RAW SATIRE
Satire Needs Gimmick / Why not the trusty Haiku? / The Five-Seven-Five?
June 18, 2009

by Matt Hocking
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Week: Rick Scaia somehow managed to avoid calling me a twat, and for that, I thank him. Also, Vickie Guerrero txted in her resignation and divorce from Edge. And ï¿½Daveï¿½ Batista ï¿½Davidsonï¿½ vacated his title to Tough Enough Jessie. Who will he defend it againstï¿½TONIGHT?!

Three hours worth of show on this computer? Uhï¿½no. And unfortunately, I seem to have been banned from the WWE Mobile Stream (how was I supposed to know The Mizï¿½ï¿½Mizsï¿½ï¿½Mizzï¿½zzzzzï¿½zï¿½? Uhï¿½.Goldustï¿½s texts were copyrighted?).

Thankfully, I have a perfect solution. Haiku. Erï¿½Haikus? Haikuz? Haku? MENGS!

(Opening Credits)

Chris Jericho vs. Rey Misterio

Jericho in ring,
Will he get Reyï¿½s mask or not,
Who cares about belt?

(ads)

Counter says thirty
Until WWE Title Match
Hurry up you guys!

Rey with advantage
Counter into 619
Oops, Jericho won.

Now, Backstage Vince pouts.
What will become of this show,
Now that itï¿½s sucking?

(ads)

Backstage, Diva Josh:
Randy will you lose to Trips,
Now that he is back?

Orton looks dumbfounded.
Of course he jobs to Triple H,
No sells the CHINLOCK!

A new challenger!
John Cena appears to rap,
Dismisses the diva.

ï¿½Why are you so bad?ï¿½
Great wrestler Cena asks.
ï¿½You cannot see me.ï¿½

No reply Orton?
Do not encourage Cena.
Win Chocolatechip.

Commentary Vince
Crowd only wants to see Flair,
No mustard jacket?

Vince says heï¿½s selling Raw.
To who is the question?
Or is it to whom?

If you want my guess,
It has to be someone new.
My moneyï¿½s on Brett Favre.

(ads)

Chris Tian vs. Tommy Dreamer
For the ECW Title

Tommy looks so glad,
Just to be out here tonight.
I love you, Tommy.

Striker suggests plan,
Have Obama bail out Raw,
Sell it to Chinese.

Million DDTs.
Who will come out on the top?
Our man Tommy! Yay!

(ads)

Bella Twins back stage,
With Kelly Kelly Kelly,
Wonder whoï¿½s the boss.

One suggests Oprah,
Heard she was into crackpots,
But sheï¿½s not on crack.

Kelly says nothing,
Just does her make-up and pouts,
She misses The Miz.

I kind of wonder,
Why do they do their make-up,
In their only scene?

The Tista in pain,
Doctors perform surgery,
But it will not HELP!

Triple H vs. The Big Show vs. John Cena vs. Randy Orton

Sorry, MVP,
Nobody cares about you,
You are not in this.

Early edge to H,
Needs another twenty reigns,
To satisfy ego.

Cena, Show bail out.
They do not matter to this.
Orton, with Chinlock.

(ads)

There are two matches,
Cena/Show, Hunter/Orton.
And Mike Chioda.

Cena is injured.
Oh, wait, maybe he is not,
FU to Hunter.

Orton sneaks back in.
What are you doing Randy?
RKO to Show.

Big Show is wobbling.
Oh no! Big Show fell over!
So then, Orton Wins.

(ads)

So the time has come,
To whom has Vince sold this show,
Is it Jon and Kate?

Nope, itï¿½s the Donald,
The man with the stupid hair,
Now controls Satire.

I guess Trump is bored,
To be slumming it with us,
No Lashley even!

It will be worth it,
(Ok, not really but still)
If Ivanka shows.

None of this makes sense,
Why is he selling again?
Ric Flair Financial?

Talk about nothing,
Vince still in control tonight,
But no, not really.

So who is the face?
Trump is a douche, so is Vince,
The real answer? Me.

(ads)

Alexis Laree vs. Rosa Mendes (w/ï¿½No wait, Beth Phoenix left)

First singles for Rosa?
We will see how this one goes,
Umï¿½Not very well.

Maryse is on mic,
Sheï¿½s saying nothing really,
Cole calls her Maurice.

Yes, Alexis wins.
She and Maurice fight a bit,
Happy Ravenï¿½s back.

(ads)

Goldust and midget,
Shoot T-Shirts for no reason,
Finlay is depressed.

The Miz is out now,
Wants to talk to Hornswoggle.
Good for him I guess?

Dustin not impressed,
You call John Cena stupid?
I once kissed Ahmed!

Miz is right here though,
Goldust will probably be fired soon,
(And then hired back).

Miz says to Donald,
ï¿½I should be face of the show!ï¿½
Shoots midget in balls.

(ads)

Backstage, Diva Josh:
CM Punk, I have to ask,
Are you heel or face?

Punk just laughs and sighs,
Can you really be a heel,
For beating Hardy?

Matt Hardy shows up,
Thanks Punk for beating his bro.
Jeff is a real pain.

But Punk is aghast,
Never compare him to Matt!
Heï¿½s not a champion!

Somewhere in darkness,
The ECW Title weeps,
Comforted by Tommy.

Elsewhere, in the halls,
Tough Enough Jessie cries too,
But she is alone.

Edge vs. Jeff Har-

(ads)

Edge vs. Jeff Hardy vs. CM Punk
For the WWE World Title

Punk honors a friend,
Rest in peace, Misawa,
You were from Japan.

Edge and Punk team up,
Only together it seems,
Can they take out Jeff.

Wait, no. Iï¿½m sorry.
Was thinking about Hunter.
Jeffï¿½s pretty easy.

(ads)

This show feels all wrong,
Do you know what itï¿½s missing?
A little more Kane.

Jeff goes for Swanton,
But then Edge goes for the spear,
Punk wins withï¿½nothing.

Hey itï¿½s Teddy Long,
Howï¿½s being Smackdown GM?
Hollah, Hollah, dog!

So now at The Bash
Punk takes on Jeff one on one,
Er, what is The Bash?

(ads)

The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalia Neidhart) vs. Primo and Carlito Colon

New Hart Foundation!
The Canadian Bulldog!
This match is OVER!

Actually, itï¿½s not,
Lemony talking to Cole,
Whatï¿½s on Tysonï¿½s head?

Backstabber on Smith,
So now the Colons will win,
Pass this obstruction!

But wait! Lemony!
In the ring and attacking!
Best Ever. EVER!

Hunter is backstage.
Nothing in particular.
Sorry to waste time.

(ads)

Santino sits down,
Asks what is wrong with McMahon,
End of Santina?

Vince wants an Impact!
McMahon joining TNA,
You read it here first!

Trump calls into show,
Santino wants to say ï¿½Hi.ï¿½
Then he calls Vince old.

AIG spotted,
MVP wants no cheers, huh?
Lil forgets his name.

Silly Lillian,
Stands for Many Vets Playing,
That is an old team.

(ads)

Ted DiBiase vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Matt Hardy vs. William Regal vs. Kofi Kingston vs. A Duck vs. The Miz vs. The Big Show vs. Tough Enough Jessie vs. Triple H vs. John Cena
In a Battle Royal for the #1 Contendership to the WWE Title

Winner faces Randy
At Great American Bash,
Er, I mean ï¿½The Bash.ï¿½

Donï¿½t know about you,
But if I were the booker,
Iï¿½d give match to duck.

Eliminated:
Wasnï¿½t paying attention,
Miz is still alive.

(ads)

Miz and duck are gone,
Now money is on Kofi,
As he is Shelton.

But wait! I see now!
The Miz was never thrown out!
Ok, now he was.

Down to Trips and John.
I mean, who wouldï¿½ve guessed it.
Not me certainly.

Triple H wins it!
HE IS GOING TO THE BASH!
Very exciting.

Trump appears on screen,
Why wait until Bash, Hunter?
Beat Orton next week!

Ugh. No commercials?
When am I supposed to pee?
During the whole show.

Next Week: No commercials? No problems. I heard Subway is due for a bailout any day now, guys! Donald Trump takes his roll as new RAW owner very seriously, by showing up, not knowing who anybody is, and then bringing out Piers Morgan for no reason and firing Kelly Kelly Kelly. Also, Triple H.

E-MAIL MATT
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES

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