In any event, I missed two weeks worth of RAWs (the three hour and the commercial free one), and I got so far behind in my other stuff, that I just couldn’t pull my head out of my ass long enough to write last week. I’m sorry.

So here’s an extra long, extra dumb Satire to make up for it.

Last Week: Donald Trump orchestrated the worst trade in WWE history, finally pushing that one time where Smackdown traded Triple H for the Juniors Division off the top. Then Trump quit to run for Governer of Alaska, and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” ran the show into the ground. Also, the star of the show was Mark Henry. So…dwell on that. TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

I thought Lillian Garcia quit. Damn you for getting my hopes up!

Apparently, The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase bought RAW from Batista for $100 and a bag of Swedish Fish, which is understandable. I don’t think Dave had the willpower to say no to fruit flavored candy. No matter how “Swedish.” DiBiase’s got the Million Dollar Belt, which is nice, but isn’t it time to give the poor guy a new nickname? I mean, I’d love to have a million dollars, but for Ted, it just seems like he didn’t invest his money wisely or something. He’s only had a million dollars for 30 years now!

I guess that’s what he gets for hanging out with IRS.

Ted DiBiase: Hahahahaha! I can’t believe I own Monday Night RAW! I have a lot of ideas for what I’m going to do with this show, and most of them revolve around how I’m going to book it just like everyone else who’s ever run this show! Hahahahahaha! To that end! Here’s The Lemony!

Ted DiBiase Jr.: Hi, daddy!

DiBiase: My son and Cody Rhodes are two kids of former wrestlers, and one of them is my kid, so that pretty much means that I think they’re the best wrestlers ever. I mean, how can the spawn of my loins and the offspring of Dusty Rhodes’…uh…splotch, not be two of the best, most charismatic wrestlers on Monday Night RAW? To that end, I’ve decided to book them against Edge and Chris Jericho at Night of Champions. Provided, of course, that Edge doesn’t or…uh…hasn’t already suffered a serious injury. Depending on when this show airs. Hahahahaha!

DiBiase Jr.: I love you, daddy! This totally makes up for twenty years of Christmases where you ignored me or gave me Virgil’s socks for a present!

DiBiase: Hahahaha! Now, Cody, how did you feel about Mark Henry beating Randy Orton last week?

Cody Rhodes: I couldn’t believe they think Mark Henry’s going to get over as a face, to be honest.

DiBiase: Hahahahaha! My thoughts exactly! That’s why we’re going to help him by booking you in a match against him!

Rhodes: Why?!

DiBiase: Because everybody loves seeing you get the crap kicked out of you, Cody.

DiBiase Jr.: Dad’s got a point there, Cody. That’s going to do wonders for Mark’s Q rating.

DiBiase: But wait! There’s more! I honestly couldn’t stand Bob Orton. Partially because that guy still owes me ten bucks, and if I had that ten bucks, I could be the Million and Ten Dollar Man right now. So I’m breaking up the Lemony, starting tonight when I book my baby Ted Jr. against Randy Orton! Hahahahaha!

DiBiase Jr.: Being vaguely associated with Randy is the only thing keeping me on TV right now, dad! No way!

DiBiase: Everybody’s got a price, Teddy, and if I know you as well as I think I do, then I know yours.

DiBiase Jr.: You better not just have another pair of Virgil’s socks.

DiBiase: Nope. A bag of fun sized Cool Ranch Doritos I bought from the vending machine on the way out here.

DiBiase Jr.: AGH! I’m powerless to resist!

Rhodes: Ted! Think about what you’re doing! We can’t break up with Orton now!

Then, Ted DiBiase kicks the basketball Cody was bouncing away.

DiBiase: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Edge and Chris Jericho v-
 
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Aw man, I thought we weren’t doing those any more.

Edge & Chris Jericho vs. Carlito and Primo Caribbean Cool

This is non-title because Ted Dibiase is a huge jerk, and also because now we don’t even need a reason to put Jericho and Edge on every show. Edge is looking pretty spry for a guy with no ACL. SPOILER ALERT! Jericho’s Twittering “Yo Momma” jokes to The Miz in the corner, which is probably a better use of his time, to be honest with you. Primo accidentally has better facial hair than Carlito, and big brother is tres offended. That means…three offended, I think. Edge wins with a Spear on Primo. After the match, Carlito punches Primo and then throws him at Michael Cole. A fate worse than death!

Seriously, though, you guys had a good run. Or maybe not, I missed most of it. Anyway, backstage, the Lemony is trying not to break up.

Randy Orton: Todd, I love you like a brothel! So please tell me you aren’t going to take your farther’s ill gottened Kewl Ramp Torpedos! All you have to do is faller over! Then I win and we’re all harpy!

Cody Rhodes: Don’t mess this up for me, man! This stupid stable is the only thing keeping me employed! Or at least off ECW.

Ted DiBiase Jr.: I don’t think you guys understand how much I really want Cool Ranch Doritos right now. So…I’m sorry, Randy, but I’m going to fight you tonight. And you know what? I’ve got a pretty good equilibrium, so I think I’m going to win.

Orton: Why I never! Lisbon here, you! I’m going to beat you to DESTINY~! Because I am Ranky Q. Morgan. Legend Kill Guy. And you? Are knock.

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Now’s as good a time as any to talk about the implications of WWE’s big trade:

RAW Gets:

Jack Swagger: Former ECW Champion, and he kind of looks like this guy I spilled my drink on at a house party back in 2003. So…Sorry, Jack Swagger!

Evan Bourne: Used to be A.J. Styles.

Gail Kim: Former Korean Cell Phone Salesperson of The Month (May 2004) and “Knockout” which somehow manages to be both more and less offensive than “Diva.”

Alicia Fox: She dated Edge and then danced around.

Mark Henry: Heh.

Smackdown Gets:

Matt Hardy: Poor Smackdown. At least Matt can bitch about Jeff directly now.

Natalya Neidhart: Her goatee is staying on ECW, unfortunately, and is being gifted to Chris Tian in a last ditch attempt to get him over again.

David Hart Smith: This career is OVER!

Tyson Kidd: I have no idea who this is. But what a horrible nickname.

Dave Finlay: Probably bitched about being 90 and still working ECW.
 
ECW Gets:

Shelton Benjamin: But not Kofi Kingston, unfortunately. On a side note, poor Shelton.

Goldust: Aw…So that means he’s going to get fired again soon, right?

William Regal: Oh man! Whose dog did he pee on to get this assignment! OH! Was it Linda’s? It was Linda’s, right?
 
ECW also got the negotiating rights to Ricky Rubio and “cash considerations,” which sounds like something the people who don’t appear on stage get for showing up to The Price is Right. Clearly, Tiffany is the best General Manager. Oh, ECW also got someone called Bella Twins. I think he wrestled in Ring of Honor for a while. Check with Ring of Honor historian Ric Flair if you get a chance.

Maryse and Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim and Alexis Laree
 
Is this a heel turn or not for Alicia? I have no idea. Wasn’t she a face when she was with Alex Wright? As Michael Cole starts to let the Maurices roll, I can’t help but be a little disappointed that they’re blowing this match off so early. I guess Maryse can go back to feuding with Kelly Kelly Kelly for a while. It’s only the Diva’s Title, after all. Gail wins with some kind of…maneuver (That’s her move!), so I don’t know what the point of all this was. To turn Alicia heel, I guess? Unless she already was. Then…uh….

Backstage….

Ted DiBiase: …and that’s why I invested all my money in short-term, high yield loans.

Cody Rhodes: Oh! So that’s why you’re still only the Million Dollar Man!

DiBiase: Shut it up, kid. Now what did you want?

Rhodes: I brought in this sack of nickels, and I figured I could give it to you, and I wouldn’t have to fight Mark Henry.

DiBiase: What’s in there, like, five bucks?

Rhodes: $4.70, actually. Plan B was that I was just going to take this and hit Mark with it.

DiBiase: Tell you what, kid. Keep your nickels. I’ll let you skip out on your match tonight if you kiss my feet.

Rhodes: That’s it?

DiBiase: That’s it! Hahahahahahaha!

Cody goes to kiss Ted’s feet, but Ted pulls them away at the last second.

DiBiase: Hahahahahaha! Now go get your ass kicked like your dad! And I’m going to make you a polka dot onesie! That’ll get you over!

Rob Van Dam: Duuuude. I tried to warn you!

Rhodes: I’m sorry, Rob. I should’ve listened.

DiBiase: Hey, kid! I’ll give you $4.70 in nickels if you can shove fifty pieces of bubblegum in your mouth at the same time! Hahahahahaha!

RVD: Really?!

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Mark Henry vs. Cody Rhodes
 
What ever happened to Tony Atlas anyway? Did he finally make a fortune off that grill of his and leave WWE forever? Gosh, I hope so. Poor guy. Mark Henry’s gimmick is still “Fat Strong Guy” so I can see why they think he’ll be a huge face. Big Show’s a heel now, right? Can’t they have Mark be the “Fun loving guy who loves to have fun” and then swap with Show when he turns face again in a few months? Cody gets hit with a body slam (“That’s his move!”), and then bails on the segment altogether. I do not blame him.

Backstage, John Cena is admiring Shia LaBeouf’s acting career.

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Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase Jr.
 
So they’re actually going to do this? Scandalous! What must Sim Snuka be thinking right now? Besides “Where am I going to get a job?” I heard he tried to get into a club in Vegas as an Andrew Dice Clay impersonator, but he got beat out by Dice himself. EY! Give me a break. I’m still rusty. And if you don’t, I’ll punish you with another All Twitter Satire. That’ll learn you. CHINLOCK~! to start things off. I’m honestly a little disappointed that Ted didn’t game plan for that one.

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You know, I’m also a little disappointed that this isn’t the main event. Yeah, I know we’ve got Cena/HHH going on later tonight, but Ted DiBiase’s kind of pulling one over on his son here. “Sorry, kiddo, but you’re not cool enough for the main event.” Unless Hunter is sleeping with Ted’s daughter. Wait. Does Ted have a daughter? Ehh…I don’t care enough to look it up. That’d be something though, wouldn’t it? Triple H having an affair with the GM of the week’s daughter. Now look what you made me do, Ted! You made me ignore your son’s match in favor of Triple H fantasy booking. I hope you’re proud. Orton wins with…oh, I don’t know. Let’s say a CHINLOCK~!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with Triple H.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here, and I’m standing by with Triple H, and Hunter, I’ve got to ask you, what do you think about Ted DiBiase booking his son on the undercard, when it probably should’ve been a main event?

Triple H: Josh, let me tell you, whenever I fight John Cena, it’s a big match. Tonight is like…Wrestlemania! If we were holding Wrestlemania in the middle of nowhere. And nobody came. Which…realistically speaking is only five years away, so…what was your question?

Matthews: It was about Ted DiBiase…both of them…and had nothing to do with you or John Cena.

HHH: Fair enough.

Matthews: So who’s going to win tonight? You or Cena?

HHH: Nobody, Josh.

Matthews: Because…you’re going to beat each other to a pulp, and even though at the end of the day one of your hands will be raised in victory, nobody won because you both came out weaker for the match?

HHH: No, idiot! The match ends in a no contest! Look, we had this match last week, remember? This week we’re in Australia, and I’m wrestling The Ghost of Nathan Jones.

Matthews: But this interview is going to be airing this week, which is technically last week. So you just gave away the results of a match that hasn’t happened yet, even though you already had it.

HHH: AAAGH! Don’t do this to me Josh! My brain can’t handle any more time paradoxes. Not since that time we skipped over Wrestlemania and landed smack dab onto the set of the Golden Girls reunion.

Rob Van Dam: As something of an expert in time warps, perhaps I could assist you two fine dudes in figuring out what day it is, and whether or not Mr. Helmsley here just gave away the results of tonight’s main event, or last week’s.

HHH: NO!

Matthews: I’m siding with Hunter on this one.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

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Here’s clips of MVP at the BET Awards. To remind you, I guess, that he is black.

And now, MVP is holding the VIP Lounge with Jack Swagger. I hope MVP doesn’t spill a drink on him.

Montel Vontavious Porter: So, welcome to RAW, Jack! Tell me, how does it feel to go from being a big deal in ECW, to basically being on the same level as Jamie Noble?

Jack Swagger: I feel like a million buckth becauth at leatht I’m not an exth-con like you!

MVP: I’m not even sure what that has to do with anything.

Swagger: You went to jail! You kidnapped thomeone! I’m an All-American American! A former ETheeW Champion! What have you done in your career? Gone to the BETs with Therry Thepherd?

MVP: First of all, going to prison was actually pretty cool, because it helped me learn how to beat up people like you. Secondly…You’ve lost to Tommy Dreamer.
 
Swagger: I-

MVP: Ah-ah-ah! Whatever you have to say from this point forward is completely negated by the fact that you lost. To Tommy Dreamer.

Swagger: To-

MVP: Tommy Dreamer, man! That’s it. Done. Somebody take these chairs out of the ring, the VIP Lounge is over. Tommy f’n Dreamer, man. I don’t know about you.

Backstage….

Ted DiBiase: I’m really proud of you. You actually had a singles match on RAW. Way to go!

Ted DiBiase Jr.: Why didn’t you put me in the main event, dad? That’s straight up cold. Saying your son is an under carder. No better than Jamie Noble!

Jamie Noble: God! Would you people leave me alone?!

DiBiase: Look, everybody’s got to start somewhere, and hooking your star to the Sultan of Suck Randy Orton and friggin’ Cody Rhodes isn’t helping anybody.

DiBiase Jr.: YOU NEVER WANTED TO PLAY CATCH WITH ME!

And Ted Jr. slaps Ted Sr. and runs away.

Noble: So…anybody going to eat this fruit tray?

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Kofi Kingston vs. Evan Bourne
 
Surprisingly, this isn’t for the X-Division Title. Kofi tries to make Evan’s transition from ECW a little easier by being Shelton to start. But Shelton wasn’t in ECW when Evan was there, so Bourne just looks confused. It was a nice thought though. Bourn hits his move (That’s His Move!) for the win. Big Show comes tromping out, and beats both Kofi and Evan up for no reason. Truly, he is the Millennium Man. Show laughs about the destruction he’s wrought, mostly because he’s keeping Mark Henry from having any of his old gimmicks.

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John Cena was at FYE last week, begging people to buy a copy of 12 Rounds, but nobody was biting, unfortunately. By last week, I think I mean two weeks ago. Or possibly five. Wait…What time did their plane touch down in Australia, again? Anyway, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena.
 
WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you to respond to the outrageous claims by Triple H earlier tonight that your match has already occurred and ended in a draw.

John Cena: You know, Josh, he’s right. Our match has already happened, and neither one of us won. But if you think that means that I’m not going to go out there last week and have performed to my highest abilities? I’m not going to have gone out there and gave everything I’ve got to Triple H?! You’re wrong, Josh! I don’t care what’s already happened! Dammit, I am going to have beaten Triple H to a pulp until there’s nothing left of either of us, which will be beaten by Randy Orton in about ten seconds at Night of Champions, which also may have already occurred!

Matthews: I didn’t understand a word of that.

Cena: THE CHAMP WILL BE WAS HERE!

Triple H v-
 
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Triple H vs. John Cena
For the #1 Contendership to the WWE Spinnin’ Title
 
So you may have heard, but this match very well might have already taken place. I’m not exactly sure. What the hell is wrong with Australia that they can’t have a show from there anyway? It’s all the criminals isn’t it? Damn you, MVP! This is all your fault! Anyway, I have to admit, knowing the finish or not, this is way more interesting than Ted DiBiase Jr. vs. Randy Orton. Good job, Ted. Cena and Hunter both bail to discuss what it was, exactly, that they did previously for this match. You know what, I’m going to take a break too.

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Dammit, my strawberries are moldy. What cruel fate has conspired to prevent me from eating this fruit of the land. Er…I probably should’ve eaten them last week when I bought them. I still can’t believe Hunter lets himself get hit with the “You Can’t See Me.” Doesn’t he know how bad that makes him look? Especially, like, five minutes into the match? They trade finishers for a while, until both guys are down and neither feels like getting up to finish the match. So The Lemony hits the ring and beats them both up. It’s a DRAW! WHAT A SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Randy Orton: Fortoothe! Neither Triopoly H or Joe Cedar could win this match which took please four and twirpy fortnights ago! So I guess I have the night off at Night Off Curtains!

Ted DiBiase: Hahahahahaha! Guess again, Randy! You’ll have to face both guys!

Orton: Again? For the eleventeenth time this month?

DiBiase: What can I say? I couldn’t come up with a different match!

Next Week: Ted DiBiase ends up selling the show to Hornswoggle for some knock-off Lucky Charms. Also, Triple H manages to participate in a match that won’t happen for another four weeks. And the Lemony’s split is further teased when Dusty Rhodes shows up and says “Mothaship.”