(Opening Credits)

Three hours of this? Ugh. What are we celebrating? The Satireversary, again? Oh, never mind. It’s the 806th Episode Celebration! Always a huge milestone, that 806th episode. Anyway, Randy Orton is out and surely he has nothing to say. Let’s hear it.

Randy Orton: I am broad, and I hate Adam Mikely, so I’m going to watch this snow in protects.

Wow. The Spanky is serious business. If he were still with us today, Chris Jericho would be proud. I always knew Paul London was the boring one in that tag team. He looked like that Mac guy. Remember when they said, “Oh, man! This is the final time the Hardyz are going to team up ever! EVER!“ And then they teamed up, like 100 more times, including the very next week? Yeah. Those were the days. I have absolutely nothing to say about MVP, other than that I like his entrance music and his jumpsuit. It takes a man with a lot of guts and bad tattoos to wear a nylon jumpsuit. The Spanky and Ezekiel get tired of this nonsense and leave, and the Hardyz get the pin on MVP.

Remember Bobby Heenan? How about Todd Pettingill? No? Ok then!

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William Regal, Abe Orton, Jamie Knoble, Manu, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Some Ducks, Shad Gaspard and JTG
In a Battle Royal for a Shot at the Intercontinental Title

Guys, the Intercontinental Title isn’t that big a deal. Even Santino knows this. He’s on commentary, by the way, along with Beth Phoenix. They’re arguing about whether or not to adopt Trucy, I think. She’s a magician! Do it! I’m disturbed by the lack of Kane in this match. Battle Royals always need more Kane. And where’s Paul Burchill, anyway? Manu and the Tough Guys battle it out for a few minutes, leading to Ted DiBiase pretty much eliminating everybody. Ted wins! Money really can buy you everything! But wait! William Regal had turned into a bat and flown up to the rafters during the match, and now he’s back in the ring! Regal tosses DiBiase! That’s his move! Regal wins! Layla looks thrilled! William looks…tired.

Shane and Stephanie McMahon have shown up in their limo. Wow. Who’d have thunk it?

Stephanie McMahon: So why the hell did we agree to show up here again?

Shane McMahon: Yo! Sis! We’re here to celebrate RAW’s 806th episode! That’s way cooler than the 751st or the 222nd!

Stephanie: I really hate you sometimes, you know that?

Shane: Do I ever! I hope we missed the women’s match!

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Remember when Vince bought WCW? And then fired everybody? Best decision of his career!

Orton’s back in the ring.

Randy Orton: Shawn Michaels! Get out here! I want to complain about Adam Mikely! My hearth is in jeopardy every week! Doesn’t anyone care for my shudder?! Dammit, I’m Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, and former holster of the WVU Girl’s Chocolate Chip.

Shane McMahon: Yoyoyoyoyoyoyo! What are you talking about? Mike Adamle has been a great General Manager! I haven’t had to watch the show in weeks! This thing has gotten so boring that I don’t have to worry about missing football, and he’s so ineffective that nobody but you is complaining about his inability to lead other than you. He’s the perfect GM!

Orton: But he hiiiiiiit meeeeeeee!

Mike Adamle: Guys, I haven’t really been into this job lately. This is nothing like American Gladiators! You don’t even have a season finale! I’m going to go back to Chicago to host a crappy weekly sports show. Laters.

Shane: Did I just get quit on? I have to admit, this stings worse than Super Crazy.

Orton: God, I loved Super Porky.

Shane: Me too, actually. So, hey, are you watching election coverage?

Obama: No, Shawn. I can’t stand Therock Olestra or Jim Kane.

Kane: Ron Paul ‘08!

Shane: You know, it’s funny, I’ve been watching election coverage on RNN, and they say that, with 100% of precincts reporting, your shoulder is totally healed.

Orton: Well, yeah, until I breaker it, again.

Kane: That was a long way to go to make that joke, you guys.

Shane: Whatever! You’re wrestling, tonight, Randy! And find out where MVP gets his outfits. Those tattoos look horrible.

Orton: I didn’t like my arms!

(ads)

Hey! It’s President Barack Obama, doing what all presidents should do and appearing on a Wrestling show and doing catchphrases.

Ha! Charlie Haas is the greatest entertainer in the history of our great sport. Vladamir Kozlov looks kind of like a rejected model for a character in Grand Theft Auto IV. Or maybe “rejected Bond Villain.” Come on, it can’t get much worse than business man who cries blood. Bond didn’t even get to kill that guy! That whole storyline was a red herring! Kind of like every storyline on a wrestling show! Kozlov is sick of weird Bond stories, so he just head butts Haas for the win.

(ads)

Backstage….

Todd Grisham: I don’t even get it! 806 episodes?! WHO CARES?! If you want to celebrate the ungodly amount of crap we’ve foisted on people, the time to do that was more than a month ago! This…This, quite frankly, is just stupid.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I like to wear my BELT! It is pretty SHINY!

Grisham: Why in the world did I bother coming over here to talk to you? You’re the biggest idiot on the roster. You know what? I hope you lose the title tonight. That would be awesome. I hate you and I hate this show.

Batista: Happy 806 EPISODES!

Dave offers up a leftover piece of Satireversary cake, and Todd Grisham succumbs to a brain aneurism. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Batista: More cake for ME!

Hey! Remember when DX invaded Nitro? With a tank?! Yeah, I don’t think the fine folks at Universal Studios would care much for that if WWE rolls in there with a tank. Not that they’d find much opposition in the Impact Zone. Actually, that kind of bothers me. Impact tapes at Universal Studios, which is ostensibly connected to Universal Motion Pictures, which is owned by the NBC-Universal Media conglomerate, which owns the USA Network, which airs Monday Night RAW (not to mention Sci-Fi, which airs some other wrestling show, I guess?). Now, maybe that’s awfully convoluted, but I can’t help but feel that there’s something weird going on in there. WWE should send somebody there to shoo them all out. Somebody with a lot of experience and tough talk, who can sympathize with all their crappy Indy guys and aging stars, but still knows how to kowtow to Vince McMahon and do anything for money. Somebody like…Mick Foley! *GASP*

Backstage, the current members of DX are driving around on their hover rounds and grasping at women’s asses with their collapsible grabbers. I’m not sure what Stephanie or Whyspyr would say to that, but thankfully they don’t watch this show. Even when they’re on it. Either way, I don’t know who was more proud of this segment: Tom Kruse or Xenu.

(ads)

Oh, DX is getting prepared for some wacky hijinx!

Triple H: Man, we haven’t done this in…weeks. Are you ready, Shawn?

Shawn Michaels: I haven’t really been ready since mid-’97, but what the hell. Hey, Hunter, have you seen Miz and Morrison’s WWE.com show?

HHH: No, no I haven’t. I don’t own a computer, Shawn, and even if I did, I’d pretty much just visit every site on the internet but WWE.com. The only association I have with those nerds is when I give Joey Styles his morning wedgie.

Michaels: Well, I do watch WWE.com TV Shows because I have nothing better to do with my time at home now that my wife and kids like Chris Jericho more than me. And you should see some of the stuff on there! I learned what “Ballin’” means, and how I am it, and I also learned all kinds of fun facts from Miz and Morrison about you!

HHH: Like what?

Michaels: Like how you have a huge nose, horrible backne, and are always holding better wrestlers down due to your questionable relationship with one of the owners of the company.

HHH: Oh yeah? Well, you’re a balding, self-hating born again, whose major accomplishment in life is being married to one of the Nitro Girls!

Michaels: HEY!

HHH: Is what I’d say to Miz if he were out here. That’s why he wears that hat all the time, you know.

Michaels: Wait, he’s married to a Nitro Girl? Which one?

HHH: Uh…Sneezy?

Michaels: I never knew! Whyspyr and I should invite them over for brunch! We can read Job together!

HHH: Uh…yeah. Great idea! Hey, Shawn, do you ever wonder what Miz looked like as a child?

Michaels: No, not really.

HHH: Me neither. How about Morrison?

Michaels: Kind of, actually.

HHH: Well, I don’t. And Lillian Garcia’s pretty ugly. There. I said it. I held out for 806 episodes, but I couldn’t go another one. So let’s get ready SUUUUUUUUUUUCK IIIIIIIIIIT!

Morrison: Stop! Hammer Time.

Ooooooooh Ooooh Oooooooh Oh!

(ads)

Easily the best offhand putdown of Lillian Garcia since the time Viscera told her that he’d rather have sex with a ham than eat her. Shawn goes for the Superkick about ten seconds into the match, but Miz hits a clothesline instead. Not very well planned out, Shawn. You know, I was just thinking about this, and I have no earthly idea who the tag team champions are on Smackdown. I feel really awful about that. I just looked it up, and it’s the “Cool” Brothers. Ok. Now I don’t feel so bad about not knowing. Morrison gets a Superkick on Hunter, but Miz fails to deliver on the Pedigree. Sorry, kids, there’s a one finisher infringement clause in Hunter’s contract. DX gets both the Superkick and Pedigree on Miz for the win. Nice to see them putting over some fresh talent, though.

Elsewhere….

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Man, this show really does suck. We have a hard enough time finding things to fill two hours. But three? We’re really stretching it. Hey, Shane, now that RAW doesn’t have a General Manager, can I just book whatever matches I feel like?

Shane McMahon: Sure. Knock yourself out.

JBL: Great! I’m thinking Ricky Ortiz versus D’Lo Brown in a Texas Death Match!

Shane: And I’m thinking of having The Undertaker cave one of your lungs in.

JBL: That’s not particularly nice!

Shane: What can I say, my personal wish list mostly involves making you cry.

(ads)

Remember when Mike Tyson knocked some dudes out? I love these little segments on all the celebration episodes they’ve done in the past couple years. Because it always ends up being, “Hey! Remember when our show was relevant? Yeah…not so much anymore, huh?”

What, was Maria busy tonight? She had better things to do? All the faces come out to Alexis’ music, which had to piss of Michelle. She should teach Alexis how to do a CHINLOCK~! Nobody knows Chinlocks better than Undertaker! Anyway, Mae cleans house as only a 806-year old granny knows how: by lightly pushing on her opponent’s chest and then letting them fly out of the ring. This is easily the best women’s match in 806 episodes. This goes on about ten minutes too long before Beth yells, “OBJECTION!” and rolls Mae up for the win. It’s a bad week for old people. Afterwards, Santino comes out and tries to eat Beth Phoenix. That’s true love, Viscera!

(ads)

Remember when The Rock was on this show? Whatever happened to that guy? TNA should sign him! Or at least Maven.

The story behind this match is that Punk and Orton were part of the Bad Tattoo Club together, but then Punk found out that Orton drinks, smokes, and does drugs, like, all the time, so now Punk hates him. There’s also the part about Orton kicking Punk in the head, allowing Chris Jericho to dress up like him and steal the World Title, but I’m pretty sure Punk’s over that. Randy goes to trip Punk so that he falls over, but Ted DiBiase runs in and lays him out instead. Bwah? Orton can’t believe this brazen and confusing interference, so he just kicks DiBiase in the head. That’ll teach you for stopping Punk from falling over! Manu and Cody Rhodes come out to observe, but they pretty much don’t care about Ted DiBiase.

(ads)

Backstage….

Randy Orton: Cyclotroning 8006 episodes is pretty sordid.

Cody Rhodes: Shut up for a second. What are you trying to do out there? Are you trying to turn face? Are you trying to turn us face? Knock it off!

Orton: I just really like kickering people. No off tense. Sorry I kicked Todd Bertuzzi.

Manu: I just wanted to thank you. I couldn’t stand that guy. Hey, if you want to kick anyone else here, in this conversation, you just let me know. I’ll even hold him up for you.

Orton: I may just yet, Moby. I may just yet.

Rhodes: Come on, Manu, we’ve got to go look for another Tough Guy.

Manu: Don’t you talk to me!

Hey! Remember when Floyd Mayweather was on the show? And he said that he’d never box again? Well he was right!

Elsewhere…

Stephanie McMahon: Have you ever noticed how huge my hands are?

Mike Adamle: No, Steveni, I can’t say that I have. Look, I just wanted to come back here and tell you that this is all your fault. Your stupid show sucks, you’re a terrible writer, and it’s no wonder I’ve never had any clue what’s going on, because I’ve done nothing but listen to you since I’ve gotten here. You’re a horrible, horrible person, and I hate you. Also, Aurora Borealis is a stupid name.

Stephanie: Seriously though. Where do I even buy gloves?

Shane McMahon: This segment pretty much sums up the last 806 episodes of this show. Booyah! Hey, Steph, I’ve got a big announcement to do later. You want in?

Stephanie: Nope. I’m going to sit back here and watch the rest of Monday Night Live. That Tina Fey is such a card.

Shane: Booyah!

Adamle: I’m sooooo glad this is over with. More embarrassing than the XFL.

(ads)

Remember when Jeff Hardy almost won a WWE Title? Too bad he’s failed every drug test since then!

Jim Ross and Tazz are out to provide commentary, and I can already tell I’m going to miss them when they’re gone. It’s pretty clear looking at him that Taker’s pretty pissed to be here, so let’s make this short. JBL gets into the ring, Undertaker frowns, and JBL leaves for the count-out. Match of the Year! Shawn Michaels prances out, because he hates both these guys and wants to prolong their agony as long as possible. He tosses JBL back into the ring, Undertaker frowns again, and then he hits the Tombstone. Then he frowns at Shawn Michaels. Thanks for coming out tonight everybody involved with this segment!

Backstage….

Shane McMahon: Ugh…how much longer is this thing going to be on? I am getting really bored. Hey, have you seen Stephanie?

Chris Jericho: Do you really thing she’d agree to appear in a segment with me ever again?

Shane: Good point. So here’s an idea, what if the winner of tonight’s cage match has to lose to John Cena in his return match at Survivor Series? Great buy rate for the coveted 8-12 demographic, no?

Jericho: Yeah. I guess I’d take that.

Shane: Hahahahahahaha! No way you’re beating The Tista.

Jericho: Yeah! Hahahahahaha…HEY!

(ads)

Remember when Steve Austin used to do all types of crazy crap? That was Crazy Go Nuts!

You know what else is Crazy Go Nuts? Kung Funaki. Seriously guys? Whatever. At least Fuanki’s getting face time. Hornswoggle, WWE Chief Danceologist Dr. The Boogeyman, GoldDust, Dusty Rhodes, Teddy Long, Michael Cole, Jesse, Festus, Sargeant Slaughter, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, and Lillian Garcia all pile into the ring and start dancing around. I guess this is their Celebration Episode “isn’t wrestling craaaaaaazy?” moment. I salute that. Somebody ring a bell so Festus can kill everyone.

Ron Simmons: Shouldn’t we be having another match? Why waste all this time on a dance party?

Don’t be such a spoilsport, Ron!

Hey, remember Ric Flair? I bet that guy is really hard up for cash right now!

(ads)

After all these years, Edge and Lita may very well be my second favorite wrestling wedding. After Kane and Lita, of course.

Hey, it’s the Tampa Bay Buccaneers! Thanks for making my fantasy football team so crappy, you guys!

He is Shelton, so they get to check off two “wrestlers who should appear on this show” in one segment! Kofi is, of course, only out here because they couldn’t remember what other small, backflippy guys they had on roster after Evan Bourne hurt himself doing backflips on ECW. So, Kane and Henry pretty much just punch the tiny guys until Mark Henry gets tired and falls on top of Kofi for the win. Orton wins too! Everybody’s a winner! After the match, The Great Khali comes out and karate chops Henry and Kane, because he’s sick of everybody pretending they’re the only big, fat wrestlers in WWE, I guess? Big Show doesn’t seem to mind.

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Hey, remember when John Cena was cool? Hey! He was never cool on RAW! Get this video package off my celebration show!

Meanwhile….

Shane McMahon: So, what do you think? John Cena’s return! I’m the king of shocking announcements that have been telegraphed for five weeks.

Stephanie McMahon: That’s great, Shane, but I really wish you would’ve told me first.

Shane: What the hell do you care?

Stephanie: I don’t really, I just want something I can hang over your head.

Shane: Dad’s probably rolling over in his grave right now, thinking of us fighting like this.

Stephanie: Heh. Yeah. Can we leave now?

Shane: I thought you’d never ask!

So they run out the door.

(ads)

Remember when WWE celebrated Christmas in Iraq? Yeah…well…I got nothin’.

Chris Jericho vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
In a Steel Cage Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title

Have they downsized the cage recently? It doesn’t look nearly as big as it used to. Batista whips Jericho at the cage and he uses the momentum to almost go over the top. That crafty Jericho! He really wants to win this match so bad, doesn’t he. That’s sad. Wrestling is serious business, you guys! Dave beats up Jericho for a while, and the announcers speculate as to why Dave just doesn’t leave the cage. I wouldn’t put it past The Tista that he doesn’t even know you can win the match that way. He probably thinks that if he leaves, then he’s LOST. L

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Jericho somehow has Dave in the Walls. I hate it when the match takes a complete momentum turn while I’m watching commercials for triple steak burritos. Triple Steak would be an awesome parody character, by the way. For a limited time. Jericho goes over the top, but Dave pushes the door out to stop him, but Jericho slams the door on Dave’s leg. That segment was way, way more awkward than I just made it sound, and involved Chris having to stop himself from winning the match on at least 806 different occasions. Jericho battles back inside (?), but Batista gets him set up for a top rope OSPREY BOMB~! Thankfully, the quick thinking Chris Jericho grabs a huge loose bolt (?!) from the top of the cage and shoves it in Dave’s eye. Jericho flies over the top of the cage and wins the match! WHA?!

Next Week: Chris Jericho hides for two weeks so that nobody can find him to take the belt away. Also, Kane and Mark Henry square off with The Great Khali and Rey Misterio, in the most hilarious match in WWE history. Also, we’re in England, so mind the gap and the superfluous Us!