Last Week: For some reason Spike TV was showing an old episode of Nitro. For probably the very same reason, WWE popped a way higher rating with Sheamus as champion. Oh and…Bret Hart too I guess? Maybe something will happen…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hey, it’s Mike Tyson! The crowd loves him, because these idiots from Minnesota don’t know any better. What good has come out of Minnesota anyway? I mean…wait…Me. I came out of Minnesota. And I’m an idiot! Yay, Mike Tyson!!
 

Mike Tyson: Hi everybody! I’m never going to fight again, but it’s nice that I’ve been able to trade in on my fame and beating up my wife to do things like buy Monday Night RAW and host it here in the best city in America, St. Paul! Or wherever!

Sheamus: You know, I’m the WWE Spinnin’ Champion, and I haven’t had an opening segment interview? I’m tired of these shows being about DX or the hosts or…like…Justin Roberts. I should be in this segment!

Tyson: You don’t have to get all up in my face about it, Chucky!

Tyson takes a swing at Sheamus.

Sheamus: What the hell, dude! I was just saying that I wanted to be in the segment with you! Chill out!

Randy Orton: Shameful, Mice Tikon, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WWE Girl’s Chocolatechip! And the Regal Rumple is coming up, and I want to be the nugget one collector!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YO! MAPLE GROVE, WHAT UP?! How about them Packers? I know they’re very popular in these parts! And the Brewers! Does this area have any sports teams? The Minnesota Thunder? Mike Tyson! I remember you? NES right? Are we going to replace you with Mr. Dream halfway through the show?

Dusty Rhodes: I hope so! Takin’ it to tha motha ship, if you wheeeeel!

Tyson: Not again!

Tyson takes a swing at Dusty.

Kofi Johnston: Hey, what’s going on out here, guys? A segment? Cool, cool.

Orton: Koffee Kingman! My archnermalsis!

Kofi: Isn’t it about time somebody else gets a WWE Title shot? When was the last time a new guy got a shot at the WWE Title?

Sheamus: Um….

Tyson: Shut up, Sheamus, nobody asked you. I never ducked a challenge in my life. Except that time I bit off Evander Holyfield’s ear. But then I was hungry. I guess what I’m trying to say is….

Tyson takes a swing at Justin Roberts.

Sheamus: DAMMIT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SEGMENT!

(ads)

Kelly Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox
In a Divas Title Tournament Match

Oh man, I’m so sad that I missed this match live. Stupid work, I couldn’t imagine how amazing it would be to see Kelly run around in circles for two minutes, until she gets rolled up for a loss. Oh, I’m sorry. Spoiler alert! I wonder if Alicia’s sad that her dancing partner got fired this week. I wonder if she ever remembers his name, because I don’t. I’ll call her up later, because she’s totally in my home town, wherever that is. Alicia hits a power bomb for the win. I guess it wasn’t a roll-up after all!

(ads)

Mark Henry and Evan Bourne vs. The Lemony

Cody starts off with a *CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT* about how he’s going to win the Royal Rumble. And then Ted DiBiase has a good laugh about that until somebody told him that literally nobody has watched The Marine 2: Prince Caspian. The hilarious thing is, of course, that Cody and Ted were indeed among the last people in the rumble last year, even though everybody knew they were never going to win. Anyway, Cody hits his move (That’s His Move!) on Evan for the win. Thanks for coming out tonight, guys!

Backstage….

Triple H: What’s a four letter word for “Type of power tool” the last letter is a 2.

Shawn Michaels: I don’t think you’re doing Sudoku right, Hunter. Hey, man, I’m going to go talk to Mike Tyson.

HHH: What? That’s nuts! I mean, Bret’s a guy who, fine, you want to let bygones be bygones because the guy is old and had a stroke. But Mike Tyson could still probably knock you out, Shawn. And besides, that angle where he suddenly joined Austin didn’t make any sense. And then you hurt your back and were out for a billion years and missed all the good wrestling.

Shawn: Did you see The Hangover?

HHH: Um…no. I had a hangover a couple days ago, though.

Shawn: Did you see the Tyson documentary?

HHH: No. OH! But I had some Tyson chicken for dinner!

Shawn: I hate you, you know that? I’m going to go outside and breath in some of this Minnetonka air, and then go talk to Mike Tyson.

HHH: I’m going to sit back here and make derogatory remarks about a short adult man. Laters!

(ads)

Backstage, a camera randomly swaps from shooting Tyson at length and a tight shot at his nostrils.

Mike Tyson: You know what I like to do? Watch myself get beat up in this video game!

Shawn Michaels: Mike, I just wanted to say that I know you tried to beat me up in 1998, but you know what? It’s cool. I forgive you.

Tyson takes a swing at Shawn.

Shawn: Dude! I was trying to forgive you!

Tyson: I’m sorry. Force of habit, I guess. So who are you?

Shawn: Shawn Michaels? Remember? From DX? You hung out with us for most of the first part of 1998 until you punched me for Stone Cold Steve Austin for no reason at all?

Tyson: That doesn’t really sound like something I would do.

Chris Jericho: Hey guys. What’s up?

Shawn: Haven’t you been kicked off RAW forever, like, five times now?

Jericho: Yeah, and I swear one of these times it’s actually going to stick.

Tyson: Is this all you guys do? Wander around backstage and interrupt each other’s conversations?

Shawn: Pretty much!

Tyson: Man, I shoulda been a wrestler!

Shawn: I don’t know, man, Undertaker doesn’t take well to being eaten.

Tyson: I’ve got a great idea! Degeneration X vs. This blonde guy and me! Mike Tyson!

Shawn: That sounds really terrible, but you know what? Whatever. Now I’ll finally get to punch somebody I’ve hated for years.

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella
In a Royal Rumble Challenge Match

Jack Swagger’s gimmick is apparently repeating every fourth word he says now. Well, I guess somebody needed to fill Ken Kennedy’s role. Santino says he’s going to drop Swagger like a bicycle with no kickstand, which seems like it wouldn’t be a particularily good bicycle. Swagger also looks like he’s aged about ten years since he was in ECW, which is weird. So now he looks 12. Swagger goes to toss Santino about ten seconds in, but he trips and falls over the top rope. Santino wins! Somehow, I doubt this will have any bearing on the actual rumble whatsoever.

Backstage, Kofi, Cena, and Randy Orton are playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. That’s where that went!

(ads)

Randy Orton vs. Kofi Johnston vs. John Cena

John Cena is not a popular man in Eagan. I will say that much for him. Neither is Kofi, really, but what do you expect for a guy named “Kofi Johnston.” You know who is popular? Randy Orton. I can only explain this by mentioning that it’s the middle of winter, and most of these people haven’t left the house in about three months. They probably relate to Randy’s caveman sensibilities. Either that or he’s really struck a nerve with Minnesota’s surprisingly large “totally wicked sleeve tats dude” crowd.

(ads)

Haha CHINLOCK~! Now I remember why Randy’s so popular around here. His amazing and diverse moveset. Cena locks in the STFU, but that goes nowhere, mostly because he locked it in on Justin Roberts. Kofi with the Trouble in Suburban Ghana on Cena, but the Lemony breaks things up. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton manages to miss all of this because he’s signing autographs in the crowd. There’s a time and a place for that, man. Sheamus senses the end of the match coming and wanders out, and sure enough Couchy takes out Cena and DiBiase ties Kofi’s bootlaces together. Kofi tries to stand up but he falls over. Orton wins! Randy is really upset about this for some reason, and throws a massive temper tantrum totally missing his chance to have an awesome staredown with whoever the WWE Champion is right now.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Matthews is standing by with Mike Tyson.

WWE Diva Josh Matthews: You’re not going to take a swing at me are you?

Mike Tyson: Josh, I’ve learned from my mistakes! I could never hit anybody as beautiful as you.

Hornswoggle: What about me? Could you hit me?

Tyson: Man, I would just swing over your head, Huckleberry. I can’t bend at the waste, silly man. But if I ever catch you, I’d probably eat you for dinner.

Hornswoggle: I literally believe that.

Tyson: Sadly, it wouldn’t be the first time.

(ads)

Hey, Miz is backstage! Good for him!

The Miz: Did you know that I’ve been kicked out of the WWE locker room, like, 900 times? On time I ate a referee’s bag. Sorry WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan! That’s what you get for making your bag out of KFC. And JBL was all like, “Hey, Miz! When are you going to take a shower? Because I dropped some soap in there and I need you to pick it up!” Well you know what? Who do I look like? Evan Bourne? Ok…a little, but still. And why am I facing MVP? What in the hell has he done in the last year other than lose matches and force Mark Henry to rap. That’s not worthy of a US Title shot! That’s worthy of going back to jail. Like the women’s prison in Shakopee!

Montel Vontavious Porter: Man, I did not get all dressed up in my Sunday finest just so you can call me a girl and tell me that I’ve been to prison. I’ve kidnapped and assaulted ! What have you done? The Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Trishelle? This isn’t The Real World, Miz, this is the real world!

Miz: Um…No it’s not. This is RAW. Which is pretty much the exact opposite of either real world.

MVP: Do you really want a piece of this, right here in Owatonna? Do you want me to unleash my inner penguin? Because I’m an animal and this is a circus!

My Darling Stacy: That’s what I’ve been trying to say this whole time!

Then MVP takes off all his clothes and throws Miz over the top rope. JUST LIKE IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE! Match of the night!

(ads)

Eve Torres vs. Katie Lea Burchill
In a Divas Title Tournament Match

Apparently Katie Lea got fired from ECW one of those weeks I wasn’t watching. This was news to me, but mostly because I didn’t even know she or Paul were even still in WWE. Hey! Isn’t the next step down from ECW TNA? It sure as hell isn’t RAW. Or maybe it is! I’ve been writing about the wrong show this whole time!! Chris Jericho is going to be especially pissed. Maryse is on commentary, back to yelling at Michael Cole for not knowing how to pronounce her name. Eve wins randomly with a roll-up (The Official Finisher of the Women’s Division) while Maryse eats a crepe.

Backstage, Vince McMahon is watching Carlito hit on Gail Kim. He’s like the World’s Creepiest Dad.

(ads)

Vince is now in the ring.

Vince McMahon: You know what? Screw Bret Hart. Laters.

Ok then!

(ads)

You know who just bought RAW? The comedy duo of Nash Bridges and Napoleon Dynamite. Wait…Huh? Seriously, you guys, what could Phillip Michael Thomas possibly be doing right now?

Degeneration X vs. Chris Jericho and Mike Tyson

Shawn’s all about harassing Undertaker about their “Wrestlemania Match” rather than doing the DX catchphrases at the beginning of the match, so Hunter has to do it all himself. Is it just me or has Mike Tyson lost about 200 pounds and six inches over the past few years. The guy looks tiny. Tyson tags in early on and gets into a shoving match. You know he’s going to turn on Jericho here (SPOILER ALERT) because

A) He’s wearing a T-Shirt

And

B) He isn’t even *trying* to punch Michaels, and that’s his move(!)

Shawn gets outwrestled by Mike, so he tags out to Hunter, and Tyson doesn’t try to punch him either. Then Shawn pulls down Jericho’s pants. Hornswoggle comes out in boxing gear, and it looks for all the world like Tyson is going to eat him, but WAIT!

Tyson rips off his shirt to reveal an nWo shirt! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Then a TNA shirt! An Austin Shirt! Gossip Girl! Conan O’Brien! A shirt promoting Mass Effect 2! A shirt promoting the release of Tommy Dreamer (he finally got his own shirt!)! Another nWo shirt! Another nWo shirt! And finally a DX Shirt. Jericho is stunned. PUNCH TO JERICHO! THAT’S HIS MOVE! DX wins! I guess!

After the match, Mike Tyson has waaaaaay too much fun pointing at his crotch while his son comes into the ring and hangs out awkwardly next to everybody. Then Mike eats Hornswoggle and the crowd in Rochester goes wild.

Next Week: Crockett and “Tubbs” solve the mystery of where the hell Nitro went. Also, The Undertaker makes an appearance on RAW to tell Shawn that he’s not interested in having another match at Wrestlemania so leave him alone, Geez. And also, if there’s time, Sheamus.