(Opening Credits)

Howard Finkel is out. Awesome! Is Lillian finally gone? Have they done the right thing?! Anyway the Fink is out to introduce the new owner of RAW, Booooooooob Baaaaaarker! And the contestants for the Price is RAW? Santino Marella, Irwin R. Schyster, Jillian Hall, and Chris Jericho. Bob’s got the tiny mic!
 

Bob Barker: Excuse me? I’ve been doing this for 90 years. It’s serious to me, mister.

Jericho: Why did you even buy RAW? That makes no sense. It’s so weird.

Barker: I thought I heard Drew Carey was on the roster, but I guess I was mistaken. Anyway, what’s the first item up for bid?

Howard Finkel: It’s this brand new copy of WWE Smackdown’s Best of Anthology, Bob!

Barker: Ok, Santino, what would you bid for that?

Santino Marella: I bid-a One Million-a Dollars!

Barker: You’re an idiot. Ok, Jillian?

Jillian Hall: Actually, I’m going to pass on that DVD. Can I just sing the Yodeling Guy theme instead?

Barker: No. IRS?

Irwin R. Shyster: Ok, where did we get this DVD? Was it at Amazon? Shopzone? Walmart? Because it’s a different price everywhere you go. And has Smackdown really had enough good moments to warrant a whole DVD? Especially if we can’t use any of the Angle or Benoit stuff?

Barker: I’ll take that as a pass. Chris?

Jericho: I’ll tell you what, Bob. I’ll give you five cents for that stupid DVD, because I pretty much make up the majority of the content. And you know why, I make up-

Barker: And the actual retail price is $19.99! The winner is Chris Jericho!

Jericho: I won? I WON?! YAAAAAAH! WOOOOO! I can’t believe it! What game do I get to play?! Is it Plinko? I love Plinko! Can I play Plinko?!

Barker: No, you can’t play Plinko, but you could win a fabulous trip to Hawaii with the Bella Twins if you can beat MVP!

Jericho: I don’t get any vacation time, when am I going to get to go to Hawaii?

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Chris Jericho

Tonight, MVP stands for Most Versatile Prices. Montel is always on the ball. I guess you could say he’s “Ballin’.” I mean, I wouldn’t say that. But you could. You probably would too, wouldn’t you. Jerk. Dammit, Lillian is still out there. Go home! Jericho opens with a rest hold, which is always nice to see. I guess all that jumping up and down when he found out he won really took its toll on him. The Price is Right is serious business. Just ask WWE Superstar Drew Carey. Jericho bails so we’ll be back in two and two.

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Seriously though, is Chuck Woolery doing anything these days? He’d pretty much be the best host for this show. Maybe he can hook Santino and Beth back up considering how their careers have gone since the split. What are the Bella Twins doing here anyway? Do they come with Jericho and Show? That’s pretty fair, I guess. Jericho with the Walls, but MVP rolls through it. Jericho counters the Playmaker into the Codebreaker, but MVP counters that with another roll-up (that’s his…move?) for the win. After the match, Montel celebrates. I don’t know what he’s so happy about. Jericho was going to take hum with to Hawaii.

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Backstage, Bob Barker is with Kelly Kelly Kelly.

Bob Barker: How’d you like to hold my microphone, Kelly?

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Um…No. Even I’m not that stupid.

Shawn Michaels: Hey, what’s going on out here? People being stupid? I’m down with that.

Triple H: Hey, Bob! You got a price is right game for us to play?

Barker: Not really, but it is nice to see some guys my age on this show. Now, just spin the wheel and make the deal.

HHH: ….

Michaels: ….

Barker: What are you waiting for?

Michaels: There’s usually a midget.

Shawn spins the wheel and it lands on “Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters.”

Michaels: Aw damn. Can I spin again?

Barker: Yes. But remember, you can’t go over a dollar.

Michaels: Um…huh?

HHH: Give me that thing.

Hunter spins and lands on a dollar!

HHH: Awesome! Do I get a bonus spin now?

Barker: No.

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Chavo Geuerrero vs. Evan Bourne

At least it’s not Hornswoggle. Bob comes on the Titantron and says that if Chavo can actually win for once, he’ll be able to ride home in this NEW CAR! Chavo looks excited even though it’s not a lowrider. Didn’t Eddie teach you anything? So Evan pretty much does some backflips and spins around while Chavo wanders around the ring for a good portion of the match. It’s well on its way to match of the night honors, when Hornswoggle shows up and starts playing the Grocery Game. Chavo gets so distracted at Hornswoggle asking for 8 bags of kitty litter, that he misses Evan Bourne rolling him up for the win.

Backstage, John Cena is punching holes in the wall. I don’t think you’ll find any money in there, man. Just saying.

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The Chicago White Sox are here, because they literally have nothing better to do.

John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes

Cody gets on the mic before the match and bitches that while, yes, Randy Orton did beat his dad last week, it was partly Dusty’s fault for taking off his boot. So the moral of the story is that Cody’s going to stay in The Lemony, which is great news. For everybody who hates The Lemony. Cody threatens to make Cena tap tonight, which is pretty friggin’ funny. Cena goes for the FU, like, five seconds in, so let’s go ahead and take a commercial break.

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Hey, you know what I’d rather be watching than the match? The fake Price is Right set they built for this episode. Thanks, WWE! Actually, I’m probably dead serious about that. The Price is Right set is more interesting than Cody Rhodes. Couchy wiggles out of an STF. Rhodes went for the Figure Four, but he has no idea how to do it, so that’s enough of that. Cena got the STF on finally, but Randy Orton runs out to break it up. That’s enough for the DQ, but Cena no-sells all of that and tries to get the STF on Orton, who wiggles out. I guess he learned something from Cody after all.

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Hey, you know who is coming back next week? Former RAW owner “Dave” Batista “Davidson.”

Bob Barker’s back out. TNA Superstar A.J. Pierzynski is in contestant’s row now. He gets booed immediately. Barker assumes that it’s because they’re all Cubs fans, but it’s not. Everybody just hates A.J. Pierzynski. Also, it’s football season. Nobody cares about baseball.

Bob Barker: Ok, we’re bidding on this trip to Wrestlemania. Who wants to go to “Wrestlemania?” A.J.?

A.J. Pierzynski: Screw You! HAHAHAHA! I’m on TV! Woo!

Barker: Well, ok then. Irwin?

Irwin R. Schyster: Wait. I’m bidding on a trip to go to a show I’m supposed to go on? Does this mean that I’m going to be fired? Oh, God. I need to take a second to process this. What a way to get future endeavored.

Barker: Jillian?

Jillian: Big Bucks! Big Bucks! No Whammies and STOP!

Barker: Ok. I’m done with all of this. Now I remember why I quit. Santino, just say a dollar amount.

Santino Marella: $420.

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All Right!!

Barker: Whatever. You win. Now how would you like to win a hot tub?

Santino: Isn’t that-a a worse prize-a than the one-a I just won-a?

Barker: Shut up.

Santino Marella vs. The Big Show
In a Body Slam Challenge

Can we really believe that Bob booked any of this? There hasn’t even been a women’s match. Show slams him in ten seconds. They play the “Wah Wah Wah” music! But Bob still has to ask WWE RAW Referee Justin King what a “Body Slam” is. Unfortunately, the ref hasn’t been paying any attention.

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The Big Show vs. Mark Henry
In a Body Slam Challenge

This is still for that hot tub. The Bella Twins are looking kind of pruny right now. Sadly, I don’t think either of these two would fit in that hot tub. I’d apologize, but I think both guys realize it, because they’re not trying very hard. Isn’t Mark supposed to be the World’s Strongest Man or something? Or did that change when he got fat…ter? Henry finally gives up and slams Show. Maybe he can use the hot tub to soak his beard. MVP comes out to celebrate for no reason. You don’t have an awesome beard to soak, Montel. Back off.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is sitting by with Bob Barker.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here and I’m sitting by with Bob Barker. And, I have to ask. Bob Barker? Really?

Bob Barker: Well, why not me? I can’t buy a wrestling show?

Josh: I just…you know, this is just like some kind of weird hallucination. I really shouldn’t have eaten that second pizza. I’m going to go lie down.

Barker: Can I plug my book first?

Josh: No! You didn’t even write it!

Barker: Well…would you like to hold my microphone?

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Apparently, Bob’s already sick of this show, and Trish Stratus has put in a bid on RAW. I guess that Yoga thing is really taking off.

Backstage….

Bob Barker: I don’t see what’s wrong with this book. There’s plenty of great stories about all the pricing games, and 150 pages of erotic fan fic about the Barker Beauties, which I’ll have that hottie Josh know that I did too write.

Chavo Guerrero: Why in the world are you telling me this?

Barker: I just figured I’d try to cheer you up after you lost to AJ Styles earlier. That had to be pretty embarrassing.

Chavo: Embarrassing has been my middle name around here lately. I can’t beat up a midget or AJ Styles. It’s hopeless.

Barker: Come on now. Do you want to play Hole in One? We’ll make it for $1,000. What do you say, you used to be a golfer, right?

Chavo: Yeah. I guess. Hey, does that mean you watch the show?

Barker: Nope. I’m just so old I know everything. Now line up that putt.

Chavo lines it up, but misses the hole.

Chavo: That’s all right. It’s Hole in One or Two, right?

Barker: Not for you it isn’t.

And then Bob takes Chavo out with the putter.

Barker: Still got it! Remember everyone, have your pets spayed and neutered. And if you’ve watched this whole show…think about that for yourself too. Goodbye, everybody!

Backstage, Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters and Randy Orton are arguing about the price of Garlique Brand garlic pills.

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Degeneration X vs. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters and Randy Orton
In a Glow Stick Battle

Chris Masters in the Main Event? Why I ne-

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Schinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Rather than cooking, DX is down here making penis jokes and talking about Siegfried and Roy. A bold strategy by the challengers.

Fukui: Yes. Leave it to DX to be right on the cutting edge of cultural relevance.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Something’s really been bothering me lately.

Fukui: I’m afraid to ask.

Hatori: Why did Randy shave off all his hair? Was it to avoid the drug tests? To emulate his idol Sinead O’Connor? To make himself more aerodynamic?

Fukui: I honestly don’t know.

Hatori: I hear he’s sleeping with your mom too. I’ll ask her.

Fukui: Aah-

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead.

Fukui: Anybody want to guess as to the nutritional content of a glow stick? Here’s a hint: It’s not good.

Ohta: Looks like it doesn’t matter, because the Iron Chef and his partner can’t agree on the price of a can of Campbell’s Soup. DX wins!

The Lemony hits the ring after the bell rings, and then they hit DX. That seemed like kind of an unnecessary step, but I guess that’s why I’m not in The Lemony. Also because my dad wasn’t a wrestler. And I’m not a wrestler. Or in shape. Jesus, this segment is depressing. Anyway, DX chases Lemony backstage, where they fight some more. There’s a camera shot that somehow manages to go through a wall somehow, which is pretty cool. It’s not even one of the ones Cena punched!

Rob Van Dam: Dude, I spent all day on that wall!

But Lemony ends up driving off in somebody else’s car.

Tough Enough Jessie: Now how will I get away from Bob Barker? WAAAAAAAH!

Bob Barker: Hey, guys. I was just asking Jessie here if she wanted to hold my microphone.

Meanwhile, in the ring…..

Randy Orton: Look at those! Degentrification Y is so disappointment that they can’t even joke about Seinfeld and Wah. And that, my fiends, is why I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and Holster of the WWWF Girl’s Chocolatchip, am a Legend Kill Guy and Holster of the WWWF Girl’s Chocolatechip.

But wait! John Cena has finally punched his way out to the ring.

RVD: Aw, come on!

Cena chases Orton around, the ring, backstage, out the door, and then up a mountain. I didn’t think Chicago had any mountains, but…why not. Cena charges hard, but Orton suddenly stops at $25, and Cena falls off the edge. Wah Wah Waaaaaah. Orton wins!

Contestants not appearing on the show get nothing.

Irwin R. Schyster: Boo.

Next Week: Trish Stratus immediately regrets buying RAW, by realizing that she just bought RAW. John Cena celebrates winning the Spinnin’ World Title at WWE Terrible PPV Name by actually wearing a halfway decent outfit for once. Also, DX celebrates their big win by crying about the fact that a win over Cody Rhodes is considered “big” now.

Elsewhere….

Mark Henry: So…No Showcase Showdown?

Triple H: Sigh….I guess not. I really needed a new camper too. It’s really time for Scott and Kevin to move out of the house.