(Opening Credits)

Hey, would you like to see 90% of last night’s main event? Because here it is. Chris Jericho is out and he looks kind of pissed off. Wrestling is serious business, folks. And Chris Jericho is not letting you forget it.

Chris Jericho: Ok, you guys, let me get something off my chest. I don’t care if you don’t want me to be WWE World Heavyweight Champion. I really don’t. But, Batista?! Really, guys? That overgrown four year old is the best that you could come up with? I spend five months beating Shawn Michaels, only to come up short against Batista? It really is time you all learned to start treating wrestling like serious business, or we’re all going to end up in the poor house. Well…Not me. I’ve got my own show on VH1. But the rest of you will. Ugh…This company is one short bus I’d love to drive off a cliff.

Mike Adamle: Chad, I understand your concern. Let’s face it, Cybertronday wasn’t exactly a banner Pay Per View for anybody, unless your name was Rod Maskedterrior, and let’s face it, nobody is named Rod Maskedterrior. But I have a plan that will help us combat lousy baseball playoffs and lame duck NFL games where the featured star is Kelly Colmans.

Jericho: I can’t tell if I should ask what this plan is or not.

Adamle: It’s really simple, Chad. Next week, you and The Manimal The Tista will square off in a STEELED CAGE MATCH! That way there will be no interference by Shane McMichaels, no run-ins with Steve Cold Au Gratin, and definitely not any kicks to the head from one Ranky Q. Morgan.

Jericho: I really, really didn’t want to know about this plan. Whatever. I’m out.

Randy Orton: Did someone envouge my name? It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy!

Adamle: My foil! Good day, Sir Mogan. I say it again: Good Day!

Orton: It hast indeed been a fine evering, Adam. But I want to know why Steam Awesome wasn’t suspendered for giving me the Cold Stone Stunner last night? You know what the rule is! No Touching the Morgan!

Adamle: Actually, Ranky, he was suspended. You’ll just never know it.

Orton: Good! I was all prepaid to come out here and call you a lousy dad!

Adamle: I do not have lice!

Adamle punches Orton. Good shot!

Orton: I hope you were watching that Shawn and Steppenwolf! Suspender this guy too!

In Stamford, CT….

Shane McMahon: I swear, I feel like we should at least be tuning into the show. What if somebody’s talking to us?

Stephanie McMahon: Shaaaaaaaaaaane, do you remember what happened the last time we tuned into RAW?

Shane: We came in right during that Boobsie match. Ugh.

Stephanie: Exactly. Nobody’s talking to us. Now did you turn your cell phone off?

Shane: Of course. Let’s see what’s on TV. Ooh! Kristen Bell is going to be on Heroes!

Elsewhere, Kofi and CM Punk are walking around. What could a guy from Jamaica and a straight edger possibly have in common?

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Kofi Kingston and CM Punk vs. The Tough Guys (w/ Manu)
For the WWE Tag Team Tiles

I still do love Kofi’s theme song. It just makes me want to get up and do the Thunder Clap. I am Shelton! Is he still the U.S. Champion? I don’t even…know. Does that make me a bad person? If you’re ever wondering what my thought process is during a match, throughout this whole contest, I was thinking that I’d pay to see these five put on a stage version of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Think of that whatever you will. They could use Kofi’s ring gear! I can’t shake the feeling, though, that Punk’s probably a terrible singer, and of course, he’d have to be Joseph. So maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all.

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Russian legsweep by Cody, and that’s kind of a dick move, seeing as that’s his partner’s finisher. I mean, I know you’re a heel, but show a modicum of decorum. Whoa, I think I just figured out the title to the next Bond film. Daniel Craig in: 007 A Modicum of Decorum. It’s just him and Judy Dench running around a Thai beach in pasties for 90 minutes. Sorry if I spoiled it for you. Still better than Timothy Dalton, though. Oh, you people and your “matches.” Punk hits the GTS on DiBiase and picks up the win. We’ve got new tag team champions, and in a month or so, we’ll finally remember who they are!

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Giving Charlie Haas boobs is certainly inspired, but you can’t even come up with a good name for him here. Anyway, commentator rundown for this match! Rowdy Roddy Piper? Still completely out of his mind. Goldust: Couldn’t care less that they dragged his ass out of TNA’s basement again to collect a paycheck. I guess his dad didn’t teach him to be more grateful. Honky Tonk Man: Savoring this mini-comeback like a fine, bitter wine. Santino gets on the mic to insult their hilarious stupidity, and you can already see Honky’s brain wring his blog in his hair. So Honky runs into the ring and decks Santino with the guitar, while Piper tries desperately to get through this segment without going off on a twenty minute rant about “The Sickness” and Goldust gropes his own nipples. Old people win!

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Michael Cole is in the ring with Batista.

Michael Cole: Dave, last night, you won the Heavyweight Championship of the World.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I like to win BELTS!

Cole: So, what did you think of your match at Cyber Sunday.

Batista: I am HAPPY! Batista equals WORKRATE!

Cole: And what about your match with Jericho next week? Inside of a 30 foot high steel cage?

Batista: I do not like CAGES! I am a MANIMAL!

Cole: I think I’ve wrung about as much as I’m ever going to out of this interview. Here are the closing thoughts of The Tista.

Batista: I am catching up to Ric FLAIR!

Backstage, a bunch of girls are text messaging their BFFs about this total hottie they just saw at Applebees. OMG! GTFO!

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Stephanie McMahon: Ok, fine. We’ll just turn it on here and see what’s going on.

Shane McMahon: Aw…dammit.

At Cyber Sunday, Katie Lea dressed up like a vampire, which pretty much proves that all British people are vampires. I like that Alexis won the costume contest with the most boring, played out, unrevealing costume of the night. The rest of the women must be so pissed. Everybody gets a few seconds to run through their “offense” before Kelly hits the Fameasser for the win. I guess this way they’ve blown through all the girls in one night though. Now they don’t even have to bother on the “anniversary” show next week. Which is good, because Shane and Stephanie have to watch that one.

Backstage….

John Bradshaw Layfield: You know what? Screw this show. I’m never going to win the title from Batista. That guy always beats me. Why does this company hate me so much? My back is killing me. I guess I shouldn’t bitch too much, because at least I’m making more money to lose on the stock market, but damn, guys. Really.

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Before the match, Todd Grisham kills himself botching a Shooting Star Press. Todd Grisham has fallen, but that was pretty awesome. I’m somewhat distraught by the fact that Evan Bourne looks genuinely excited to be in this match. I guess he just hasn’t learned the horrible disappointment of being associated with Monday Night RAW yet. I am glad that WWE found its answer to AJ Styles, though. I was wondering what we’d do without a generic brunette Indy high flyer. Ring of Honor needs more Kane. OH! Maybe he could be their new booker. Could you imagine how awesome that would be?!

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I’m still practically vibrating with excitement over the prospects. Jimmy Jacobs can chokeslam everybody. Jimmy Jacobs is still in Ring of Honor, right? He and Lacey are the only people on that roster that I know. I’m not very…up to date. Anyways, Rey and Evan work through a series of backflips that would make (obscure Japenese wrestler here) weep, and then Bourne kicks Rey in the head. Well, that wasn’t very polite. This match has been going on for just about the right amount of time, so Misterio wins with a roll-up (That’s His Move!). After the match, Kane comes out to ask Evan about getting the Ring of Honor job, but then Mark Henry waddles out and destroys Bourne and Rey. Kane frowns at Mizzark’s misunderstanding of his intentions, but then laughs because he likes seeing people get beat up. I love it when Kane’s happy.

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When John Cena was a baby, he used to lock other babies in the STFU and steal their milk. True story. Ok, not really, but any excuse to truck out John Cena’s Dad again, I guess.

John Morrison and The Miz are on the stage. Those guys have their own TV show on WWE.com, you know!

John Morrison: Last week, for no apparent reason whatsoever, we mentioned DX in a promo. Well, now we’re fighting DX next week on RAW’s 805th anniversary show. Weird how that works out, huh? So, bedazzle your abs and join us, when a totally not planned or anything collision between two of the most irritating tag teams in WWE History runs wild on Monday Night RAW.

Mike Mizanin: Check it, my hat lights up!

Backstage, The Tista is eating a donut. Carbs are for winners!

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But wait! Before the match can get started JBL attacks Shawn backstage and knocks him out. Odds on him suddenly getting well enough to make a hot tag in about ten minutes? 2:1. I’ve got money riding on “The Detroit Lions?” That can’t be right. Anyway, Dave beats up both guys, of course. Partly because he is The Tista, after all, but mostly because he’s a big jerk. “Look how I can beat both top HEELS! I am better than THEM!” He seems to be saying. Except he wouldn’t say “heels” probably because Dave’s totally into Kayfabe. Just like Madonna.

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Bradshaw’s got a CHINLOCK~! locked in on Dave when we come back. Somehow, Batista fights his way out of this harrowing predicament. Jericho hits a Codebreaker a few seconds later, but doesn’t even bother going for the cover. Either he sees the writing on the wall here, or he’s got money riding on the Michaels run-in. He gets his wish, a few seconds later when Shawn comes prancing out. Damn. I really had my hopes set on Calvin Johnson. Sorry, that’s the only Detroit Lion I could come up with on short notice. Shawn basically just wanders around for a while, and Batista gets a OSPREY BOMB TO JBL for the win. Chris Jericho looks…actually he doesn’t look like he even cares, so that’s nice.

Next Week: It’s THREE HOURS of action, which means that I’ll probably only pay attention to about twenty minutes of it. Shane and Stephanie make their triumphant return to RAW only to see Kelly Kelly Kelly and turn right back around and go home. Also, Chris Jericho weeps openly for one of the three hous.