Hey! I was at this show! Live! You can almost see me on TV in this one part, but then you totally can’t! So, tonight I’ll actually be able to give you some insight into what happened during the show. Or maybe I won’t. I spent half the night trying to identify the referees by their haircuts, after all.

(Not Opening Credits)

This is what we “in the biz” like to call a “Dark Match.” I don’t know if D’Lo should be offended by that or not. D’Lo’s crazy over in Minnesota though. Dolph has an entrance video too, but it’s mostly of him just staring off into space and smiling. There was no Spirit Squad footage they could steal? And I think he stole Evan Bourne’s current entrance music, which has to be awkward. Dolph introduces himself to the crowd. Then he introduces himself to D’Lo. That’s his move!

Lillian advises the crowd to scream real loud. She does not, however, say the secret word. (Pudding…AAAAAAH!) I may have been on TV at this point, which is sad and disconcerting. You don’t want your 15 minutes of fame to be during the ad break right before Ice T shoots a serial killer on Law and Order, you know?

(Opening Credits)

All right! Live Honk-a-Meter! He’s only a year and change away from winning! Thankfully, we’re fast approaching the time of year when WWE forgets it even has an Intercontinental Title! Beth Phoenix refuses to sing my copy of her new manga. Bitch. Anyway, Santino displays, via a graph, that The Tista has the functional brain capacity of an awfully slow goat, and Dave proudly proclaims that his head weighs eight pounds. Then he hits the OSPREY BOMB TO SANTINO~! for the win. I can’t believe I’m missing Heroes for this. Beth gets onto the apron to sign Dave’s copy of her new manga (BITCH!), but JBL cockblocks him with a Clothesline from Hell. Hahaha! Take that, jerks! Holy crap, you guys! You should see Bradshaw’s boobs live. He could rent those things out for skiing this winter. I wonder if he’s lost enough money now that he’d be open to a business proposal.

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Do you feel a strange presence here in the arena? Like…a foreboding darkness that threatens to destroy us all?

Shawn Michaels: Todd, I feel like that every day of my life.

Grisham: All right, well, you and Triple H are-

Michaels: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Todd! Who said anything about me and Triple H? It’s me and a mystery partner! Who will it be? OoooOOooOO!

Grisham: It’s Triple H.

Michaels: Maybe it’ll be Hulk Hogan! Or Sean Cold Val Venis! Or Bret “The Hitman” Hart! Did you ever think about that, Todd?

Grisham: No. I didn’t.

Michaels: Or maybe it’ll be the toughest superstar in WWE History, Tough Enough Jessie!

Grisham: But it’s going to be Triple H, right?

Michaels: Yeah.

Tough Enough Jessie: I already put my gear on! WAAAAAAAAAH!

(ads - Hey! Video packages. Awesome. I don’t get enough of these watching RAW at home. Instead of paying attention. I play guess the referee wandering around the stage area. Hi WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton!)

This feud is still going on. They’re playing soundless clips from WWE.com on the Titantron for us. At least I don’t have to pretend to listen to them. Cryme Tyme is incredibly popular in the state of Minnesota. The Miz is also, for some reason. Maybe it’s the hat. Yes, it’s probably the hat. Shad and Morrison brawl on the outside, which distracts JTG enough that Miz can hit him with a neck breaker for the win. Man, that move is even tamer in real life. After the match, everybody just kind of files out one after the other, which is always fun to see. I kind of hoped they’d at least give each other the finger or something.

Backstage….

Jamie Knoble: Jillian, do you ever feel like forces are controlling every facet of your life?

Jillian Hall: Jamie, if anybody’s controlling my life, he’s really boring and that’s really depressing.

Knoble: Look, whatever, do you and your boobs want to help me in a match tonight?

Jillian: What in the world would possess you to believe that I would want to tag with you?

Knoble: I’m just working my way through every female in the company. I even got Layla an angle on RAW!

Jillian: Well, as interesting as that might be, I actually already have a match. It was announced on WWE.com. Didn’t you see it?

Knoble: We have a website?!

Dolph Ziggler: Hi. I’m Dolph Ziggler.

Knoble: So?

Ziggler: That’s…all I’ve got. Laters.

Jillian: Was that Spirit Squad Nicky?!

(ads - Todd Grisham hates reading people’s signs during commercial breaks. Hates it. He even blows off Harley Race’s Grandson, who was helpfully holding up a sign that said “Harley Race’s Grandson.” Todd does take the opportunity to grab one particularily sturdy looking sign and behead himself though. Todd Grisham has fallen.)

Minnesota loves them some Alexis too. William Regal and Layla El come out to watch the match. Why aren’t they paying me to do this too? I could sit onstage and look like a vampire for at least $50 a night less than Regal does. Honestly, I kind of love Katie Lea and Paul. Their matching outfits, their stupid mismatched gloves, their accents. Best couple ever. EVER! The crowd spends the next twenty minutes cheering for Alexis’ ass. Yeah, me too. Woo for girls! Jamie locks in Finisher #351 (Arm-BAR) for the win. I take everything I said about Paul back, because he’s pretty weak. Katie’s still cool though. Yay girls!

(ads - Man, WWE has video packages for everything. Did you know that Smackdown isn’t going to be on The CW anymore? How will we justify our Luke Perry cameos now?!)

Backstage….

Cody Rhodes: Ok, gang, we’re going to figure out this mysterious evil force if it kills us all. I think it’s probably coming from this way.

Ted DiBiase Jr.: Why do you say that?

Cody: Because there’s all kinds of weird, evil red lights over here and another camera down this way.

Manu: Oh yeah, let’s go over and investigate these evil red lights. That’s a really fantastic idea. You guys are really idiots you know that? Second generation superstars my ass.

Cody: Shhh! We’re almost at the red lights! Let me do the talking, Manu. Your Samoan might confuse him.

Manu: Wha-Oh, give me a break. Have I spoken anything but English since I’ve been here?

DiBiase: Shhh!

Rhodes: Evil being, welcome to earth. Please stop controlling our universe and making us do stupid things.

Manu: Uh…I don’t think it’s some mystic force that’s making you stupid.

Kane: He’s right, gentlemen. I don’t believe any mystic force controls my destiny. Especially not an force in this arena. But even if it does, think about it. Wouldn’t it support a little more Kane?

Rhodes: Wait…Kane? What are you doing back here in this dark, evil hallway?

Manu: Are you really that stupid?

Kane: Nah, it’s ok. I’m here filming my hot new show for WWE.com. It’s going to be awesome.

DiBiase: You have your own WWE.com talk show?!

Kane: Of course. Everybody’s got one. Everybody…but you guys I guess. Sorry.

Rhodes: Hey do you want to be our tag team partner tonight?

Kane: Not really.

DiBiase: :Pleeeeeeease?

Kane: Oh, fine. Whatever.

Out on stage, here’s Lance Cade. It’s amazing how little anybody cares. I think the entire arena went up to get popcorn right at this moment.

Lance Cade: Where are you guys going? Aw man! Guys? It’s time for my big promo! Guys! Come back! I promise it won’t suck!

Then I left to get some popcorn. I think he kept talking for a while about how Chris Jericho is awesome and Shawn Michaels is going to lose at No Mercy, but I don’t know. Maybe he talked about how much he misses Trevor Murdoch or something.

(ads - Here’s a video package of celebrity guest appearance son RAW. Sadly, my appearance from that commercial break an hour ago didn’t make the clips. Maybe next year!)

If anybody’s screaming out for an Internet TV show it’s Manu and The Tough Guys. Maybe some kind of internet cop drama. Oh man! That’s awesome. Ok, overness check for this match. CM Punk? Over. Rey Misterio? Super over. Evan Bourne? Uh…not so much. Kofi Kingston? Everybody loves the Thunder Clap. Manu and the Tough Guys? Nobody cares. Kane? The most awesome thing ever, apparently. Seriously, that guy has been kicking the head of that six year old for a month now, and everybody still loves him. Kane can do no wrong. The faces all backflip out of the ring while the heels look on in confused terror.

(ads)

During the break, Kofi wrestled for literally about a tenth of a second before tagging out to Evan Bourne who immediately got put into a ten minute headlock by Cody Rhodes. Well, at least they’re learning something from Randy Orton. Things kind of go crazy go nuts for a little while as everybody just starts kind of hopping around the ring in their opponents’ general directions, then Kofi goes nuts for a few seconds, but Kane ends all this nonsense pretty quickly with a choke slam for the win. That’s why Kane is awesome and you’re not…anybody else in this match.

(ads - Jerry Lawler hosts the “Kiss Cam” which is kind of disappointing. They get two goony looking older people to make out, much to the amused disgust of that bitch Lillian Garcia.)

Mike Adamle is out. Truly, the live moment I’ve been waiting all night for!

Mike Adamle: It’s great to be here in Minnetonka, on this the very eve of UFC No Marcy. And as I promised Crane on his exclusive WWE Talk Show, his match against Rey Misterio on Sunday will be a hair versus mask match. If Rey loses, then Kane gets to take his mask an reveal Rey to be the six years old boy we already know him to be, because we all totally watched WWW back when that was still around. And if Kane loses, then Rey gets to shave him bald!

Randy Orton: Adam Mikely, truly madly, deeply, you hath made an impromptu match! I’m surprised it didn’t come from the very thong of Shawn Michaels himself. But let me make something very clean to you, Adam, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and vertifyable toward generalization superstud, do not deserve to be teetered like this!

Adam: Ranky! What ever do you mean?

Orton: Last week, on the insistance of Mr. McMichaels, you refused to suspend my arch-nermalsis, CP Munk! That caused me no amount of streps! So I’m here in Metropolis to demote that you take acetone!

John Bradshaw Layfield: Hold on! I have something way more important to discuss than whether or not some injured guy is going to be able to feud with some other guy. Namely, what the hell am I supposed to be doing?! How can my gimmick be “Stock Market Guru” when the stock market just crashed?!

Then Batista comes out from the crowd and Spears him. What a jerk!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am a JERK!

See what putting him on Iron Chef did? It gave him a major complex! Backstage, Santino is on the phone.

Santino Marella: I’d-a like a large-a stuffed crust-a pepperoni with-a green olives-a and a little-a bit of-a the sausage-a!

Beth Phoenix: HOLD IT! Santino are you ordering food behind my back again?

Marella: No-a! I’m calling-a the gay-a chat line-a! I want-a a little-a of the sausage-a! Eh? Eh-a? You can-a leave it-a by the back-a door! Eh-a?

Beth: Anyway, I’ve got a match now. So I’ll see you later.

Marella: I’ll-a come out there-a with you-a!

Beth: Won’t your pizza get cold?

Marella: Oooh, yes-a! I mean-a…No-a! Of course-a not!

Beth: Just stay back here. Sorry, but you kind of suck.

Marella: Try-a not to get-a injured or-a suspended like-a you always-a do!

(ads - This ad break was consumed almost entire of the crowd commenting on the size of JBL’s boobs as he slooooowly jiggled his way up the ramp.)

Sadly, we didn’t get to hear Jillian sing. That pretty much would’ve made my night. The most over person in the match? Kelly. And it wasn’t even close. Nice to see the two girls getting pushed are so popular. I did kind of appreciate Kelly’s bouncing around on the apron. I honestly cannot tell if this commentary that I’m doing right now is a shameless ploy to get Rick to associate that picture of Kelly in her underwear with my column again or not. Boobsie falls asleep on the apron, so Beth rolls through a Kelly pin attempt and drops her on her pretty face for the win. That would’ve been a lot cooler if Beth was strong enough to get Kelly up by herself.

(ads - What, no Extreme Expose dancing? I want my Nitro Girls! Deuce comes to the ring, causing us all to wonder whether or not they can do a dark match in the middle of RAW.)

Everybody is in immediate agreement that The Great Charli is pretty much the greatest thing ever. Though, to be totally honest? I thought they missed a golden opportunity trotting Charlie HHHaas out with Shawn Michaels. Haas gets on the mic and makes Runjin translate a lot of fun facts about India. I never knew that curry was nutritious! It always makes me feel like hell. Anyway, Haas tries all his Khali-based offense to limited success (even though he’s wrestling friggin’ Deuce here), so he snaps and whips out some Haas offense (Haasfense?) and picks up the victory after a flying clothesline. It’s the night of horrible finishers! After the match, The real Great Khali comes out to karate chop Haas in the face, but you can kind of tell that he doesn’t actually mean it. The big guy has a heart after all!

(ads - Did they already tape Christmas in Iraq? Because I don‘t remember Jericho on the last one.)

Jericho and Cade are out. Yay! Wait, I mean “Boo!” Jericho is the biggest heel alive, apparently.

Chris Jericho: You know, on Sunday I’m going to be fighting Shawn Michaels in a ladder match, and I don’t know how many of you have been in a ladder match before, but it’s pretty brutal. In fact, I needed a whole bunch of stitches after my ladder match at the Royal Rumble a few years ago against Chr-

Lance Cade: Hey, do you want to see me do some tricks with this ladder? Look at me!

Jericho: No. Not really. What was I talking about a gain?

Cade angrily starts throwing the ladder around the outside of the ring, nearly nailing some drunk dude in the face, which would have been awesome.

Jericho: Right. Well, whatever. The important thing to know is that, Shawn, unlike you I don’t believe in some all powerful mystical force in this arena controlling my destiny. And just to prove how little I think of this mysterious power, I’m going to walk under this ladder!

Chris Jericho walks under the ladder and is immediately assaulted by a gaggle of geese. That’ll teach him to mess with forces unknown.

(ads - During this ad break, I kid you not, Chris Jericho re-performed his entire entrance)

When we come back, Shawn Michaels scrambles backstage to bring out his partner and it’s…TRIPLE H!?! NO WAY!!!

Ok, I’ll be man enough to admit that, even though I knew it was coming, I still marked out like a twelve years old girl when I heard the DX theme. DX is still in “trying to put over Shawn Michaels’ kids” mode, so they’re bumping around like crazy for Cade and barely selling for Jericho. It’s especially cute when Hunter does it for The Brian Kendrick over on that other show. Hunter goes crazy with knees to everybody for a few minutes, but Jericho finally gets a move in (the Codebreaker) to break that up. Then he and Lance pile onto Shawn, which draws a DQ from WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiike Chioda. That was kind of a crap call there, Mike. After the match, Jericho and Cade grab the ladder, but Hunter grabs the sledgehammer, and if you’ve ever played Backyard Stratego, you know that sledgehammer > ladder. He breaks his hand hitting Cade with the hammer, and then Shawn loads up a super kick and a big splash from the top, leaving Jericho to wander up the entrance ramp pondering how much it must suck to be Lance Cade.

After the Show:

Shawn and Hunter posed for a while, and then did their DX schpiel with the requisite hilarious asides from Hunter. Then they pointed at their crotches and spent a half hour hugging every fan within five rows of ringside.

I’m still at the arena waiting for that Rey Misterio/Shawn Michaels vs. Kane/Chris Jericho match they promised me on TV for the past month. I need more Kane.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: So, if Shawn Michaels gets the last say on Lance Cade, does he still job to Jericho? Also, Charlie Haas dresses as Tazz and somehow makes it onto Smackdown’s commentary team. And CM Punk gets to appear behind Jeff Hardy in a backstage segment. We swear we’re still pushing him! See?!