Triple H: Gosh, guys, I haven’t seen Orton all week! I really hope something bad has happened to him.

William Regal: Yes, well, I seem to have lost my time traveling couch, so I’m afraid I won’t be too much help tonight. Sorry, chaps.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo-
 

Cena: Aww…Silly raps is what gives me my powers!

Randy Orton: Greetings, gentlemen. Misters Regal, Helmsley and Cena, how are you all doing this fine day?

HHH: Uh…Hey.

Cena: Hi?

Regal: Wh-Who are you?

Orton: Why, I’m Randy Orton, Legend Killer. The holder of the WWE Championship? No? That’s ok, you were always a little slow on the uptake, William. So, what are we doing here in this office? Something to do with Wrestlemania, no doubt.

Regal: Right. I can only assume this was the work of the aliens?

Cena: Has he been eating a lot of fish lately?

HHH: Oh! Maybe after Dave hit him with that Encyclopedia all those times, the knowledge is finally sinking in!

Orton: What are you guys talking about? I’m fine. Quit acting weird, men. I don’t want to screw up our big Wrestlemania moment!

Regal: This segment is giving me a headache. Look, I’m going to go take a vacation for the next three weeks or so. You all can run RAW while I’m gone. Have a nice time, gentlemen.

Orton: This is just like the time Maven ran RAW. Do you all remember that? That was pretty nifty. On my week, I think we should all have tea and sandwiches and talk of our plans for Wrestlemania. What do you all think of this? What do I have to look forward to in your weeks?

Cena: I…uh….

HHH: Are you sure you’re ok?

Orton: Just fine! Thanks for your concern, Hunter! We may not have gotten along in the past, but I still remember our time together fondly.

HHH: Don’t you talk to me!

(Opening Credits)

The Big Show vs. Brandon “The Thrill” Hill (w/ his Posse)
In a Mixed Martial Arts Match

And some where, Dave Meltzer has just wet himself. This is, of course, preparation for Show’s match with Floyd Mayweather, because Brandon Hill is exactly the same size as Floyd. Sadly, Show doesn’t demonstrate his guard position for us. To be fair though, neither did Lesnar. They’re just going to do this in the ring? Come on, they could’ve sprung for the cage at least! “The Thrill” spends most of the match trying to hide under the ropes. Yeah, I can see where he got the nickname. How does he have an entrance video?! Crazy. I wonder if I’ve got one, just in case I show up on RAW some time. Big Show hits the choke slam for the win. I don’t think that’s allowed in UFC.

Big Show: That was vaguely MMAish, right? Can we get that crossover audience for Wrestlemania too?

Floyd “Money” Mayweather: You want to take me on, Big Show? I’m going to break your jaw.

Show: Oh, man, this guy is really terrible-

Mayweather: Yeah! That’s right, I said your jaw! Even though I probably can’t reach it….

Show: -at these “live via Satellite” things.

Mayweather: You can’t mess with me! I’ve got money! I am the money! Moneymoneymoneymoneymoney! Dollah Dollah! Oh! Dollah Dollah!

Shane McMahon: Heeeeey!

Show: I can’t believe we blew $20 million on this dude.

Mayweather: What’s that? Lunch? I’d love some lunch. Hell yeah. Somebody get me some lunch. Am I still on camera? How much longer am I supposed to be talking?

Backstage, Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair are walking around together. Who will make it to the bathroom first?!

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Oh. They’re having a match. Is this the week where we learn that Michaels’ quasi-feud with Cade is only because he trained him? No? Damn. I had this week in the office pool. Murdoch no longer has his cape that he only wore for one week. I’ll miss that cape. Does it get recycled to Internet Heat jobbers or something? These are things that keep me up at night. Shawn prances around the ring for a few minutes, and then bails allowing Flair to lock in the Figure Four for the win.

Shawn Michaels: Well, that was certainly worthy of two minutes of your time. Now, about Wrestlemania. I keep thinking that it isn’t such a good idea to have a match with you. I mean, the expectations would be running super high, which means that if our match sucks it’ll be my fault. Plus, what are the outcomes? I win, you’re retired, which is fine, but then I look like an asshole because everybody will say that I insisted I be the one to beat you. But if I lose…I jobbed to an 80 year old nutcase at Wrestlemania. I’ll never live that down. I’d rather challenge Mae Young to a match than wrestle you.

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Backstage….

William Regal: Yes, I’ll take two large pepperoni. Oh, yes! Stuffed crust would be delightful.

John Cena: Aren’t you supposed to be on vacation? I’m supposed to be the GM of the show.

Regal: Look, where the hell am I going to go? Hmm? England? So my bloody family can ruin my vacation time? I think not. So, I’ve decided to vacation in this lovely office. I’ll work on my tan, have some pizzas and generally not worry about running the show.

Cena: How is that different from any other week?

Regal: The tanning part mostly. Have you seen me? I’m a vampire!

Cena: I decided to book Hunter and Orton against each other.

Regal: Well, there’s a brand new idea. Set your opponents against each other! What else’ve you got?

Cena: Super Crazy and Totally Not Jamal?

Regal: That’s…interesting?

Cena: And I’m taking on Mr. Kennedy.

Regal: You booked yourself in a match on your night off? You’re a bigger idiot than I ever thought, and I thought you were a pretty huge idiot.

Cena: Yeah, I get that a lot. Hey, can you pass me a cookie?

Regal: Sure, ol’ bean!

ALF: Sorry I stole Randy Orton last week, guys. I was on a wicked bender and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

Cena: A loveable ‘80s icon! This is the best General Manager week of all time!

Regal: Don’t worry about it, ALF. Say, did you do a little brain tinkering on young Randall?

ALF: No, but I did hit him in the head with a rather large hammer!

Regal: Thank you.

ALF: No problemo!

Cena: I’m your biggest fan! Can I get your autograph?

ALF: No problemo!

Triple H: Keep away from Nibblins!

Next week is three hours? Oh, for Pete’s sake. That’s EXACTLY what I need. Wait…isn’t Hunter or Randy supposed to be running the show next week? And they can only book old Wrestlemania matches? That’s kind of limiting, isn’t it? Well, you know since it’s three hours it’s going to be Hunter anyway, so, alrighty.

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William Regal has taken his Sun and Fun tour to ringside where he can read all his Umangas in peace. It’s nice of Cena to give Crazy a match on RAW like this. He must owe the guy money or something. Maybe Crazy did some detailing on his lawn mower. Regal passes some time conferring with Ross and Lawler about how bad Not Jamal is going to job to “Dave” Batista “Davidson” at Wrestlemania, and how funny it is that Smackdown gets the “superiority” push again. And by the time they’ve gotten that out of their mouths, Not Jamal has landed a poke to the eye for the win.

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It’s the return of the Highlight Reel! I bet Jericho’s soooo glad to be back!

Chris Jericho: Oh. Yay. The Highlight Reel. It’s moments like these that make me question why I ever left in the first place. Not like the days of the wrestling talk shows are past us…again…right? Well, at least they gave me a new high def monitor with my name on it. Jeritron 6000. That either sounds like a really dorky robot or a some kind of erectile dysfunction med.

Jeff Hardy: I’m out here to tell you that internet sites are reporting that I’m going to win the Money in the Bank Ladder Match this year, and become the NEW WWE Champion!

Jericho: Look, Jeff, you probably are going to win. And not just because the internet is saying it. Look, who do we even have in the match? Me? Like hell I’m going to win. Ha! And Shelton Benjamin? Not a chance in hell, he’s just there to hit some spots. Kennedy? An outside chance, but not after he said he’d cash it in that night. No way they end the show with Kennedy/HHH as the main event, never mind Kennedy winning. Plus a qualifying match tonight with two guys that have absolutely no shot of winning, and nobody from Smackdown, who else is it going to be?

Hardy: I can’t wait! I’m going to be WWE Champion!

Jericho: And that’s where my suspension of disbelief ends. I can’t believe they’d actually pull the trigger on that. Can you?

Hardy: Imagi will provide.

Jericho: Right. Hey, I was the first ever Undisputed Chamion, you know?

Hardy: Why do you always tell me that?

Jericho: I tell everybody that. It’s kind of my thing. My…only thing. Now, look, Jeff, here’s the deal. From here on out, you and I aren’t friends. Not until after Wrestlemania. Because Lord knows you’re going to jump off some goddamn thing and try to kill me, and I’d hate to take that personally.

Hardy: Ok. Well, then, as your not friend? Your new merchandise really blows!

And with that, he kicks Jericho in the balls and hits the Twist of Fate. Then he runs off to his crappy new music. Awesome. The crowd, for there part, doesn’t know how to react, so they boo while they are clapping, which is pretty neat.

Backstage, Ken Kennedy is wandering around. Will he find the bathroom?!

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Oh, never mind. He had a match. You know, Ken isn’t quite as charming when he doesn’t announce himself. John Cena, of course, booked this match so he didn’t feel bad about booking the other two in a match later on tonight. Just kidding. Seriously, they just ran out of guys to get onto the show. I mean, friggin’ Super Crazy had a match tonight. If Cena didn’t come out and wrestle, there wouldn’t be any show at all. John locks in move #257 (Arm-BAR). That’s totally worth taking an ad break, so let’s do this!

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Cena tries a pinfall immediately, but Kennedy kicks out. One of these times that will work, John! Maybe Cena knew that anybody who was anybody is watching the Terminator finale tonight, so he’s just killing time. I kind of wish Regal would still be out here on commentary. Kennedy starts beating on Cena for a while, giving credence to the idea that maybe, just maybe, wrestling on your night off three weeks before Wrestlemania was a stupid idea. Cena locks in the STFU in short order, however, for the win. This week’s STFU rating? C-. At least it didn’t look like he was hugging Kennedy this time.

Backstage, Maria and Boobsie are walking around. I hope there’s no line to get into the bathroom. Maria’s hilarious commentary as we fade out into the break? “You know, it’s like I’m here, and you’re here!” Yes. It’s just like that.

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I know this isn’t an American Idol column, but how awesome of a name was Alexandrea Lushington? That’s what Katie Lea Burchill should’ve been named. Anyway, Jerry Lawler is in the ring, maybe he’ll have something interesting to say?

Jerry Lawler: I have nothing interesting to say! So instead, here are two of the participants in this year’s “Bunnymania” match at Wrestlemania, Boobsie McTitsalot and Maria…whatever! I can’t wait!

Maria Marella (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella): That’s right, King. I can’t wait to be a part of Wrestlemania and hang out with Snoop Dogg. Actually, I can wait. I can wait until Wrestlemania. Sorry about the confusion. In the meantime, I’d like for everybody to check out my naked pictures in this month’s issue of Playboy. Contrary to popular belief, I do, in fact, have boobs.

Boobsie McTitsalot: I can neither confirm or deny this rumor.

Maria: So, without further ado, let’s unveil my cover.

Lawler pulls off the sheet to unveil a picture of Santino naked. Meh…I don’t know about this one. He’s too photoshopped.

Santino Marella: That’s-a right! I’m-a photoshopped too-a! I also posed-a naked for the-a Playboy! I-a didn’t want-a the competition-a!

Maria: Santino, why you gotta be like this? I’m trying to flaunt my nudity here for the empowerment of nude women everywhere!

Santino: Maria-a, is there-a something different-a about you-a?

Lawler: Yeah, you seem…smarter?

Santino: And your-a voice! It sounds-a like you’ve-a been smoking-a three packs a day-a!

Maria: Nothing’s changed, ok? Nothing! I’m the same Maria I was two years ago.

Santino: No you’re-a not! Get-a out of her-a, foul demon-a! The Power-a of Shawn-a Michaels compels-a you!

Maria: Santino! How dare you?! That’s it, we’re not neeping anymore. You’ve been de-neepified!

Lawler: Well, I guess that’s all for you, buddy!

And with that, Lawler pushes him out of the camera angle. Hey, remember when they used to feud? Yeah. Me too!

Boobsie: And now? BOOBS!

And a giant picture of Maria’s Playboy cover explodes from the ceiling of the arena. That’s going to cost a bundle to fix. Good thing they had it in reserve though, just in case. Hilariously, the camera men find an 8 year old in the crowd with a “Maria in Playboy” sign. Good for you, kid.

Maria: One small step for Maria, one giant leap for getting women to be taken seriously.

Lawler: What the hell happened to you?

ALF: Oooh, that. Sorry. Look, there was a sale on big hammers.

Santino: DAMN-A YOU, ALF-A!

HHH: I’ll show you a hammer! Get back here!

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Some dude named Carl Edwards won a belt in some car race. He wants to give it to John Cena. Does it spin? Do you want it to spin? If the answer to either of these questions is “No” don’t bother.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Cody Rhodes
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man. Seriously. Guys? You’re not even trying. Look, I know you only want RAW guys in the match, but can’t you just tell us who’s going to be in there? I mean, nobody expects Cody to win this thing. I’ll give you this though, I don’t really expect Carlito to win it either. So…Well played? Cody attempts to win the match by standing really stiff and waiting for Carlito to do something. Surprisingly, this tactic works pretty well for about two minutes, until Carlito walks around Cody and hits the Backstabber for the win. Aw, poor Cody. There’s always next year! Unless you get fired! CARLITO IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!

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It’s time for an interview with Floyd Mayweather! Oh boy! Should be a good one.

Jim Ross: For the record, can you please state your name? A lot of fans of WWE might not have heard of you before you burst onto the scene at No Way Out.

Floyd “Money” Mayweather: I’m going to break Big Show’s jaw! Yeah! Somebody get my jetpack! I’m going to fly to the moon! How do you like that?

Jerry Lawler: Seriously, though, Floyd! Big Show has four feet and about 800 pounds on you, but you aren’t going to risk your reputation and “undefeated streak” by agreeing to job to this guy. So how are you going to win?

Mayweather: I’ve got all kinds of money! Lots of money! Have you seen my pool? It’s filled with gold coins. It’s like Scrooge McDuck up in here!

Ross: What did you think of Big Show’s Martial Arts match earlier tonight?

Mayweather: I had pancakes for lunch. For lunch! You don’t do that unless you’re a man who doesn’t care about what other people think of you. I don’t care what anybody thinks of me! I’m going to buy WWE and turn all of the shows into two hour long infomercials for Oxiclean. And I’m going to turn Internet Heat into an hour of me makin’ pancakes. Hell yeah.

Lawler: You’re not very good at this pretaped interview thing are you?

Mayweather; No.

Ross: And now over to our broadcast colleague, Mike Adamle!

Mike Adamle: Oxiclean powers out stains instantly! It cleans the toughest stains and the worst odors in a snap! It’s stain fighting made easy!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Um…stick to the script, Mike.

Adamle: Sorry, Emeril! Just preparing for the new boss! Ok, folks, you know that were’ only a few weeks away from the biggest event in WWE history, Backlash live and on Pay Per View! But we’re here tonight to celebrate the all time greats of Gladiator Arena, the gladiators that paved the way for the Eliminators of the future. So, without further ado, it’s my pleasure to introduce to you the next entry into the WWE Hall of Fame, Lace!

Hatori: I think you meant Mae Young.

Adamle: Right! Made Young!

Hatori: I’m going to go make some pancakes.

Sure enough, Mae Young. Don’t remember her for her pioneering spirit though, remember her for making out with Bobby Heenan and flashing her prosthetic boobs.

Finlay is walking around backstage. His name is Finlay…and he loves to drink. Don’t break the seal, Fit!

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Finlay is now in the ring. He’s got a new theme song too which is 85% jauntier than his old song. However, it sucks. What is WWE’s big deal with making people switch to suckier versions of their old themes? I hate this show sometimes.

Dave Finlay: What the hell was that?

Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, we didn’t think your old theme song properly conveyed the child friendly image we’re putting off for you now. See that 8-year old holding that sign in the audience? The one that says, “Give me Maria’s nipples or Give me Death?” He can’t identify with an Irish Hooligan who tries to maim people. But give him a drunken father figure who likes to throw his child at his enemies, and he’ll understand completely.

Finlay: Ach.

Vince: Did you know, by the way, that Shamrock Shakes are back at McDonalds? Delicious! Anyway, I have a question for you, did you conspire with my family against me?

Finlay: Yes. It was me. I changed the script to make Huggins your son. I know the choice seems completely random and not very well thought out, but I did it. Mostly because having a leprechaun follow me around to all my matches was getting a little embarrassing, not to mention that it wasn’t doing any wonders for my tough guy persona. But I guess that’s all over now, isn’t it?

Vince: Yep. And are you Hiphopper’s father?

Finlay: That’s complicated.

Vince: How could it possibly be complicated?

Finlay: Hansolo is either my son or Paul Reiser’s son. But the judge won’t let us know which. So we lived together with him in an apartment, and tried to teach him the values that he’ll need to succeed in life when he grows up. Which is, apparently, never. But we finally got away from that when we convinced you to take him.

John Bradshaw Leyfield: I hate to interrupt this party, but I’m appearing live via satellite.

Vince: You show Floyd Mayweather how it’s done!

JBL: I’m standing here at Hoagiesandwich’s bedside, and I have to say, I see a lot of you in his eyes, Finlay. And a lot of Paul Reiser. Also, a lot of Greg Evigan, which is weird. I haven’t seen that guy in forever.

Finlay: His daughter is in Step Up 2 The Streets.

Vince: A noble career move!

JBL: Right. Well, anyway, I was going to say that it was really nice for the hospital to let me up here, despite the fact that I’m the one that caused all this damage. And it’ll be even nicer when they don’t press charges on me after beating the crap out of him again.

Finlay: Gotta love the American health and legal systems!

JBL: This is just a lame and veiled attempt to get you to agree to a match at Wrestlemania with me. Please? Or else I won’t be on the card! And that would make me sad!

Finlay: Eh. Sure. Why not?

JBL: Great! Now I’m going to turn out the lights so nobody can see me beating up Hotrain.

Hornswoggle: You better be beating me up. The minute I feel a finger where it doesn’t belong, I’m calling my lawyer.

JBL: Hmph.

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Cena is on commentary for this one. Needless to say, he’s not nearly as insightful as Regal. Well, he does actually add that “This is a great way to scout my Wrestlemania opponents.” Dude, you’ve been wrestling this same circle of guys for five years now. If you haven’t gotten it yet, there’s nothing I can do for you. Hunter punches Orton in the face which never gets old, but Randy’s increased mental capacity means that he can counter anything that Hunter throws at him. Sadly, for Randy, that doesn’t include the steel steps, however. Upon realizing the hopelessness of this particular situation, Orton attempts to leave. John Cena attempts to stop this, but things quickly devolve and WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mike Chioda throws the whole thing out. With the match over, Cena dumps Hunter with an FU. Cena starts to celebrate, but he pulls a muscle in his thigh, and falls over. Orton wins! Suddenly, a giant anvil falls onto his head.

Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart: Ow!

Randy Orton: Where am I? What am I to be doing here? Joe Cedar? Triopoly H? Art thou hurt?! What does this mean for our match at Wigglestralia?!

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: The cycle begins again. Thank you for your help.

ALF: No problemo!

Greg “The Hammer” Valentine: So when do I get to do it again?

ALF: Shut up.

Next Week: Three HOURS of Triple H in charge. Ugh. Plus, matches of Wrestlemanias past! Lex Luger vs. Yokozuna! The Hardyz vs. The Dudleyz vs. Edge and Chris Tian! Bam Bam Bigalow vs Lawrence Taylor! Mr. Perfect vs. The Blue Blazer! I can’t wait!