Jesse Ventura: Randy Orton, did you know that I was the Governor of Minnesota one time? I’m still not quite sure how that happened, but now that I’m out of the political realm, I can come out here and wear feather boas and paint my beard again. It feels good, let me tell you. But your friendship with my action figure man aside, I’m not going to give you a title shot.

Orton: Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Ventura: No, I’m going to give a title shot to someone in this building who’s never had one. A fresh new face that will lead RAW into the next decade. So forget Triple H or Shawn Michaels or Big Show or…The other guy. I forget. I’m looking for new blood!

Orton: Like Sheamus?

Ventura: God, I hope not.

Orton: Well, you should’ve readered the header, then, Vulture!

Ventura: I ain’t got time to read. Anyway, also tonight, John Cena versus some guy named CM, DX versus the Harts in what I’m sure will be a terrible match, and…other things. Things I don’t remember right now.

Kofi Johnston comes out for the first match and he and Orton sigh at each other. It’s going to be a long night, folks.

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Kofi Johnston vs. Dolph Ziggler
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier

I guess another thing that Jesse ain’t got time to do is know who the hell is on this show. If Dolph wins this whole thing (ha!) and gets the title shot, does he get to bring the belt back to Smackdown if he beats Cena (ha!). I guess stupider things have happened, but it’s kind of a waste trying to pull off that particular logic tornado around someone like…Dolph Ziggler. You know, now that he’s a stripped down jobber and no longer Shelton, Kofi’s more over than he’s ever been before. He’s like a modern day Barry Horowitz, he is. Trouble in Suburban Ghana for the win.

Apparently, Michael Cole is thankful for women’s deodorant, and Jerry “” Lawler is thankful for the Disney Channel in HD. Backstage, The Miz is thankful for the fact that, because he is on this show, he doesn’t have to watch it.

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Sheamus vs. Finlay
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier

Finlay’s had a title shot, right? He has to have. Aren’t these guys, like, second cousins thrice removed or something? Don’t make brother fight against brother, man! Think of the children…or Hornswoggle anyway. I would pay a million dollars if Horny came out and tried to put an end to this match by dressing up as Bono. And then Drew McIntyre would come out and pelt them all with potatoes. Or…sign one of his hit songs from back when he was in N*Sync. Sheamus with the Razor’s Edge for the win. One more win…for the good guys. Of course, he has to totally ruin it by following it up with a bicycle kick (the finisher of champions!).

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Backstage, Teddy Long and Vickie Guerrero are having dinner.

Teddy Long: You know what I’m thankful for Vickie?

Vickie Guerrero: Finally appearing on a show people actually watch?

Long: Holla Holla, playa!

Eric Escobar: Hey! I’m on TV! Look the hell at that. Wow.

Vickie: Teddy, can you pass me the potatoes?

Teddy: Unfortunately, Drew McIntyre ran off with them. Lord knows what that boy is going to do with a hundred gallons of mashed potatoes.

Escobar: Hey, Vickie! Wanna eat cranberry sauce off my pecs?

Vickie: Who are you, again?

Elsewhere….

Jesse Ventura: No! I’m not changing my name. I had it first.

Tough Enough Jessie: I HATE YOU! WAAAAAAAH!

Randy Orton: Jimmy?

T.E. Jessie: Yes?

Orton: No, no, the other Jimmy.

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAH!

Ventura: Look, I know what you’re in here to do, you’re going to say that you not getting the umpteenth title shot despite not winning a match in a month is a “Conspiracy Theory” which, oddly enough, is the name of my new show on TruTV. Then I’m going to tell you to kick a bunch of people in the head and make fun of Vince McMahon.

Orton: Actively, I was just wandering if you’d seen Stanky run by here holding a giant bowl of postidos. I’m hungering.

T.E. Jessie: I saw Drew McIntyre walking around with a b-

Orton: No bunnies asked you!

T.E. Jessie: I miss Todd Grisham! WAAAH!

In the ring….

CM Punk: You know what I’m thankful for? Hair grease. That stuff is a real lifesaver let me tell you. Also, pickle varieties that start with a “B,” holes in the Straight Edge code that allow me to have as much promiscuous sex as I want, and fat people. I love the fatties. Gobble gobble.

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CM Punk vs. John Cena

Man, I barely even remember CM Punk. The only thing I even remotely remember is that he’s Paramore’s favorite wrestler, and given that their last video was about killing a little girl I don’t know what that even means. What the hell was talking about? A John Cena match? Jesus, let’s go back to talking about yams or whatever. Some birthday present this match is. Oh, it’s my birthday, by the way, did you know that? What did you get me this year. Please don’t tell me it’s Sheamus.

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CHINLOCK~! by Punk, but Cena’s not having any of that. He just feuded with Randy Orton for 900 years, that’s not going to stop him. It’s finisher-palooza after that. I think both these guys want to get backstage and have some yams. You know what’s really good with yams? A little brown sugar and some caramelized marshmallows. You know what doesn’t go good with yams? A John Cena match. Cena finally hits an Attitude Adjustment off the ropes for the win. Nobody looks more relieved about this than Punk, which is honestly kind of funny. Match of the night.

Backstage…

Jesse Ventura: -and that’s how I won an election.

Vince McMahon: So you’re saying we go with Linda McMahon action figure commercials?

Ventura: That’s a waste of money, Vince. Just shoot her from far away and nobody will know the difference.

Vince: You’re all right, you know that, Jesse?

Ventura: You won’t be saying that once I make you wear one of the old Saturday Night’s Main Event suits and a bowtie, Vince.

Vince: Are you kidding? I’ve dreamed of this day for the last twenty years! I’ll go get my tiny microphone!

Ventura: I hate you more than you’ll ever know.

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Chavo Guerrero, Jack Swagger and Chris Masters vs. R-Truth, Mark Henry, and Montel Vontavious Porter
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier

Tonight, MVP stands for Many Voluminous Pecs. Seriously, though, I thought this was supposed to be a night where people who’d never had a title shot got a chance to get a title shot. Henry’s been ECW Champion, so has Swagger, and R-Truth…has…been…bahahahahaha! Sorry, I couldn’t do it. I tried, so you have to give me credit for that. I like this type of match though. It’s WWE realizing, “Nah, we’re not going to do a bunch of singles matches, we’ve got too many backstage segments” and then throwing out as many people as they can comfortably get away with. R-Truth hits his move (That’s His Move!) on Masters for the win. Wait. Really?! Gettin’ Rowdy!

Backstage….

Shawn Michaels: That guy really moved tha thang out there.

Triple H: Shawn, why did you Superkick me last night? I thought we were friends!

Shawn: What gave you that impression? You’ve done nothing but put me down, get me involved in stupid tag matches, and had me turn heel on a leprechaun since I’ve been back. You know I was happy being semi-retired? Dammit, Hunter!

HHH: Come on. Come ooooooooon!

Shawn: Ok, yeah. We’re still friends. I love you, man.

Clarence Masoncito: I’m the world’s foremost little lawyer, and my client, Hoothoot is suing you guys for use of the letter H. See you in court next week, bitches.

Shawn: I…almost expected this.

HHH: Wasn’t he the cutest little lawyer? Omigosh, Shawn! We should have a whole division of those guys. It’d be a ratings bonanza!

Super Porky: I agree!

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Evan Bourne vs. Primo Colon
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier

But wait! Randy Orton throws Primo off the stage and runs down to the ring. Does Orton really expect this to work? Really? I mean, yes, I know it’s Randy Orton, but come on….

Jesse Ventura: You know what? I don’t really care enough to say anything about this.

Evan Bourne vs. Randy Orton
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier

You know, I sort of love how lazy WWE’s being about booking this show. It’s like…”We have to fill HOW many hours? Ugh…Ok, whatever.” After all, nobody needs to break through more than Randy Orton. Bourne actually gets more offense than you would think in this match (two moves), but eventually, he can’t help himself from falling over. Orton wins! Finally, Randy Orton is getting the chance to move up the card that he deserves. I can only hope that WWE strikes while the iron is hot and gives him his own show that isn’t RAW.

Backstage, the Divas are getting dressed. What the hell is that all about?! I want women in bikinis wrestling in pumpkin pie mix, dammit! What has this show become?!

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You know what’s fantastic? The Marine 2. Ted DiBiase is the best John Cena of all time. Backstage he and Cody Rhodes are talking about this, but they’re not mic’d up, thank God. See? I can be Thankful for something!

Speaking of being Thankful, Michelle McCool, Layla El Layla, and Jillian Hall are in the ring dressed as Pilgrims, which means that the Face Girls will be dressed as Indians, which surely makes up for years and years of mistreatment. Tatanka would be proud. Michelle tries to complain about the fact that, just because she’s sleeping with Undertaker doesn’t mean that she wants to dress like him, but she’s interrupted by the Gobbledy Gooker. Uncle Hector’s looking pretty spry these days.

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Michelle McCool, Layla El Layla, & Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James, Kelly Kelly Kelly, and Melina
With Special Guest Timekeeper the Gobbledy Gooker

I take back everything I said about Tatanka, because they’re using his theme music for the Indians. Ok, well, at least it’s still the faces, I guess. If Kelly and Mickie weren’t the two best looking girls in the match, I’d say the Pilgrim costumes were hotter. As it is, Michelle and Layla have had enough with this match, so they bail, leaving Jillian to get rolled up by Mickie (That’s…her move?) for the win. Afterwards, Melina, hilariously, tries to convince herself that winning a six woman tag gimmick tag match was good for her career, when suddenly she’s attacked by the Gooker! Wait! That’s not the Gooker at all, that’s Maryse! She’s a secret furry! Or…feathery…I guess. Mickie and Kelly are already backstage eating jello. Sorry, Melina.

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Degeneration X vs. The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya)

Hey look, everybody! It’s the Canadian Bulldog! And…whoever the hell Tyson Kidd is. This is going to be the best match ever. EVER! Is there anybody in the world who thinks that The Harts are going to win this match? None of them are even real Harts! This is the lame offshoot Hart Foundation that we got because Teddy couldn’t keep his pants on. Or stop doing backflips. Superkick, and a Pedigree and that’s it. Well…at five minutes, they lasted four more than I thought they would.

Chris Jericho: Hey! Guys! Did you hear DX was fighting JeriShow at WWE Another Gimmick PPV?

Triple H: No. Somehow the match that we’re in slipped our notice.

Jericho: Um…did you know Big Show isn’t here tonight?

HHH: Yeah, I heard he was too fat to get into the car this morning. Dude, are you trying to make us attack you?

Jericho: Dammit, Hunter, this pay per view is going to be serious business! I need you at your best!

Shawn: I’m with him, Hunter. This show is going to be serious business. I heard they’re going to have “Chair Matches.” I don’t have any idea what that is, but I can’t wait for it. Even if it’s going to be Maryse/Melina or Cody Rhodes/Kofi Johnston.

Jericho: You know what? I’m just going to go ahead and leave.

Backstage, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” is on the WRONG SHOW.

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And now he’s in the ring. Wonderful.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am in the RING! I beat up Rey Misterio because he is not my FRIEND! He is too SMALL! And he wears a mask all the TIME! Wait a SECOND! Is this SMACKDOWN?!

You know what this show has needed a hell of a lot more of?

Kane: Dave, this is RAW. Get backstage before you embarrass yourself. More.

Batista: I like Fig NEWTONS!

Kane: Ugh…too late. Well…I tried.

Batista: Who wants to play Apples to APPLES?!

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Cryme Tyme vs. The Lemony
In a Breakthrough Battle Royal Qualifier

If you put these guys together you’d very nearly have Lyme Tyme, which would either be a great stable, or a terrible outbreak of disease. You know, for all their many, many faults, I kind of miss Cryme Tyme. Sure, they were terrible, but they were mine. Like…having a kid and putting his C Report card on the fridge or something. You really tried this month, Cryme Tyme! Way to go. Except instead of a report card, I would put up the ten seconds where they were in a stable with John Cena. Ted hits Dream Street on Shad for the win. Aw.

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Backstage….

Gail Kim: Oh, man! Look at all this pie. This reminds me to be thankful. Like, I’m thankful for not having to be in TNA anymore.

Alicia Fox: And I’m thankful that I’m not a jobber who gets naked for Korean cell phones.

Gail: Do you really want this apple pie in your face?

Alicia: Only if you want some of this coconut cream action.

Santino Marella: Ladies, ladies-a! I’m so-a sorry the Diversity-a Five reunion-a didn’t work-a out! But that’s-a no reason to turn-a this segment into-a the Three Stooges-a!

Of course, Santino gets both pies. And a lemon meringue and banana cream courtesy of the Bellas, and a pumpkin from Eve. Vickie comes in to try to sneak in a shot with some French silk, but Santino dumps it on her, instead. Mmm…French Silk.

Tough Enough Jessie: OH NO! MY PIES!! WAAAAAAAAH!

Hey, it’s Jesse Ventura and Vince McMahon out to do commentary. They both look old and ridiculous. This should’ve been done at MSG.

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Breakthrough Battle Royal

Ignoring any of the in-ring stuff for now (and trust me it’s always safe to do that), the real story of the match is Vince and Jesse ripping each other apart on commentary. You kind of get the feeling that Jesse’s been waiting 20 years to do this, so he’s not holding back now. Also hilarious is Vince pointing out the logical fallacy of having a “Breakout” Battle Royal in which the competitors (including Randy Orton!) have all basically had title shots in the last year, and a handful of them have already been champions. If you count the NWA Title, that is. Kofi channels Shelton briefly and throws Randy Orton out, but Sheamus dumps him at the six minute mark. All this build up for that?! And SHEAMUS is main eventing a PPV? Sure it’s only WWE Another Gimmick PPV but Sheamus? Really? No. Really? Sheamus?! Mmmhmmm.

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Now we get a contract signing, which is like the icing on this great Sheamus cake. Maybe he’ll hit a Bicycle Kick (the finisher of champions!) and put Cena out of his misery.

Ventura: Has this show always felt this long? Youch. Now, do you two have anything to say before we sign paperwork in what I’m sure will be simply enthralling TV?

Sheamus: Me, you guys? Really? I mean, not that I don’t appreciate it but…come on. You do realize that my most significant feud on this show to date was with Jamie Noble…right?

Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! YOOOO!

Ventura: Ok. That’s enough of that.

Cena: YO!

Sheamus what is this?
Some kind of joke?
What kind of pipe,
Did Triple H toke?

I keep thinking,
Men are from Mars,
Women from Venus!
What planet birthed Sheamus?

I think you know it,
You know what it’s name is,
The origin of this guy,
Was trippin’ on Uranus!

I cannot believe,
Barely a RAW Main Event,
Putting it on Pay Per View,
Every other match is spent.

I’ll just tell you this once,
Let me make something clear,
You are Sheamus,
And the CHAMP IS HERE!

Ventura: I’m really sorry I asked. You know, I used to hate champions like you, that were just merchandise whores who appeal to young women and children. And I still do. You are the worst.

Sheamus loads up and BICYCLE KICK TO CENA~! THE FINISHER OF CHAMPIONS~! Then he throws him through the table or whatever. For what it’s worth Jesse looks kind of sad to have been involved with this.

Next Week: It’s all Sheamus, all the Time, which means you should probably wear some sunglasses. Also, Triple H and Shawn Michaels have the most serious midget lawsuit ever. EVER! And…Verne Troyer. For some reason.