Mike Adamle is on the entrance ramp and apparently, he got Todd Grisham’s glasses in the swap with ECW. Oh, Todd, I’m going to miss you, you little rapscallion! Try not to kill yourself in ECW!

Mike Adamle: It is my honor and privilege to welcome you to the first Monday Nitro of the Adamle Era and send my thanks out to

John Bradshaw Layfield: I’m beginning to worry that this isn’t exactly an improvement over just letting anybody who wanted to book matches. I mean…Look, I don’t know what you’re trying to pull out here exactly, but my wife is on the cover of Fortune Magazine! I do not deserve to be treated like some jackass in a cowboy hat!

Adamle: Breadsaw, I hear your complaints. I mean, as a fellow former pro-football player, and I use that term lightly for both of us, I’m sure you understand what I’m saying. It’s time to break the huddle! To rush the line of scrimmage! To put the ball into the score zone!

Bradshaw: I…er…what?

Chris Jericho: Football? That’s a fraud sport! Mike Adamle, I respect you as a man and as a general manager. The way that you accidentally called me “Chris Jello” that one time…That was great. I loved it. You remind me of a younger, skinnier Jim Ross. With that in mind, how about you cook me up a crazy WWE World Heavyweight Title Match for SummerSlam?

JBL: Hey! That’s not fair! You can’t just come out here and start asking for title matches!

Jericho: I’m a serious wrestler now, JBL. I can do whateeeeeeeever! Ahem. Whatever, I’d like.

JBL: Like hell you can! Adamle, tell him he can’t!

Adamle: Gentlemen, you both make very convincing arguments. To tell you the truth, I’ve been thinking a lot about who will be CM Luck’s opponent at Sumner Slam, and you two are at or near my list. So tonight, I’m booking a new kind of match! A handicapped match where the guy who pins the other guy wins a match with that third guy we were talking about at that show I just mentioned.

Jericho: That sounds…reasonable?

JBL: Wait a minute! What if Punk wins?

Adamle: Then he has to wrestle his most fiendish opponent yet! HIMSELF!

Jericho: Huh?

Adamle: Also tonight, I’m going to go ahead and book my favorite wrestler Jamaican Me Crazy Kofi in a match, and probably John Caesar and David “David” Davidson taking on The Tough Fries in a match. Yeah. That sounds like what’s written on this piece of paper.

JBL: …I hate Shane McMahon.

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Kofi Kingston vs. Paul Burchill (w/ Katie Lea Burchill)
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Kenji Fukui: Well, it looks like we’re back in action thanks to the work of Monday Night RAW’s General Manager Mike Adamle. I can’t say that I exactly missed doing WWE commentary, though.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I certainly didn’t miss sitting next to you. When did you take a shower last? Anyway, what’s going on here? Where’s the Iron Chef?

Fukui: I think Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters was fired almost a year ago for being on the juice.

Hatori: That’s funny, I thought juice was good for you. Unless you meant Juvi. Ew! That’s gross, Chris! Anyway, what’s the ingredient for this competition?

Fukui: Continuity!

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-San!

Fukui: I missed this! Go ahead!

Ohta: Do you know any hot Jamaican Dance moves?

Fukui: Uh…No.

Ohta: Damn. Because all I’ve picked up is the Thunder Clap.

Hatori: Oh, that’s a nasty one. I know a good doctor over on Sepulveda who can get you something for it though.

Fukui: And Kingston wins with a kick to the head! He is Shelton! But wait…what’s this?

Ohta: A new challenger appears!

Hatori: It’s Alexis Laree and she wants her some of Katie Lea! And I don’t blame her on this one!

Fukui: What is this? ECW?

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Katie Lea Burchill vs. Alexis Laree
For the WWE Women’s Title

Oh, man! Freddie Prinze Jr. is all “Screw feuds!” tonight. What’s the over/under on Nicholas Brendan and Matthew Lillard fighting over Rachel Lee Cook by the time Wrestlemania rolls around? And John Morrison is WWE Champion. Somewhere, you just know Vince Russo is watching this, eyes agog. I guess Kofi and Paul chased each other backstage so that they didn’t have to be involved at all in any of this nonsense. Alexis wins with the Evenflow, so we can move on to another feud in time for Summerslam. One against say…Beth Phoenix. Who is out in the ring attacking Alexis right now. Funny how that works out. Santino Marella grabs Beth’s ass afterwards.

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Hey remember 1997? When it used to be cool to watch wrestling? Well WWE 24/7 will never let you forget!!

Backstage….

Mike Adamle: Yeah! Hey, thanks for talking to me on this prop cell phone, Stephan! Congratulations on little Murphy Brown by the way! I’m sure Aurora Borealis will be so happy to have a sister! Hold on, I’m being interrupted by Sandiego Martell and Bess Phonics. Nice talking to you too!

Santino Marella: Mike-a Adamle! It-a is a pleasure-a to finally meet-a you! I want-a the Intercontinental title-a!

Beth Phoenix: And I want the women’s title!

Adamle: That sounds like a heck of an idea for a sitcom! Sandiego, I can’t grant you your request, because…Well…I love Jamaican Me Crazy Kofi too damn much. But I’ll go you one better. What if I put you two in a match against those two, and the winning team gets their pick of titles! You can even take the Light Heavyweight Title if you want!

Santino: I can-a see it now-a! Santino Marella-a, WWE Women’s-a Champion!

Beth: Beth Phoenix! Intercontinental Champion!

Santino: You-a have yourself-a a deal, whoever-a you are-a!

Adamle: What? I stopped paying attention as soon as you started talking again. Is that unibrow glued on there? That’s…impressive!

Meanwhile, a video package highlighting John Cena’s search for brains airs. Batista watches pensively.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I do not know what pensively MEANS!

Todd Grisham: Look it up in your dictionary, Dave. It means thoughtfully. You’re supposed to be brooding over having to team with John Cena. Mostly because your desire to win the WWE World Tag Team Titles outweighs your desire to beat him up. Why? I don’t know.

Batista: I do not want to join the BROOD! The Undertaker scares ME!

Grisham: You and me both, sister.

Batista: You got traded to ECW!

Grisham: I know. I just came by to say goodbye to Tough Enough Jessie.

Tough Enough Jessie: Oh, Todd! I can’t leave you! I want to be with you for eternity!

Grisham: Well, I know one way we can be sure of that, my love.

Todd Grisham drinks a glass of poison. Todd Grisham has fallen.

T.E. Jessie: Uh…did I say eternity? I meant…On the same show.

Batista: SNIFF! Truly this was true LOVE!

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAAAAAAH!

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Layla El is dancing around in the ring, which is how you know Mike Adamle is in charge. You know how we can tell Freddie Prinze Jr.’s in charge? How about this backstage segment!

Jamie Noble: Layla, I’m real glad you’re my girlfriend now, and I’m proud to announce that exclusively on WWE.com.

Layla: I can’t believe I’ve sunk so low. Do you know, I used to hang out with Miz and Morrison! Miz and Morrison! How the hell did I get stuck palling around with Jamie Noble?!

Noble: Because I’m that damn good, baby! Hey, wait! Aren’t you supposed to be British?

Layla: Well…yes….

Noble: Then where’s your sexy accent?!

Back in the ring….

Layla: Whew…Dancing sure is hard!

William Regal: Hello, yes. It’s me! King William Regal! And dancing certainly is hard. What’s the point of having exclusive WWE.com content if it makes it onto the regular show anyway? But never mind that. I have a big announcement to make-

Then Jamie Noble runs in and starts fighting with Regal. What the hell was his big announcement going to be? Maybe it’s that all the British people are going to take over RAW. The Burchills already got a nice start on that tonight. I don’t get this feud for Noble though. Regal is definitely not bald. Unless they do a hair vs. hair match! Ooooooh!

Meanwhile, CM Punk is wandering around backstage looking for no drugs.

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Apparently, Lance Cade couldn’t be here tonight, because otherwise the ending wouldn’t make any sense. Err…I mean…he was busy playing Jenga backstage with Paul London. 

In any event, you can tell Jericho’s for real about taking wrestling more seriously, because he’s wrestling in briefs this week instead of pants. That’s how a real man does it, Chris! I do like the addition of a clock to the screen because now I can stop paying attention until that sucker hits 30 seconds or so, because nothing will happen before that. And sure enough, at about 30 seconds, JBL starts flopping around, and Jericho has Punk Locked in the walls. However, quick thinking Bradshaw turns the crank which swings the boot, which knocks a marble into the shoot, which hit’s a man into the pan, so Bradshaw rolls Punk up for the win. Bradshaw is going to Summerslam! Jericho can’t believe that actually worked.

Elsewhere, Shawn Michaels’ eye looks just fine. What a wuss!

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And now, a word with Shawn Michaels.

Shawn Michaels: Yeah, so my eye doesn’t hurt any more, apparently. Everything’s cool now, I guess. But I think, at Summerslam, I’m going to fly in there and retire during Chris Jericho’s match…if he even has one. Just to mess with him. Then, for three months, you won’t hear anything from me. Then, around Survivor Series, I’m going to show up and announce my intention to return and ask that WWE grant me my release. WWE’s going to say that TNA tampered with me because I called Jeff Jarrett and Sting, but they’ve got no evidence. Then I’m going to go ahead and show up at Survivor Series anyway. It’s going to be painfully awkward for everybody involved. Especially the guy they have tapped to replace me: Charlie Haas.

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Striker is just getting into his little speech about how, now that Internet Heat is gone, he’s got nowhere to wrestle when Kane comes out and beats the crap out of him. I’m not sure if this makes Mike Adamle a face or a heel though. I’m going to say face, because even he realizes that RAW needs a little more Kane. Although, he probably thinks that RAW needs a little more Crane. So, expect a huge bird or Kelsey Grammer to appear on next week’s show. After the match, Kane grabs a mic and announces that “He is dead!” I’m not sure Kane’s really been following the Morgan Freeman news very accurately. You can’t count Wikipedia as your source, dude!

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Backstage, Zombie John Cena is dining on Todd Grisham’s brain.

Zombie John Cena: All this poison kind of taints the experience.

Tough Enough Jessie: How dare you eat the brains of my only friend on this show, Zombie John Cena! WAAAAAH! Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for a match right now anyway?

Cena: You mean my improbable tag team champions match with Batista? Where we win the titles and then spend the next two months fighting and looking longingly at each other while my buddies in Cryme Tyme get sad that I beat them to the punch? You mean that match?

T.E. Jessie: Err…yes?

Cena: Even Jack Tunney’s Ghost can see that we’re going to win no matter what preparation I do.

T.E. Jessie: I couldn’t see that! WAAAAAAAH!

Cena: BRAAAAAAAINS!

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Backstage….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Wow…this RAW hasn’t sucked. Well played, Mr. Adamle!

Mike Adamle: Oh, Karly, so naïve. Soon, I will redefine the meaning of the word suck! But first, we must find out what’s in Ken’s Burlap Sack of Doom! You and I together! What do you say?

Kelly: Uh…Sure?

Zombie John Cena and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. The Tough Guys
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Wow, I don’t think I could’ve guessed this time last year that Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase would be main eventing a RAW. Somewhere, Harry Smith and Teddy Hart are crying themselves to sleep. This could’ve been you! Actually, I’m pretty sure Harry Smith doesn’t even exist and Teddy Hart is out punching somebody in the face, but still. This could’ve been them! Also somewhere, Michelle McCool is teaching Natalya Neidhart how to do the Sharpshooter, so…the universe kind of evens itself out. Dave hurts his shoulder from beating these nerds up so bad.

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Cena tags in when we come back and he’s a house of fire for about thirteen seconds before Ted DiBiase hits him in the back of the head. That’s the zombie’s weakness! That and Fanta. Don’t ask me why. Anyway, Cody and Ted trade off sleepers for a while, which is pretty hilarious, but when Cena makes it to the corner, Dave is too busy reading this month’s Highlights to tag in. What trouble will Goofus and Gallant get into next? Finally, John just slaps Batista in lieu of a tag, and he and Dave clean house to win the titles. Afterwards, both guys decide to flex and show the titles for an hour while Dr. Hatori and Fukui-san watch the season finale of American Gladiators.

Next Week: Ooooh, how can Batista and Cena EVER coexist?! Plus, Mike Adamle and Kelly Kelly Kelly investigate the secrets of Kane’s sack. Also, Chris Jericho walks around in his underpants.