Chris Jericho: John Cena, if you didn’t believe that Wrestling was serious business before, I don’t know what more I can do. I have my own security personnel! I’m like Goldberg! I hated Goldberg, but at least he got it. He didn’t want to crowd surf on babies or let preteens grope his abs! He hosted terrible reality singing shows and got interviewed about The Smurfs. Wait…no. But still! And you remember when John Cena got me fired? And then I cried and kissed Eric Bischoff’s shoes? Well, my son does. And that’s why he bought one of those John Cena NES Wrestling T-Shirts. He’s not even old enough to remember that game! He doesn’t love the ‘80s! So, I’m going to beat John Cena until he coughs up his liver, so that my son will stop cheering for idiot toy salesmen and finally appreciate a real wrestler. Jimmy Wang Yang. Wait. No!

(Opening Credits)

Rey Misterio vs. Mike Mizanin
In an Intercontinental Title Tournament Match

You can’t deny the (Opening Credits), Jericho! They’ll get you eventually. Anyway, Rey is on his way to the ring when he’s confronted by Mike Knox. Really, guys? This is the feud that you’re going with? “Oh, he could beat Kane, sure, but Mike Knox!” You’ve got to try harder than this. Anyway, Rey isn’t having any of this, so he pushes Knox aside, but in doing so he hurts his arm, and so he turns around and heads backstage while Mike Knox does the Mike Knox pose. Ok, I kind of like this guy, but still, I can’t believe this is a feud.

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Backstage….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie, I have to ask you what you’re going to do. Rey Misterio got hurt, so that means we’re calling off the whole Intercontinental Title Tournament? Right? Because it sucks?

Stephanie McMahon: Todd, now that I’ve taken full charge of Monday Night RAW we’re going to start embracing the things that suck around here. John Cena? World Champion. Intercontinental Title? Nobody cares, but we’re going to hold a tournament. Mike Knox? Main Eventer.

Grisham: Yeah, but seriously? Mike Knox?

Stephanie: Learn to embrace how much he sucks, Todd. You’re going to be seeing a lot of Mike Knox around here. Needs more Knox. That’s what the kids will be saying.

Grisham: You know what else the kids will be saying?

Stephanie: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Todd Grisham pulls out a small sword and falls on it. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Austin: Aw! Now I’ll never know! I was going to put it on a T-Shirt.

Layla El: I do guess this means that Rey Misterio won’t be in the tournament any more, right?

Stephanie: Sure, probably. Wait…Is William Regal really all that afraid of Rey Misterio?

Layla: Well, he’s no Mike Knox.

MIKE KNOX!

Manu and Cody Rhodes vs. CM Punk and Kofi Kingston
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

If DiBiase is gone much longer, can I just call Cody “The Tough Guy?” I’d still probably watch a show called Manu and the Tough Guy. It’d be like Kate and Allie! Punk was in a Thanksgiving Day Parade, and he seems quite happy about that, despite the fact that I don’t think this one featured a gigantic Elmo. He didn’t even get Rick Roll’d for Pete’s sake. Anyway, Kofi is Shelton to start. I hate it when tag teams get separate entrances. Can’t they both be Shelton? Or is doing the Thunder Clap against Straight Edge rules? Honestly, I’d be shocked if Punk hasn’t had the Thunder Clap yet.

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Randy Orton is watching this match backstage because he wants to know when it’s done so he can ask Manu where he got that badass leather jacket. Punk is the face in peril in this match, which is kind of an odd choice. Maybe he’s distracted by his “Feud for the Ages” with William Regal. They’re having one. Didn’t you know? Anyway, Cody’s in the ring when Kofi tags in, and if Jim Ross were here, he’d just be calling them both Corky, but anyway, Kofi with a X-Division-sized kick to the head on Cody is enough to get the win. Now he gets to go back to his feud for the ages with Dolph Ziggler, or whatever.

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Backstage….

Triple H: Hey, guys. It’s me. Triple H. And as you all know, the wanton desire to move merchandise supersedes any “brand” boundaries. So I’m back here on RAW to peddle WWE Toys. Who wants a hunk of plastic that looks like…Hugh Laurie? Why does this Shawn Michaels action figure make you look like House?

Shawn Michaels: It’s the scruffy beard. They just can’t get it right. Anyway, please buy all our crap. I’ll sell you my spleen! I think we’ve got two of those, right? $5! I know what Paypal is!

HHH: Shawn, I know we’re in tough financial times, but we’re main eventers. They’re not going to fire us. They’ll fire Funaki or something just to make our paycheck.

Shawn: This is called foreshadowing, Hunter. I’m foreshadowing a later segment. In which JBL tells me that I’m broke and I need to whore myself to him for money.

HHH: Is it still called foreshadowing if you’re now directly referencing an event that is going to happen in the future.

Shawn: To tell you the truth, Hunter. I don’t know. Do we have anything else to sell?

HHH: Anybody want to buy Jamie Knoble?

Shawn: Nobody’s going to want that! Go to the next one!

Elsewhere…

Cody Rhodes: I can’t believe this. How did we ever win a match? We’re horrible!

Manu: As I remember it, you only won the tag team titles because you pinned yourself.

Rhodes: Brilliant! So next week, I’ll dress up as CM Punk and-

Manu: Somebody just did that.

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WAB Girl’s Chocolate Chip. Couchy Rooms, Moby, it is my great horror and plugger to be sharing this break sage segment with you.

Rhodes: What do you want, Randy?

Orton: I like you two, and I’ve no iced that you’re without the other Tug Guide, The Millionaire Kid Todd Debussey!

Manu: That’s because you kicked him in the head!

Orton: I also notarized your fine taste in ledger jackpots!

Manu: Oh. Well…Thank you! I think.

Orton: So what do you guys spray? Do you want to joining Electrocution 2.1?

Rhodes: We’re doing what now?

Even Elsewherer….

Chris Jericho: Hello? Anyone back behind this rough approximation of clangy poles made out of cardboard tubes?

Kane: Yes, of course I’m back here. I can’t believe they got rid of my clangy poles. Cost saving measures, my ass. And who does this Mike Knox guy think he is? Needs more Knox? Peh!

Jericho: Hey, so you’re fighting John Cena tonight, right?

Kane: That’s what it says.

Jericho: What what says?

Kane: It.

Jericho: Uh…Ok. Well, I think you and I are on the same page here. I mean, wrestling is serious business, right? So you’ll beat up John Cena but good for me?

Kane: Chris, I think you’re coming to the wrong guy here. Or at least taking the wrong approach.

Jericho: How’s that?

Kane: In my life, I’ve killed my father. Twice. Tried to kill my brother. Like, 100 times. I’ve fallen into a flaming dumpster and shocked a guy’s balls with a car battery. I’ve killed a girl, who turned out to be a mannequin. I wore a red mask to hide the fact that I didn’t almost die in a fire. I beat up Pete Rose. I married Lita and fathered a chicken parmesan with her. I fought and attempted to kill myself. I was deathly afraid of a date, at least in part, because it coincided with the day a film I made about eye balls came out. I was friends with X-Pac and Rob Van Dam. Oh, and I was a dentist for a while.

Jericho: So?

Kane: Wrestling is not really serious business to me, you know? Besides. I love the fans, and the fans love me.

Jericho: What was that right there? Did you just turn face for no reason all the sudden? A week after trying to snap Kofi Kingston in half?

Kane: Nah. I don’t know. Sometimes I just say things.

Jericho: Want some coffee?

Kane: We can’t afford hot water any more.

Jericho: *gulp*

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Jillian sings to start. Always a strong tactic. And here’s Beth Phoenix and Santino Marella who join the commentary team and discuss, at length, nothing in particular. Santino is kind of the best mouthpiece nothing whatsoever has ever had though, so it’s all good. Despite what a certain webmaster might have you think, I’m still not sold on Melina as being attractive enough to carry the Women’s Division as a face and I think that broken ankle has made her lose a step or two in the ring. Er…Wait, was I supposed to be doing serious commentary or is that the other guy? Melina wins! That’s her move! Afterwards, Santino tries to do Melina’s entrance and fails, but she’s still pissed off about it. Girl knows how to carry a grudge too. Just ask Alexis!

Backstage, JBL is not watching the last match.

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Backstage….

Santino Marella: I should-a never have-a tried to do-a the splits!

Goldust: I agree!

Santino: Thanks-a for agreeing-a with me-a!

Goldust: No problem.

Santino: You take-a the care!

Goldust: You too!

John Bradshaw Leyfield vs. Shawn Michaels
In a Street Fight…Uh…Talk-off

John Bradshaw Leyfield: Yeah, I’m not actually going to fight you. My feuds usually work out much better when I don’t do anything but clothesline people once in a while.

Shawn Michaels: Ok, I give up. What is this segment going to be about?

JBL: Shawn, I hate to tell you this, but we’re living in tough economic times, and, quite frankly, you’re broke. Let me put it to you this way, if you were to go to church right now and tithe, you’d have to give them 10% of your mirror chaps, because you’ve got nothing left.

Shawn: What?! No way! I’m a main eventer! I’m pulling down seven figures this year. Easy.

JBL: Certainly you’ve heard of the banking crisis that’s currently sweeping the nation? The one that’s sent the stock market into a tizzy and put dozens of financial institutions out of business?

Shawn: Err…Um…Yeah! I’m a man of the people! I occasionally read the newsed paper!

JBL: Ok, well you put your family’s entire fortune into Ric Flair Financial.

Shawn: Yeah. Have you met the guy? He’s always wearing a $900 suit and riding around in a jet. That’s exactly the kind of guy I want handling the money I didn’t spend on hookers and blow in the 90s.

JBL: Well Ric Flair Financial went out of business. You entrusted your money to a guy who buys $15,000 jewelry for his ex-wives and owes $600,000 in back taxes.

Shawn: Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound very good.

JBL: Shawn, at this rate, you’re on pace to have the exact same career as Flair is right now. No back, no knees, doing “shoot videos” from some guy’s parent’s basement for $10 and refereeing matches in that same guy’s mom’s backyard later that night for $5.

Shawn: Oh no! I’m becoming Marty Jannetty! What do I do?!

JBL: Simple. Relax. I’m going to hire you like my own personal Nikolai Volkoff! You do whatever I tell you to. And I’ll give you more money than you’ll ever make selling off your mirror chaps, locks of your receding hair, or DX T-Shirts. Hell, you’ll be making so much money that you might even get to send one of your kids to a school that doesn’t have “Online” in the name.

Shawn: That sounds great! Hey…How did you stay so rich when all the rest of us got so poor?

JBL: I leveraged all my money on teen angst, the one commodity that will never go into recession.

Shawn: I wish I was as smart as you. Oh well. I’ll just frown and limp away slowly. Just like this Shawn Michaels House Action Figure available now on WWE Shop dot com!

Backstage, The Tista is wandering around. Will he find something interesting to distract him before the next segment?

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And now, for some (ads)!

Middle Aged Housewife: I don’t watch WWE programming, but I know my kids do. So what should I buy off the WWE Shop?

Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Buy them some foam two by fours! HOOOOOO!

Housewife: I’m not entirely stupid, so I know that’s not true. Do you have any useful suggestions at all?

Duggan: USA! USA! USA!

Housewife: Never mind. You know what? My kids are teenagers. They probably haven’t watched this show for ten years.

Dolph introduces himself to everyone. Sorry to say it, Dolph, but I think this is probably one of the last times you’ll be able to do that. Dave punches Dolph instead of shaking his hand. When did he become such a big asshole anyway? I don’t get you, show. Ziggler hits about 87 punches, which is no match for The Tista. An OSPREY BOMB TO DOLPH~! finishes things rather quickly. After the match, Randy Orton comes out and challenges The Toaster to a match at Armor Hittin’, and Dave is all too happy to accept.

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Backstage…

Randy Orton: I’ll tell you what, Chad, I’m going to hit all those armors!

Chris Jericho: That’s great. Hey, look, Randy, the locker room is choosing sides here, and I need to know whose side you’re on. Mine or Cena’s?

Orton: It seemly to me, Chad, that nobody is on your snide.

Jericho: So what do you say then? Do you want to be the first on Team Jericho? Look! I even had shirts printed out that say that.

Orton: I’m still not convicts.

Jericho: The other option is John Cena.

Orton: CEDAR! I hate that guy! You know what, Jello? You’re on!

John Morrison vs. Fit Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle)
In an Intercontinental Title Tournament Match

Ok, neither of these guys are even on the same show as the Intercontinental Title. What the hell? I like that Finlay’s using Hornswoggle’s music now though. Because when I think of Dave Finlay, I think of jaunty leprechaun music. “My name is Finlay…and I love to dance!” Morrison didn’t Bedazzle himself tonight, and I’m either angry at myself for even noticing that or seriously disappointed. Anyway, Morrison does as bunch of moves in slow motion, and Finlay doesn’t even know what to do with that, so he takes the pinfall. Morrison is going to the next round! Yay?

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Here’s Stephanie to say something else!

Stephanie McMahon: As some of you know, the Slammys are going to be on RAW next week. That’s right. Nothing says “economic recession” quite like a big old awards show. Hey! Firing Chuck Palumbo paid for those gold statues. Anyway, I’m here to announce the candidates for Wrestler of the Year. It’s Triple H. Do I need to go any further? Ok, he’s going up against Kung Funaki and D’Lo Brown. There. Are you satisfied now? Also, next week, you’ll see John Cena versus Edge, Triple H taking on The Tista, and Chris Jericho beating up a puppy.

And now the Miz is here for no reason. Hi, Miz!

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Mike Mizanin vs. Rey Misterio
In an Intercontinental Title Tournament Match

Part deux! Rey’s got his arm all wrapped up because…you know…Mike Knox. Miz is equal parts disappointed that this match is going on, and happy that he’s finally getting to wrestle someone smaller than him. He still has great taste in hats. You know what? I’m voting for Miz for Wrestler of the Year. Or I would have, but I missed the RSPW voting again this year. Maybe next year. Do I get a vote in the Slammys? I basically am the only WWE Media now. You can’t count Scaia because he only writes the front page blurbs or Meltzer because he only writes about wrestling to pay for his MMA fetish. So you’re basically down to just me and Keller. We should get a vote! Rey wins with a roll-up.

Backstage, Kane is eating a Go-Gurt. It’s yogurt on the go!

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I don’t know why this isn’t Mike Knox! True to his word, Kane high fives some fans on his way out, and then he punches them in the throat. But this is, like, baby steps. This is Kane we’re talking about here, after all. Chris Jericho runs out to watch the match, and Cena hops out of the ring to punch him. Who’s the face here?! Oh, right. Kane. I keep forgetting. Cena rolls back into the ring just in time to hit an FU for the win. Well, heaven forbid that he lose! Manu and Cody Rhodes ambush Cena from behind, however, and-

Woah, wait. What? You’re really going to use Manu and Cody Rhodes for this angle?

Cena is able to fend them off for a bit, but then he gets waylaid by Randy Orton in a “Team Jericho” T-Shirt. A groggy Cena falls over. Orton wins! Jericho locks in the Lion Tamer (awesome!) and that’s about it.

Next Week: Team Jericho goes to the Olive Garden to bond. Also, Edge appears and whines about the fact that he just said that he’d never appear on RAW again not six months ago! And: The Slammys. Fantastic.