Last Week: Not even Stone Cold Steve Austin could make Bret Hart relevant to today’s wrestling scene. Shawn Michaels couldn’t find a single person who hates him enough to end his career. And, in an attempt to become even less over as a face than he already is, Randy Orton did not manage to stop the Sheamus/Triple H match. Maybe he’ll have better luck…TONIGHT!

Here comes Shawn Michaels. Oh, Shawn, your career isn’t going to end tonight either. Don’t get your hopes up, buddy.

A video retrospective of Shawn’s career is show. I’m not sure they needed to show almost an hour of clips of him in bicycle shorts and as Commissioner Michaels, which is just a lingering shot of an empty office, but I appreciate the effort. It ends with a shot of Shawn and Marty Jannetty losing to the Nasty Boys while “Shawn Michaels’ Career 1901 - 2010” is shown in…I think that’s Comic Sans. I’m not really good with fonts, y’all.

Shawn: Whyspyr is so good at iMovie, you guys!

Pete Rose: Hi. I’m WWE Hall of Famer Pete Rose, and I accidentally clicked “Buy It Now” when I saw this show on eBay. Shawn, tonight you are going to face my nemesis…Shane!

Shawn: Do you mean Kane?

Rose: Maybe. And the match stipulations will be the same as at Wrestlemania!

Shawn: YES! If I can manage to lose tonight, my career is OVER!

Kane: And, if I lose my…um…RAW losing streak is…continued. I guess. Sigh.

Rose: SHANE! My money is on Michaels!

Kane: Oh, haven’t you learned anything, Pete?

Rose: Never!

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The Miz (w/ Big Show) vs. John Morrison (w/ R-Truth)

I accidentally bought WCW Saturday Night on eBay one time. Boy was that embarrassing. I do think that might have been the only time Barry Darsow got a pay check while he worked there though. Hey, remember when this match was the next big thing and these guys were going to headline Wrestlemania some day? Well…about that. This feud has R-Truth in it, and I think that’s about all you need to know. Wherefore art thou Joey Mercury? Or…um…Matt Cappotelli. Why do I remember that? Big Show joins the commentary and spends the next twenty minutes just making fun of Michael Cole. Match of the night.

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Oh, it’s still going on? Why? We’ve already established that it can’t get any better than this. Trying any harder is pretty pointless. That WWE remembers that these two were not only the hosts of a semi-popular online show but long reigning tag team champions seems a bit unlikely. Say what you will about Morrison, but the guy still has pretty fantastic abs. I’m just saying. Wait, what was I just saying? Anyway, Morrison explains the concept of the band Cobra Starship to Miz, who is so shocked and confused that he gets rolled up easily for the win. Wait ‘til he hears about Ke$ha! Show can’t wait until the bell rings to knock Truth the hell out, but then he gets kicked in the face by Morrison. Big Show sad!

Backstage….

Triple H: Oh, that Chuck is such a rascal! What semi-comedic international incident will he find himself in next?

Randy Orton: Hunger, I need to talker to you.

HHH: For the last time, Randy, no. I will not start Evolution again. And you can’t borrow my salad bowl. I know you’re just going to wear it around like a douche.

Orton: Actively, Triopoly H, I wanted to talk about our handkerchief march tonight against The Lemony and Shameless!

HHH: Damn you, Pete Rose! You know what? Screw it. Let me go get my salad bowl, then you just leave me in peace.

Orton: Yay!

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Here’s some San Fransisco 49ers. Not pictured: Any actual NFL players.

Kofi Johnston vs. Vladamir Kozlov
Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

Hahahaha! I love Vladamir Kozlov. Kofi is Shelton to start, while Vlad is Soda Popinski. I still like Kozlov’s old album theme better. The one that sounds like Tetris. You know what I’m talking about. Jack Swagger is out on commentary for some reason. Hopefully just to spit on Michael Cole. So I guess half the roster is in this Money in the Bank match. I think there might even be some TNA guys. Alex Shelley is going to Wrestlemania~! He wishes. Vlad has done nothing but bear hugs and head butts for the last five minutes. That has been the entire match. This pretty much rules. Kofi with a kick to the head out of nowhere for the win. Aw!

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*CODY RHODES INTERVIEW ALERT*

Cody Rhodes: Finally, the end of the Lemony! We’re fighting each other at Wrestlemania. I’m going to beat Randy and Ted and take home the big prize!

Ted DiBiase: There’s…um…no prize, Cody. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but the break-up of Lemony is as follows, I’m a heel, Randy’s a face, and nobody cares about you. We’re wrestling at Wrestlemania for…The rights to star in The Marine 3, I think. I’m really, really not sure.

Cody: What do you mean nobody cares about me?! I’m Cody Rhodes! The youngest Rhodes in WWE history! No Rhodes is younger than me, Ted! Unless they hire Dakota for some reason.

DiBiase: You know what? I don’t think anybody’s happier about the end of the Lemony as me.

Cody: At least I got to turn heel.

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The Lemony and Sheamus vs. Triple H and Randy Orton

That Pete Rose sure is a jerk, booking a handicap match like this. Poor Cody and Ted will never recover. Sheamus will probably just go back to being Sheamus though. The story of the match is Cody and Ted tagging each other in and out even though they hate each other for some reason now. Cody must really want to be in The Marine 3. Orton gets the hot tag and the crowd goes wild. Oh, man, these guys are going to be so disappointed once Randy’s actually a face. You have no idea. Actually, you probably have a pretty good idea because you were probably around the last time this happened a couple years ago. Sheamus out of nowhere with the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win. Leave it to Sheamus to defy the odds. Hunter clears the ring, of course, because…he’s Triple H.

Backstage, Bret Hart is eating a raw fish.

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According to Michael Cole, WWE.com is going to be stalking Bret and reporting on everything he does. I remember they did that with London and Kendrick one time, and all I learned was that Brian Kendrick was a lazy stoner and Paul London wanted to quit so bad he couldn’t even hide it from a WWE.com fluff piece, so this will be interesting.

Bret Hart: You know, I’ve spent a lot of time traveling the world. As a wrestler, a topless genie, an insane hobgoblin, and I’ve done a lot of stupid things. But nothing quite so stupid as reconciling with Vince McMahon, agreeing to do Wrestlemania, and wrestling one last match even though I had a stroke and can barely move. But it’s sort of fitting that my night of triumph over Vince will come on the same night that nasty hobbit Shawn Michaels is retired once and for all.

Backstage….

Shawn Michaels: At least somebody believes in me!

Meanwhile….

Bret: Get ready folks, because the Hart family is coming to Phoenix, and instead of years of “Bret Screwed Bret” you’ll be saying “Bret Beat Vince!”

Crowd: Bret Beat Bret! Bret Beat Bret!

What is this The Impact Zone?

Bret: I’ve had a lot of classic Wrestlemania matches. Against Austin, against my brother Owen, that one time that Yokozuna threw salt in my eyes and I let Hulk Hogan have the WWF Title even though he was going to quit anyway, and the time I let Shawn have the title in an Ironman Match or he would cry, or the time that…You know what? Wrestlemania has been pretty terrible for me overall. But all I want is one more opportunity. One more chance to hold it. To wear it. My belt. My precious!

Vince McMahon: I just wanted to come out and say how funny I think it is that I’ve finally, after fifteen years, found an opponent who is somehow less mobile than I am. This is going to be the worst Wrestlemania match of all time!

Backstage….

Shawn Michaels: Did you hear him? He believes that I’m going to be retired! Isn’t it great? I knew Bret would come around to me eventually.

Pete Rose: I have no idea what you’re talking about, but $50 says Vince accidentally knocks Bret out at Wrestlemania, leading to him running off into the desert never to be seen again.

Shawn: That’s far too plausible a scenario for me to bet against.

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Shawn Michaels vs. Kane
If Shawn Michaels Loses He’s Retired or Something

Shawn looks super excited. Maybe all he’s needed was a little more Kane. Kane, however, makes the fatal error of mocking Shawn’s mirror chaps to start. Right hands to Kane. Shawn just can’t help himself. Nobody mocks his dress attire and gets away with it! Shawn realizes what he’s been doing about two minutes later, and tries to lay down and take the pin, but suddenly Kane transforms into The Undertaker. I didn’t even know he could do that! That’s kind of spiffy, actually. Next turn into T.L. Hopper! Taker, of course, has no interest whatsoever in pinning Shawn tonight and ruining his Wrestlemania pay day. Shawn begs Taker to stay and roll him up, but Taker turns back into Kane and holds Shawn on top of himself for the win. Shawn is beside himself with grief.

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In the Hall of Fame? That Announcer from Major League. Join us next year when they induct the announcer from Rollerball. Wait….

Backstage….

Chris Tian: …could you imagine?! I’d be feuding with Brutus Beefcake right now! Even being on NXT is better than that.

Pete Rose: I have no idea what any of those words you just said mean. Want to bet on Dancing with the Stars?

Tian: Nope. I just want to see Erin Andrews in a miniskirt.

Rose: Whatever. I’m going to go see what’s in this closet. It’s about time I find where they hide the booze in this here place.

Tian: Good luck with that, dude. I’m going to go pat myself on the back for getting out of TNA in time.

Pete Rose opens the closet and Kane is hiding in there, of course.

Kane: I’ve been waiting for you in here all night! Thanks for finally opening that door!

Rose: Kane! My nermalsis!

Then Kane sets Pete Rose on fire. Best feud ever. EVER!

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Eve Torres, Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix (w/ Kelly Kelly Kelly and Mickie James) vs. Layla El, Michelle McCool, and Maryse (w/ Vickie Guerrero and Alicia Fox)

Sure, why not? Beth Phoenix is the worst face. Yeah, yeah, I know. OBJECTION! But you’re overruled Beth Phoenix fans. Terrible. And I love that Vickie is involved in this for no reason whatsoever. I know he’s currently engulfed in flame, but if I were Pete Rose, I’d be backstage bitching about how I didn’t get my mandatory creepy/hot scene with the Bella Twins and date with Kelly Kelly Kelly. What the hell is happening in this match? Oh. It’s been over for, like, ten minutes. I guess Michelle McCool pinned Gail Kim, which should tell you pretty much everything you need to know.

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Main event interview time! Here’s “Dave” Batista “Davidson”.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Say hello to the bad GUY!

In Orlando….

Scott Hall: Hey, yo! Kev! Mang, he stole my line! Doesn’t he know I’m on TV again?

Kevin Nash: Who…Wait…Scott? Aren’t you supposed to be wrestling right now?

Hall: Was that tonight?! Oh, man, I’m sorry.

Nash: Man…I stood up for you. Again! I’ve got to stop doing that.

Hall: Pac can handle it alone. I’ve got an entire pig to eat anyway. I got it at that shop down there.

Nash: Down where?

Hall: Down THERE!

Hall and Nash: Hahahahahahahaha!

Hall: Seriously though, where does this guy get off?

Aren’t they supposed to be watching their own show?

Batista: I have a big BELT! I do not like John CENA! I can see HIM! And it does not make me HAPPY! Why does everyone hate ME? I am going to WRESTLEMANIA! That is pretty GOOD!

John Cena: Yo, Dave. You don’t even get a rap tonight. You know why? Because serious John Cena is serious. But if you think people hate you? They hate me more! Oh sure, women and kids can’t get enough of me, but have you read the Internet lately?

Batista: I am not allowed on the INTERNET!

Cena: Everybody on there hates me. And it makes me really sad. Even more sad than you. This Wrestlemania match is about redemption. If I can beat Batista, then I can win over the fans that say I’m not a hardcore wrestler any more! I can too wrestle! THE CHAMP IS….

Batista: ME! The champ is ME! One more win for the good GUY!

And then they start brawling. THEY’RE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! Seriously, you guys, this is the main event at Wrestlemania. It’s going to be hilarious. Dean Malenko hits the ring and stares them down. Dean does not mess around.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: OMG It’s WRESTLEMANIA! Who will walk out the WWE Champion? Which of the 40 competitors will win Money In the Bank? Will Bret Hart manage to come out without bawling and throwing himself into the sea? Will Shawn Michaels get his wish and never wrestle again?! All that and Andy Rooney!