All right! Matches! But first….

Stephanie McMahon: I’m here in Stamford, Connecticut trying not to have a baby before this segment ends.

Triple H: ANOTHER ONE?! But we already have Nibblins!
 

HHH: Get out of town! I’m sooooo glad I’m not on that show anymore. You have no idea.

Stephanie: So, with that in mind, I’m just going to make a frowny face and hope everybody learns their lessons and the main eveners go back to main eventing, dammit.

HHH: You know, other than Cena and Shawn, I don’t think there are any main eveners left on that show.

Stephanie: What about Batista?

HHH: Hahahahahahaha! But seriously, do we really need another baby?

Meanwhile, in the ring….

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me. Excuuuuuuuuuuuse me! I had to take time off from being the number one heel over on Smackdown to come over here and sort this mess of a show out. Apparently, nobody in WWE wants to bother with RAW now that it’s full of midcarders who are doing nothing with their lives.

Theodore Long: Buhleedat! I want nothin’ to do with RAW! At least we have Tommy Dreamer!

Vickie: Last week, Edge cancelled our wedding because he was so distraught over losing the title to CM Punk, who, according to WWE.com’s Joey Styles, hadn’t won a match since he beat Curry Man on a Ring of Honor show in 2005. So I’m here to challenge CM Punk to a match at the Great American Bash!

Here’s the Champ!

CM Punk: Dude, chillax and stuff.

Vickie: Did…did you just say “Chillax?” In a sentence?

Punk: Uh…yeah?

Vickie: Bwahahahahahaha!

Punk: Look, I’m not going to punch a lady in a wheel chair. How the hell did you get that thing into the ring anyway?

Vickie: I found Max Moon’s rocket boots and had Hawkins and Ryder hook me up. What if I got out of the wheel chair. Would you hit me then?

Punk: Well, I guess if it was good enough for Eddie, I’d hit it.

Vickie: Man, I’m seriously outclassing you on this promo thing.

Punk: Oh yeah? Well…I bet you have sex with The Great Khali!

Vickie: Ooooh, yeah. Good one, there, buddy.

Punk: Could you just imagine? “Excuse me!” “AAURRGGH!” “EXCUUUUUUSE ME!” “PHAFRALPG!”

Vickie: That’s kind of hot, actually. Have you ever considered a career writing slash?

John Bradshaw Leyfield: I can’t just stand by and let this happen. I mean…How in the hell is this the big segment to open the show? “World Champion” CM Punk and his verbal sparrings with a non-wrestler from another show? I’m going to take that belt back right now so that somebody that deserves to wear it can.

Punk: Um…you do remember that you were just a junk tag guy when you won this, right?

JBL: Yeah…but I was a lockerroom leader!

Punk: I guess if you count sticking your finger up other dude’s asses.

JBL: Geez! Chillax!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO Yo YO YO YO! YO! YOOOOOOO!

I can’t believe Punk won,
That’s crazy as hell,
RAW run by midcarders,
After the Titan Tron fell.

I’m hanging out with Cryme Tyme,
Shawn feuding with Lance Cade,
Looks like Smackdown won,
This year’s talent raid.

But that’s ok, everybody,
Everything will be all right,
Because I’m challenging JBL,
For a title shot tonight!

Then everything will settle,
When the dust is clear,
Chillax one and all,
‘Cuz THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Punk: Heeeeey!

Cena: You know what? Let’s just play Paper Scissors Rock for the title. That makes the most sense in this situation, I think.

Punk: Hey, you know what? Sure.

JBL: It’s Rock Paper Scissors, you idiots!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I want a ROCK!

JBL: Oh, great. Now look what you did.

Vickie: Um…Hi. I’m still in this segment. I can’t seem to get my power pack to work. Can anybody…lift me out?

Batista: Is that Tough Enough JESSIE?!

Punk: Batista, Cena, JBL, and Vickie? Sounds like a Fatal Fourway!

Batista: Why is she in a wheeled CHAIR?! I need to KNOW!

Kane: This match pretty clearly needs more me.

Punk: Five way!

Sean Cold Val Venis: You think I’m staying out of this? Hell no!

Punk: Six Way!

JBL: See? What the hell is going on around here? You should’ve just let me win last week.

Cena: Sigh…maybe you’re right.

Deuce: I am also standing in the ring.

Punk: Twelve way!

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Is this the first Rey singles match I’ve ever recapped? Is this even a recap? Especially since I probably won’t talk about a single thing in the match? They won’t be in the #1 Contenders Match because Santino wasn’t watching RAW during the opening segment and Rey couldn’t walk fast enough to make it out there in time. Poor, Rey’s stubby legs. I wonder how his shoulder is. Wasn’t he supposed to be back, like, two months from now or something? Anyway, Rey hits the 619 for the win.

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Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with CM Punk.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with CM Punk. And…this has to be some kind of joke, right?

CM Punk: Huh?

Grisham: You’re still the World Champion. This is some kind of cosmic joke played on all of us by some sort of…divine penguin or something.

Punk: Geez, chillax, Todd!

Grisham: CHILLAX?! CHILLAX?! I’ll show you how I chillax!

Todd Grisham rams himself into the lighting fixture and electrocutes himself. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Lighting Guy Dudley: Geez. This is live TV, asshole!

Abe Orton: I guess his parents should have had an Abe Orton. Hahahahahahaha!

Punk: Hahahahahahaha!

Abe: Seriously, though, can I have a title match?

Punk: Sure. Why the hell not?

Elsewhere….

John Cena: Man, nothing like a cool relaxing walk backstage to sort out what I’m going to do about all these problems were’ having on RAW.

Alexis Laree: Hey, totally my boyfriend still even though we haven’t hung out in weeks, what’s going on?

Cena: Uh…yeah. Hi. Mindy was it? Right! Sorry I haven’t called you back. These last three weeks have been…you know, with Cryme Tyme and everything. You know how it is.

Alexis: Totally. It’s cool though. Do you want to go to the mall later? I hear they have an awesome Sbarro’s here.

Cena: Err…Yeah. The…mall…that sounds like something I would do.

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Hello, all of the girls on your show are injured or dirty, dirty baby mamas, so I’m here now.

Cena: Wait, but you didn’t come over here from ECW in the supplemental draft!

Kelly: Nope.

Cena: And doesn’t The Miz own your contract anyway?

Kelly: How would you even know that? You don’t watch ECW!

Cena: Good point. Welcome to RAW!

Kelly: Thanks!

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Or is it supposed to be “Layla L?” I don’t have the slightest idea. Half these people aren’t even supposed to be on this show. Alexis and Jillian hop around for a while. I think everybody in this match can agree that, even though RAW is weird as hell right now, they’re all glad to be here instead of on Smackdown. Have you seen Smackdown’s girl’s belt? What the hell is that thing? It’s like My Little Title, or something. I never thought to market a segment entirely towards seven year old girls, but I guess that’s why I’m not a McMahon. Well…That and because I was neither born a McMahon nor am I sleeping with one. What was I talking about again? Oh, right. Kelly rolls up Jillian for the win. Layla didn’t even tag into this match. Thanks for coming out tonight, Layla!

JBL’s limo comes out. Maybe it wants a title shot? Moooooo!

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JBL is out now, but he wasn’t in his limo, so now he looks confused. I told you, John, your Limo wants the belt. That would’ve made a killer ending to the Austin gets run over storyline. The car went into business for itself! Bradshaw opens up the door and out pops John Cena!

John Cena: Surprise!

John Bradshaw Leyfield: What the hell?

Cena: I was in your limo!

JBL: I know. But why?

Cena: Chillax, bro! I just wanted to do another segment with a guy who can be vaguely considered a main eventer, and I thought this would be a good way of getting your attention.

JBL: Ok, yeah, I can go along with that. Who let you in here anyway? Where’s my driver?

Backstage….

Festus: ….

Kane: Seriously. That’s really bothering me. Where do I know you from?

Back on the stage….

Cena: Ok, now that I’ve got your attention, let’s segment! First, I need my two best main eventing friends: Cryme Tyme!

Shad Gaspard: Hell yeah! Main Event Time!

JTG: Main Event Main Event Yeeeeah Yeah! Main Event Main Event Yeeeeah Yeah!

JBL: Oh, John, you just don’t get it, do you?

Cena: What do you mean?

JBL: CRYME TYME IS NOT A MAIN EVENT ACT! YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS!

Cena: You hear that guys? He made fun of us! Let’s take out his limo!

Cryme Tyme starts thwacking the windows with baseball bats, including JTG hilariously missing everything and accidentally knocking out some dude in the second row. Meanwhile, Cena is spray painting the sides and hood of the limo with such challenging phrases as “I Am Writing On Your Limo,” “WTF,” and “JBL Is Poopy.” Yes, John Cena is a well aware that seven year old girls are our new demo. When they see this, Cryme Tyme shake their heads and leave.

Cena: Yeah! What now?! What now, Mr. Poopy?!

JBL: I’m…Speechless?

Cena: Word to your mother!

CM Punk comes out to survey the damage and even he cannot believe what just transpired.

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Abe Orton vs. CM Punk
For the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Abe just looks happy to be here tonight. Hey, this is our third match of the night! We’ve got to slow down this break neck pace here pretty soon. I’ve barely had time to get a nap in here. Somebody just e-mailed me to let me know that Chris Harris is going to be debuting in ECW this week, which is great, because I have no clue who that is. Punk sure does love his running knee lifts doesn’t he? He and HHH should hold a running knee lift symposium. I’d go. I’d take notes even. Punk ends up kneeing Abe right in the nose, shattering it, which is enough for the pin. CM Punk is a sloppy worker!

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is prancing at about half speed and constantly bumping into things on his right side.

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He’s somehow made it to the ring.

Shawn Michaels: Chris Jericho, a few weeks ago, you rammed my face into a TV, and then you made it so I fell into a table. Those are two things I just cannot forget, Chris. Not for a few months, anyway, and so I am going to challenge you to a match at the Great American Bash. But lest you think that your eye stabbings have gotten me down, Chris Jericho, I’d just like to point out that I can wear an eye patch now, and I look just like a pirate! Which is totally bad ass. Arr! Shiver me timbers!

Paul Burchill: Oh sure, you think it’s fun now, but-

Heeeeere’s Jericho!

Chris Jericho: No! No fun! You do not get to have any fun, temporary or otherwise so long as I’m trying to hurt you. I mean, come on, dude. You’re always winning. Why can’t you let me win one little feud? Come on!

Lance Cade: Yeah! Come oooooon!

Shawn: Shut up, Lance. You don’t get to talk.

Cade: Awww.

Jericho: Seriously though, why did I even bother coming back if this is how it’s going to be? There are literally no non-poopy heel main eveners on this show, I throw you through a TV so that I can put myself in position to be the top contender to CM friggin’ Punk for Pete’s sake, but you just can’t let it go. You’ve still got to come at me and come at me and come at me until I job again so that I look like an idiot and you look like some amazing old man. What is it with you and Bret Favre that’ you can’t just stay retired for once and let somebody else do something?

Bret Favre: Retire me?! I’m already retired!! RETIRE ME?! I’m already retired!!

Jericho: So why don’t you just let it go, and go sail the seven seas for a few months?

Shawn: Chillax, Chris. Here’s the deal: you’re a glorified upper-midcarder. I mean, that’s all you are and that’s all you ever will be. I know you don’t think so, but it’s really time we started facing the facts here, man. Go shoot another VH1 special, I’m sure they’re loving five minutes ago by now. Or another really awful SciFi Original Movie. Or cut another album with Fozzy! You don’t have to grow up to be me. Not everybody’s going to reach that brass ring, Chris. So why don’t you just shut up and admit that, while you’re never going to be Shawn Michaels, at least you aren’t Lance Cade.

Cade: Awwww.

Jericho: You fight like a dairy farmer.

Shawn: How appropriate, you fight like a cow.

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Yes! Charlie Haas in action! This is not for the Intercontinental Title, because God only knows what would happen if people started defending their titles around here. Then again, didn’t Jericho promise that he’d be defending his title non-stop and then he lost it in his next match? Yeah…I guess maybe that tipped everybody off. Random Line from Kofi Kingston’s awesome theme music: “SOS! I am Shelton!” No wonder Haas wants this match. He’s pissed that Kofi ended The World’s Greatest Tag Team! Or maybe that’s WWE subtly trying to convince me that every black guy in WWE is the same guy. Even Mark Henry. Lawler fails to make a Ghanarhea joke, but Kofi wins anyway. Do your seal clap! But wait! During Kofi’s seal clap, Paul Burchill (who apparently didn’t move after last segment) kicks Kofi in the back of the head. That’s for gaining independence in 1962! Or…uh…1957, I guess?

Backstage….

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am preparing for my MATCH!

Colin Delaney: I GOT OFF THE CEILING! WOOOO!

Colin does the Batista dance until Totally Not Jamal comes running through to chase him down again.

Batista: This is perfectly NORMAL!

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Deuce vs. Ted DiBiase Jr. vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Val Venis vs. John Bradshaw Leyfield vs. Jamie Knoble vs. Chuck Palumbo vs. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton vs. Kane vs. A Duck vs. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. Rory McAllister vs. John Cena
In a Fantastic Fourteenway for the Number One Contendership to the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Well-

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I have to say I’m a little disappointed that WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan didn’t get him some of this. And Paul London too. Is this a good point for me to mention how much I kind of miss Dave’s “I’m flexing all OVER!” entrance as opposed to his “I am pretending I have a GUN!” one? No? Ok. Maybe next week then. Everybody’s punching each other, and the ring clears out and only Cena, JBL, Batista, Kane and the duck are still in it. Damn. I had money on Rory. Well, there’s still time, I guess. Kane and JBL take turns throwing stairs at each other for a few minutes which is pretty fun.

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WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton has made his way back into the ring and dumps Cena with a power bomb to the outside, but Kane whips him into the crowd. Double Big Boot from Kane and JBL which is pretty fun. I’m honestly impressed that Bradshaw is even nearly that flexible that he can do that. Cole and Lawler a Adamlesque freakout over that move which lasts until the end of the match. Batista hits the Spear on Kane out of nowhere for the win! DAVE IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! Or…The Great American Bash. Which is kind of like Wrestlemania, I guess?

Dave rolls out and everybody files backstage, but Kane isn’t done. No. RAW’s overrun needs more Kane. He tosses WWE Time Keeper Mark Yeaton onto the announce table and demands to know “Is he alive or is he dead?!” Mark Yeaton, however, does not know the answer to this question. Lillian Garcia bails. I bet she knows. Bitch. Kane is still kind of pissed off though, so he grabs Michael Cole and tosses him into the ring. Kane loads up the Chokeslam, but Lawler makes the mistake of coming in to cheer him on. Kane drops Cole and blasts Jerry with a boot. Is it time for Lawler’s “Announcer Feud Tour” already?

RAW Satire Extra: Top 25 People On Kane’s Alive or Dead List!

25. Tupac
24. Nathan Petrelli
23. WWE RAW Referee Tim White
22. Colin Delaney
21. Matt Striker
20. Mr. Fuji
19. Tough Enough Jessie
18. Paul
17. Amy Whinehouse
16. Jeb Tennyson Lund
15. OnlineOnslaught.com
14. General Francisco Franco
13. Fidel Castro
12. Rob Zombie’s Living Dead Girl
11. Linda McMahon
10. Al Wilson
9. Charlie Haas
8. Jericho (The show, not the wrestler)
7. Jericho (The wrestler, not the show)
6. Mickie Knuckles
5. Abe Vigoda
4. Paul Bearer
3. The Undertaker
2. Vince McMahon
1. Chris Benoit

So maybe he was just checking on his dead pool.

Next Week: Is He Alive Or Is He Dead, the hottest new Game Show on USA! Robbie McAllister asks for, and is granted, a shot at the WWE Divas Title. Plus, I’m going to hire a Jamaican from Ghana to explain to me how Kofi Kingston can also be Shelton Benjamin.