Rather Officious Looking Penguin: Hell…I don’t even know any more. The minute somebody starts turning into a mongoose or talking in Pig Latin, though, I’m out of here.

(Opening Credits)

Vince McMahon: Who’s ready to see me talk on the phone for two hours? Come on! It’ll be lots of fun! Wait, how do you dial one of these things? Hold on a minute while I figure it out. I should’ve had this ironed out before the press conference.

J.R. starts things off by calling Katie Lea a “capable hand,” which is kind of creepy in a way that I can’t quite disagree with, which is kind of depressing. They’re kind of jumping the gun on this feud aren’t they? So, either they panicked, realizing they have approximately zero (0) heels on RAW, and decided to push the hell out of Burchill and cross their fingers, or somebody’s getting suspended (Jimmy Yang!), or they just forgot this was a feud. Given that Kennedy wins clean, I’m guessing it’s the third one. At least Burchill answered the question about what happened to Maria’s other glove. Oh, and the Burchill pops up and punches Kennedy in the back of the head, so I don’t know what’s going on.

Meanwhile, on the stage….

Vince McMahon: You want to win some money? Just remember the code phrase! “Yes, I am watching this show!” Now, let’s try giving our friend a call to let him know he’s going to win $200,000!

Vince pulls out some comical professor glasses and starts dialing random numbers.

Vince: 3...2...8...7...11...0...9...834...6...That’s right. Right?

Never gonna give you up!
Never gonna let you down!
Never gonna run around and desert you!
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye,
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!

OMG RICK ROLL~!

Backstage….

Triple H: Oh crap. We ran into the Internet meme universe.

Rather Officious Looking Penguin: Well…let’s let it play out. How would you know about Internet memes anyway?

HHH: Shut up. “Inside we both know what’s been…goin’ on! We know the game and we’re gonna play it!”

Back on stage….

Vince: I don’t understand. Why is music playing? Do I have to pay for the rights to this?

Dan Weedlebottom: HAHAHAHAHA RICKROLL SUCKA!!!

Vince: Uh…Thanks? Dan, are you watching RAW right now?

Dan: Nope. The RAW feed doesn’t start on the West Coast for another hour, duder.

Vince: Well, do you know the password?

Dan: Uh…No? Hey, can I talk to Maria?

Vince: No. Just take your $200,000 and shut up.

(ads)

The Oakland Raiders have nothing better to do than watch RAW. It’s no wonder their season turned out so well last year.

Beth sure has been mopey since she lost her attorney’s badge. She needs to adopt a plucky young magician to brighten her spirits. God bless the two of you who get that joke. This is non-title of course, because title matches are for pansies. Alexis wins after about five seconds by jumping at Beth, kinda. D’Lo’s going to steal that for his finisher when he comes back. You’re lookin’ at the Real Deal now! It’s just too bad Lugz isn’t still a sponsor. Wait…are they? Is Lugz even still a company? Agh, I really wish I wouldn’t worry about this kind of thing. Oh, to be normal. I want me some Birdman Lugz. I need to go driving. Melina comes in to beat up Beth for a while too. Sure. Why not? Just pile on!

Vince McMahon: Now I’m going to dial another number. Sure we could’ve done this off-air or pre-dialed the number, but this makes it that much more exciting! Kind of. Shut up. Now let’s hear from Dustin. Dustin Rhodes?

Dustin Rhodes: I don’t work for you any more! I win $75,000! Awesome.

Vince: Well…congrats, I guess.

(ads)

Backstage….

John Cena: Man, this camera is, like, up my nostrils. Are we going to be making out or something?

Triple H: No. Never gonna give…never gonna give!

Cena: Knock that off! We’ve got a big match coming up at the end of the month for one of them off month PPVs, and all you can think to do is sign a song?

HHH: Aren’t you the one who’s rapping all the time?

Cena: Yeah. I guess you got me there. Speaking of which. Yo Yo Y-

HHH: No.

Cena: Awwwww….

Back at the Batphone….

Vince McMahon: Things aren’t going as well as I’d hoped, so here’s a WWE Superstar that everybody knows and loves!

Charlie Haas: Yay!

Vince: Charlie Haas?!

Haas: Super Crazy was busy.

Vince: Well…haha…what if I called your house? And you weren’t there to collect $25,000? Which you couldn’t win anyway because you work here?

Haas: Well, I guess I’d have to hope Jackie answered? Because she doesn’t work here.

Vince: Shut up. Let me dial a number.

Nothing.

Vince: This is the greatest segment in the history of our great sport.

Vince dials again. Nothing.

Vince: Gabe from Network Solutions, everybody! Come on out here, Gabe. We’re using the money some Indian guy put up for some stupid wrestle man site for this contest.

The Great Khali: VIBIGHT ONGLINDOFFLABTPGHT.COHGLH!

Gabe: I’m getting booed. Sniffle.

Vince: And one more time! Hello? Do you know the Password, Donna?

Donna: Password?! IS THIS REGIS?! The Password is FUN, Regis! YAAAAY!

Vince: Um…Close enough? But I tell you what, I’ll double that if Charlie Haas kisses a Diva.

Haas: It’s going to be Mae Young, isn’t it?

Donna: Man up, Charlie! If Regis tells you to do something, you do it!

Haas: Jackie is going to kill me for this.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool Marella Marella): She’s going to neep you but good.

Charlie totally gives Maria the tongue, because…come on. Who wouldn’t?

Vince: Make out with Mae Young too!

Charlie gives Mae the tongue too, because he’s tired of Jackie cockblocking him. Elsewhere….

John Bradshaw Leyfield: I’m really glad that I didn’t come up with this idea. I mean…like…Really glad.

Ron Simmons: You know what I’m glad I didn’t come up with? New Coke.

(ads)

Did you know? RAW is broadcast in almost 130 countries, and right now about all of them are watching something else.

Hunter’s out on commentary so he can see this train wreck for himself. I guess it’s better than Internet meme’s week. Though I kind of want to see Taye Zonday cover “No Chance in Hell” now. He’d do a better job than Jericho, anyway. JBL kind of bails on this match from the minute he walks down to the ring. I miss the limo a lot. I wish the limo had its own WWE.com interview show. Make it happen, Joey Styles! You don’t have anything better to do. What are the odds that WWE.com starts looking exactly like 1wrestling in about a month? OH!!! Or maybe they’ll start advertising exclusive shower photos of Maryse every minute of every show, and they’ll be laid out like a Geocities page. Seriously, what was the deal with ECWWrestling.com anyway?

(ads)

Sorry, that tangent took us to the ad break. Nothing much happened anyway. John Cena stared lovingly at HHH for a while, and Bradshaw went and got a hotdog. Did we just go an entire segment without a cash grab though? That’s weird. I thought maybe Vince would do a run-in and give away $4,000. JBL hits the Clothesline from Hell, which must be trademarked by Michael Cole or something, because J.R. insists on calling it a Lariat. Cena wins with a roll-up. Good for him. Afterwards, he comes to hang out with Hunter, but HHH just gives him a wet willy and an Indian burn and runs away. Poor Cena.

(ads)

Vince is back out.

Vince McMahon: Lillian Garcia, how much do you weigh?

Lillian: Huh? Why in the world are you talking to me?

Vince: 98,000 pounds, huh? Better lay off the cheesecake, sweetie. But that gives me an idea, how about I give away $98,000?! To the next person I call!

Vince dials the number. He even got it right this time! Good for him!

Vince: Is this Stephanie?

Stephanie: Yes.

Vince: Not my daughter, though, folks! Are you watching RAW?

Stephanie: Yeah, we’re having a Nitro Party right now! Hahahahaha! Seriously, though, I’m watching The Mole. I think it’s the fat guy.

Vince: Um…well…do you know the secret password?

Stephanie: Nope. Is it Nutragrain?

PeeWee: Nutragrain?! That’s the SECRET WORD!!! Everybody scream real loud! AAAAAAAH!

Conky: AAAAAAAAH!

Stephanie: AAAAAAH!

Jim Ross: AAAAAAAH!

Jerry “” Lawler: AAAAAAAH!

Gabe: AAAAAAH!

Vince: AAAAAAH! Well…I guess you win then.

Chris Jericho: Hey, that’s great and everything, but do you mind if I ask Shawn Michaels a question?

Vince: Not really.

Jericho: Shawn, you suck! I hate you stealing my spot on the card all the time and always faking injuries and things when you don’t want to job. And the fans still love you and chant for you, and you won’t turn heel, and I’m stuck with the Intercontinental title which I said I would defend, but I won’t because I hate you.

Shawn Michaels: That’s…not even a question.

Jericho: Shawn, you suck! I hate you stealing my spot on the card all the time and always faking injuries and things when you don’t want to job. And the fans still love you and chant for you, and you won’t turn heel, and I’m stuck with the Intercontinental title which I said I would defend, but I won’t because I hate you. You know?

Shawn: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

Then Jericho throws him through the Jeritron 5000.

Marty Jannetty: I am avenged!

Jericho: I wish this would mean that I was going to win the feud. Sigh.

Jambi the Genie: Wish?! Did somebody say “Wish?!”

Jericho: Jambi, I wish I didn’t have to job all the time.

Jambi: Well Meckaleckahimecka, Sorry I can’t do anything for you. I’m a genie, not God.

(ads)

Non-title, of course, because Hardcore Holly is no pansy. I don’t know about the other guys in this match, though. I do love the Orton/Not Jamal combination though. They’re pretty much the greatest tag team of all time. This is actually my favorite thing about Not Jamal, because he’s supposedly this wild cannibal, but then he’s totally just hanging out during tag matches. Not Jamal hits the Black Hole Slam, but drops Cody on his head. Abyss should steal that part. Thumb to the eye and Not Jamal and Abe win!

Ted Dibiase Jr.: At least my dad had the good sense to kick the basketball away when he was giving away money. And this segment, my friends, has been priceless.

(ads)

Back to the money pit.

Vince McMahon: You know what WWE fans love more than time wasting segments where we give away money? Singing superstars! Let’s go!

I send an S.O.S. to the world!
I send an S.O.S. to the world!
I hope that someone gets my-
I hope that someone gets my-
Message in a bottle, yeah!
Message in a bottle, yeaaaaaah!

The last time I freaked out,
I just kept looking down,
I st-stu-stuttered when you asked me,
What I’m thinkin’ ‘bout-

Vince: Ok, that’s enough of that crap. Now, let’s move on to THIS crap. I’m about to give away 75 cents, which if you’re keeping track, is at least twice as much as Funaki makes per month. Let’s dial it up!

Sarah: Did I win?!

Vince: Yeah. 75 cents! In your face, bitch! Hahaha! I love it. Let’s move on. Gabe?

Gabe: I can’t believe I got my SAG card for this.

Vince dials up another number.

Josh: Hello? Who is this?

Vince: This is Vince McMahon from WWE!

Josh: Those Wildlife people? I’m on the No Call List, you bastards!

Vince: No, that’s the WWF-

Josh: I hate wrestling.

Vince: Then why did you sign up for the Million Dollar Ratings Grab?

Josh: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Vince: Well, whatever. Are you watching RAW right now?

Josh: Shut up you pervert!

Vince: It’s worth $200,000-

Josh: Yes, I am watching this show! But you can’t tell anybody I know. This is embarrassing.

Vince: Another member of our fan base, folks!

(ads)

In case you missed Smackdown (and who didn’t?), Santino lost to Cousin Sal. Sarah Silverman surprisingly made a cameo also. I thought even her standards were higher than that. Well, I mean, I guess she got to meet the guy from “They Live” right? Santino and Carlito came to kick ass and chew gum, and thankfully, they’ve got a whole lot of gum on hand, because they pretty much get slapped around by Cryme Tyme for five minutes. After the match, Vince comes out with his money pile.

Vince McMahon: My favorite wrestlers, everybody! Cryme Tyme!

Shad Gaspard: Vince, we’re still not letting you join.

JTG: Yeah, you’re not any blacker than you were last year when you tried.

Vince: Whatever you say, my dawgs. Now, let’s give away some money, money, yeah yeah!

Shad: Are we still doing that?

JTG: I’m going to go take a nap.

Will: Hello, this is Will.

Vince: Will, are you watching Monday Night RAW right now?

Will: Yes, I am. Oh My God! Am I on the show right now?!

Vince: Yes you are! And if you know the password, you win $51,586! Do you know the password, Will? Will? You there, buddy?

Will: Duuuuuuude…It’s like I can see the future! I’m watching me watching the show watching me watching the show wat-

Shad: We stole all that money.

Vince: Sorry, Will! Better luck next time!

Backstage, Jeff Hardy is wandering around looking for some coffee. This show certainly has been thrilling.

(ads)

Cena’s out on commentary because he has nothing better to do. I love John on commentary because as soon as he puts on the headset everything interesting about him goes completely out the window. “I want the belt, but so does Triple H. I guess you could say that we both want the belt, J.R. and King, but I want the belt just a little bit more, I think.” Cena repeats that about 1,000 during the course of this match in response to everything that Lawler or Ross says. “What a maneuver by Jeff Hardy, King!” “I want the belt, but so does Triple H. I guess you could say that we both want the belt, J.R. and King, but I want the belt just a little bit more, I think.” Anyway, Hunter bails on the match pretty early, and then Cena ties his shoelaces together so Hunter can’t make it back to the ring. Jeff Hardy wins! Jeff Hardy beat Triple H! By Countout, but still! After the match, Hunter and Cena exchange ideas on how to end the world’s fuel crisis, when suddenly, Jeff yells, “I’m still voting for Ron Paul!” and jumps over the ropes at them.

(ads)

Did you know? Monday Night RAW is trying desperately to seem relevant to advertisers right now?

Vince McMahon: Yes we are! And in an unrelated matter, I’m going to give away however much money is left in this money pit here. There’s gotta be at least $4.50 in there. Let’s go to the phones.

Steve: Hello?

Vince: Eh, Steve! Are you watching WWE right now?

Steve: No. Hey! Is this Todd Pettingil? Did I win the house?!

Vince: Um…sure. This went really well.

Chairry: I love you, Mr. McMahon.

Backstage….

Triple H: Ummm…should we leave?

Rather Officious Looking Penguin: Nah. This is close enough.

Next Week: Vince continues his epic struggle with learning the ins and outs of the telephone. We waste another hour listening to people seem epically bored about winning money. And…RICK ROLL~!

Never gonna give you up!
Never gonna let you down!
Never gonna run around, and desert you!