I’m having a rather busy week, and while I don’t want to punish those (two) of you who want to read my column, it’s going to be my quick ‘n’ dirty style today. Soooory.

Last Week:John Cena was the best looking crippled zombie I’ve ever seen. MVP continued to be inserted into, and then entirely ignored in, the main event storylines, making him the face version of Cody Rhodes. Oh, and speaking of which, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” was a huge asshole to Shane McMahon. Will he be an asshole…TONIGHT?!
 

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:GOOD! I am tired as of to if when be am hell of WAITING!

Randy Orton:I hear that!

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Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
In a Handicap Match

Ok, if The Lemony beats Dave, they get to team with Orton in the main event, but if Dave wins, then…they’re wasting the Judgment Day main event on this stupid ass crap. So, I don’t think Dave’s going to win, which is kind of funny because that means that he’s going to get beat by Cody Rhodes. Of course, they find a way around that by having Cody throw a chair to Dave, and then having WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan turn around and see The Tista with a chair which results in the DQ. That’s the best ending of all time. The Tista looks pissed, I think, but not too concerned.

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Maryse and Jillian Hall vs. Alexis Laree and Kelly Kelly Kelly

Maurice sighting! That couple in the neon jackets that are always at the shows are in the front row. Hey guys! Kelly Kelly Kelly is not a very good wrestler. Sorry. She’s trying real hard though! Maryse’s new catch phrase, by the way? “Pointless French. If I wasn’t Maryse, I’d want to be.” Would you settle for being Maurice? Actually, I should point out that I liked her last catchphrase, “Pointless French. You are watching WWE Smackdown.” better. And it would actually be a pretty awesome catchphrase for RAW. Alexis wins with a DDT, which makes two wins in a row, which means she’s totally jobbing at the PPV. Wait…are they even wrestling at the PPV? Oh, I don’t care.

Backstage, Randy Orton is hitting on WWE ECW Diva Josh Matthews, who is there for no particular reason. Then Ted DiBiase runs into the picture and screams that Cody is missing. Well, where’d you leave him last? Orton is really pissed off, but that’s what you get for letting your underlings run around without supervision. You lose one! What if Cody eats after midnight, Randy? Who’s going to clean up that mess?

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Chavo Guerrero want to book Miz vs. Cena tonight, because even though Cena isn’t cleared to wrestle, and looked like he was about to die last week, they’ve got to waste this feud in a hurry so they can rush Cena back into the main event next week. Vickie thinks that’s splendid because she doesn’t have a mind of her own. Then Chavo scoots uncomfortably close and whispers “Happy Mother’s Day.” Err…Thanks? And Ew.

Now, here’s Michael Cole and Jerry “” Lawler standing around in the ring. Er…Thanks, guys?

Backstage, Ted DiBiase and Randy Orton split up to look for Cody. Haven’t they ever watched a horror movie? They know Dave is a huge jerk out to attack them! Don’t lose your buddy! Of course Randy finds Cody playing paddle ball in a corner, but when they go back to look for Ted, they find that he’s been knocked the hell out. Of course. Because Batista is a huge asshole who doesn’t take losing well, and because The Lemony is a bunch of idiots. THIS is your Judgment Day Main Event.

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Mr. Kennedy is coming back. I swear this guy only exists in “Returning Soon” vignettes.

The Brian Kendrick vs. The Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ The Primo Caribbean Cool)

Carlito, of course, sends Primo back after he comes out. He is not concerned with any Brian Kendricks, The or otherwise. The Spanky’s actually getting in a lot of offense here for a guy wandering around in half a leather jacket. I do like that he’s incorporated The Shawn Michaels’ prance into his pre-match warm-up, though. Do you suppose they taught a prancing class at the Shawn Michaels Wrestling Academy? The Carlito hits the turnbuckle and The Spanky wins with a roll-up. Wait…What? After the match The Kendrick says he’s going to find a partner and go after the tag team titles. Well it’s a good thing The Paul London still works…oh…never mind.

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John Cena vs. The Miz
In an “Exhibition Match”

There’s not even a WWE RAW Referee out here, so this is pretty much just guys throwing out wrestling holds for no reason. Oh, and Big Show sitting on the announce table. Cole bitches that he can’t see the ring, as if he didn’t have a monitor in front of him. Jim Ross wouldn’t have even noticed Show was there! Cena dominates, of course, even though last week he could barely move, but he won’t stop staring at Big Show. I think Miz screwed himself when he started off with his fresh new catchphrase, “I’m The Miz. I like cookies.” Not exactly intimidating. Vickie Guerrero comes on the Titantron to be excused, and with that distraction, Miz gets in a DDT for the…er…win?

Backstage, Randy Orton has the brilliant idea to send Cody Rhodes after Batista by himself. Surely, if anybody can take down The Tista, it’s Cody Rhodes. By himself.

Cody Rhodes:I’ll be back.

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In Vickie’s office, Chavo is still not at all subtly trying to get all up in Vickie’s area, which is still gross. Santina Marella comes in to try to spice things up a bit, but as these things often do, it only ends up with Chavo forcing him to make out with Rosa Mendes for no reason. Beth Phoenix has an OBJECTION to this, but then Santina says that she “prefers-a the company-a of the womens-a!” and then runs off making pig noises.

Elsewhere, Cody Rhodes found himself a clangy pipe and is wandering around the house in the middle of the night when he knows there’s a murderer on the loose! God. Just have sex with your improbably breasted teen girlfriend while you’re at it, Cody. He opens a door, and Hornswoggle pops out, Cody is, of course, relieved, but completely misses The Tista running up behind him and whapping him. So…what was Hornswoggle doing hiding behind that door? And more importantly, how come he isn’t in The Lemony?

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Beth Phoenix (w/ Rosa Mendes) vs. Santina Marella

Poor Beth looks beyond bored by all of this. She wants to be fighting for the Butterfly Belt, dammit! Cole spends the entire match creepily obsessing over Santino’s footwear to the point where even Lawler is kind of creeped out by it, which is saying something. I guess it has something to do with taking a digg at Hogan’s new shoe line or something, but it just makes Michael Cole come off as a weird perv. Santina wins with a roll-up. Of course.

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Backstage, WWE ECW Diva Josh Matthews is getting hit on by John Cena, and he’s kind of into it until Cena starts bitching about how hurt he really is and all that, and he he’s doing all of that while jumping around and generally not looking hurt at all despite the fact that he was just killed three weeks ago, and Matthews wanders off.

In the ring, Montel Vontavious Porter (MVP) is hosting “The VIP Lounge” which is actually pretty swank. I like the chairs. Jericho didn’t have that nice of chairs. William Regal is his guest, and Regal says he’s pretty pissed off about not being GM anymore, but MVP and me both know it’s really because Layla isn’t on RAW anymore. Can the guy keep a valet? Seriously. What ever happened to Tajiri? This, of course, transitions into Matt Hardy coming out and bitching that he was never really satisfied with how his feud with MVP turned out, so now he wants in on this too. Then Kofi Kingston comes out and kicks Matt in the head for no reason, which is kind of a jerk move, but whatever. Chavo Guerrero completes the quintfecta by booking all these guys in a match tonight.

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Montel Vontavious Porter and Kofi Kingston vs. Matt Hardy and William Regal

Matt’s still bitching about his hand, I see. Kofi is Shelton to start. Honestly, I would kind of like to see a longish PPV match between these guys, which means it will probably never happen, but they’re better than the dudes over on Smackdown. Except Kane, of course. I don’t know if you knew this, by the way, but MVP stands for “Most Vertical Penguins.” Just a tidbit I picked up from the WWE Encyclopedia. Kofi kicks Matt in the hand, so he leaves, and MVP gets Regal with a Playmaker for the win.

Backstage, Randy Orton is taking a shower. NO! NO! If he follows directions from some hillbilly at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, I’m getting off this boat.

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Randy Orton vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Randy doesn’t want this match to happen, so, of course, it does. The he goes to trip Dave so Batista’ll fall over and he can get the win right away. When did Orton get so smart? Within the last…two minutes or so? Geez. Ten second in, The Tista’s tired of all this, so he grabs a chair and whacks Randy in the ankle with it. Unfortunately for him, Randy isn’t Shane McMahon, so when The Lemony shows up (they’re just fine, by the way, they don’t make backstage attacks like they used to), Randy has no trouble bailing. Cody eats an OSPREY BOMB TO CODY~!, of course, and Ted gets a Spear. Randy remembers about 2/3rds of the way up the ramp that his ankle is supposed to be hurt, but by that point, he’s just like, “Aw screw it.”

Sunday Sunday Sunday:Randy Orton beats The Tista by virtue of the fact that the villain never actually wins at the end of horror movies. Also, Michael Cole screams “PINK SNEAKERS” at the top of his lungs during the entire ECW Title match. And John Cena wins. Of course.