Last Week: Montel Vontavious Porter made sure everybody knew his nickname was MVP, but everybody forgot again by the end of the night. John Cena ducked The Miz. Also, I kind of missed Chris Jericho. I’m not going to lie. I did. Will I still miss him…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits) 
 

Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton
In a No Disqualification Match

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Matt Hardy vs. Kofi Kingston

I love how they talk about Matt like he was the steal of the draft. Yes. You know what RAW needed? Really? Matt Hardy. The real steal of the draft was retaining Kofi Kingston, because he is also Shelton. Boom Boom Boom! That was my Thunderclap, y’all. Kofi wins with a kick to the head. Matt Hardy! Steal of the draft! After the match, Matt whaps Kofi with his cast and then bitches about how injured people shouldn’t be forced to wrestle. Neither should people whose best friend stole their girlfriend, right Matt? Matt is basically just Cowboy Bob Orton now. Only fatter. So basically all he needs to do is have a douche bag kid, and he’s a Hall of Famer, which I guess would technically make him the steal of the draft. So, you win, WWE. Of course I don’t think Matt’s going to have any kids if he can’t keep a girlfriend. Bwahahahahaha…Sorry. That was, what, four years ago? I’ll stop.

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Backstage….

Santino Marella: Well-a if it isn’t-a Kelly Kelly-a Kelly! Have-a you gotten-a any better at acting-a?

Kelly Kelly kelly: Nope. Teehee!

Santino: My sister-a couldn’t be here-a tonight because-a she made-a out with Matt-a Hardy last week, got-a the swine flu-a, and left-a him for Edge-a.

Kelly: Isn’t that a little played out? It’s been four years!

Santino: Nobody asked-a you, blondie-a!

Chavo Guerrero: Scram, Kelly.

Kelly: Gladly! Teehee!

Chavo: So what’s your deal. You collecting two paychecks for wrestling as two different people?

Santino: Yes-a!

Chavo: Do you think I could do that? Maybe bring back Kerwin White?

Santino: No! That-a was an awful-a idea!

Chavo: Damn you, Santino!

Elsewhere….

Vickie Guerrero: As you know, Big Show, John Cena won’t be cleared to compete until he miraculously recovers moments before his match at Judgment Day.

Big Show: Of course! I’m not stupid.

Vickie: What you might not know is that his match at Judgment Day is against you.

Show: I’m really starting to hate you, you know that?

Vickie: You can’t hate me. My promos are too good.

Show: Nah. You’re right. They are pretty awesome.

Even elsewherier….

Nikki Bella Twin: Hey, MVP. We heard you’re a main eventer now!

Brie Bella Twin: That’s so hot. We want to have weird, illicit twin sex with you.

Montel Vontavious Porter: The who is in the what now?

Bella Twins: Come to us, MVP.

MVP: That’s kind of creepy. Hot. But kind of creepy. I think I’m going to like it here on RAW.

Er…Who wants to be the one to tell him they were on Smackdown when he was too?

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Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Cody Rhodes

William Regal is on commentary for no good reason to start. Even Michael Cole is all, “Uh…and here’s William Regal!” Of course, the real reason Regal’s out here is that he’s #1 Contender to RAW’s midcard title for life. MVP declares himself “Ballin’,” because, as you know, MVP stands for “Many Valuable Points.” Shane McMahon is watching this match apparently, but I don’t think he really gives a crap. I don’t think either MVP or Cody Rhodes is really going to be the deciding factor in this one. Cody tosses MVP and Regal knocks him out, and that’s a count out. Good to see Montel elevated here.

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Jillian Hall vs. Festus
In a Sing Off

Jerry Lawler is moderating this mess, and it’s like…This is the best the writers could come up with here. Have you seen that ESPN show on WWE? And they go to the writers meeting, and there’s…like 80 people in there? I cannot imagine how this went down. I can’t fathom it.

Vince McMahon: Ok, we’ve got…twenty minutes left to fill. What the hell do we do with twenty minutes?

Dean Malenko: Give it to Spanky an-

Vince: Nobody asked you!

Tough Enough Jessie: Wresting?

Vince: You’re FIIIIIIIIIIIRED!

T.E. Jessie: Again? WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Fit Finlay: Jillian Hall…and…uh….

Stephanie McMahon: Festus!

William Regal: In a sing off!

Triple H: See, it’s funny because neither of them can sing.

Finlay: Only the secret is that Festus can actually sing!

Vince: Is that…really the best we’ve got?

Regal: It’s either go with that or we sit here and brainstorm for another hour.

Vince: Book it! I’m off to the strip club.

It’s just like how they came up with Susan Boyle! She’s the Festus of England! Festuus. Even The Miz hates this crap, so he shoos everyone off the stage. Miz is apparently our new Eugene.

The Miz: John Cena, I read on a message board that you are a lame cash grab for kids, your movies suck, you can’t wrestle, you’ve been the dominant face on RAW for too long, you heal miraculously for no reason and are generally a stupid idiot who everyone is supposed to hate and boo if he even bothers to show up for a match. And I have no choice but to agree with all of the above stated. Also, your movies are generally of poor quality, even poorer quality than those of former WWE star The Rock, who has been in nothing but horrible Disney movies for the past five years. Now, let us wrestle. Or not. Because you, sir, are a coward.

But wait! John Cena is hobbling around backstage, looking very much like a man who is going to beat Big Show at a PPV in two weeks.

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Mike Mizanin vs. John Cena

He’s going to answer the call! Very…slowly! APPLE DOUGH! Cena limps down to the ring, looking for all the world like he cannot believe he has to wrestle The Miz. John Cena: Master of Acting. Seriously, though, dude’s totally going to show up at Judgment Day with a piece of tape on his ribs and he’ll be fiiiiine. As for tonight, however, he doesn’t even make it to the ring before being waylaid by The Big Show. What follows is a forty minute beat down that was only a bear hug and a goozle away from being the best Andre the Giant beat down of Hulk Hogan in at least two years. I think Miz got swallowed by his hat somewhere in there, which is pretty cool. Wouldn’t it have been awesome if MVP would’ve run out for the save? “I’ll get into the main event somehow dammit!” So yeah. Wow. What was this last hour and a half about anyway?

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Jared from Subway is in the ring. I mean…Somebody check out what I was doing on Monday night, because I’m pretty sure I booked this show. If Kane turns up to feud with Tommy Dreamer over the Spinnin’ World Title, I’m asking for a check. This is either some contractual obligation to NBC/Universal (who has a deal with Subway etched in blood), or payback for the fact that time that Santino stole Lawler’s sandwich.

Alexis Laree vs. Maryse

Jared says “Maurice” too. I’m conflicted as to what that means. Maryse has me worried. On one hand, she’s easily the most interesting woman on the whole damn roster. On the other hand…that’s not really saying much. I still think it’s kind of hilarious that Alexis and Beth Phoenix are going to be fighting over the Butterfly Belt here pretty soon. Hey, remember when Maryse’s only job was telling people what show they were watching and making Bradshaw horny? She’s come a long way! Maybe! DDT by Alexis, and she wins! Jared is…not eating a sandwich, so I’m not exactly sure why he’s here. Maybe we can make him GM of WWE Superstars!

Backstage, Batista is looking longingly at a cherry cobbler. NO! Bad Dave! Remember your Subway Diet!

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. Ted DiBiase

I’d just like to point out that I did more for the Subway brand right there than they did by sending fatso to do ring introductions earlier. Just sayin’. I hope the check is in the mail. Or at least a coupon for a free five dollar footlong. I love the Meatball Marinara. (I did it again!) Certainly somebody who works at (a) Subway reads this, right? I WANT FREE STUFF AND/OR MONEY! I love that Ted and Cody were “already in the ring” because they’re so tertiary to all of this, and probably because somebody hates the “Priceless” theme song. DiBiase attempts a move, and Dave gets so self righteous that he starts pounding on Ted and gets disqualified. Bwahahaha! Dave’s such a jerk. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Shane McMahon. Shane’s only friend is MVP! And I don’t even want to try to wrap my head around that. Afterwards, Dave looks sort of confused, because the poor guy can’t even fathom how big an asshole he is.

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Backstage….

Chavo Guerrero: What do you mean “No?”

Vickie Guerrero: I already know that Kerwin White is you, so no, I’m not going to hire him.

Chavo: Ugh. You’re the worst aunt ever! Can I at least make weird stipulations for tonight’s main event?

Vickie: Of course!

Chavo: Oh! If Batista interferes, he’ll lose his number one contender’s status for Judgment day! And if MVP interferes, not that he would because he’s got nothing to do with any of this, he’ll lose the U.S. Title! To me!

Vickie: Fair enough.

Chavo: And I get a juice box!

Vickie: Don’t push it, mister.

Chavo: Worst ever!

The Brian Kendrick vs. The Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Primo Caribbean Cool)

The Carlito sends The Primo back, because…really. I kind of love The Carlito pantomiming that having two tag title belts is really heavy, even if everyone ignores him, just like I enjoy The Brian Kendrick staring down The Lillian Garcia until she says “The” and then going back to dancing, because I’m nothing if not a sucker for pointless continuity. So this will be pretty cool. I like both these guys all right, so I’m settling in for a…it’s over? The Carlito won with a Back Stabber three minutes ago? Like…fourteen seconds into the match? Ugh. Never mind.

Backstage, The Lemony is discussing the abrupt ending to that last match. Sadly, this discussion lasts longer than the actual match.

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I don’t usually comment on the video packages, but Michael Cole’s “What do MVP and The View have in common? MVP was on The View!” is just about the best introduction to a video package I have ever heard. Also of note? WWE’s favorite The View cast member is the one that didn’t know that Earth is round, and argument that made even Elizabeth Hasslebeck ask what the hell she was talking about.

Backstage….

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am SORRY!

Shane McMahon: I don’t really have time for this. I’m about to get my face smooshed in. What are you sorry for, Dave? For liking your title shot than one of your friends? For wanting to beat up Ted DiBiase more than wanting to help me against The Lemony tonight? For being the biggest asshole in WWE history?

Batista: I ate the rest of your fruit TRAY! I am SORRY!

Shane: You know what? That’s great. Try not to choke and die. Or you know what’s better? Do choke and die, you gigantic putrid mass of steroids. I hate you.

Batista: Are we still FRIENDS?

Shane: What do you think?!

Batista: YAY!

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The Lemony vs. Shane McMahon

We have about two billion minutes left, so Shane starts on offense. Between this and the hour we spent on Lawler/Festus/Jillian/Miz/Cena/Show, how the hell much time did they have to waste this week?! Did Hunter really eat up that much space on this show? Jesus. Shane, of course, has no issues dispatching The Lemony by himself. MVP is such a chump right now, he doesn’t even know it. But Shane sets Randy up for the elbow drop on the announce table, and we all know that’s not happening. Sure enough, Cody and Ted intercept him, and Orton’s had enough of this crap. He sets Shane’s foot up on the stairs and whacks it with a chair. If that had actually hit his ankle, that would’ve hurt y’alls. Then, Randy gets the brilliant idea to grab the steps and do the same thing, setting up an awfully hilarious exchange in which Shane pleads with Orton not to do it, while Ted DiBiase (in the first moment of actual interaction with anybody else in this segment) orders Randy to follow through.

Then, in the greatest moment in WWE history, Randy almost misses the damn stairs with his shot, and completely misses Shane’s ankle. And for about five gut wrenching seconds, Orton can’t tell whether or not he should do it again, and Shane can’t tell whether or not he should sell it. So Shane just ends up clutching at his ankle and scooting away while WWE officials swarm the ring and strap a crying Shane-O-Mac to a stretcher. Sadly, Shane ignored the best solution, which was right there. The Bella Twins/Hornswoggle hovel located right under the apron. All he had to do was roll a few inches left and he would’ve been safe! Dammit, Shane! And if all else failed, I’m pretty sure Horny would’ve done a better job of taking out Rhodes and DiBiase than MVP.

Next Week: Randy Orton’s reign of terror continues when eh totally misses hitting The Tista with a car, but they sell it like Batista died anyway. Plus, John Cena shows up to RAW in a full body cast, which is why it will be so shocking when he’s FINE at Judgment day! Also, for no particular reason, The Shamwow Guy breaks out of prison just long enough to judge a bikini contest between Santina and Kerwin White.

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