Yes, I realize that my question in the intro wasn’t really a question. What do you care anyway? I still think they made a mistake changing Kozlov’s music. The track that he had on the old WWE The Music CD was this perfect Russian anthem circa 1988. 

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Taker apparently finally tagged in during the break, stood around for a few minutes, and then tagged back out when the commercial was over. Shawn and JBL fight for a while. Remember when that was a thing? Heh. I’m so glad we’re past that. Taker finally tags in and beats up Kozlov for what seems like a half hour. This is the Wrestlemania match you know Taker wanted. Gotta fight the mid-card heel flavor of the month to pad the stats! Taker with the Chokeslam, but Michaels tags back in and hits a Superkick too, and then steals the pin for himself. HA! He’s still got it! Taker chases Shawn out of the ring, but when they get to the top of the ramp, Shawn levels him with a Superkick. The crowd goes nuts, not just because it’s his home town, but because Shawn Michaels being a dick rules.

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Backstage, Vickie Guerrero is talking to Edge, and I really hope she promos the hell out of this segment without just quoting The Rock.

Vickie Guerrero: Edge, I’m sorry I’m having sex with John Cena and The Big Show.

Edge: Eh, I can’t stay mad at you, Vickie. After all, I’m still having sex with Lita and my ex-wife. Besides, if Randy Orton can get married a couple months after having a relationship with Kelly Kelly Kelly serious enough for Kane to get involved, this can happen to anybody.

Vickie: Yes, yes. Needs more Kane.

Edge: Shh! Don’t actually…say that out loud, ok? He’ll probably come down here and start you on fire, or give you some chicken parmesan or something.

Vickie: But I love chicken parmesan!

Edge: Not this stuff. Trust me.

Vickie: Big Show does have a big penis though.

Edge: I really didn’t need to hear that.

Vickie: I know. I’m just saying.

Edge: Well, how about just not.

Vickie: I love you, Edge.

Edge: I love me too, Vickie. I love me too.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with The Lemony.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with The Legacy, and guys-

Ted DiBiase: It actually really is “The Lemony,” Todd.

Grisham: Really?

Cody Rhodes: Yeah. It doesn’t make any sense to us either.

Randy Orton: Toddster, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan! Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WOG Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I’m shore you’re aspirating to your self, “Toddster, why didn’t Ranky press churches against Triopoly H after his asphalt last week?”

Grisham: Sort of.

Orton: This is progressional wrestle wings, Toddster. Don’t be stupid. Pinapple asphalt each other all the times. Plus, did you see my wipe? She’s totally haunt!

Grisham: And brain-dead.

Orton: She’s portrait for me! Anyway, 888, at Wigglestralia, I’m going to end your car’s ear, you hog styled maniac!

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Santino’s on commentary, which is nice. The guy hasn’t cut an extended promo since, like, July of last year. How’s he supposed to stay over? His eyebrows can only do so much! Look, I know there’s only, like, five face women on this roster, but would it have been too much to ask for to give Kelly the night off here? Really? Beth and Alexis start, go about three minutes, and then Melina sneaks in and rolls Beth up (That’s her move!) for the win. Jillian and Layla were just happy to be out here tonight. Kelly, probably not so much.

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Hunter hits the PEDIGREE TO RHODES~! and then spends ten minutes wandering around waving a sledgehammer at Orton and DiBiase. He finally gets sick of that, so he has the gods from on-high lower a steel cage onto the ring. Orton and DiBiase, brilliant minds that they are, cannot figure out how to keep Hunter distracted long enough for one of them to attack him, especially when he’s wielding Cody Rhodes’ lifeless body as a weapon. Oh, so it’s going to be one of those feuds, is it? Hunter finally gets sick of this too, so he just pins Cody. Then he goes up to the top of the cage and dangles his feet down, and essentially getting himself stuck and probably seriously injured if he was fighting a group with more than one brain cell to pass around. Hunter’s seriously the fourth dumbest person in this feud. It did let me get a good laugh at the thought of Hunter trying to jump off the top of the cage at Orton though.

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Ric Flair is currently stylin’ and profilin’ at an autograph signing in Josh’s mom’s basement.

You know? What the hell, right? The announcers talk about how Rey gets injured before Mania every year, and poor Rey doesn’t even get a promo to challenge JBL to a match. Michael Cole does it for him. Hell, they don’t even get…an angle. Rey is clearly trying to decide on a Mania outfit one item at a time. He’s seriously wearing ten different outfits right now. Just go dressed as Batman, Rey. Just like everybody knows you will. Rey with a 619 and the faux frogsplash for the win. See you next month, Dolph! Hopefully you’ll have a character by then!

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Chris Jericho is out, and given the lack of referee, match announcement, or chance in hell that this match is going to happen, I’d guess this match probably isn’t going to happen. Let’s let Chris Jericho justify this segment’s existence, shall we?

Chris Jericho: I know what you’re all thinking, but I don’t have to justify this segment’s existence. I knew that Ric Flair wouldn’t be “The Man” enough to show up here tonight. He’s probably sitting in some guy’s basement right now signing autographs and hitting on his teenage daughter. How dare you, Flair? How dare you honor your stupid fakey retirement and refuse to wrestle me at this random RAW? This is serious business right here!

Ric Flair: WOO! Retire me? I’m already retired! Retire me?! I’m already retired!!

Jericho: Then why did you bother showing up? Just to look old on national TV?

Flair: I may not be able to beat you in a match, but I know some people that also are not capable of beating you in a match!

Why, it’s Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, and Rowdy Roddy Piper! All the people he’s “wronged” over the past month. What are the odds of this? The oldies surround the ring, very, very slowly, and take their positions. Piper is the first to act, rolling into the ring and disjointing his fake hip. Snuka’s soon to follow, mumbling incoherently and wandering off into the crowd. Steamboat and Flair hit the ring to beat down Jericho, but he had already left a half hour ago while he was waiting for the legends to get to their spots.

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Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Chris Jericho.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho, and Chris, I have to ask you, what the hell was that all about?

Jericho: Hell if I know, Todd. Look, I guess I’m supposed to be here challenging all three of them to a match, and that’s all well and good, because there’s no reason I can’t beat three pensioners into submission, but I’m legitimately afraid I’m going to break one of them. Did you see Piper out there tonight? That guy’s hip might break off in my hand! Whatever. Look, it’s going to be awful, so why doesn’t Flair come down to dance around outside the ring every time one of them tries to gum my face off, and then we’ll put Mickey Rourke up there front and center to maximize the spectacle. At least Jeff Hardy will have someone to talk to.

Grisham: That doesn’t sound like serious business at all, Chris.

Jericho: You know what else doesn’t sound like serious business? Your face.

Grisham: Oh. Good one. Zing.

Chris Tian, Finlay, and Hornswoggle are on commentary, which is…interesting. So what, we’re not going to get the Brothers Tian reunion tonight? Pfft. I also notice that they didn’t really do a good job splitting the Faces/Heels for this match, and also, I had no clue that MVP was a face. When did that happen? Kofi and Shelton start the match, and my head just exploded. Seriously, did they do that just to blow my mind?! How can you wrestle yourself?! Is this…like an existential crisis he’s going through or something? Even WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance doesn’t seem to know quite how to deal with the cold reality of this situation, so he asks another two, any other two, start this match.

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It’s Kane and Kofi now, which makes more sense. Chris Tian and Hornswoggle are having a fistfight at the announce table, which lets me realize they’re about the same size. Things devolve and Mark Henry gets involved, which is fun because this is the first time Tony Atlas has even paid attention to this match. And MVP gets in there too! I forgot he was even in this match! Punk with the GTS on Shelton, which makes Finlay happy, because somebody’s finally attacking their own teammates. Punk, MVP, and Kofi win!

Backstage….

Vickie Guerrero: How did I manage to look even more frumpy in this referee’s shirt? I thought referee shirts were supposed to make everybody look amazing.

The Big Show: Yeah, well, not you or Mick Foley, I guess.

Vickie: Show, are you just using me to advance your career? Or are you just using me for my hot bod?

Show: Vickie, I’m just using you to make my wife jealous so she’ll stop hiding my cookies.

Vickie: I can respect that.

Show: But I think Edge is using you to further his career.

Vickie: I know, right? True love!

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Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Triple H.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Triple H. Hunter, before you get into your stupid looking black Hummer, I have to ask you, what dark magicks did you use to make that cage that nobody noticed earlier appear and then lower down onto the ring?

Triple H: Todd, get out of my way before I run you over with my car.

Grisham: No!

Hunter climbs into his ridiculous Hummer and makes out with Stephanie McMahon, who apparently was faking her horrible injury from falling over this whole time! Grisham stands defiantly in front of the vehicle, but HHH manages to avoid running him over. Grisham looks a little disappointed, but he’s quickly flattened by a speeding rental car. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Kane: Aw dammit. Sorry, Todd.

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Edge vs. John Cena
With Special Guest Referee Vickie Guerrero

The story of the match is that if John even so much as touches Vickie, he’s out of the Wrestlemania match. I guess that’s what he gets for playing all his cards last week. I can’t tell if John Cena is even stupider than Triple H or not. Unless Cena has some other dirt on Vickie or something. She has a third nipple! She shops for clothes at Walgreens! Big Show rambles out and he and Edge beat on Cena for a while. What a nice couple they make! Show goes to punch Cena out, and Edge Spears him. What a jerk! All he was doing was trying to help you! And have sex with your wife! And…That’s it, I guess. Cena wins by count out, then?

Next Week: Kofi and Shelton have a singles match to really mess with my head. Cena one-ups Vickie Guerrero by threatening to not participate in the match if Big Show or Edge touch her. And The Undertaker attempts a live promo again, and ends up challenging Hornswoggle to a match at a ROH show somehow.