Edge: After I lost the Spinnin’ World Title by being eliminated first in a match with Vladamir Koslov in it, I thought my career was pretty much over. How do you bounce back from something like that? But then I remembered how goddamn stupid professional wrestling is. So I ran out, hit Kofi Kingston with a chair like he was Shelton and hopped into his spot in the chamber. I mean I knew our great sport made absolutely no sense, but I had no idea you could just…do that. Rated R stands for “ridiculous.” But whatever. I traded the Spinning belt for this one which is way nicer. And now I’m going back to Smackdown. Toodles.

John Cena: Not so fast, Edge! Rated R stands for one other thing, and that’s Rematch!

Edge: So you want a rematch from last night? Like…A whole ‘nother Elimination Chamber?

Cena: No, I just want…Like…A normal match. Like any one of the ten million we had a couple years ago.

Edge: I dunno, man. My brother just got hired by ECW, so I should probably go visit him. You know? And then I’ve got to come up with a new T-shirt concept that they can ruin with that huge ass WWE patch.

Cena: And you’ve got to have sex with Vickie! Right? Because you two are having sex?

Edge: Uh…Yeah. I guess so!

Cena: Ewwwwwwww! That’s gross. How could you have sex with Edge?

Vickie: He makes a good point.

Edge: Shut it up, you guys. I won’t let anybody who isn’t a board of directors tell me what to do! And Randy Orton has punted half the board of directors into the hospital lately. So while you’re off turning water into whine, I’m going to be over here being the World Heavyweight Champion.

Cena: Oh yeah? Well…THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Edge: No. He’s not. I’m the champ. The champ is here.

Cena: Oh.

Backstage….

Shane McMahon: Randy Orton, our Pay Per View street fight didn’t solve anything, so I’m proposing that we have a street fight right here on Monday Night RAW. Because if I’ve learned anything about our show, it’s that everything’s actually resolved on free TV.

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This is the Cody Rhodes/Ted Dibiase Lemony, in case you were wondering. Punk goes for the GTS to start. Did he not get the memo? There are no brownies for finishing the match early this week, CM. Michael Cole insists on calling the team on the left “CTP” which annoys the hell out of me for reasons you couldn’t (and probably shouldn’t) understand. But I guess Cena and Cryme Tyme were together for, like, a week and they had an awful name too, so I’ll let it slide this time.

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Shad looks like he’s asleep on the outside, which is always nice to see. Layla El may very well be the most boring interesting second in the business. I mean, the facials and the body language are all there, but she’s still really boring. Heh. “Facials.” Shad wakes up long enough to scare Regal out of the ring, then he goes back to his nap. DiBiase with his Million Dollar Legsweep for the win. This is no way to treat CM Punk, you guys! He’s the highest ranking champion on RAW right now! Well…unless you count Melina.

Meanwhile….

Stephanie McMahon: You do realize that you just had this match last night, right?

Shane McMahon: Yes.

Stephanie: And there’s no difference between an “unsanctioned” street fight and a “sanctioned” street fight.

Shane: Uh-huh.

Stephanie: So, do you still want to run out there and get whacked with chairs and punted in the head to defend the honor of a father who won’t even buy your kids Christmas cards because he believes they’re soulless Children of the Corn?

Shane: It’s a guy thing. You wouldn’t understand.

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Hey! It’s Chris Jericho! Still feuding with an actor, Chris?

Chris Jericho: I know what you’re all thinking, and, yes, I’m still feuding with some actor. The Oscars are on Sunday, and it’s time to ramp up this feud. Any crazy old wrestlers backstage want to come out here and rant about how Superstars of today don’t respect their elders?

Rowdy Roddy Piper: I was just wandering around backstage when I heard you out here!

Jericho: Of course you were.

Piper: I’m gonna shoot with you, man. Shoot! Chris, I’ve been watching you for a long time! Back in WCW, man, you used to be cool beans.

Jericho: LIAR! You had no idea who I was in WCW! I even ran into you at Chili’s one time, and you thought I was your waiter. You never hung out with any of the younger guys!

Piper: And you never gave me my breadsticks! But look, I’m sick of coming out here and talking about the Sickness all the time. You know what? I love being an attention whore! I love coming out here once a year and…You remember the Royal Rumble last year? I came out here and everybody cheered! Yay! The old guy in the skirt is coming to the ring! And then when Santino wrestled Cousin Jimmy? I made enough money those couple weeks to have Shawn Michaels shave my legs for a month! I’m a whore and I’m loving it! And I only have one hip!

Jericho: That was almost…coherent.

Then Jericho kicks Piper in the balls. That’ll show him. He kicks him a few more times while Jerry Lawler gets all indignant for some reason. Ralphus comes and drags Jericho away after a few more kicks to the groin.

Elsewhere, Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton. And Randy, I’m contractually obligated to ask you what you think you’re gaining by kicking all these McMahons?

Randy Orton: Toddkishi, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WWW Girl’s Chocolate Chip! And what don’t I have to train by kickering all the McMichaels of the world? It’s time they got off their high whores, and started treating me like the stall I am!

Grisham: Randy, they’re your bosses. I’m pretty sure they’re going to fire you at some point if you kill enough of them.

Orton: Toddster, if they were going to file me, they would have doner it yeast ago. I don’t think a punk or two is going to change that.

Grisham: You know what? You’re absolutely right. And that’s the worst thing of all.

Todd Grisham punts himself in the head. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Orton: See that, Shawn-O-Map? I WIN!

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I thought Noble was on ECW now? Why do I even bother trying to keep track of these things? Anyway, Noble notes that he doesn’t have a Wrestlemania moment to call his own yet. Which is cute, because he said “Yet.” Anyway, this eventually leads to him admitting that he needs a little more Kane in his life, and Kane is only too happy to oblige. He stomps out, hits the choke slam and leaves. I guess that’s the littlest more Kane you could possibly get. I wonder if he and Punk found a secret stash of brownies or something backstage.

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Here’s JBL coming to the ring. I’m curious as to what he could possibly want to talk about.

John Bradshaw Layfield: Ok, so I lost. I guess I’ll never be Shawn Michaels. Which is ok, because I kind of like my hair, and I’m not really sure that I could lift my leg up high enough to do the Superkick. So now what the hell do I do for Wrestlemania? Money in the Bank? You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m not climbing any ladders any time soon. So what about The Undertaker? No way I beat him, of course, but somebody’s got to be the job boy designate this year, so why not me? I get a Wrestlemania pay day, lose a match nobody expects me to win, and it’s Taker, so it’s not like anybody will expect us to have a good match or anything.

Shawn Michaels prances out. He’s prancing! He’s got his smile back!

Shawn Michaels: I’m so hopped up on caffeine right now I can’t stand still! I won myself back and you know what? I remember how much fun it is to be Shawn Michaels! Superkickin’ fools and growing a scruffy beard! This is a whole hell of a lot better than sitting here every week and frowning at everything that happens. And that’s why I’ve decided that I too will challenge the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. It’s time I take a year off to enjoy myself.

JBL: You can’t be serious! I was first!

Shawn: Yeah, well I’m a bigger star! And thanks to your huge check, I’ve got a new Wrestlemania outfit and I’m ready to be the Showstopper! The Main Event! Mr. Wrestlemania! The Guy Who Loses to Undertaker This Year!

JBL: You spent that money I gave you on a new outfit?! I hate you.

Shawn: I tell you what, why don’t we wrestle next week for the…uh…right to challenge Undertaker at Wrestlemania?

JBL: That doesn’t make a bit of sense, but what the hell. You’re on.

The Disembodied Voice of The Undertaker: Jokes on you guys. I’m wrestling Jim Duggan!

Backstage, Shane McMahon is drinking a strawberry shake. That’s how I prepare for all my street fights too!

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Epic feud for the ages! Wait, that was earlier. I think Mike trimmed his beard a little bit. Looks nice. Actually, it’s funny because it’s exactly the same length and consistency of his hair, which makes it look kind of like a mane. Don’t let this opportunity pass you by, Vince! Dress him up in a lion costume! Knox chucks Rey into the third row. I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a “big guy throws Rey Misterio at things” as much as I’ve enjoyed this one in a long time. Well played, Mike Knox.

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I think Knox has been on offense for forty five minutes here, which is weird because the match has only been going on for six. I wonder if Kofi Kingston is sitting around backstage, unbelievably pissed off that Mike Knox was in the Elimination Chamber and he wasn’t. Why couldn’t Edge have attacked Knox?! Mike Knox isn’t Shelton! Rey with a 619, but the beard deflects most of it, so Knox is able to take control again. Knox runs at Misterio in the corner, but Rey rolls him up for the win. That’s his move!

Backstage, Beth Phoenix is taking notes with Pearl and Maya. Oops, that’s Santino and Rosa.

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Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella and Rosa Mendes) vs. Melina
For the WWE Women’s Title

Beth, of course, saved her rematch clause until the night after a PPV, because she hates money. Melina, for her part, is just happy to be out here tonight. Well, yeah. You were kind of the second choice behind Boobsie McTitsalot to be holding that title right now. Speaking of Boobsie, she and Kelly Kelly Kelly run out to scare off Santino and Rosa. I can see why Santino would be frightened of Kelly. You know, he looks really weird without his face full of hair. He even shaved his unibrow! Why?! Melina with a roll-up for the win. It’s the official finisher of every wrestler tonight!

You know who else is in the Hall of Fame this year? The Funks. I wonder if that trampoline jumping referee from Beyond the Mat will induct them. Nope, it’s Dusty. That must be killing Mick Foley. HA! Suck on that while you’re tarnishing your legacy in TNA. I bet Dory’s Creepy Wife will get in next year.

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Backstage….

Stephanie McMahon: Hello? Yeah. Shane is in a street fight with Randy Orton tonight. I know! Can you believe it? What if he dies? No, I don’t want to renew my subscription to Women’s Day magazine. Wait…how much? And I get a free toaster cover? Well…No. Not right now. I can’t believe it though. What is Shane thinking? Hello…Hello? Ugh. This stupid cell phone.

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Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton
In an “Unsanctioned” Street Fight

Just out of curiosity, if there’s intro music, a ring, WWE-owned property involved, and one of the owners of the companies, exactly what part of this isn’t sanctioned? Is it because WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiiiike Chioda isn’t out there? Oh! Shane just took Randy out during his intro! It’s UNSANCTIONED! Shane launches Randy over the announce table and then sort of…sets Lawler’s chair on top of Orton while some guy in the crowd just goes nuts. Uh…Ok. Orton takes control with some punches, but Shane quickly takes control back and sets Orton up for the Van Terminator. The Lemony isn’t going to stand for that. HEY! You’re not supposed to come out! You’ve been bared from ringside in this…Unsanctioned match.

Anyway, with Rhodes and DiBiase’s help, Orton takes control again, of course. And there’s the Punt to the Head on Shane. He’s out for a few more months, until they need him to defend the honor of somebody he hates in a few months. Stephanie runs out to check on Shane. After a few seconds, she goes after Orton, and trips and falls over. Orton wins! This, of course, is enough to bring out Triple H to his wife’s aid. Oh, we’re going there, are we?

For their part, Rhodes and DiBiase look scared out of their minds, because they’re looking down a road of being hit in the face with a sledgehammer every day for the next month. Orton looks like he’s about to throw up. It’s not his fault she fell! Hunter does this amazing “Hulking Up” thing, that looks like he’s trying to shake his nose off his face. And he just keeps going like that for, like, an hour. Amazing.

Next Week: Edge and Orton pretty much just agree to wrestle each other to avoid those awkward Hunter and Cena matches. CM Punk enjoys his reign as the top champion on RAW by having another match with William Regal. Oh, and Shawn Michaels beat JBL, but The Undertaker decides to wrestle Jamie Noble instead.