The Whole Roster is in the ring, and that saves me from a lot of bolding later on, y’alls. Apparently Stephanie McMahon called a meeting so that she could remember who all was on this show so she knows who to fire later this week. Better hide, Armando Estrada! OH NO! Too late! She’s already seen you!

Tough Enough Jessie: I’ve been working here for free for the last four years! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Stephanie: Err…right. Look, Tough Economic times and all that. I’m sure you’ll all understand. That’s why I’m so glad Mike Adamle quit. That saved us at least $11.50 right there.

Tommy Dreamer: How about cutting back on hiring stupid and expensive writers, corporate jets, B-movies, ineffective marketing campaigns and blatant PR stunts? That’d probably save us $45 million right there.

Stephanie: Who are you? Do you work here?!

Dreamer: Uh…no?

Stephanie: Good. Anybody else?

Randy Orton: Steponme, It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WCW Headyweight Chocolate Chip. And to be quite hornets with you, I don’t want to be fruit cup engendered. However, I canst not stand idolatry by while my fellow West Wingers are cast astride like so much garage. Except Joe Cedar. If you could endanger him before Surveyor Serious, that would be great.

Stephanie: Randy, we’re not going to fire John Cena. He’s the only one of you that’s still actually making us any money. And even if we did, we’d give the Survivor Series title match to Manu.

Manu: Really?!

Stephanie: No.

Cody Rhodes: Well I think it’s oddly appropriate that we’re here talking about how our company is circling the drain in the home of WCW. Wow, my dad was a really terrible booker. Ha. So anyway, why haven’t I exacted vengeance on Randy Orton yet for my partner, Ted DiBiase getting kicked in the head, forcing him to run off and get married?

Orton: Shovel it, Couchy! You’re supposed to be my teamster at the paper stew. Don’t make me making you get martied too.

Stephanie: Stop it. Both of you. Cody, the reason you haven’t exacted revenge on Randy Orton is because he’s a main eventer and you, quite frankly, would be on Internet Heat if we hadn’t cancelled that. Oh, and I’m not done with you, Randy. See tonight, you’re going to end your months-long heated feud with CM Punk, in a continued effort to stop all our interesting storylines before Royal Rumble. And it’s going to be a Lumberjack Match!

Orton: A Lunch or Jacks match? Why not a Cold Mountain Glove?

Stephanie: Quite frankly, we can’t afford any Coal Miner’s Gloves or it would’ve been.

Orton: You better asp your shelf Who’s Neck?

Stephanie: What are you, Goldberg?

Santino Marella: I see-a we have-a the rapper Akron-a here! How much-a did that-a cost?

Stephanie: We gave him a million dollars to stand in the third row!

Santino: That’s-a a worthwhile venture-a! And that’s-a nice outfit-a and glasses-a! How much-a were those-a?

Stephanie: Actually, these were donated by a rather nice woman who was trying to offload them on her way back to spy on Russia.

Santino: A likely-a story! Now, why did-a we end my-a chase of the Honky-a Donkey Man-a? I thought-a that I was-a comedy gold-a! And William-a Regal? Really-a?

Stephanie: Honestly, we forgot you even had the Intercontinental Title. Even though that was your entire gimmick. Just wait until we remember Shelton Benjamin has a belt. And as far as William Regal? Hey, vampires are hot right now. What can I say?

John Bradshaw Layfield: Ok, this booking and blatant disregard for kayfabe just so we can cut a few corners financially is getting a little ridiculous. Where’s Vince? Last time I saw him he was just giving money away. That’s the kind of attitude we need right now.

Stephanie: My dad died, like, six times in the last year. Don’t you watch this show?

JBL: No.

Stephanie: Well, neither do I. But Meltzer had a little blurb about it on page 38 of the last observer. Right in between 50 pages of MMA reports and speculation on what kind of cereal Royce Gracie likes.

JBL: Chex. I read his book. Anyway, I just wanted to say also that I hate Shawn Michaels.

Shawn Michaels: You know what? In these tough times, sometimes I just have to ask myself. What Would Jesus Do? And right now, I think Jesus would do a crossbody onto you off the top rope and then punch your face until you leave. So…BONZAI!

Shawn Michaels does a crossbody onto JBL off the top rope and then punches him in the face until he leaves.

Jesus: That is pretty much exactly what I would’ve done in that situation.

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Victoria isn’t on this show. “Go! Go! Go!” Is that the only vestiges of Stevie Richards left? That’s sad. Apparently, the girls are going to have a match on the PPV, and I’m not sure how many people who were on the fence that sold Survivor Series to, but I know that’s the reason I’m going to order. I guess the women are cheaper anyway. That’s sexist, Stephanie! I’m just waiting to see who they shack Victoria up with next. She’s the real Black Widow! Hahahahah…Sorry. Wrestling joke. Don’t know what that was doing in here. Anyway, Kelly hits Victoria with a roll-up. That’s her move! The other girls come down and take stock of everything, and decide that yes, they are all cheaper to put on Survivor Series than any of the dudes.

Backstage, The Tista is walking through a fake hallway backstage.

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WWE swears this is Manu’s first singles match, and I can’t be bothered to figure out whether or not that’s true. And here’s a Wild Samoans video to reinforce that this guy is neither of those two guys. Dave laughs because he’s kind of an asshole, and also because Manu is clearly cheaper than an actual opponent. Randy Orton comes out to watch this match because somebody stole his chair backstage. Dave gets an OSPREY BOMB TO MANU~! after a few minutes for the win.

“Dave” Batista “Davidsion”: This was my best match EVER! EVER!

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Stephanie McMahon drags out Chief Jay Strongbow, mostly so I would have to bold another name. Bitch.

Backstage….

Cody Rhodes: Did somebody seriously draw a chainlink fence on a piece of paper and tape it up behind us as the background?

Randy Orton: Fencing is explosive, Cloudy. These are tough Akonomic times.

Cody: Ugh. I hate working for this company.

Orton: Cloudy, we’ve got to free pear for our Surveyor Serious match! Moby losing wasn’t part of those pans, but I’ve got every conference that I’ll be able to beat CP Monk and put us back on the tack to vividly!

Cody: How in the hell did you get to be the leader of our team? This is embarrassing.

Orton: Tough Akonomic times, Cloudy. Tough in speed.

Here’s Todd Grisham.

Todd Grisham: Hey! Here’s an idea! You want to save a couple bucks? Fire me!

Evan Bourne: Todd, I don’t know why you’re so depressed all the time. You have the best job ever. All you do is sit at a desk for an hour and maybe talk to people sometimes.

Grisham: Look…whoever you are, I don’t know what your deal is, but you don’t have to try to make sense of all the random crap that goes on around here. If they really want to save money, they should fire no name boring idiots who are hurt all the time like you, Triple H, Edge, and that one other guy who just broke his ankle. Evan…something?

Bourne: That’s me. Evan Bourne.

Grisham: Do I look like I care? Look, all I’m saying is….

Mike Knox: Hey, dudes. What’s up?

Grisham: What are you doing here?

Knox: Huh? Oh, I’m here to be a low rent version of Abe Orton, who was a low rent version of every other fat, ugly, beardy guy on the roster.

Bourne: That hasn’t worked out too well for any fat beardy guys on this roster.

Knox: They can’t fire me, though! I do the Mike Knox pose!

And with that, he does the Mike Knox pose and Todd Grisham fashions a noose out of Knox’s beard and hangs himself. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Elsewhere….

Shawn Michaels: All right! We’re walking backstage. This is the greatest segment in the history of our great sport.

Rey Misterio: Shawn. Wait a minute. This isn’t backstage. We’re in a parking lot. Where are we going? The ring is nowhere near here.

Shawn: Shhh! It was cheaper to come out here and shoot this segment. We don’t have to pay the backstage shooting fee! This is public property!

Rey: You know, I used to think teaming with you would be awesome, a huge deal. But I really wish WWE was going to take this seriously.

Shawn: What are you? Chris Jericho? Shut up and help me look for my car. I think I left my chaps out here.

Dolph Ziggler: Hi. I’m Dolph Ziggler.

Shawn: I knew that! Actually, that’s a lie. I didn’t.

Rey: Haven’t you been fired yet?

Dolph: That’s why I’m here actually. I’m working at this parking lot.

Shawn: Will you help me find my chaps?

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I guess Dolph helped him find the chaps, because he’s wearing them as he prances to the ring. A lot is made about this being the first time Rey and Shawn have teamed, but I think most people would really rather see them fight. At least I would. I wonder how Shawn would handle wrestling someone who’s smaller and panders more blatantly to the crowd than him. As it is, it’s Shawn that’s going to be taking the hot tag here, and that’s entertaining enough in and of itself. All four guys spend the first ten minutes of the match taking turns jumping out of the ring.

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And they’re still jumping. See, this is what you get when you let the cruiserweights run wild. Shawn gets the hot tag, and it’s like 1986 Shawn Michaels all over again. How long has it been since he was the “big” man in a tag team, anyway? Did he ever wrestle a match in the Juniors division? I seem to remember him and Super Porky making a run at the tag titles a few years ago. Anyway, I digress. Shawn starts punching the hell out of Miz and Morrison, loads up the Superkick and…gets hit with a Superkick by John Morrison. Miz rolls over for the win. And…Buh? I don’t get it. That’s what you get for teaming with Misterio, Shawn!

Hey! Did you know John Cena’s coming back at Survivor Series? No?! Where the hell have you been for the last month? Not…not watching this show, huh?

Chris Jericho: I’m here in front of the insanely expensive Jeri-Sketch 2000 to talk about how depressed I am to be fighting John Cena at Survivor Series. Look, I think I’m proof positive that wrestling really is serious business, and in treating it like serious business, I’ve earned my paycheck. But I think we’ve seen through all these video packages chronicling John Cena’s epic six year run in WWE, that wrestling isn’t serious business for John Cena. He’s got a rap career, he’s a movie star, he’s engaged in business opportunities outside of professional wrestling! What do I have? Fozzy? Mansquito 3: Revenge of Mansquito? I Love 1994: Part 7? Redemption Song? It just proves that I only take crappy outside projects because I take wrestling so seriously.

Stephanie McMahon: Hey, I like Redemption Song.

Jericho: You would.

Stephanie: What was that?

Jericho: Uh…nothing. Good to see you again, Steph.

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Backstage, in front of some fake palm trees and a cardboard cut-out of Mean Gene Oakerlund….

CM Punk: You know something Mean Gene, you’re right! I am better than Randy Orton. He wants to kick me in the head to show how tough he is? Well…That hurt. A lot. And I forget where I was going with that tangent, but anyway, he basically stole the WWE title from me, and he does drugs and blows up hotels and nobody ever does anything about it. And he was good buddies with Triple H and Ric Flair. And his dad is in the WWE Hall of Fame. And he’s probably going to get a title shot here pretty soon while I’m stuck in a tag team with Kofi Kingston. And…wait…I suck. Sorry for wasting your time, Mean Gene.

Elsewhere….

John Bradshaw Layfield: I can’t believe the audacity of these people! “No more cow limo. Oh, but you can still have a regular limo!” What the hell good is that? Everybody knows the cow limo. It defines me as an individual.

Kane: Hey, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself. Ron Paul would’ve let you have a cow limo. A Cow Limo in Every Home. That was his domestic policy. Come to think of it, that might be why he lost.

JBL: You don’t think that maybe it was because he had no shot of getting nominated in the first place because he’s kind of a goof?

Kane: What are you trying to say, John?

JBL: Uh…He needed more Kane?

Kane: One man can only campaign so hard. *sniff*

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This match is taking place because…hell, I don’t know. Oh, wait. They’re on opposite sides of Survivor Series matches. That doesn’t make any sense! Did they just run out of people or something? “Crap…we’re out of people and we’ve got two spots left on this Survivor Series team. Oh! I know! Cryme Tyme is two people!” Kane goes to Chokeslam JTG, but JBL ducks in behind and hits the Clothesline from Hell for the win. Oh, I can see that team is going to work out lovely. Checking the other participants in that match, I love that Shawn Michaels is stuck babysitting Cryme Tyme and The Great Khali.

Backstage, sitting on some cardboard boxes next to a roaring barrel fire….

Kofi Kingston: Man, I can’t wait to get home to Jamaica, man. I’ve got to level my Blood Elf Hunter to 80, man!

Evan Bourne: Yeah! I’ve got a Draenei Pally in Northrend right now. They really nerfed the Retribution damage, but Protection tanking is sick. Can’t seem to beat that last boss in Nexus though.

Kofi: For real though, dragons are wicked, man.

Evan: I love it when you talk like a parody of Jamaicans, Kofi. Did you learn all your dialog from Grand Theft Auto IV?

Kofi: For real, man. Respect.

Mike Knox: VIDEO GAMES!

Evan: Totally. Video games.

Knox: Hey, can you guys help me get this thing out of my beard?

Evan goes to help pull Todd Grisham out of Knox’s beard, and Mike accidentally kicks him in the stomach. Then he accidentally pushes Kofi through a pile of cardboard boxes. Then he accidentally grabs Bourne’s crutch and whacks his ankle eight times.

Knox: Oops. Sorry.

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The Intercontinental Champion vs. The ECW Champion! It’s a dream match! Sort of! Ok, not really. Didn’t Matt Hardy blow out his knee or something? He really shouldn’t be out here tonight. That’s nuts, and not the Crazy Go type. Regal bitches that American fans aren’t treating him like a face like the British fans did, but to be honest I think people are pissed that Santino isn’t doing the Honk-A-Meter any more. Anyway, Hardy and Regal go outside and get into a fist fight, and when WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance tries to pull them apart, they leave. Who knew this not-feud was so heated? Maybe Matt Hardy really hates Twilight.

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Chris Jericho is back out.

Chris Jericho: Seriously though, what more do I have to do to prove that I make a pretty ok champion? Look, I like John Cena as much as the next twelve year old girl, but that guy keeps getting hurt lately. Here we are in Atlanta, the home of WCW, and all I can think of is, I would’ve made a great WCW champion. Hell, I was WCW Champion for about ten minutes there, when I won the Undisputed Title. Remember that? Of course not, I remind you guys of it every few minutes. And I forget where I was going with this tangent, except to say that I’d be a whole hell of a lot cheaper as champion than John Cena, so let me keep the belt. Please?

Randy Orton vs. CM Punk
In a Lumberjack Match

They’re not using actual lumberjacks, because those guys are Union. I think I see Sean Cold Val Venis out there though, which makes me awfully happy. Punk gets way more offense than I thought he would here. Maybe they’re paying Orton per CHINLOCK~! It’s no wonder he’s making seven figures. Mark Henry grabs Punk, pulls him out of the ring, and then throws him back in. Good, because there’s nothing worse than a Lumberjack Match where the heel lumberjacks aren’t huge jerks outside the ring. William Regal’s singlet is really distracting. Sorry. Wow is that thing ugly though. Punk goes for a knee, but is distracted by Regal’s ugly ass outfit, and he falls over. Orton wins! After the match, The Tista runs down to the ring and hits an OSPREY BOMB TO WWE RAW REFEREE MIKE CHIODA~! What’d he do?! Then, he turns around with a Spear to Orton. He is Goldberg! The rest of the lumberjacks just say “screw it” and start punching each other.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: Chris Jericho bawls in a corner while John Cena measures the World Title for a spinner. JTG of Cryme Tyme somehow manages to be the sole survivor of his team. Also, in a cost cutting measure, the part of the Gobbledy Gooker will be played by Christopher Daniels.