Jerry Lawler: I guess you could say he’s a real “slobberknocker,” huh, J.R.?

Ross: No, King, I don’t believe I’d go there.

Lawler: PUPPIES!
 

Oops, sorry. I got the last five minutes of the Dog Show on here. Remember when they used to postpone RAW for this? Heh.

(Opening Credits)

Vince and Hornswoggle lock up to start. Headbutt him in the knees, Horny! That’s his weak spot. I don’t know if it’s worse that I recap a guy nicknamed Spanky or one nicknamed Horny every week. Well, I guess Kendrick isn’t on every week. Vince gets ready to flog the midget, and Finlay runs out.

Fit Finlay: Vince! Vince! What are you doing?! You can’t…you know…”flog the midget” on TV.

Vince McMahon: No, no, no. I was going to literally flog this midget here. With a cat ‘o’ nine tails and everything. You know, smack Honeybuns here around a little bit.

Finlay: Oh! Boy is my face red! And it’s not just because I’m totally wasted either.

Vince: What the hell kind of stupid idea for a match was this anyway? And didn’t I tell you that you weren’t allowed in the arena last week?

Finlay: This match was taped last week.

Vince: Woah, woah, woah, wait a minute. It’s this week right now.

Hornswoggle: Nope. It’s actually last week.

Vince: Oh, my God! We’re all trapped in a paradox! And now we’re going to die! Everybody get out! Get Out! Get Out! HEEEEEEEEL-

Then Finlay hits him in the face with a sheleliegh and Hornswoggle dives ontop of Vince for the pin. Hornswoggle wins! HORNSWOGGLE IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

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Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Did you know it’s last week?

William Regal: What?! That’s preposterous. How can it possibly be last week when it’s most clearly this week?

Vince: My ears are swelling just thinking about it. This is like the ending to Terminator 2.

Regal: I wouldn’t remind people of that, Vince. Terminator is on FOX right now.

Vince: I’m missing Terminator right now? What?! Why didn’t anybody tell me?

Regal: I wouldn’t worry too much about it. It is last week’s episode after all.

Vince: Ugh…now my head hurts. Go get me some Advil. And the head of Dave Finlay!

JBL and Jericho are, of course, part of the Elimidate Chamber, though only JBL really wants that date with Michelle McCool. Jericho goes for the Walls, but JBL’s too fat, so he just rolls out of it. Kudos for the nothing but Mall Pretzel Diet, John. You’d think a guy as rich as he is would be able to pay somebody to get rid of that gut for him. Either way, I’m pretty sure he’s not doing it right. Bradshaw is able to kick Jericho in the face though, and then he crawls into the corner to curl up with a tub of popcorn and a vat of nacho cheez.

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JBL and Y2J are taking turns dipping turkey legs into the cheese sauce. I just realized that Jericho’s wearing his Matrix Pants that I hate. So either he’s doing a better job of covering them up, or I’m thrown by this time warp thing too. How the hell did JBL get fatter in one night anyway? That’s ridiculous. JBL goes for the Scott Hall Fallaway Slam, but he doesn’t have the energy to fall over backwards, so Jericho DDTs him instead. Jericho wins! After the match, Totally Not Jamal comes out and pokes them both in the eye. He doesn’t play favorites! Not Jamal is for realz, yo.

(ads)

Mike Adamle is at ringside.

Mike Adamle: Don’t forget folks, the Eliminator is coming up this Sunday at WWE No Way! Get Out! Who will be able to traverse the daunting Travelator and become the Next American Gladiator?

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Don’t say “This Sunday.” People will get confused. This Sunday is the Grammys and Pro Bowl. Next Sunday is the PPV.

Adamle: Actually, Emeril, this Sunday is indeed WWE No Way! Get Out! And you’ll get to see matches like John Seau taking on Ranky Q. Morgan, and C Them Prick going one on one with the legendary Chaco Guerraco. Only on PPV!

Hatori: No it’s not. This is last week.

Adamle: Then how do I know that Adrian Peterson was the MVP of the Pro Bowl or that Paramore will get robbed of the “Best New Artist” Grammy by a cracked-out Amy Winehouse?

Hatori: You don’t know any of that. It’s all wild speculation.

Adamle: Right you are, Emeril! And now back to the future for our next segment here in Gladiator Arena!

Backstage, in the McOffice….

Vince McMahon: William, I want you to get the writers in here right now. Have them explain this whole thing away.

William Regal: I’m afraid I cant, Mr. McMahon. The writers are on strike, you see.

Vince: No they’re not! They ended the strike. It’s all over the news.

Regal: I’m afraid that was next week, Mr. McMahon. But this is last week, and they’re still on strike then. Er…now.

Vince: Go fire Tough Enough Jessie over this! This week swapping is absolutely unacceptable. No wonder the CW cancelled Smackdown!

Tough Enough Jessie: They haven’t cancelled it yet! WAAAAAAH!

Vince: And next week, I want to beat up my midget son again. So put us in a cage so I can throw him off of the sides for a while.

Regal: By next week, do you mean this week? Or next week, which should, in fact, be this week? Or do you mean in two weeks, which may be next week?

Vince: SHUT UP!

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The WWE would like to remind you that drugs, steroids, and cheating are no way to achieve your life’s ambitions. Unless of course, you’re Amy Winehouse. Or Triple H. Or Chris Benoit. Or pretty much everybody that’s ever achieved anything, really. Thanks a lot, assholes.

Hey! Look everybody! Paul Burchill is back! (Who?)

Paul Burchill: Oi! Remember me? I’m Paul Burchill. I used to hang around with William Regal, then I became a Pirate, and then I almost got fired. Now I’m back, and wearing a glove on one hand to pay homage to my piratey ancestry. Yar!

Katie Lea Burchill: And I’m his step sister, Katie Lea “British Lita” Burchill. I’m totally hot for my brother because Stephanie forced Vince to watch Cruel Intentions last weekend.

Paul: By last weekend, do you mean last weekend, or two weekends ago?

Katie: Shut up. Let’s make out.

And so they do. Ewwwwwww!

Despite actually being there, Paul London isn’t out there right now. I don’t think he’s 100%, ya’lls. It is kind of funny that, on a night where I make a crack about Kendrick never wrestling on RAW, he’s wrestling on RAW. Guess I should’ve read the spoilers. But then I would’ve been spoiled as per the incest, and that’s something you don’t want spoiled. Nothing beats surprise incest on a wrestling show. Just ask Mark Henry! Anyway, Paul Burchill Rolls the Dice, and also hits a spinning neck breaker for the win. According to Jim Ross, “That’s his move!” Somewhere, Tony Schiavone is smiling from on high.

Backstage, John Cena is wandering around. No doubt looking for some ‘roids and drugs to help him achieve his goals.

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Randy Orton is at the announce table and seems to be the only one perfectly at ease with the fact that this show is taking place one week in the past. Actually, I don’t think Mark Henry is too bothered by it either, actually. His beard has gotten awesome. He needs to go back to last segment and hang out with Burchill and his sister. They’ll be best of friends, I just know it! The guys punch at each other for a while, and then Cena locks in the STFU. Henry taps out because he needs to save up his energy for when he goes back to Smackdown or ECW or wherever it is he’s hanging out these days.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO YO YO YO YOOOOO! YOOOOOO!

John Cena is rappin’,
He ain’t out of breath,
Beating Mark Henry,
Easier than buying Meth!

I’m back, Randy Orton!
One Hundred Percent!
I don’t need to do drugs,
Gave them up for Lent!

I’m coming at No Way Out,
To take back my title!
Make it so it Spins again,
The feature most vital!

I know it may be last week,
But next week is coming near,
So get ready Randy Orton,
Because THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Orton applauds Cena’s vocal masterwork.

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Ken Kennedy is in the ring.

Ken Kennedy: You know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’m a complete and total idiot for opting out of the Elimidate Chamber last week. I totally could’ve used a date with Michelle McCool to up my rating around here. Now I’m lagging behind Chuck Palumbo and Jamie Noble! Egh! But I guess I’ll just have to settle for being the guy that attempts and fails to end Ric Flair’s career this month. Sigh. My life is a joke.

Ric Flair: Your life is a joke? Your life is a joke? I’m the NATURE BOY! WOO! Stylin’ and profilin’ all over the ring! But what do I get? What does a 16 Time WOO! Heavyweight By God Champion get? No mic time and a handful of segments every week to sell the fact that I might not even be on the show next week!

Kennedy: Well, to be fair, you’re on the show last week right now.

Flair: Wait…what?

Kennedy: It’s some sort of time space paradox that’s warping the reality around Monday Night RAW.

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ! As for me? No way I’m losing before Wrestlemania! So you know what that means?

Kennedy: I’m going to lose. Sigh.

So Kennedy kicks Flair in the knee. You know, I never realized how short Kennedy was until I saw that he’s roughly the same size as Flair. Weird.

Kennedy: Sigh!

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Maria has her boobs pushed way up to her ears in this outfit. I wonder if she’s feeling the heat from Boobsie coming back whenever. I love that Melina and Jillian are randomly best friends again this episode, but I hate that Melina never does her entrance any more. Can’t she just manage somebody again or something? Santino is on commentary, and he spends the entire match bitching about the metric system. After a few minutes, Jillian goes over and makes out with him, which is just the distraction Melina needs to roll Maria up. In my favorite moment of the night, Maria struggles desperately to get out of the pin, fails, Melina leaves, and Maria spends the next twenty seconds randomly sticking her ass up in the air.

Santino Marella: You-a see what-a happens? You-a go off-a and join-a the Playboys-a and I’m-a making out with-a Lillian and you’re-a sticking out-a your ass-a! Now you’ll-a end up-a like Sable-a, Torrie Wilson-a, Boobsie McTitsalot-a, and Christy Hemme-a! All used-a up and out-a on your-a ass like-a yesterday’s pizza-a pie!

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): But…but…I haven’t made my decision yet!

Santino: Yes-a you did-a! I saw-a the picture-a in the back-a of the magazine-a!

Maria: Santino, that magazine doesn’t come out until this week. It’s still last week.

Santino: So that-a means-

Maria: That you don’t know yet.

Santino: Very good-a! We will-a continue this-a discussion next-a week!

Maria: Now, when you say next week, do you mean this week, or do you mean two weeks from now? Or do you mean next week, next week.

Santino: Shut-a up!

Then, they make out. Somehow, Paul Burchill kissing his sister was a little less skeevy.

(ads)

John Cena is teaching race car drivers how to wrestle. And also how to shave. Mmkay.

This video package would like to remind you that Triple H still exists. In case you forgot or something.

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And somewhere, they’re singing: “All eyes on Memememememememememememe!”

This is one of WWE’s few “Dream Matches” left so it’s kind of funny that they’re just throwing it out there on TV now. Now they’ll have to resign Koko B. Ware so they can do Koko vs. Shannon Moore at Mania this year. Pity. Everybody spends the first ten minutes of the match taking turns running into the ring posts, include WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiike Chioda. Jeff tries that awful move where he runs along the barricade, praying desperately that he doesn’t fall off and land in some 12-year old’s popcorn, and then sort of just jumps at his opponent. Shawn shows that he’s a wily veteran, by catching Jeff and gently setting him down, and then scolding him for trying that dumb move again.

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The commentators start going on and on about how much Jeff reminds them of Shawn. Oh man, Shawn Michaels has turned into Bret Favre for JR’s John Madden. The universe has wilt it to be. The scary thing is, without the wacky hair and the lip ring, Jeff kind of DOES look like a younger Shawn Michaels here. Shawn hits his five moves of doom. Say them with me now! 1. Punch. 2. More different punch. 3. Prance around for seven minutes. 4. Pray that Jesus allows you to win the match. 5. Superkick. But the Superkick misses. Oh, Jesus showed you! Jeff nails the Twist of Fate and then the Swanton for the win. Wow. Good for Jeff!

Shawn Michaels: What the hell was that about?

Jesus: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Shawn: I prayed for you to help me win my match this week.

Jesus: Oh come on. That would be cheating. You probably would’ve gotten disqualified. And besides, didn’t you watch that ad earlier? Cheaters never prosper, Shawn.

Shawn: That’s never stopped us before!

Jesus: Ok, look, I’ll be straight with you. I totally spaced on it. I thought you mean next week.

Shawn: But I said, “Help me win my match this week.”

Jesus: Right. But this is last week. So the match I would help you with would be next week.

Shawn: Oh. I guess that makes sense. So the Elimidate Chamber then?

Jesus: Hahahaha…Noooo.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: In the most shocking move of the night, The Monster Meng wins both Elimidate Chambers and the heart of Michelle McCool. Plus, Ric Flair makes Ken Kennedy look like a baby. And CM Punk and Chavo Guerrero fight on the beach again.