. It’s embarrassing. She wouldn’t make a very good title though, so I’m not sure how I feel about that. Alexis pins Victoria and starts celebrating like she just won the Spinnin’ Title. Settle down! It’s just Victoria! I guess she’s got one more win this week than the Patriots though, huh?

Backstage….

William Regal: Come on. Everybody has to kiss Vince’s ass eventually, Horacegrant.

Hornswoggle: Yeah, but not, like, literally.

Regal: Really?

Hornswoggle: Really.

Regal: No?

Hornswoggle: No.

Regal: Oh my God! What else didn’t I have to do?

Hornswoggle: You know the thing with the tea? Nobody could tell if there was real pee in it or not.

Regal: *gasp*

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Shawn Michaels has pranced his way to the ring. Mayhaps he has some insight into the Elimidate Chamber coming up?

Shawn Michaels: As a goodly Christian man, I can’t really convince myself that it’s a great, you know, idea, necessarily, that I would want to win a date with Michelle McCool. Lovely girl, really, but she’s no Whyspyr, you know what I mean? But, I guess I haven’t won anything in a really long time, so I’m about due for a shot at Randy Orton and the Spinnin’ Title at one of the *big* Pay Per Views…which is Backlash now, apparently.

Chris Jericho: You haven’t won anything in a while? I haven’t won anything in damn near six years! I’ve barely won any matches since I came back! If anybody’s due for a big win, it’s me. And even though I’ve been exposed as a big wife and kids having sissy, I still think I deserve a date with Michelle McCool. And that’s what the Elimidate Chamber is all about! Besides, I have a competitive advantage! Nobody’s won or been in more Elimidate Chambers than me!

Shawn: Umm…how many Elimidate Chambers have you been in?

Jericho: Three!

Shawn: That’s funny! Me too! And I was the referee for one too! And how many have you won?

Jericho: Does the Playstation game version count?

Shawn: No.

Jericho: Zero.

Shawn: Well gee, I’ve won let’s see here…One! Which means that I have both been in and won more than you.

Jericho: All the more reason I should win!

Jeff Hardy: Maybe I SHOULD WIN THE MATCH!

Shawn: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Jericho: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Shawn: Seriously, though. No.

Jeff: Why not?

Jericho: Dude, look, you’re just in there to get beat up for a while, thrown off something, and then be the first one pinned.

Jeff: I’m tired of that! When’s my friggin’ push going to come?

Jericho: Hey, you’re preaching to the choir here, buckaroo.

John Bradshaw Leyfield: What’s goin’ on out here guys? Interview segment! Hell yeah! I can still actually do these! Wait…what’s the interview topic?

Jericho: We’re trying to hype ourselves up to win the Elimidate Chamber without being too excited to date Michelle McCool.

JBL: The Next Mrs. Leyfield!

Jeff: I’m…I’m actually pretty pumped about that stipulation, actually.

JBL: You’re not winning though.

Shawn: Neither are you, fatty.

JBL: Ah! But I have a secret! I’ve paid off Totally Not Jamal to help me win the match!

Totally Not Jamal: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

JBL: Oh, come on! Don’t eat it! That’s a hundred dollar bill! Geez. They have money in Deepest Darkest Samoa, don’t they?

Abe Orton: ‘Sup guys?

Jericho: What is this, Smackdown? You have even less reason to be in this match than Hardy!

Jeff: Hey!

Abe: Yeah, um, Hunter is kind of…taking a “siesta,” I guess. So they needed me to flesh out the segment. So here I am.

Meanwhile, in Arizona….

Triple H: Free baby with your Super Bowl ticket purchase! Who wants a baby?

Kevin Nash: Uh…Hunter, the Super Bowl’s been over for, like, a day now. I don’t think anybody’s going to buy those tickets.

HHH: Damn. Free baby with your purchase of a 19-0 T-Shirt! Celebrate the Patriot’s victory with this lovely garment and baby combo!

Nash: Did you even watch the game, man?

HHH: I was out here all night trying to sell these tickets? What do you think?

Scott Hall: Hey yo, mang, can we take this baby to the bar? I’m getting thirsty out here.

Nash: Yeah, sure! I know a great baby friendly bar down there.

Hall: Down where?

Nash: DOWN THERE!!

Hall: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

HHH: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nash: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: ….

In the arena….

Abe: So you see, that’s why I deserve to be in this match.

Shawn: Oh. I see.

JBL: Good points!

William Regal: So it’s official! A six man tag team match tonight between the six of you!

And then everybody punches each other at once.

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Super Crazy, sadly, gets the “Already in the Ring” treatment. What ever happened to his tag team with Jim Duggan anyway? Wait…don’t answer that. I don’t care. Ok. I totally do. But don’t tell anybody. Remember when this match-up essentially derailed Kennedy’s second push and he ended up jobbing to Matt Hardy for no reason at all? Let’s hope that doesn’t happen again tonight! Well, it won’t even have time to, because Kennedy already beat Super Crazy with, what I can only describe as “Super Crazy sitting on Kennedy’s Legs and then Tapping out.” Awesome. Make that his finisher.

Ken Kennedy: You may have seen that last night on Smackdown MVP beat the crap out of Ric Flair’s knee. I say last night because, if you’re anything like me, you watched Smackdown last night instead of sitting through that God awful Tom Petty half time show. I mean…don’t get me wrong, I love “Free Fallin’” as much as the next guy, but how’s that supposed to get me excited about the second half again? Yawn. I also would’ve accepted that you were too busy watching Puppy Bowl to have seen Smackdown. Those puppies are adorable.

ADORABLE!

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Mike Adamle is at ringside.

Mike Adamle: So at the end of three rounds, it’s Chris Jethro in the lead by 5 over Jeff Harvey! As we prepare for the exciting Eliminator at WWE No Way! Get Out! who do you like to win, Emeril?

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Huh? Are you talking to me?

Adamle: Yes! TV’s Emeril! Who do you like to win The Eliminator?

Hatori: Is Hyruletriforce in that one?

Adamle: Yes! Probably!

Hatori: Oh. Him then.

Adamle: And how about that exciting Most Valuable Porker vs. “The Natural Boy” Ron Fleur match yesterday, huh? Dare I say best episode of Sunday Night Dance Train ever?

Hatori: Do you even watch the other shows?

Adamle: I don’t even watch this one! Now, I’m going to send it over to my broadcast partners Good Ol’ Reliable Jed R. and Jimmy The Wrong Lawyer!

Yay! Paul London is back! From wherever guys you don’t care about go to when they’re off the show for three months! Wait…was he on Internet Heat all this time? Anyway, he’s back and he’s sans beard which means that he looks even more like Christian Bale really let himself go. Speaking of which, since Mark Henry is on this show, is this the right time to petition for Kendrick to change his name to “Stanky?” No? Ok. How about for the writing staff to remember that Survivor Ashley used to manage London and Kendrick and she’s currently feuding with Santino. No? Geez. I’d be pissed off, but I’m too distracted by the fact that Maria’s wearing a random ring of tape on one of her legs. Why?! What purpose does it serve. Oops, I already missed Carlito pinning Stanky. Welcome back, Paul!

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Do you suppose getting an ass buff is a little overboard? I mean…I guess it kind of is. Whatever I can do to see my own anal cavity in HD, you know? Right? I mean, it’s what any red blooded American would do given the chance. Say, you did say you were a professional, didn’t you?

WWE Chief Ass Buffer Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Ass Buffer Dr. The Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ to BUFF YOOOOOU!

Vince: I really, really, really should’ve hired Billy Gunn back for this segment. Or Michael Buffer. Say, do you have any ass cream?

The Boogeyman: Yes! I stole it out of Jericho’s bag.

Vince: Go ahead and rub some of that in there. Wait…That’s not mashed up chicken hearts in that bucket is it?

The Boogeyman: Um…No.

Vince: Ok. Lay it on me then.

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Vince is out for another one of the lovely “Kiss My Ass Segments.” Will Hornswoggle actually kiss his ass? Let’s find out! Or you can go back and watch your TiVo’d copy of the Puppy Bowl. Either way, I’m down.

Vince McMahon: You know what the worst thing about America today is? Parents don’t make their children kiss their ass any more. I’m not talking about a Father’s day card or some candy for mom here, I’m talking about literal child abuse charge raising, sexual assault arrest ass kissing here. Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s still legal in Alabama. I’ll have to check with Bob Holly later. Anyway, with that in mind, and the fact that he’s absolutely the perfect height to make this segment work, I’ve decided to bring out my midget son Huckabee to kiss my ass tonight. In HD!

Hornswoggle: You know, dad, I could sue you for this one.

Vince: What money do you have?

Hornswoggle: Yours?

Vince: Guess again!

Hornswoggle: My…er…pot of gold?

Vince: Damn! Ok…Come on. Just do it once and then I’ll let you go back to looking up girl’s skirts and beating Jamie Noble.

Hornswoggle: Promise?

Vince: Absolutely.

Dave Finlay: What’s all this then? You can’t just cave to each other’s every whim! This segment has to end in blood! Somebody’s got to tear somebody else’s knee off or something!

Vince: Does it make you feel any better to know that Horcrux here is about to take a big lick of chicken hearts?

Finlay: A little, yeah.

Vince: You want a taste?

Finlay: Honestly, it wouldn’t be the same as licking chicken heart mush off me dear mother’s arse when I was a wee little one.

Vince: And that’s about as much Irish as we can work into one sentence.

Finlay: Faith and begorah I’m going to take me wee leprechaun and my shillelagh to the Blarney Stone to get a Shamrock Shake and some Guinness before we eat a bowl of Lucky Charms out of our pot of gold!

Vince: I stand corrected.

All this talking has made Hornswoggle so hungry that he takes a big bite out of Vince’s chicken heart mushy ass. Then he and Finlay do the Riverdance backstage.

Vince: I don’t even know what the hell that last segment was all about. All I know is that midgets biting people on the ass is the very definition of high wrestling comedy. So I’m booking myself in a match against Hayleywilliams next week. And it’ll be Extreme Rules which means ass biting will be allowed! Oh, and I’m totally banning Finlay from RAW because that pinstriped pleather coat was kind of freaking me out.

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Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade vs. Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Murdoch is wrestling in his bathrobe, which is a good new look for him. Hey! This match is brother vs. brother! I wonder why Murdoch didn’t bring his pet rat to the ring. I should probably mention that, like Paul London, Lance Cade is making his return tonight. And I totally would mention that if I would remember it. Wait…Cody and Holly are the tag team champions? Still? Wow. Anyway, the story of the match is that Cody is making fun of Murdoch’s new coat in the hopes that the people of Texas will hate him for it, but they’re all out taking a pee break, so they miss it. Cody wins after a DDT.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Hey, Cody! Holly! Guess who are the number one contenders for the WWE Tag Team Titles? The coolest tag team around-

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): Ooh! The Highlanders?

Santino Marella: No! It’s-a us! Santino-a and Carlito-a! And we’ve-a got a better-a chance of winning-a our match-a at No-a Way Out-a than Maria-a here does-a of posing in-a the Playboy-a!

Carlito: Would you quit trying to shoehorn your angles into my segments, dude?

Santino: Sorry-a! It just-a slipped out-a.

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The Divas are going to be on Project Runway apparently. I’ve never seen the show, but woe to whoever got stuck with Torrie Wilson.

And now, Jeff Hardy, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Jericho are wandering out to the ring. Good segment, guys!

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Hunter is obviously absent because that would mean WWE would have to admit that he’s actually a heel. I’d go for replacing him in the Elimidate Chamber with Abe just because. Actually, that’d be a pretty awesome date for Michelle McCool. She and Abe can bond over how horrible their repackagings have been. JBL is smartly attempting to stay out of the match as much as possible, and napping in between tags. Anyway, everybody jumps outside the ring and goes for a drink.

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And we’re back. Jericho’s drink has an umbrella in it which is pretty much exactly what I expected. No word yet on whether anybody fruited their beer, but I’m sure Rick is on the lookout. Everybody runs through their finishers (Jericho’s Codebreaker, Totally Not Jamal’s Thumb to the Eye, Shawn’s Super Kick, Abe Kills a Baby, JBL Takes a Nap), but it’s Jeff Hardy’s Twist of Fate, which isn’t even his move really, which wins the match over Abe. Well…Huh. I guess the Jeff Hardy push is still on life support? Anyway, I guess Abe’s not going to be in the Elimidate Chamber.

Backstage, John Cena is looking for some lemon for his booze.

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Returning to RAW? Boobsie McTitsalot! When? Who cares! All eyes on Memememememememememe!

Mark Henry vs. John Cena
In an Arm Wrestling Contest

Mark claims Cena’s hands are sweaty, but that’s just because he’s nervous. This is the biggest main event he’s been in all year. Then he punches Cena in the shoulder, which I’m pretty sure is allowed by the official Arm Wrestling Rules of America. How come Vince hasn’t started an Arm Wrestling Federation yet? He could make Piper the spokesman! Mark starts out with the lead, but the Cena starts pushing him down. Wait…Isn’t Mark’s only gimmick that he’s “The World’s Strongest Man?” Sigh…Anywhoozle, none of this matters, because Randy Orton comes out to ask everybody what “The Interscope” is, and Cena uses the distraction to throw Mark Henry into a vat of lemon slices. NOOooooo! Not his Stank!!

Next Week: John Cena continues his mission of cleaning up the WWE locker room, when he takes CM Punk in for a shampoo. Triple H finally makes it to the arena only to find out that everybody else already had a match. And Boobsie Returns. Or Maybe not. All eyes on MeMemememememememememememe!