Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Edge won a title last night! And so did Randy Orton! One of them is on my show. The other is not.

Randy Orton: Thank you for the kindle introduction, Vincy. It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and CURTAIN holster of the WUP Spoonin’ Typo! And in case you didn’t see Barkleash, which none of you did, I puntered Triopoly H in the head and killered off the McMillions family for good. Which means that I’m better than purely much anybody.

Here’s a short video package of Randy Orton beating up various McMahon family members. I don’t remember him dropkicking Ed McMahon into the ocean, but there it is.

Vickie: And now it is time for me to book a main event. Because that is what I do. Uh…Big Show vs. The Tista.

Orton:  Thank you for interrupting my porno, Vincy! Now, I just wanted to spray that am the real logger room leaper on WAR, and I don’t care if you’re a ten years old veteran or Doll Fiddler, you have to listen to me!

Montell Vontavious Porter: Hecks no! I’m the WWE United States Champion, and I do not have to listen to a damn thing your punkass says. Even though I’ve barely won any matches since, like…2006.

Orton: I liberally have no idea who you are.

MVP: MVP? I was a heel for a long time? I was on Smackdown?

Orton: Oh, Soggy. I don’t watch Snacktown.

MVP: Sigh…nobody does.

Ted DiBiase: Who the hell do you think you are anyway? Randy Orton is a Legend Kill…Guy. And he does not deserve to be treated like this!

MVP: Come on, man! What the hell do you guys even do? Randy was feuding with five different people last month, and even though you were in his stable, nobody even mentioned you. You’re just lucky to be in this segment!

Cody Rhodes: Come on, Randy! Let us at ‘im! We’ll murderize him! Let us at ‘im!

Vickie: Wait! No! MVP is right. Nobody cares about you two. Tonight, it’ll be Randy Orton vs. MVP for the first time ever! Maybe!

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The Brian Kendrick vs. The Kofi Kingston

Woah. When did I start watching Jakked? Spanky corrects The Lillian Garcia’s pronunciation of his “The” before the match. We’ve been trying for years, dude, it’s not worth it. Kofi is The Shelton Benjamin to start. Spanky is dressing more and more like a huge dork The Shawn Michaels every day. Like…If Shawn hadn’t become a main eventer and basically stayed horrible his whole career. So, he’s like The Marty Janetty, I guess. Twenty years from now, he’s going to show up on RAW for no reason, asking for money and wearing tassels. Kofi won with a kick to the face about two sentences ago.

Backstage….

Vickie Guerrero: Thank you for throwing John Cena through a spotlight last night. Edge really appreciated that. And so did I.

Big Show: I didn’t do that for Edge, or you, Vickie. I did that because I really hate John Cena. Like…a lot.

Vickie: Well. Ok.

Show: Vickie, you’re so good at giving promos. Let’s have sex!

Vickie: I’m afraid being horribly slutty is no longer a part of my character.

Show: Aw damn, I can’t believe they’re dropping that. I hate this. You’ve torn my heart out and thrown away the key. Now I know how Reid Flair feels.

Vickie: Because of all the heroin you do?

Show: No! Because David Flair had a more successful career than me!

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Santina Marella, Kelly Kelly Kelly, Brie Bella, and Alexis Laree vs. Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendez, Jillian Hall, and Maryse

Ah, Maurice! Cole and Lawler argue for a while about WWE twins, and Lawler floats the idea of Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly, which I’m going to go ahead and take as a shout out. I think this might be Rosa’s first real “match.” No that this is a real match or anything, but well…you know what I’m trying to say. Brie ducks under the ring and comes out with both Nikki and Hornswoggle who have been drafted to this show. Uh…yay? I thought Nikki and Brie were feuding? Oh, why do I even care about any of this? Santina wins with a roll-up on Jillian. Afterwards, Hornswoggle looks up Santina’s skirt and sees a penis and falls over. Orton wins!

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Matt Hardy vs. Goldust

Matt gets on the mic before the match and protests Vickie’s decision to make him wrestle. After all, Jeff broke Matt’s hand last night. And also, Matt has the swine flu. Is that why he’s looking a little bloated here? I’m not saying, I’m just saying. Matt spends the entire match running away from Goldust, while Dustin, and I, spend it trying to remember if he didn’t get fired in that last round of cuts last month. Didn’t he? Huh. Matt out of nowhere with a cast to the head for the win. That’s…not legal, WWE RAW Referee Marty Alliance.

Backstage, Randy Orton is eating some Chex Mix. I hope Matt Hardy didn’t have his grubby hands in there. You might get the swine flu, Randy!

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Randy Orton vs. Montell Vontavious Porter

Heh. Look at RAW trying to establish a new main eventer. They’re so cute after the draft! This is non-title, in case you couldn’t tell by me not listing the title up there. And also because this is Randy Orton vs. MVP. The Lemony is nowhere to be seen, which is for the best, really. The crowd doesn’t know what to make of any of this, so they just start looking for T.O. Oh, Buffalo. You’re so cute when you’re desperate. Orton misses a charge to the corner, and MVP kicks him in the temple, knocking Randy to the outside. So…Is a kick worse than a punt or not?

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CHINLOCK~! by Orton. I wonder if that was locked in the whole ad break? A “Boo” “Yay” fistfight ensues, but I’m not sure about the crowd’s choice in this one, because MVP looks like he might fall over at any moment. And you know what that means. I’m less impressed at his fantastic equilibrium, and more impressed by the fact that he actually convinced Randy to sit still for the Ballin’ Elbowdrop. Randy dumps MVP over the ropes, but before he can do anything, Shane McMahon flies in with a kendo stick and starts whacking away with it. It would probably have been more impressive if the stick wouldn’t have come apart after the first hit, and left Shane hitting hime with a kendo wafer. Shane with an elbow drop, before he gets chased off by The Lemony. Shane poses in one of the skyboxes while Randy, Ted, and Cody look…mildly perturbed? I guess? Don’t ask what happened to MVP. I don’t know.

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Hey, it’s The Miz! He’s not nearly as cool as John Morrison, but he did have sex with Trishelle, so I’m willing to give him some mic time.

Mike Mizanin: It’s me! The Miz!

Ok, that’s enough. Anyway, the gist of all this is that Miz has more Twitter followers, Facebook friends, and Google hits than any of us combined. I’m willing to buy that. I have…two people following me on Twitter right now? And I know both of them, so…yeah. Miz even namedrops Haylie Duff which is fantastic in ways even he doesn’t fully comprehend. Anyway, this is all just a roundabout way of challenging John Cena to a match. RIGHT NOW! He even drags WWE RAW Referee Charles Robison away from Ric Flair’s bedside to referee. But John Cena was thrown through a spotlight! So he’s not even here! So Miz wins by count out! And this segment was sort of pointless! Except, I guess, for Haylie Duff?

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WWE was in Europe this week, and they sold out arenas in Germany, France, UK, and Ireland. But not Luxemburg. DAMN YOU, LUXEMBURG!

Carlito and Primo Caribbean Cool vs. Jamie Noble and Chavo Guerrero

Isn’t Jamie still on ECW? You know what the best way to prove your brand split is totally, undeniably permanent now after the Draft? Having a guy on from ECW two weeks later. Unless he’s on RAW again. I kind of hate the unified tag team titles, I pretty much love seeing Carlito and Primo wearing both the belts at once. Primo looks ridiculous, by the way, with his pornstache and horrible haircut. Chavo and Jamie are getting crazy amounts of offense in here. That’s pretty funny. But then, about three minutes later Carlito hits the Backstabber on Jamie for the win. Wait, is it still the Backstabber when he’s a face? Or is it the Backcracker again? Michael Cole is no help.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with Batista.

Josh Matthews: Josh Matthews here, and I’m standing by with “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” And The Tista, I’ve got to ask you, what’s the deal with you, man? Why didn’t you save Triple H from being kicked in the head last week?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: You are very PRETTY!

Matthews: Uh…Dave-

Batista: We should DATE!

Matthews: I’m flattered, really, but let’s get back on topic-

Batista: What have you done with Todd GRISHAM?

Matthews: I…uh…haha…that is to say-

Batista: You are supposed to be on ECW! What about the DRAFT?!

Matthews: BACK OFF, OK?!

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Hell yes. Another Vickie Guerrero promo, bitches!

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me. So I was supposed to come out here and introduce the video package of Randy Orton attacking McMahons for the millionth time, including, for some reason, former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon. But apparently, we’ve shown it so many times the hard drive that it was contained on crashed. So, instead of showing that, or building any new main eventers, I’m booking Shane McMahon versus Randy Orton next week. Ok. Later.

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The Big Show vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ World Title

Lawler and Cole spend about an hour listing different people Big Show has punched out, and I haven’t heard of half of them. That’s not a good sign. At least he’s looking more limber than he did last time he was a member of the RAW roster. Though I didn’t consult Vickie Guerrero about that. Dave goes for an OSPREY BOMB~! to start. Ok, look, I’ve always known that Dave isn’t the sharpest tack in the box. That’s one of the reasons we love him so much. But that was kind of ridiculous, man. This is the main event, not a CM Punk match. You’re not exactly going at it with Chavo here, you know?

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Show with about thirteen bear hugs after the break. Aw…He loves The Tista too! But see, this is kind of the other side of that coin. There’s stalling because this is the main event, and then there’s stalling. In the time between Show’s first bear hug to the time Dave finally broke free, I went on a bender with Reid Flair and contracted the swine flu from some Somali pirates. John Cena gets so sick of this that he comes out. Show bails to chase Cena (who literally cannot move by himself, and is being wheeled around by WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan on a handcart), and Show gets counted out. Awesome finish! Dave celebrates like he just won the match by pinfall because he doesn’t know any better. Cena wheels backstage while Big Show throws a big hissy fit. Slobbering all over the place and yelling “NOOOOOOOO!” like he just killed his illegal senator wife.

OH MY GOD! You guys! You guys! John Cena was at the arena! He really is afraid to face Miz! Miz is my new favorite wrestler! Holy crap! This is the best episode of RAW ever!

Next Week:Less matches, more shots of Santino’s penis. John Cena is dragged to the ring to cut a promo, and it turns out he was fine! Really. He gets thrown into spotlights all the time, guys. And Shane McMahon takes on Randy Orton, and to counter the presence of The Lemony? He’s bringing The Mean Street Posse.