I’m hoping they get chased off by some Geese. But then again when was the last time this show gave me what I wanted? Hey! Piper’s Pit! I didn’t want this either. But it’s Piper’s Pit done as it was always meant to be done. By Chris Jericho. If Jericho doesn’t push over this set by the end of the segment, I quit.

Superfly Jimmy Snuka: WWFFaaaaahuuuuush!

Jericho: Yeah. I remember when you got hit by a coconut. That’s…kind of the thing we’re playing up here.

Snuka: Hannnnnnahhhhhmontannaaaaaaah!

Jericho: Uhh…Yeah, I realize that I said that I’d never host a talk show again because wrestling is serious business. But…who are you to complain? Nobody’s understood a single thing you’ve said in twenty years, man! And yet you still go to all these Indy Showcases and backyard wrestling events in your tiger print pajamas and expect people to want to cheer for you. Can’t you just go back to Fiji and chill out for the rest of your life?

Snuka: Caaaaaaptaiiiiincaaaaaveman!

Jericho: It’s different for me! I’m from Canada. Nobody wants to go to Canada. Ok, whatever. I’m done with this. I can’t believe you actually came out here to do a civil interview with me after I’ve kicked everybody else in the crotch. Here’s a bag full of props. Carrot Top it up.

Snuka goes after the coconut (of course!) and very slowly menaces Chris Jericho. I’m not saying that Jimmy Snuka chasing after me with a piece of fruit wouldn’t be a terrifying experience, but he’s kind of just…shambling after Jericho, and Chris looks kind of bored. Poor Jericho. It’s going to be so sad when he ends up jobbing to The Repo Man at Wrestlemania. Wait…is Repo Man in the video game? And when exactly did this feud stop being about that movie? I was really hoping Marissa Tomei was going to show up at Mania this year. That’s been my, like, life long dream.

Anyway Jericho runs back behind the cardboard Piper’s Pit set and pushes it down on top of Snuka. I totally called that. Break Down the Walls, Jericho! Snuka acts like he got killed as the wall sort of just…bends around him. Then, hilariously, an even bigger chunk hits Jericho and he totally no-sells it. Maybe it was because he saw it coming. The shock of being hit by 8 feet of cardboard is worse than the impact. Speaking of Impact, this segment would’ve been a lot more entertaining of Don West was trying to sell pieces of the set as they were falling on top of Snuka. Jericho kicks Superfly in the balls, and then feeds him a banana. See? He’s not all bad.

Backstage….

Jamie Noble: Aren’t you going to go do something?

Sim Snuka: Hecks no! I’m not allowed on this show. Besides, he’s not even my real father!

Tough Enough Jessie: But he is mine! WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sim: Wait…Really?

T.E. Jessie: No! I don’t know who my real father is! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

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Rey Misterio vs. Mike Knox vs. Kane
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

You’ll remember from earlier in the Satire, that CM Punk qualified last week. And if you don’t well…it’s all still up there if you want to go back and read it. Otherwise you’ll just have to take my word for it. Hey, remember when Kane was in a movie? Well, See No Evil has finally gone into syndication. Just in case you wanted it to be in more venues for you not to watch. And there’s the double boot to the face to take out Knox and Kane. It’s just too bad Rey is still wandering around the arena looking for kids in Rey Misterio masks to butt heads with. Dude! There’s kind of a match going on right now, and you’re kind of in it. Hello? Rey? Oh forget it.

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Sadly, I don’t think you can get counted out in a triple threat match. So the story of the match is that each guy has a chance to win, but they’re having trouble keeping both guys down long enough to score a pin. Actually, that’s the story of every one of these matches, I’m just filling space because there’s nothing going on. You know who would be an awesome opponent for Jericho at Wrestlemania? Todd Bridges. Think about it. Who better fuses the celebrity culture of The Wrestler with the legendary glow that comes from being trained by Hulk Hogan. I mean, besides Trishelle. And everybody else. OH! You know who Jericho should wrestle? John Cena’s character from 12 Rounds. Think about it! Knox takes out Rey, but gets hit with a choke slam. Kane wins! Kane is going to Wrestlemania! I guess Knox’s beard shield didn’t do its job.

Backstage, Vladimir Kozlov is enjoying a nice, romantic staredown with a wall.

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Todd Grisham is standing by with Shawn Michaels.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn I’ve got to ask, what are you thinking?! The Undertaker? Oh yeah, that guy’s going to lose. Good call, man! Why not wrestle Jericho again or something? This is just dumb on your part.

Shawn Michaels: Let me put it to you this way, Todd, it’s either this or wrestle JBL again.

Grisham: Touche.

Shawn: So now it’s up to me to go down to that ring and do what no one, save for eleven other guys in non-singles matches, has ever done! Beat Vladimir Kozlov.

Grisham: Never heard of him.

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Do you really think a women’s tag match is the best place to test my patience, show? Really? Even worse, they have Melina and Maryse on commentary for this match. Melina has literally nothing to say, and Maryse just giggles in a French accent for the entire match. It’s…Honestly more insightful than Lawler and Cole. But still. The thing I like most about Kelly’s offense is how deliberate it is. Watch her wrestle next time (I’m really sorry I’m making you do this, but if I have to, so do you), they pause for, like, ten seconds, after every move! Even if it’s a kick. Kelly wins with a roll-up off the top (!). After the match, Rosa, Beth, Jillian, Kelly, and Alexis all get into a brawl while Maryse takes a break from not talking to DDT Melina. Way to devalue RAW’s top champion guys!

Hey! The Lemony are walking with their lawyers and The Police. I guess Sting will do anything to get away from Kurt Angle.

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The Lemony has taken up residence in the ring. Beth looks kind of rough. I hope she can lawyer after that thrilling brawl she just had with Kelly.

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan! Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the HGH Girls‘ Chocolatechip! And I don’t know who Chad Jeritron thinks he is, but there’s only one guy who kills Legends here! And it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan! Legend Kill Guy and-

Cody Rhodes: Randy, maybe you should move on.

Orton: Right! I’m challengering the winner of the Hudge and Joe Cedar match tonight at Wigglestralia! Oh yeah! You thought I’d challenger Triopoly H, but I won’t! Because he’s he tried to kill me last week, and there’s only one guy who kills Legends here! And it is I-

Ted DiBiasi: What Randy’s trying to say is that we’re afraid of Triple H.

Beth Phoenix, Ace Attorney: And for that reason, we’re filing charges against him for assault with a deadly weapon.

Rhodes: Really? We can do that? I mean, this is pro-wrestling. We assault people with deadly weapons all the damn time.

Beth: Shut up.

Triple H: Randy, I don’t know what your deal is, man. Are you still pissed off about that time where I kicked you out of Evolution because you won the title instead of me? Or all those PEDIGREES TO ORTON~!? I mean…I guess they’ve clearly had an effect on your mental state, and I’m sorry about that. I really am. And you know what? I don’t blame you for trying to kill Vince. I’ve tried to do it a billion times. And I don’t even blame you for trying to kill Shane, I’ve wanted to do that for years. And I should probably thank you for making Stephanie fall over. Heh. I have to admit that was pretty neat. But what are you trying to prove here exactly? That you can lose to me at Wrestlemania too? I mean, I guess we have been trying to have this match for five years now. So why not wrestle me?

Orton: I don’t leanto.

HHH: Come on!

Orton: No!

HHH: Come oooooooon!

Orton: OK! Frown! I’ll westfall you!

Kozlov already beat Undertaaker once, so that’s supposed to mean something, I guess. You know who else beat Undertaker? A-Train. I’m just saying. And at least A-Train was Intercontinental Champion! Vlad pretty much beats the crap out of Shawn for about fifteen minutes. Including reversing the Figure Four about twelve seconds after Shawn tried to put it on. Wow they really want this guy to get over, don’t they. He’s worse than Cena! Shawn bails and reconsiders whether or winning his life back was worth jobbing to Vladimir Kozlov. JBL never would’ve made him do this!

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Shawn goes for the flying forearm, and Vlad head butts him out of the air. Well geez. Usually guys have the manners enough to let him hit his five moves, even if they’re going to beat him. Torture Rack! Love it! Vladamir Kozlov is the most ridiculous wrestler in the world. If this was 1985, he would be my favorite guy on the roster. Bearhug! Did Warlord train this guy or something? Shawn finally knocks Vlad off his feet and gets the elbow drop. Superkick to Kozlov and that’s it. Good to see you getting some offense in there, Shawn! After the match, The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker storms out and stands next to some pyro while Shawn kind of just shrugs in the ring. Feud for the ages!

The Disembodied Voice of the Undertaker: I don’t care what any of you say. I’m challenging Kung Funaki.

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John Cena stars in 12 Rounds. I thought the plot to 11 Rounds was better, but maybe the series will take a turn with this one.

Next entrant into the Hall of Fame? Bill Watts. Does this mean Erik is going to get in? Hey, Jim Ross is doing the induction speech! Maybe he’ll quote the Satire! Here’s a good line, Jim: “The Hall of Fame needs more Watts!” Thanks ahead of time for the shout out!

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Edge.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Edge, and Edge, I’ve got to ask you, man…Why? Generally, you’ve been a pretty cool guy over the years, why come crawling back to RAW to fight John Cena? You’re above this! Stay hidden over on Smackdown where no one will ever see you!

Edge: You don’t know what it’s like over there, man! I have to hang out with Kizarny! Wrestling is halfway serious here on RAW! Can a girl get a salad here?

Grisham: It’s…even worse on Smackdown? How is that even possible?

Edge: You’ve got it good over here, man. I didn’t really appreciate what I had here on RAW until I came back last week.

Grisham: RAW really is the best brand. My God.

And with that, Todd Grisham explodes. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Edge: So is that a no on the salad?

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John Cena vs. Edge
For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

An actual main event? Holy crap! They even do the serious ring introductions and everything. Well, as serious as Lillian Garcia ever gets, anyway. Cena gets a mixed reaction, which is too bad because West Blueberry is, like, right outside the arena. Lawler says that John Cena’s Dad is in the crowd tonight, but I don’t believe it. You know full well he’d make sure to get on camera at some point. I imagine they couldn’t pay his appearance fee. John Cena’s Dad commands a huge number. He’s the Albert Haynesworth of professional wrestling dads.

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Cena with the Throwback. Wow, he must be really serious about this match. I haven’t even seen him try that move in a couple years. Of course, he ruins it by going for the Five Knuckle Shuffle immediately thereafter, which is dumb. He takes so long, that Edge pops up and takes him down. They trade submission holds for a little bit, and Edge finally gets sick of it. As much as he hates Smackdown, he can’t stand to have these endless feuds with John Cena. He goes outside the ring and grabs his belt. WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda stops him from hitting Cena, and John gets him up for the…ahem…”Attitude Adjuster,” but Edge manages to get the belt back and nails Cena in the face for the DQ. That’s how much he wants this damn feud to be over. Poor Edge. He leads such a hard life! Hey! It’s Vickie Guerrero! I wonder if she’s going to cut one of her awesome promos this week!

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Excuuuuuuuuuse me! Big Show is the new number one contender.

Edge looks kind of shocked, but I’m not. They’ve got to justify Show’s contract somehow!

Next Week: John Cena desperately tries to qualify for the Money in the Bank match so that he can win the ECW Title. Also, Chris Jericho attacks The Berzerker. And Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker play skeeball to kill time until Shawn jobs to Taker at Mania.