(Opening Credits)
 

Shawn Michaels hits the ring looking like somebody’s dad. Which he is, I guess, but that doesn’t really help his image as Mr. Wrestlemania. I can’t imagine “Somebody’s Dad” beating The Undertaker at Wrestlemania.

Suddenly, The Undertaker, both Voice and Body joined together by the Spirit of Wrestlemania, appears in the ring.

The Undertaker: Will a video package of me beating up Giant Gonzales scare you?

Michaels: Uh…No.

Taker: Well, at Wre…Wrestle…Thing? 28? Or whatever the hell this show is called, I don’t even know any more.

Michaels: Are you ok, man?

Taker: Hell no! Do you know when the last time my body had to cut a live promo was? I mean, damn, can I get some cue cards or something here? Ugh. I forget what I was supposed to be saying now, and I’m sure as hell not going to go online and look up the script, so whatever. I’m going to beat you. The end.

Shawn: But…you’ve never beaten me. Ever.

Taker: Really? Well…damn then. I don’t know what’s going to happen at Wrestlemania. Oh wait. I’m going to win.

Actually, according to the November 23, 1997 "News from Dayton" written by some guy named “Rick Scaia” (who I believe went on to have a stellar career as a pro-bowler), The Undertaker did beat Shawn Michaels once, at a house show. In your face, Shawn! On that note, I should like to point out that if Undertaker did try to look up the script online, he would’ve had this information handy! Oh, the Internet, is there nothing it can’t do? Other than teach me the meaning of true love? And cook pizza?

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John Bradshaw Layfield vs. CM Punk
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

I guess it makes sense that, all other options eliminated, JBL will want to chase the top title on RAW. With boobs like his, you’d think he’d be after Melina, though. Actually, he has a better chance of beating CM Punk, now that I think about it. Hiyooo! I’ll be here all week! Don’t try the veal though, because it’s tainted with salmonella. I have no idea what any of that meant, by the way. How is Punk suddenly so popular again? He’s getting bigger pops than he ever was as champion, and not just from quasi-Indy-pop-rock bands. I’m weirdly impressed.

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JBL has been in control for 98% of this match (I think Punk got a kick in around 1:30), so that must mean Punk is retaining. You know, I realize that I’m supposed to be the most “accurate recapper on Online Onslaught” but I’m having a lot of trouble focusing on this match instead of doing my taxes or something. Did you know they have a whole D-Plot going on on WWE Mobile where Kelly Kelly Kelly is trying to trade Hacksaw Jim Duggan for IRS, who Alexis Laree is holding hostage with the help of Cryme Tyme? I seriously didn’t even make that up. Doesn’t that sound like something I’d write though? Why aren’t the people who write for WWE.com/Mobile writing RAW? This show would be soooo much better. JBL wins with a Clothesline from Hell. Wait…what?

Hey! Look, it’s Randy Orton, and Randy Orton’s Wife. She has the vacant stare of…someone who would marry Randy Orton.

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Backstage, Vickie Guerrero is talking to JBL. Mayhaps we’ll get to see Vickie’s vaunted promo skills in this segment!

Vickie Guerrero: You owe me now, JBL!

John Bradshaw Layfield: I…Guess I do? I don’t remember making any promise that said that if I beat CM Punk and became RAW’s top champion, that I’d owe you some vague personal favor. But that does sound like something I would totally do, so I guess whatever it is I said I’d do, I’m good for it. Uh…What was it again?

Edge: Later! Right now I need to talk to my wife! What did John Cena say to you on Smackdown?

Vickie: I have no clue. You know I don’t watch Smackdown, Edge.

Edge: He said it right into your EAR! I saw the Smackdown Rebound! What did he say?!

Vickie: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HE SAID!

Edge: Wh-

Vickie: IF YOU SMELL-LA-LA-LA-LOW! What the Vick….is Cookin’!

Edge: Uh?

Ah-ha! So there it is!

Oh boy! A “Live” “Via Satellite” “Interview” “with” “Randy Orton””.”

Michael Cole: Randy, thank you for allowing us, metaphorically, to enter the home of Randy Orton.

Randy Orton: I don’t know what meteorically means, Toddster, but you’re welcome! I’d like to intravenous you to the wife of, I Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Former Holster of the WKU Girl’s Chocolatechip, Santana Orton!

Samantha Orton: Who are you talking to? The camera guy?

Randy: Haha! She’s not very well voiced in the ins and orcs of telemundo!

Jerry Lawler: So, Randy, why did you even bother to make the stipulation that Hunter couldn’t attack you unless you attacked him, if you were just going to attack him on Smackdown a few days later?

Randy: Because I’m an Iditarod. Next Christian.

Cole: So what are you going to do at Wrestlemania? Kick Hunter in the head?

Randy: I’m not sordid, Toddkishi, I saw Triopoly H not die when Snow Cone Stan Awesome dropped his car off the train. I’ll probably just beater him for his WUT Spammin’ Typo. And then I’ll hit his wipe Steppenwolf with a sledgehummer.

Samantha: Randy! That sounds awfully violent! Don’t be such a jerk.

Randy: You didn’t yell at me when I dated Karly Karly Karly, don’t start now!

Samantha: YOU DID WHAT?!

Lawler: Heh. I had this exact same conversation on TV, like, nine times.

Cole: We’ll have more with Randy Orton later on the show, I guess!

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Maryse vs. Melina
In a Lumberjill Match Featuring Every Woman on the Roster

This is non-title, of course, because neither girl wants the other’s titles. Michael Cole distracts the hell out of me by constantly referring to someone named “Maurice.” Michael Cole has no concept of the French language. Which is actually the one thing he and I have in common. Melina rolls out of the ring, and the Smackdown girls gently set her back in. This is the most well behaved Lumberjack I’ve ever seen. If Maryse ever bails, the RAW girls are going to take her out for tea. Maryse with a hair pull…for the win? Uh…That’s her move! After the match, the girls pile into the ring and start a huge shoving match which ends with the face girls on top. See? Some things just surpass show boundaries.

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Vickie’s out in the ring now. Thrill us, Mrs. Guerrero!

Vickie Guerrero: We’re going to have a 25 Diva Battle Royal at Wrestlemania, even though we don’t have 25 women on the roster. Suit up, Lillian! Haha! And now, a contract signing.

Edge: Look, can a girl get a salad here? I’m a way better champion than Hogan ever was, and I don’t even need Mr. T and Captain Lou Albano to back me up! Just let me win this one, please?

Big Show: Edge, I respect you as a person, and given that I never, ever win at Wrestlemania, I’m probably totally going to lose. So put ‘er there, pal!

Edge and Show shake hands. It’s the heartwarming moment of the century! But wait! What’s that I smell? Why…It’s APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena: You and Big Show have a lot more in common than you think, Edge. You see, you’re both going to lose at Wrestlemania. To me! Because you didn’t read the fine print on that contract! Where I signed it really small in the median! Which means that I am also GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

Edge: That…doesn’t even make any sense! Undertaker! Tell him that doesn’t make any sense.

The Undertaker: Man, I’ve got my own damn problems to deal with.

Edge: Vickie?!

Vickie: I’m going to allow it.

Edge: What the hell? Does this have something to do with that mysterious secret?

Cena: The secret, Edge, is that I invited Billy Kidman to RAW last week, and he set up his KidCams all throughout the building. And after watching forty hours of Tony Garea smoking and Rey Misterio nodding off in a corner, I finally found something I could use to get myself on the Wrestlemania card! THIS!

Footage rolls of Kofi Kingston eating a Snickers while Jillian Hall pours herself a cup of coffee.

Cena: Uh…and also…THIS!

It’s Vickie Guerrero and The Big Show!

Vickie Guerrero: Hello The Big Show.

The Big Show: Let us have sex.

Vickie: It will be my pleasure!

Back live, Edge does not look too happy.

Edge: I am not too happy.

Show: What can I say? The only thing I love more than my wife is Vickie Guerrero.

Edge: Actually, considering my past history, including in this very angle, I can’t really be too angry about this turn of events.

Cena: Edge, I have to admit. I also am having sex with Vickie Guerrero.

Edge: Ok, now that’s just ridiculous!

The Cena does a trillion “Who me?” smiley faces while Edge combs his hair, Big Show eats a Hostess Fruit Pie, and Vickie Guerrero has sex with Evan Bourne.

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Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston
In a Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

So Jericho’s wrestling some combination of Legends/Mickie Rourke at Wrestlemania, right? So there’s no way they’d put him in Money in the Bank too. Unless, like, WWE Legend Shannon Moore runs out and stops him or something. Or Duke the Dumpster Droese maybe. What bothers me the most is that Kofi is Shelton, which means that he’s already in the match. Don’t be so greedy, man! It’s not like they’re going to give you two briefcases for winning, or anything. What would you do with two briefcases anyway? Nobody has that many documents!

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I lost about three minutes of video here, but I can assure you that nothing interesting happened during them. I can tell that because, first of all we’re watching RAW, and secondly because Lawler and Cole are arguing with each other over which of the Seven Dwarves Jericho reminds them of the most. My answer? Sneezy. Ric Flair hits the stage for no particular reason, and Jericho is so thrown by that that he misses Kofi kicking him in the face and winning the match. Flair looks kind of pissed to be here tonight, actually, but I think that might be because he has no idea who Kofi is.

Meanwhile, at Casa De Orton, Randy has a mean bruise.

Randy Orton: Ow!

Samantha Orton: How dare you sleep with…I don’t remember her name.

Randy: It’s my ailness! I don’t know what came after me! Can you forget me?

Samantha: Yes. I definitely can. So what are you going to do about Triple H?

Randy: I can’t console myself when I’m around him, so I’m growing to let The Lemony dealer with him.

Samantha: Will you get off your lazy ass and do something for yourself for once?

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Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Chris Jericho.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho. And Chris, I’ve got to ask you…Ric Flair, huh?

Chris Jericho: I know! Right? Oh well, I knew I wasn’t getting into the Money in the Bank match anyway. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want into the match this year anyway. Have you seen the people who are in it this year? That’s going to be a train wreck.

Grisham: So you’d rather wrestle a bunch of old men and an actor?

Jericho: Ugh. Ok, you’ve got me there. Look, I don’t even care anymore. I’m so tired of the build to this match. Hey, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to challenge Ric Flair to a match next week. How much do you want to bet he’s so nuts that he comes out of retirement for some random RAW match that means absolutely nothing?

Grisham: I’ll stake my life on it.

Jericho: I wasn’t going to go that far….

Grisham: I am!

Todd Grisham does the Flair strut into a vat of acid. Todd Grisham has fallen.

The next member of the WWE Hall of Fame? Koko B. Ware? Really? At this rate, I’m going to be in the Hall of Fame in five years. Honkey Tonk Man is going to induct him for no reason, really.

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Hey, Chris Tian! Welcome back to…this. Yeah. Still better than TNA, though, right? TNA needs a whole truckload more Kane. I am somewhat distracted by the fact that Miz and Morrison are still tag team champions, and then even more distracted by the fact that according to WWE.com, the Colons are also tag team champions. I had no idea that body parts were even eligible! My liver is going to be in Money in the Bank! Rey with a rana into a roll-up on Morrison for the win. Three minutes in! We’re running out of time for Triple H to attack Orton! I mean…SPOILER~!

Backstage, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase have obviously not read that last line.

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Haha! Right? The Lemony wins by forfeit, of course. At Randy’s house, Orton suddenly freaks out because even he knows what’s coming. Hunter’s been watching his Brian Pillman DVDs again. I’m sorry, but I cannot believe that this is Randy Orton’s house. There’s not a single mural of Orton on any of these walls. HHH, of course, knocks down Orton’s door with a sledgehammer after Samantha had already opened it. That’s how mad he was! Is he going to Pedigree her? I guess not. Orton has gone into hiding, so Hunter is banging around the house, throwing random things. Is Randy hiding under the couch? Uh…probably not there, Hunter.

There’s an amazing extended sequence here where Hunter spends a half hour finding random people in various people in Orton’s house. Why is there a sound tech hiding in the oven? Why is Tough Enough Jessie balled up into a corner in the laundry room crying and folding towels? And why in the hell is Waldo folded up in Orton’s hide-away bed? Anyway, Hunter finds Randy hiding behind a life size Randy Orton cut out (oh, so maybe it is his house!) and they brawl for a few minutes, culminating in Hunter tossing Randy out his front window. That was kind of odd.

Hunter chases Randy into the street, but the police were apparently watching RAW, and they’ve shown up to arrest Hunter for essentially assaulting about a hundred people who were tucked away in various locations in the Orton household. As they’re carrying Triple H away, Randy launches himself at the crowd and manages to take out a couple cops along with Hunter. Somebody’s been watching their Chris Jericho tapes!

You know what? This is what I love about Triple H. For all the negative you can say about the guy, I mean, just playing the normal wrestling HHH, he's fine. He's still a servicable wrestler and he cuts an ok promo and whatever.

But lord, every time they ask him to "act" he dials it all the way the hell past 11 and into the mid-20s. I mean, shaking his head until he drools? Brilliant! Busting down Randy Orton's door and menacing random crew? Fucking fantastic! Yelling at J.R. because Stephanie fell over in Randy's arms? Awesome.

You ask him to play you a song, he'll whip out some lovely Ben Folds Five cover on his keyboard.

You ask him to play you "Ode to Joy" and he'll hire Blue Man Group and the cast of Stomp to play a three hour version of the Gilligan's Island theme while he wears a kimono and fights a dragon.

There's no middle ground with him and I love it.

Next Week: The Road To Wrestlemania winds on as JBL tries to find another person on the roster who actually *wants* the Intercontinental Title. Also, Edge and Big Show argue about whether or not Vickie is big enough for both of them. Plus, Chris Jericho fights the Ghost of Ric Flair in the most epic human vs. poltergeist match since New Jack/Casper at ECW Un-F’n-Dead ‘96.