Last Week: Johnny Damon spread Christmas cheer, mostly by not saying too much. Also, Chris Jericho revealed that he was actually Santa. And DX learned something about being midgets or something. Maybe they’ll remind me…TONIGHT!

Outside….

Chris Jericho: Come on! Let me in! Fans? Don’t you want to see me on RAW? Wait…why am I out here trying to get into RAW? That’s a horrible idea. I hate this show.

Tommy Dreamer: Tell me about it.

Jericho: What are you doing out here, Tommy?

Dreamer: I quit the other day, so I can’t go in either.

Jericho: I know that. So why are you spending your free time hanging out outside of RAW? I mean I get why I’m doing it. To absorb as much TV time as possible. But why you?

Dreamer: I just sort of realized that I have literally nothing better to do than show up at WWE events like I always did. And even though I’m not getting paid, it’s not really any different than ECW.

Jericho: Nothing better to do? Aren’t you still married to Beulah?

Dreamer: Yup. Ok, I’m out of here! Have fun being the new me!

Jericho: Oh God. Oh no.

(Opening Credits)

John Cena is in the ring, and he looks pissed off about something. Probably just realized he’s feuding with Sheamus. Poor guy.

John Cena:

Can’t believe I lost
In a stupid match,
Sheamus has the title,
Man, what’s the catch?

He barely won the title,
Now he’s got my belt,
Spinnin’ World Champion?
More like Stupid World Celt!

But I’m not going to cry,
Or drown myself in beer,
Because I’m too stupid,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Or…was here. Because I lost. To Sheamus.

Sheamus: I know I’m lame, but how in the hell did you ever win the title in the first place?

Cena: WWE UNIVERSE!

Cena dumps Sheamus through a table. Good to see them keeping their champion strong.

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Backstage, Timbaland is surrounded by beautiful women. Ok…It’s just the Bella Twins and Gail Kim.

Timbaland: Where in the hell did all the girls who were in my music video go?

Bella Twins: They were almost all fired!

Timbaland: Don’t ever do that again, unless it’s whispered lightly into my ears.

Gail Kim: I won a wrestling match!

Timbaland: I don’t care! Um…I don’t care about John Cena or Sheamus, so I probably won’t book that match tonight.

Kim: Aren’t you, like, personally offended by everything John Cena does and stands for?

Timbaland: I rerecorded One Republic’s “Apologize” by saying “Yeah” a lot, and pretended that it was my song. I even released it as my single at the same time as they did.

Kim: He brought Tha Trademarc to rap.

Timbaland: He must pay!

Elsewhere…

*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Cody Rhodes: Dude, I can’t believe they picked you to be The Marine II. I would have been so much Marinier.

Ted DiBiase: Do you really think anybody would pay to see a movie starring Cody Rhodes?

Rhodes: About as many would watch a movie staring you. And by that I mean zero.

DiBiase: Touche.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WTO Girl’s Chocolatechip. And general men, I must admin, The Lemony has been a failure.

Rhodes: I can’t disagree.

DiBiase: Being with you has meant nothing to our careers.

Orton: None of us hold typos, none of us win mattress, hell we can’t even put away Kodi Johansson.

DiBiase: I don’t disagree.

Rhodes: We’re with you so far.

Orton: That’s why I’m brokering Todd against Evil Bored and Couchy against Matt Hardy, and the loser gets kickered out of the Lemony for ether!

Rhodes: He gets Evan Bourne…EVAN BOURNE! And I have to fight Mark Henry?!

Orton: To be pharaoh, Todd is the star of The Margarine 22, and you, Couchy, are nautical.

DiBiase: I’ve never been so proud of an accomplishment in my life.

Outside the arena, Chris Jericho weeps into an old PPV shirt.

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Chris Jericho status: Still outside. Still crying. He’s sitting at a desk now, cradling a Singapore Cane. When he realizes what he’s doing, he throws the cane and starts bawling again.

Ted DiBiase vs. Evan Bourne

Did you want to check out some sweet behind the scenes clips of The Marine Too? Check it out, bro! Ted DiBiase is, like, a marine or something! Evan starts backflipping to start. Thank God they’re taking this TNA threat seriously. Bourne actually does hit a couple moves, before Ted manhandles him, finishing things off with a Dream Street for the win. After the match, Randy Orton sort of claps, but you can tell he’s kind of pissed that he can’t seem to shed Cody or Ted.

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Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Henry

Mark throws Cody across the ring to start. An auspicious beginning for Couchy. The story of this match is that Mark Henry is big, fat and strong, and Cody Rhodes is…Cody Rhodes. Whatever happened to Mark coming out and dancing and rapping, anyway? MVP is really slipping in trying to get Mark over. The finish comes when Henry is so fat that he injures his own knee and Cody DDTs him for the win. Randy Orton is actually livid at ringside, because DiBiase is one thing but this…Still, he’s nice enough that he hugs Couchy after the match.

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Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse

Leave it to Michael Cole to point out that these are the only two women on this show that were actually in that Timbaland video. That still doesn’t justify this match, though. Actually, other than Mickie these two are pretty much my favorite women’s wrestlers, so whatever. I can’t hate Timbaland for this. Maryse with a DDT (She stole that move from Cody!), and then she crawls over Kelly for the win. That was…huh. Women’s match of the night! Afterwards, Maryse challenges Melina to a match for some reason.

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Outside….

Big Show: Jericho?! What in the hell are you doing standing outside? Shouldn’t you be at home?

Chris Jericho: Show! Show! You’ve got to help me! I think I’m turning into Tommy Dreamer! I mean I hate RAW, but I’m still here…like I’m addicted to it. And I need to be accepted or I’ll cry.

Show: That’s ridiculous. Look, you’re getting a little weird, and I’m pretty sure I want nothing to do with you anymore.

Jericho: Are you breaking up with me?!

Show: Um…Yeah. I guess I am. Look, here. Take this mysterious envelope. It will explain everything.

Jericho: Goodbye, Show! We’ll always have that one RAW where we beat Cryme Tyme!

Show: Love the goatee you’re growing, by the way.

Jericho: NOOOOO!

Tough Enough Jessie: God, you’re such a baby!

Jericho: Oh yeah?! Well…maybe you’re the baby!

T.E. Jessie: WAAAAAH!

Jericho: WAAAAH!

Meanwhile, in the ring….

Vince McMahon: So, I guess everybody read on the Internet that Bret Hart is coming in here. Well…You know what? Bret screwed Bret again! Did you see that picture of him in those Hammer Pants a couple years ago? I’ve done everything in my power to get rid of all the Hammer pants that infected WWE a few years ago, and I’m not about to allow them back in. No sir. And then a couple years ago? At the Hall of Fame induction? He ate all the split pea soup. The whole pot! And he didn’t even say thank you! I’ll never work with Bret Hart again.

Shawn Michaels: Never say never, Vince! Like never say that I won’t ever have another match against The Undertaker! Because that’s the feud I’ve decided to have this year.

Vince: Aren’t you supposed to be in DX for Wrestlemania this year?

Shawn: Ugh…As much as I’d love that I’d love to pretend like I was going to end The Streak even more.

Vince: Honestly, I don’t even care. I’m too obsessed over this feud with Bret Hart, so you do whatever you want. I thought you’d have my back on this one.

Shawn: Oh, as much as I hate Bret, and was creeped out by that whole HBearK thing a few years ago, but it’s all water under the bridge. I’d be happy to see him again!

Vince: That’s not really convincing coming from you.

Shawn: After the stroke, I’m pretty sure I could take him.

Vince: That sounds more like the Shawn Michaels I know and love. You’re on! Bret Hart will buy RAW next week!

Timbaland: Don’t I get a say in that?

Vince: Nope.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you…how in the hell did you lose the title to Sheamus?

Cena: Well-

Mathews: I mean this is the same guy that just lost to Goldust not a couple months ago….

Cena: You see, Josh-

Mathews: No. No answer you give will be good enough. Goldust, John. Gold. Dust.

Then Sheamus shows up and punches them both in the kidneys.

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Backstage….

Bella Twins: Timbaland’s CD must really be tanking if he showed up here tonight.

Gail Kim: I just think that’s creepy. Knock it off.

Timbaland: So what is this? The segment where we get all the black people on the show together because the host is black?

Montel Vontavious Porter: Pretty much. Seriously though, Justin Timberlake? What’s that all about?

Timbaland: That guy has made me a toooon of money, man.

Kofi Johnston: Am I late?!

Timbaland: No, whoever you are. You’re not late. Man, I’m so pissed off. I had it all set up that I was going to sell RAW to Bill Gates for a really sick computer.

Kofi: I’m going to win the U.S. Title tonight!

Timbaland: Pfft. MVP has a better chance of winning it than you!

MVP: HEY!

The Miz: Nobody’s winning the U.S. Title because I’m already the champion.

Kofi: Wait, really?

Timbaland: Really?!

MVP: Really?

Gail: Really?

Bella Twins: Really?

Gail: Knock that off!

Miz: Yes. Really. Hey Gail, wanna go make out next to Jericho?

Gail: Hecks no! I only associate myself with losers! Like Kofi here!

Kofi: Ye-HEY!

The Miz vs. Kofi Johnston

Kofi actually has to win this match before he gets his title shot, so he’d better be extra Shelton here tonight. Man, that last segment really drove home to me how lame the U.S. Title picture is right now. And I even like most of these guys. Of course all Cole and Lawler want to do is gibber about Bret Hart and, for some reason, Sheamus. Bret is like the Brett Favre of the WWE! And Sheamus is…translucent. Trouble In Suburban Ghana! Kofi wins!

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Kofi Johnston vs. The Miz
For the WWE United States Heavyweight Title

Woah, I got a serious case of déjà vu for a second there. I thought they said that this match was exactly the same as the last one. Oh…wait. That’s because it is. Except the title is on the line this time, which is nice. I really miss Miz’ hat. And when he wrestled in jorts. I know I shouldn’t be as bothered by that as I am, but there it is. Kofi hits the Trouble in Suburban Ghana (again), and looks poised to win, when suddenly he trips over Miz’ ring gear and falls over. Orton wins! Bring back the jorts! Randy doesn’t seem too interested in the U.S. Title, so he gives it back. Man, quit bitching about not having any titles then!

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Backstage, Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

Josh Mathews: Randy, do you have anything worthwhile to add to tonight’s proceedings?

Randy Orton: John Mayhew, I didn’t even know there was a Unionized Steak Typo.

Mathews: I thought not.

Degenera-

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Degeneration X vs. The Big Show and Chavo Guerrero

Jericho is sitting at ringside holding up signs about The Dudley Boyz for some reason. I guess I’d rather be Joel Gertner than Tommy Dreamer too. No offense, Tommy. I guess the mysterious envelope was tickets? Or maybe there was a sharpie in there to write the signs? I don’t know. Or care, really. I was wondering why in the hell Show would choose to team with Chavo here, but looking at the RAW roster who the hell else was he going to pick? Alicia Fox? Swagger maybe, but Show probably wouldn’t like getting spit on all the time. Hornswoggle comes out to lend some moral support, but Chavo attacks him. But then he walks right into the PEDIGREE TO CHAVO! DX wins. Jericho hops over the rail, but Shawn Superkicks him, and then HHH makes out with Francine for some reason. The moral of the story is that Jericho and Show get a rematch next week.

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Timbaland and the ladies are out. I’m a little pissed that nobody’s theme music has been slightly altered by Timbaland tonight. What was the point in letting him buy the show?

Timbaland: Man, I don’t even like wrestling. Here’s the bastard that brought Tha Trademarc to music. For that I will never forgive him.

John Cena vs. Sheamus
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title

I will never, ever get used to putting Sheamus’ name second there. Not even two years from now when he’s working on his seventh World Title. You know for all the pasty white-boy jokes we make about Cena, Sheamus is ridiculous. At least now we know what would’ve happened if Test won a World Title though, I guess. And not, you know…died. After a couple minutes of Sheamus utterly failing to do anything of note, Cena picks him up for the FU. At a loss for how to properly handle being picked up on a guy’s shoulders, Sheamus grabs WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda’s collar and screams, “He’s picked me up! HEEEELP!” So Chioda calls for the bell. Niiice. Sheamus is so slick! Cena tries to jump Sheamus after the match, because he’s kind of a dick, but Sheamus counters with a BICYCLE KICK! THE FINISHER OF CHAMPIONS! Sheamus reigns supreme!

Sheamus: I can’t believe I’m still the champion!

Next Week: Bret Hart comes out, frowns, and then leaves. Plus, Chris Jericho and the Big Show are defeated by a midget. And Sheamus Bicycle Kicks Dick Clark in the face.