Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and holster of the WCW Girl’s Chocolatechip, makes very clear, in no certain terms, that he is a better father to Cody than Dusty and a better mother than Sapphire. That was kind of a cheap shot. This draws out Cody Rhodes, who will not stand for anybody making fun of Sapphire.

And Cody basically tell Randy to shove off, because, really when was the last time Randy got him a shot at a World Title? Orton’s feelings are hurt, and Dusty threatens to hit as many Dusty Finishes as necessary tonight, to make sure that our WWE Champion is…Cody Rhodes?

I hate you, Dusty.

Backstage, the Goose meets with the Ganders.

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I could’ve sworn that the Goose got fired after they cancelled Internet Heat.

Beth Phoenix vs. Gail Kim vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox vs. Rosa Mendez vs. Jillian Hall
In an American Dream Battle Royal

Dusty loves him some women, but women’s wrestling? Not so much. Rosa’s out ten seconds in. Move it along, ladies. They should’ve painted splotches on or something, at least. Jillian starts biting people as an eliminating move, and it’s surprisingly effective. Man, Ariel would’ve gone over gangbusters in this match. They be clubberin’ for a couple more minutes, until Beth finally knocks Gail out for the win. I apparently missed Kelly’s entire involvement in this match, which…is ok by me.

Chris Jericho is out now too. Just for fun, I guess.

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Chris Jericho vs. Montel Vontavious Porter

Tonight, MVP stands for Moody Voluminous Porker. Sorry, Dusty. This is to set up their tag match at WWE Terrible PPV Name. I miss Cyber Sunday. I would make these guys fight in a Bagged Lunch on a Pole match. Mark Henry and Big Show would kill each other. Jericho with the Walls for no reason at all, because they’re only, like, a minute in. What does he think this is? A women’s match?

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When we come back, Jericho’s locked in a CHINLOCK~! proving once and for all that Randy Orton really is the best wrestler on this show. Jericho whiffs on the Lionsault, so Montel follows up immediately with a Ballin’ Elbow Drop. Jericho with the Codebreaker for the win. Well, that was nice. Putting Jericho over to promote the WCW DVD and all. Is it bad that I’m more looking forward to the Show/Henry match? Especially if it’s Bagged Lunch on a Pole?

Backstage, Dusty is watching the WCW DVD and laughing at all the stupid stuff he did as a booker. Then he cries when he remembers that he, Flair, and Funk were pretty much the main event for a stretch there. Which included a match over a donkey. Sadly, that stretch was also pretty much the highlight of Dusty’s career for the last 20 years. I just can’t wait to hear his interviews for the Rise and Fall of TNA DVD.

Anyway, DX flops into the picture to promote their DVD, which came out three years ago, and is just a painted over version of a VHS that came out ten years ago. So…yeah. We’ve been at this for a little while, you guys. Anyway, DX wants to know why they’re not getting a title shot tonight, and friggin’ Cody Rhodes is. Dusty, of course, is all, “I’m pretty sure I didn’t father either one of you.”

Then they all go out for popcorn, and they’re going to spend the rest of the show watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Best segment of the show.

Elsewhere, Hornswoggle is dressed as Gary Coleman dressed as a cowboy. I take it back, this is the best segment of the show.

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Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
In a Texas Bullrope Match

Dammit! COAL MINER’S GLOVE! Why is this so hard? Chavo’s in a cow suit, so we all know where this is going. If you guessed 300 billion “cow” puns from Cole and Lawler, you win! Horny rides Chavo around to start. Man, I think Vickie picked the perfect time to leave. Evan Bourne is out, and probably wondering what the hell happened to his career. Welcome to RAW, Evan! The bull head gets turned around on Chavo’s costume, and he misses Hornswoggle winning the match. Chavo finally struggles free, only to get hit with a Tadpole Splash, much to the delight of my four year old niece.

Backstage, Big Show looks like he could really use some lunch.

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Big Show vs. Mark Henry
In a Bagged Lunch on a Pole Match

I wonder what’s in there. Probably a ham sammy. Or some cold pizza. Damn it. Now I want some cold pizza. Or a Ham Sandwich pizza. The story of the match is that while Big Show is tall, strong, and fat, Mark Henry is strong and fat, but not quite as tall. WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson looks like he’d rather be watching the WCW DVD. How come he doesn’t have his own section? He was the best referee in the whole company. They trade restholds for about a half hour, while both are recovering from all the effort of walking to the ring. Then they decide to just split the lunch. It’s a microwave burrito! Delicious! I guess we’ll call it a draw.

Ted DiBiase is backstage trying to figure out what Cody’s going to do. Probably the same thing you did, jerko. What ever happened to Tito DiBiase or whatever his name was. I know he hates wrestling, but he was just here! Cody doesn’t really say anything of note, because he’s Cody Rhodes, so Randy Orton runs in and says that everything that happens tonight is, “just buildings.”

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Backstage, DX and Dusty are watching Paul Blart and chatting about WCW. Dusty blames pretty much everything on Hall and Nash, proclaiming that if he and Flair and Funk were main eventing that whole time WCW never would’ve had a rise to fall from and it’d still be around today!

Hunter and Dusty bond over the fact that Shawn Michaels was a pretty terrible champion, and nobody wanted to watch him prance around when they could watch Alex Wright prance around just fine on TNT. Shawn storms off mumbling about it all being Bret Hart’s fault.

With nobody else around to make fun of, Hunter ponders whether or not Hall and Nash are still living under his couch, and then he calls Dusty fat.

Carlito vs. Jack Swagger vs. The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
For the WWE United States Title

Well, it’s nice to see Miz get his title shot, I guess. Is there anyone who looks like he could give less of a crap that Carlito? That guy is like the new Rob Van Dam, except that nobody else cares either. Miz starts off the match by bailing to the outside, which is pretty much the smartest thing you can do here. But then he gets in right away, which is just dumb. The guys are having a good match here, but sadly, that lasts all of about ten seconds, and then everybody but Swagger backflips out of the ring. Jack doesn’t do that crap.

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Swagger locks in a half crab, which is the laziest move of all time. Do the full crab or don’t even bother, man. Even a CHINLOCK~! is more exciting. Miz tries to roll up Swagger while he’s flailing around to keep everybody off of his pin, which is pretty much the best move I’ve ever seen in one of these matches. Everybody goes nuts hitting their finishers for a couple minutes (except Swagger, who might not even have a finisher), before Kofi ends up on top for the win.

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Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James
For the WWE Divas Title

Boy, I guess a “Future Match” has a liberal interpretation lately. See, this is why Dusty should be booking instead of watching DVDs. I’m blaming this second Women’s match entirely on him. This wouldn’t have happened on my watch! This pretty much plays out exactly like the 500 other matches they’ve had in the past couple years, with Beth being too strong for Mickie to do any moves, but Mickie’s ass being too big for Beth to do any power moves. After a while Beth just gets exhausted from having to work two whole matches in one show, and Mickie hits her with a DDT for the win. Women’s match of the night!

Backstage, DX and Dusty are listening to the Director’s Commentary of Paul Blart. Dusty invokes the ghost of Magnum T.A., and Hunter and Shawn have a good laugh. Hunter hypothesizes that, if he’d ever won it, Magnum would’ve lost the title to The Shockmaster. Shawn is all, “The Who?” because apparently he just started watching wrestling last week. It’s not Jim Neidhart, Shawn!

Suddenly, Arn Anderson, doing his best Ole impression (not a good one, mind, but his best!) introduces Shockmaster II, who breaks down a paper wall and immediately beats the hell out of Sting for laughing at him the last time. DX is finally sick of all of this, so they bail out to go find some microwave burritos. Shockmaster II reveals himself to be Santino Marella! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Dusty immediately lays out Santino and Arn with Bionic Elbows.

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Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with John Cena. He wonders if Cena will help Cody beat Randy Orton to change up his match at Terrible PPV Name, because…Cody Rhodes. Cena immediately starts yelling about a completely different topic, before rounding things off by saying that the newspapers won’t be proclaiming that he and Cody Rhodes are in cahoots tomorrow. Something tells me that no newspaper would say that, even if you were. He says that no matter who is the WWE Spinnin’ Champion, they’re going to have to break through a brick wall to get past John Cena. He better hope Shockmaster doesn’t win it tonight!

Elsewhere, Dusty is trying to give Cody some advice, but Cody can’t understand a word of it.

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Cody Rhodes (w/ Dusty Rhoes) vs. Randy Orton
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title with Special Guest Referee John Cena

Goldust couldn’t even get a cameo tonight? Laaaame. Then Dusty hits the Bionic Elbow on Cena. HEEL TURN~! He be clubberin’. Cena starts to fend off Dusty, but Ted DiBiase cuts him down. DX comes down to fight off The Lemony, but Dusty waylays Hunter with a cowboy boot. They’re his kryptonite! And seriously, Dusty? DX are your best friends in the whole world! Weren’t you paying attention all night? I mean…I wasn’t. But still. Dusty starts to celebrate with Lemony, but Dusty is only wearing one boot, and he slips and falls over. Orton wins! Cody looks…betrayed. Orton looks…like he has a sinus infection, actually. You better get that looked at, Randy!

Next Week: Join us as our guest host turns on John Cena and sides with Randy Orton for reasons to be explained later. Ok, it’s because he’s John Cena. Wouldn’t you? Plus, Lillian Garcia’s Retirement Tour reaches Cher levels. Also: Santino Marella in the Gobbledy Gooker costume.