John Bradshaw Layfield: Wow, did you watch the Golden Globes last night? You should’ve won for best mopey face.

Shawn Michaels: Thanks, John. I guess.

JBL: Don’t call me John.

Shawn: You got it, cutesy buttons.

Shawn: Nah, I just do it when I have to ride in the limo with you. You should see me when I’m at home on my piles of mone-I mean mirror chaps. Always smiling and stuff.

JBL: So I can count on you tonight? Right? To take out John Cena? Then to help me beat him at the Rumble and secure my way to Wrestlemania?

Shawn: You mean No Way Out?

JBL: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: I can’t believe I got fired!

Shawn: There’s a whole ‘nother PPV between the Rumble and Mania.

JBL: Really? What the hell? Why didn’t anybody tell me about that?

Shawn: I dunno, man. Tommy Dreamer wears the T-Shirt every Tuesday.

JBL: Well, I’ve got to go figure out what to do. You’re paying for this segment by the way. Laters.

(Opening Credits)

Hey! It’s Stephanie McMahon! They’re finally letting the cameras shoot her below the waist, but tonight she’s wearing pants, so it’s kind of worthless. How are we supposed to know whether or not she’s back to her wrestling physique?

Stephanie McMahon: Hey everybody! My dad is coming back next week, just in time for the Royal Rumble! And so long as he doesn’t do another million dollar cash grab, I couldn’t be more excited! Especially considering I apparently haven’t talked to him since last summer!

Chris Jericho: What’s up with that anyway? Look, we all know you hate me, and that’s why you keep treating me like crap around here. But Vince hates me slightly less, and he understands that wrestling is serious business, so-

Stephanie: Uh…Chris? You might want to rethink that statement. Consider what you just proposed. That Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the guy who is in charge of this freakshow, thinks of wrestling as serious business.

Jericho: Oh God. I’m screwed. I’m the only one.

Stephanie: Well, I think Lance Storm thought wrestling was serious business too.

Jericho: NO! I’ve become Lance Storm! This can’t be happening.

Stephanie: Chris, I think you should probably just go backstage and get ready for your match tonight.

Jericho: I think I’m going to call in sick. How can I be the only halfway decent wrestler to take wrestling seriously? I need to sit down.

Stephanie: Actually, take all the time you need. Hey, Chris, I’ve got a joke for you. What do you have in common with D’Lo Brown?

Jericho: Uh…The chest protector?

Stephanie: You’re both fired! Ahahaha! My dad is going to love that one.

Jericho: Is it time for season two of Redemption Song already? Ugh. At least I didn’t have to cry and kiss Eric Bischoff’s shoes this time?

Eric Bischoff: You could if you wanted!

Jericho: Uh…Pass.

Stephanie: Hunter was right. Firing Chris Jericho is the best feeling I’ve had since Mike Adamle let me roll over him in the Atlasphere.

(ads)

Backstage….

Chris Jericho: It’s like…-15 degrees outside, you guys. Can’t I at least go back in and get my coat? Or…you know…all my personal effects?

Security Guard: Nope. We’ll mail it to you. Where are you now hailing from again?

Jericho: Florida. Look, I don’t need The Police escort to leave the building, just let me grab my stuff.

Sting: Hey, do you know if they’re hiring?

Jericho: Err…Probably not. They’re trying to clear enough cap room to sign Chris Tian this year and Lebron in ‘10. Why, I thought you liked TNA?

Sting: Yeah, it’s ok, I guess. But Rhino? Seriously? Rhino?

Jericho: Yeah. I hear you. Geez it’s cold.

Morrison isn’t out here, and Miz’ entrance is far less palatable as a result. Maybe he could do things in fast motion. Morrison, of course, is out after taking part in WWE’s annual “Put Triple H in Thirty Matches so the Crowd Knows H’s Supposed to be Our Biggest Superstar”ravaganza. They go through a nice two minute series of reversals which ends in the 619, and the pin for Rey. Geez. Way to let that one play out, guys. At least the one kid in Iowa with a Rey Misterio mask on is happy. Mike Knox attempts to come out and spread his MIKE KNOX around, but Rey is finally sick of it, so he pulls Knox’s beard, causing Mike to run away in tears. Geez, Rey. You don’t pull a dude’s awesome playoff beard. I don’t care what he did to you. What a jerk.

Backstage….

Boobsie McTitsalot: I have boobs! Omigosh, do you think Vince will notice my boobs? Hello? Boobs?

CM Punk: Huh? I’m not paying attention. And frankly, I’m a little out of your league.

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Hey, remember when Vince was an announcer? MUSTARD JACKET! I want them to bring those back!

CM Punk vs. William Regal (w/ Layla El)
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

You’ll remember that Regal got intentionally DQed last week, forcing Stephanie to make this match to legitimize that weird Intercontinental Tournament they ran last month. Or maybe you don’t. But why wouldn’t you? This is a Feud for the Ages! I like how Layla’s still slightly pissed that Regal tried to get her killed last week, but not pissed enough that she’s not going to strut down to the ring with him. Jamie Knoble wouldn’t have done that to you! Except, I think he did that a hundred times to Nidia. Regal pulls his pants up around his nipples, and when Punk punches him in the gut, WWE RAW Referee John Cone calls for the bell. That’s a DQ for hitting Regal below the belt. Urkel would’ve been the best wrestler in the world. Punk doesn’t even know what to make about any of this. Didn’t John Cone pitch for the Yankees?

Backstage….

Alexis Laree: Ugh. Iowa? Really? It’s 20 below, out here, and if that’s not bad enough, it’s freakin’ Iowa. What am I going to go after the show? Into a cornfield? Away from Iowa?

Cody Rhodes: Huh? I’m not paying attention. And frankly, I’m a little out of your league.

Alexis: Bitch, please.

Rhodes: I just want to be cool.

Sim Snunka: So what the hell is going on? You’re going to hang out with Randy Orton in something he calls “The Lemony?” That’s not even a thing! We’re not a fabric softener!

Rhodes: Uh…Didn’t you just want to be in the group with me last week?

Snuka: Well, that was before, when all the cool people were joining. But now nobody likes The Lemony.

Manu: So now, Sim and I are starting up Manu and the Tough Guys again. And we found another tough guy to join us.

Rhodes: Who else do you have? Like…Domino?

Snuka mummbles unintelligibly.

Rhodes: Ron Simmons maybe?

Manu: Just listen. We’re going to attack Randy Orton tonight, and either you’re a Tough Guy or you smell like citrus. Your call.

Rhodes: Zach Gowan?

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with William Regal.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with William Regal, and that was the worst match finish I’ve seen in months. Are you happy with yourself, William?

William Regal: Quite! What an epic conclusion to our Feud for the Ages. CM Punk put up a good fight, but in the end, I emerged victorious.

Grisham: Really? That’s what we’re going with?

Regal: That’s what I’m going with anyway.

Stephanie McMahon: Ahem!

Regal: Until next week, of course. When I’ll have to wrestle CM Punk again to validate that stupid tournament.

Stephanie: In….

Regal: In a No Disqualification match!

Stephanie: And?

Regal: And I promise to stop trying to bite Aurora Borealis in her sleep.

Stephanie: Better.

Hey! A tribute package to 2009 Hall of Famer Stone Cold Steve Austin. Did he die? This is like…The Stevie Wonder tribute to Austin. And based on these clips, the only year he ever wrestled was 1998. I can’t believe Bert Blyleven still isn’t in the WWE Hall of Fame! He got screwed! Bert Screwed Bert!

John Bradshaw Layfield: So, I hear Chris Jericho got fired. You must be pretty happy about that, huh?

Shawn Michaels: Not really. This just means he gets to spend even more time with my family. Maybe the can punch Whyspyr again though. He did a great job with her lips last time.

JBL: You know who else got fired?

Michaels: No, who?

JBL: Bam Neely!

Michaels: Who’s that?

JBL: I don’t know. I’m just making conversation here.

(ads)

Hey, here’s some more Vince clips! This time it’s him firing people. That’s…Rather insensitive. I hope for D’Lo’s sake he actually got to go to Vince’s office and get “You’re Fiiiiiirrrrrred!” though. That’d be the way to go out. Heh. These are all clips of him firing people on the TNA roster. Awesome. Mick Foley! Kurt Angle! AJ Styles! You’re all fiiiiirrrrrrred! Wait, where’d they get that last one?

The announcers wonder if Kelly Kelly Kelly is watching this match, but my guess is that she’s probably watching 24. How will Jack Bauer escape the country when there’s a female president!?! Is that the plot this year? I don’t know, I’ve never watched the show. I think there should be an entire episode dedicated to Jack Bauer ordering food at McDonalds and then eating it. Or a season devoted to him waiting in line at the DMV. “Who do you work for?!” “The Department of Motor Vehicles, sir. Next!” What? What match?

(ads)

CHINLOCK~! by Orton! Oh, man. Randy’s pulling out all the stops to try to win this match. I love this crowd because at times tonight they’ve been super loud, but at others, they’ve been so quiet you can here the guy in the fiftieth row talking about Orton’s haircut. They all go for their finishers, but Kane eventually gets sick of it and tries for his jumping clothesline. Unfortunately for him, Orton had the move scouted (apparently he’s seen at least one Kane match), and Randy hits him with what I’m going to charitably call “a boot to somewhere near his face.” That’s good enough for the win! Or is it? You see, Kane got his shoulder up at two, but WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance had had enough of this match, and didn’t need any more Kane, so he just kind of let the pin count. What did somebody in the WWE Offices blow a bunch of money on the NFL Playoffs this year? Maybe they’re angling for Ed Hochuli to come in and referee Wrestelmania. It’s not like he’ll have anything better to do.

Sim Snuka and Manu come out with their partner Ted DiBiase, who I have to admit, looks nothing like a Marine. Bu at least he gets his music back. Manu and the Tough Guys head down to the ring, and they’re joined briefly by Cody Rhodes in circling Orton. But that’s quickly deflated as Orton, Rhodes and DiBiase turn on Snuka and Manu and begin beating the crap out of them. The Lemony Reborn! Except, didn’t Orton kick Ted in the head not that long ago? Anyway, Cody hits “That Finisher Everybody Uses” on Snuka and DiBiase gets the Million Dollar Legsweep on Manu, while Orton poses in the corner. The crowd, unsurprisingly, is loving this. This is the most action Iowa has seen since Obama bought some cookies there last year.

Meanwhile, Todd Grisham is standing by with John Cena.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with John Cena. So John, do you know what the Royal Rumble is all about or do I have to draw some pictures for you?

John Cena: Is this like one of those UPS or Bud Light commercials? Are you going to draw it in mid-air? Because that would be pretty fantastic.

Grisham: John, look around. You know we can’t afford any of that.

Tim White: Actually, I just got fired, so now you can.

Grisham: Aren’t you dead?

Cena: Woah. Meta.

Grisham: Anyway, here’s the ring. And thirty guys come down to it, and then they all get killed by a giant bear trap, like this!

Todd Grisham draws a giant bear trap, which snaps shut and kills him. Todd Grisham has fallen.

White: Geez. What’s that guy’s problem?

Cena: Tonight is Shawn Michaels’ Wrestlemania, which is sad. Because Wrestlemania will never be in frigging Iowa, dude. Quit being so delusional.

White: Ugh, I’m going to go stand in the unemployment line. Have fun, tonight.

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

(ads)

Before the match, Rosa Mendes, who was disguised as one of Melina’s photographers, attacked Melina. It’s always nice to see WWE really pumping up their show’s security. Maybe Rosa snuck in when the two guys who were working security tonight were escorting Jericho out of the building. Beth joins in the beat down as does Jillian, though Jillian’s just around to provide moral support, really. Sting comes out to drag Rosa away, while Beth poses. This segment was the best, because the crowd was so quiet, you could hear some lady in the front row yell out whatever came to her damn mind. “You can’t sing!” “You suck, Beth!” “Go Hawkeyes! Wooooo!”

(ads)

Remember when Vince got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? What was that all about?

Backstage….

Randy Orton: Thanks to you toon, The Lemony is off to a smashering start! 2099 is truly DESTINY~! to be the year of Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the DIY Girl’s Chocolatechip!

Cody Rhodes: And us, right?

Orton: Oh yeah, and Couchy Rolls and Todd DeGrassi, too. You guys are my breast friends. Good luck in the Broiled Rubble, guys! One man entries, thirty leaves!

Ted DiBiase: Did…did we make the right decision?

Rhodes: It was either this or get future endeavored, man.

DiBiase: Yeah…but still.

Elsewhere….

Jamie Knoble: I know I’m going to be the last entrant into the Royal Rumble. I just know it.

Shad Gaspard: Uh…no. You haven’t even been on TV for months. Your girlfriend dumped you and you never got revenge. What do you think they’re just going to give you a spot because you’re collecting a paycheck?

JTG: Yeah, we’re going to get in because Cryme Tyme is the dopest tag team in the WWE! We were friends with John Cena for a couple weeks. Who were you friends with? Val Venis? Look where that got him.

Goldust: You idiots! There’s only one spot! You can’t both get into the match!

Shad: You know, that hadn’t even really occurred to me.

Dolph Ziggler: Hi. I’m Dolph Ziggler.

Santino: Hey-a guys, I got-a the last-a spot in the Royal-a Rumble for being-a the most over-a Superstar in-a the history of this-a great sport-a!

Goldust: Dammit!

Santino: Why are-a you all-a in this line-a marked “Guys-a most likely to be-a fired next-a?” That’s just-a asking for it-a!

Ron Simmons: Shoot!

Backstage, JBL and Shawn Michaels are playing Jenga.

(ads)

Wait…where’s WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Miiiiike Chioda? Don’t tell me they fired him! And don’t give me this WWE Smackdown Referee Charles Robinson thing and expect that I wouldn’t know the difference. I like Shawn Michael’s new entrance. He comes out in the limo to JBL’s Moo Music and then “Sexy Boy” fires up and he slouches down to the ring. It’s my favorite version of his entrance. Shawn and John shake hands to start things off. Oh wait, now they’re moving away from each other again.

(ads)

NOW the bell rings. What the hell were they doing during that ad break? Having a dance off? The Iowa crowd is solidly pro-Cena to start, except for one dude in the front row who doesn’t quite grasp the concept of chanting. He’s all, “You can’t wrestle!” but then, for fear that people would think that he was talking about Michaels, JBL, or Charles Robinson (who was trained by Ric Flair!), he adds “Cena!” He does this about eight times through the course of the match, and it’s more hilarious every time. Can we replace Rosa Mendes with this guy? I want to hear him awkwardly heckle everyone. “You’re tall and also fat, The Great Khali!” “She’s a Crackwhore! And by she I’m referring to Jillian Hall! Because she’s a crackwhore!”

(ads)

Shawn Michaels busts out the Cripple Crossface, which the crowd doesn’t know how to react to, so they just all gasp at once. That was kind of neat. Maybe they should take that move out of the repertoire a little longer. Cena counters with…a bear hug. Wow, I love my PG wrestling as much as the next guy, but are we really going back to these guys hugging it out and sharing their feelings? Cena locks in an STFU, but JBL pushes the rope into Michaels’ hands to force the break. What’s funny is Charles Robinson was standing right there watching JBL do it, but he knows everybody else screwing up tonight gives him a free pass on this one. Cena scrambles to recover, but eats a Super Kick instead, and Shawn gets the win. Michaels is in a hurry to get the hell out of Iowa, so he bails, while JBL gloats over the fallen body of Cena.

Next Week: We swear, the last match in the feud for the ages between CM Punk and William Regal! OH! Unless there’s a time limit draw or a count out. Also, Shawn Michaels accidentally bets $85,000 on the St. Louis Cardinals to win the Super Bowl. Also, Vince McMahon comes back, sees what a mess RAW is, and promptly orders the stage collapsed on him again.