Kelly: Is it already time for the Pokipsy 200?

Edwards: Don’t mess around, Kelly! Don’t you know who I am?

Kelly: Not…really?

Edwards: You remember when those two awesome dudes Kyle Busch and…the other one bought RAW?

Kelly: Nope.

Edwards: I know John Cena!

Kelly: Omigosh, you’re not Tha Trademarc are you?

Sheamus: Where’s Tha Trademarc? I’m gonna give him the world’s worst Bicycle Kick!

The Bella Twins: The finisher of champions!

Sheamus: Well, yeah. It is. But knock that off. Anyway, the Super Bowl of wrestling is coming up an-

Kelly: No Way Out is the Super Bowl of wrestling?

Sheamus: Well, no-

Here’s Chris Tian. Huh? Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to note how much better his music was when that girl sang it. Sorry, dude.

Chris Tian: So, look, I’m trying to get rid of this thing, so who wants a genuine ECW Title? Come on! You can join the hallowed ranks of wrestling luminaries like Steve Corino, Justin Credible, and Tommy Dreamer!

Sheamus: No thanks, man. I’m already skating on pretty thin credibility ice. Besides, I thought they’d just hand you the NXT Title, whatever that means.

Christian: Yeah, I’m thinking I want to bail on that NXT thing before it gets started.

Edwards: I’ve got an idea, why don’t the two of you have a match while I go backstage and show Kelly my helmet?

Kelly: Do you think I’ll just date any old owner who shows up here, Carl?

Edwards: That’s what I was kind of hoping!

Sheamus vs. Chris Tian

Sadly this is not for the soon to be obsolete ECW Title, or the WWE Spinnin’ Title. I actually kind of want the ECW Title, though. I think that would be fitting. Christian, hook me up. He can just give it to whoever, right? Actually, the more I think about it, the less being ECW Champion actually appeals to me. I don’t think I could handle the constant phone calls from Tommy Dreamer asking if he could fly in and job to me. It was cute the first twenty or so times, but now it’d just be exhausting.

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You know who was ECW champion? Rhyno. Rhyno of all people! I can’t believe they even brought the belt back! And before you go talking about how Rhyno was TNA Champion (or was it NWA? Oh, I don’t care), that doesn’t even count. R-Truth was NWA Champion, so that invalidates the whole experience. Then again, I can’t believe I’m sitting here arguing about it when frigging Sheamus is in the ring right now. What the hell, right? But that bodes well for my chance at getting that ECW Title. Where was I? Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) on Tian, and Sheamus wins!

Backstage….

Triple H: You got really terrible all the sudden, when did the hell did you stop caring, Shawn?

Shawn Michaels: Uh…when I was feuding with JBL, probably? Then, we reformed DX and I didn’t even have to try any more. I’ll admit, it’s pretty cool.

HHH: Heh. Yeah. We’re both pretty lazy.

Shawn: Hunter, I have to ask you, are you secretly using your wife to keep me out of Wrestlemania and steal the spotlight for yourself?

HHH: No! No! NO! Noooo! Well…I mean…I…No! No. Nonononono. No.

Shawn: Methinks you doth protest just enough.

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Do you remember when John Cena and Thetista fought last week? No? Well…Me neither. Shut up.

Backstage, there’s a *CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Cody Rhodes: Wow, Ted. You got into the Elimination Chamber. You must be so proud of yourself!

Ted DiBiase Jr.: Um…Yes, I am. Because I’m way better than you.

Rhodes: I guess being the biggest jobber in the match is better than probably not appearing on the PPV.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the WON Girl’s Chocolatechip. And if it isn’t The Lemony, my forgered best fiends. What are you ticking about?

DiBiase: We were just talking about how hilarious it was that Cody cost you the title at the Rumble. You lost to Sheamus, man. Sheamus! How embarrassing for you!

Orton: Shameless! Couchy, I will never love that down! You and I must make a match!

Elsewhere, The Straight Edge Society is not doing drugs or drinking. No word yet on promiscuous sex.

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The Straight Edge Society (w/ Serena) vs. The Miz and The Big Show vs. Degeneration X
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Punk immediately starts railing on New Orleans for being the drinking capital of the world. He immediately gloms on to Jared from Subway as the kind of guy who he’d want in the Straight Edge Society. Yes. Jared and Festus. That’s my kind of stable. Actually, I have to admit that pretty much is my kind of stable. They can be like the new Men on a Mission, and Jared can sing the Five Dollar Footlong song as they make their way to the ring. I’m not sure how Serena fits into all of that, but frankly, I’m not sure I care all that much. Sadly, Jared refuses, as he likes toking up with Michael Phelps way too much.

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Teddy Long is at ringside for no reason in particular. Maybe he’s going to bring back Doom. Wouldn’t that be fantastic? Butch Reed can’t be doing anything that interesting. Sadly, WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson doesn’t flee in terror when Shawn Michaels tags in. My sister called to ask me what is going to happen to Tiffany when ECW closes up shop, and it took me, like, twenty minutes to figure out who Tiffany is. And I still can’t visualize her. Man, I’m going to be so screwed when they switch over to NXT.

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Is this match still going on? I honestly don’t think Festus has completed a single offensive move thus far in the match. Oh, wait. He punches Shawn. Yay! Then Hunter clotheslines him out of the ring, and Shawn hits a Superkick on Punk for the pin. I guess this is an Elimination Match. Somebody could’ve told me that earlier. Then again, I guess Justin Roberts probably did, but I’m getting really good at tuning him out. Anyway, Hunter wants to wrap things up with Miz, but Shawn doesn’t trust him, so he tags back in. Trips is tres offended that Shawn wouldn’t trust his best friend in the world to win a match against Miz (yeah, really!), and while Hunter is fuming about it, Miz rolls up Shawn for the win. New Champions! Let’s focus on Shawn Michaels’ stunned reaction that he just lost to Miz instead, though.

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Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Miz and Big Show.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Miz and Big Show, and guys, I have to ask you, how does it feel to win the WWE Tag Team Titles? Because I’ll never know.

Big Show: In your face, Chris Jericho! We just did exactly what you and I did!

The Miz: Actually, you didn’t even have to do that with Jericho, because you just took Edge’s spot.

Show: Well…in his face then! Anyway!

Miz: What do you think we should call ourselves now that we have a title reign? Miz Show? Showmiz? Big The?

Show: How about Double Trouble Crap on a Stick?

Miz: No!

Show: Come on! I’ve been waiting years to use that one!

Elsewhere….

Shawn Michaels: You two! You look like you know what’s going on around here! Where’s Stephanie McMahon?!

Alicia Fox: Do we really look like we know what’s going on around here?

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Come on, Shawn. You know me, man. What the hell do I know?

Michaels: Why can’t we have any helpful background characters?!

Tough Enough Jessie: I know where Stephanie is! WAAAAAAAAH!

Michaels: You there! Teddy Long! What are you even doing here?

Teddy Long: Holla Holla, playa! I got lost on my way to Smackdown!

Michaels: Well, I want on Smackdown. You need me for your Elimination Chamber anyway! John Morrison? Really? Come on! You have to admit I’m better than that.

Triple H: Would you listen to yourself, Shawn? Smackdown?! How much of an idiot are you? You, of all people, should know that that’s a huge mistake. Do you want to throw your career away?!

Shawn Superkicks Teddy Long. Heh.

Michaels: Yeah. Kind of.

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Gail Kim vs. Jillian Hall

Man, they’re just going to drag this Diva’s Title thing out as long as possible, aren’t they. By the time they actually have a match, Melina will be back. Maryse is doing commentary at ringside, and by commentary I mean talking about how much she loves Gail Kim and hates Michelle McCool. Which is getting a little creepy at this point. The match is less than a minute long, but Michael Cole still manages to call her Maurice, like, eight different times. Gail wins with her move (That’s Her Move!). Afterwards Maryse talks a lot of French and everybody kind of looks confused. Best segment of the show.

You know who’s going into the WWE Hall of Fame? Ted DiBiase! Wow, that’s a little presumptuous isn’t it? I mean, I’m sure The Marine 2 is ok for what it is, but…Hall of Fame? Really? Huh.

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Backstage….

John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Carl Edwards: Not really, John. You haven’t been champion for a while now.

Cena: I was talking about Jared! The Champion of Sandwiches.

Jared from Subway: Thanks, John. But I really don’t want anything to do with this show.

Santino Marella: Hey-a, you know-a how I’m-a going to celebrate-a my new television-a show? By stealing-a Jared’s Subway-a sandwich!

Santino grabs it and runs off.

Jared: It’s cool. I have a spare.

Edwards: That’s weird.

Kofi Johnston: Carl Edwards, as a representative of NASCAR, I hold you personally responsible for the destruction of my career.

Edwards: That’s probably fair. Although, it was you that forgot to keep pretending you were from Jamaica and not Ghana.

Kofi: So what are you going to do about it?

Edwards: Pretty much nothing. Sorry, man, it’s over for you. But I am thinking of taking a page out of William Shatner’s playbook and booking next week’s show for the guy I‘m selling this piece to.

Cena: Won’t he get mad?

Jerry Springer: Nah, I have some teenage midget strippers who are having sex with their brothers to wrangle. It’s cool.

Jared: Anybody want a piece of this sandwich I just found in my pants?

Cena: No. Not at all.

Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton

Heh. No cheers for Cody. Ted DiBiase he’s not. Then again, Ted’s a WWE Hall of Famer, so I shouldn’t be so hard on Cody. Except…He’s Cody Rhodes, so I’m probably not being hard enough on him. It is pretty cool of them to acknowledge a story point from a couple weeks ago, though. So unlike them. I wonder if this could mean the return of the dreaded Continuity?! Though, given Chris Tian and Teddy Long randomly appearing on this show, I’m guessing probably not. Sheamus comes out to remind people that he’s still WWE Champion, which infuriates Orton to the point where he misses getting hit with Cody’s move (That’s His Move!) for the win. Heh. Sheamus with the Bicycle Kick (the Finisher of Champions!) to Orton, but Cody scares him off. Aw, Cody! You were doing so good there!

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Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Carl Edwards.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Carl Edwards, and Carl, you didn’t do a damn thing tonight. How does that make you feel?

Carl Edwards: I was saving all my good matches for next week!

Mathews: When…you won’t own the show.

Edwards: Yeah. It’s perfect. If everything goes wrong, you can’t blame me!

Mathews: So what’s your brilliant plan?

Edwards: All the Elimination Chamber people will fight each other in singles matches.

Mathews: That’s it? That’s the big idea you’ve been saving?

Edwards: Josh, WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents ECW Presents WWE Elimination Chamber is just a pit stop on the Road to Wrestlemania. And other driving related puns.

Mathews: I hate you.

Ted DiBiase Jr. vs. John Cena

Man, finally a WWE Hall of Famer willing to step up and take on John Cena. Well, I mean, Ted hasn’t been inducted yet, but that’s pretty much just semantics at this point. Ted comes down to the ring full of energy, and Cena rolls out and decks him, and then locks him in the STF. Seriously? A No Contest? Man, I was really looking forward to seeing Cena get his comeuppance too! What a jerk this Cena is. Anyway, Cena spends the next ten minutes crying because he’s not fighting Batista. Well, yeah, John. Dave’s not even on this show! Though that didn’t stop Chris Tian. Or Teddy Long. Or CM Punk, Festus, or Serena. Or…Oh, shut up.

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Hey, guess what, they’ve managed to keep a guy who isn’t supposed to be off this show off this show!

John Cena: Dammit, I can’t believe I wasted a perfectly good match against Ted DiBiase calling out a guy who doesn’t even work on this show. I guess I totally should’ve expected that, but it is what it is.

Vince McMahon: Are you done here? I can’t believe how much TV time you’re wasting here, John. We have Subway to sell and…NASCARs?

Cena: Seriously, Vince, did you think that my match with Ted DiBiase was going to go twenty minutes? Come on. You knew full well this show was going to end with fifteen minutes of me ranting about Batista, rapping about Classic Italian BMTs and saying THE CHAMP IS HERE! Even though the champ is actually Sheamus, and he’s been home for, like, an hour now.

Vince: John, I’ll give you this, you sell an insane amount of horrible looking neon orange T-Shirts, and you’re the favorite wrestler of about a trillion two year olds. But I really, really, really don’t want to hear you talk for fifteen minutes. And if I would have been thinking about it, I would’ve had Batista come here tonight, specifically so that he would’ve started a brawl with you and I wouldn’t have had to deal with this nonsense.

Cena: What I don’t understand is how you could’ve taken a good guy like Batista and twisted him to your evil ways.

Vince: I can’t tell if that was serious. Because Dave’s been beating up Rey Misterio by his damn self for about a year now, and he’s been a huge ass for a long time before that. Are you just now noticing?

Cena: I haven’t watched Smackdown in ten years. I totally missed out on the whole Eric Escobar era. Anyway, do you to fight Bret Hart or not?

Vince: You know what? A sixty-something year old man versus a stroke victim that can barely move? That sounds like my kind of main event!

Bret Hart: Good! Because I’m launching a secret attack!

….

Vince: That usually works better when-

WORLD’S SLOWEST SURPRISE PUNCH!

Oh man, this is going to be the Best Wrestlemania Ever. EVER!

Vince: I’ve changed my mind! I can’t bother to sell for that any more. Later!

And, predictably, Bret has a freakout. Throwing monitors, kicking speakers, falling over (Orton wins!), spitting on Justin Roberts, the usual. Finally, as the show goes off the air, Bret stands defiant in the ring, spelling out the name of his next destination in the air.

NXT!

Next Week: Jerry Springer offers some final thoughts about the status of The Lemony. Also, that Diva’s Title match we were promised, like, two months ago (maybe!). And, if he’s not too busy, Sheamus.