Last Night: John Cena became an overnight sensation by making out with the whole Internet. Bret Hart finally got revenge against Vince McMahon by…standing around while other people had a match. And Shawn Michaels finally got what he always wanted. Future Endeavored. Who will get fired…TONIGHT?

Here’s “Dave” Batista “Davidson” who doesn’t look too happy about losing to Cena last night. But mostly he just looks like he wants to take a nap. I hear that, Thetista.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I cannot believe I LOST! I am not HAPPY! But mostly I am just TIRED! I need a NAP! Someone bring my BLANKIE!
 

Somebody is out, but they didn’t bring a blankie, they brought some APPLE DOUGH~!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YOOO! YOOOOOO!

I came out last night,
Facing down the animal!
Ready to do anything,
Even becoming a cannibal.

Millions were watching,
Even in Romania,
To see what John Cena would do,
In his match at Wrestlemania!

And I broke out my CHINLOCK~!
And the Five Knuckle Shuffle!
What do I got?
Respect. Loyalty. Hustle!

And at the end of the night,
Cena haters drown in their tears,
Because I beat Batista.
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Batista: I forgot the next LINE!

It doesn’t matter, though, because Jack Swagger is out with a briefcase and WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiiike Chioda. Is Chioda his manager now? Isn’t that kind of a conflict of interest? Oh, I see, Swagger’s going to cash in his briefcase. How in the hell did he win that anyway? My money was on Alex Shelley! Hey! Maybe Dave’s blankie is in the briefcase!

Jack Swagger vs. John Cena
For the WWE Heavyweight Title

Cena completely no-sells Swagger wailing on him with the briefcase, as he is wont to do, so Swagger bails on the match. Can he…do that? I guess so.

And now, to honor Shawn Michaels’ career, here’s a look at one of the fifteen thousand times he had to bail Marty Jannetty out of jail.

(ads)

You want old people? WWE has old people! Holy crap, Nick Bockwinkel is still alive?! Also in the ring? Ted DiBiase (who is still in his 20s, Hall of Famer or not. Come on, guys!), IRS, Pat Patterson, Arn Anderson, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Ricky Steamboat, Sergeant Slaughter, Jerry “” Lawler, and, for whatever reason, Tony Garea. I don’t think there’s a single person in existence who thought, “You know what this segment would need? Tony Garea.” Not that too many people were thinking that WWE needed a bunch of old men standing in a ring. But seriously, was Lanny Poffo busy or something?

Anyway, here’s the…um…”stars” of Hot Tub Time Machine.

Clark Duke: Yeah! It’s me! Clark Duke! And you probably know me better as one of the stars of Hot Tub Time Machine!

Nick Bockwinkel: I wouldn’t count on that, buddy.

Duke: That’s not nice! It’s hard only being known for one crappy movie that nobody will ever see! Right, Rob?

Rob Van Dam: Duuuude, I know just how you feel! It’s tough only being known for Wrong Side of Town!

Rob Corddry: Speak for yourselves, I was on The Daily Show!

Tony Garea: I see that’s worked out well for you.

Corddry: Oh, shut up Tony Garea. Was Special Delivery Jones busy or something?

Duke: You want to book the rest of the show?

Corddry: What’s the point?

Ricky Steamboat: Where’s John Cusack?

Duke: As if he’d lower himself to buy RAW.

Irwyn R. Shyster: He agreed to appear in Hot Tub Time Machine….

Corddry: …Touché.

(ads)

Chris Tian vs. Ted DiBiase
In a “Legends Lumberjack Match”

Tian dumps DiBiase to start, and the Legends clumsily shuffle over and stand around while he rolls himself back in. Yes, I can see why they wanted to have this match. All these Hall of Famers out here and not a single one of them got super powers from their ring? I’m somewhat dubious. Well, to be fair, just walking is like a super power for these guys at this point, so I’m considerably less dubious than I was a few seconds ago. Still, Abyss can eat cars or whatever. The Legends finally get tired of this, and start whacking each other with the souvenir replicas of Mad Dog Vachon’s leg they got last night. Christian wins with a roll-up. After the match, Ted DiBiase is faced with the realization that his dad is probably the Hall of Famer, not him, and he runs off in tears.

Shawn Michaels Moment: The time he had sex with Tammy Sytch and then passed her off on Bret Hart, much to the dismay of Skip. Or possibly Zip. Or more likely, both.

Triple H is walking. Without a Hall of Fame ring. Show off.

(ads)

Backstage….

Rob Corddry: Our careers really are jokes, aren’t they?

Clark Duke: Don’t worry too much about it, man. We’ll just get into this hot tub, and everything will be just fine.

Bella Twins: That’s right, Rob. Just get into the hot tub!

Duke: That’s really creepy. But hot. And hey! Eve Torres!

Corddry: And Tiffany…aren’t you supposed to be a well respected businesswoman?

Tiffany: Teehee.

Santino Marella comes in with the boom box over his head like John Cusack from Say Anything, but sadly he does not heave it into the hot tub.

Jim Powers: Welcome to the 80s, gentlemen! And I’m still unemployed!

Duke: AAAAH! NOO! TAKE US BACK!

Powers: Hey, I was Marty Jannetty before being Marty Jannetty was cool!

Corddry: Being Marty Jannetty is never cool.

Powers: Aw!

Meanwhile….

Triple H: Man, I can’t believe it actually happened. I mean, I figured Shawn would lose, but retire? Ha! Right? But I guess he’s actually retiring. Well…until we need him again. Or everybody forgets that he lost a retirement match. Which is, what? Two months from now? And I have to admit, even when we were best friends, I’ve never really liked the guy. Remember when I tried to break his back after he came out of retirement? But now, I’ve got something I want to tell him that I’ve never said to him before!

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, we’ll never know what it is, because Sheamus runs out and nails him in the back of the head with a pipe. The Sneak Attack of Champions! I can’t believe they’re continuing this feud!

(ads)

Mickie James, Eve Torres, Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly Kelly, and Beth Phoenix vs. Alicia Fox, Layla El, Vickie Guerrero, Michelle McCool, and Maryse

Because this match worked so well last night? Remember when Vickie Guerrero pretended to be a wrestler? Oh well. She’s still more over than Chavo. And she’s gotten more ring time lately too. Maryse gets into the ring, and Eve rolls her up for the win. Hahaha. That was pretty much the perfect ending to this. Nobody even did anything, and the two worst workers have won this match the past two nights. After the match, the ladies argue about whether or not they’re going to keep doing this until they kill women’s wrestling forever. We can only hope!

Shawn Michaels Moment: The time he threw a fit because he had to wrestle Vader.

Hey! Bret Hart is walking too! He’s got a ring though, so he’s ok.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels Moment: The time when he did a dance in the ring for a half hour, and nobody stayed to watch him.

Now Bret’s in the ring.

Bret Hart: I’d like to have one more match, just so I can have wrestled longer than Shawn. But seriously, that jerk had a couple good matches. He’ll always be a big baby who can’t take the heat and never drew as well as me. But whatever. I finally got a chance to beat the crap out of Vince again, and all the Hart Family got to take their shots at him for all the garbage he’s subjected us to in the past. And even though I said I really never wanted to talk about Owen or any of my family’s other tragedies ever again, check out my t-shirt of me and Owen!

The Miz: Are we really wasting more time on this? You got your ten year old revenge, dude. Why don’t you go to TNA and beat up Eric Bischoff for actually ruining your career instead? Hey, I’m undefeated at Wrestlemania now! Which means that next year I’m going to lose to Undertaker! Much like a guy that’s way better than you, Shawn Michaels!

The Big Show: OMG! Hi Bret! Did you get all those fan letters I sent?!

Hey, it’s The New Hart Foundation! Remember when everybody on the Internet complained this didn‘t happen last month? Well, now you can shut up about it.

Miz: Seriously? You expect me to be backed down by Tyson Kidd? Or Big Show?! Show?

Show: Would you autograph my singlet?!

Hart: I’m not such a big fan of none of the people in the New Hart Foundation being named Hart, to be honest. But whatever.

Show carries Miz up the ramp, before he gets them in a feud that they’re sure to lose. Better to wait until Bret’s bailed on the Hart Foundation again, but Miz comes running back down.

(ads)

The Hart Foundation vs. ShowMiz
For the WWE Unified Tag Team Titles

Miz starts off and immediately gets suplexed by the Canadian Bulldog. Best suplex ever. EVER! Seriously, it’s nice to see that Bulldog has found something to do with his time since retiring as Online Onslaught’s second best columnist. Or possibly third if you count that video lady who told us all about the NCAA Football games. Big Show’s eyes are basically rolling out of his head here. Jericho never would’ve been stupid enough to get involved in this feud. At least partially because Jericho’s much higher on the card. Show beats the crap out of Tyson Kidd for a few seconds, then just decides to bail on the whole thing and drag Miz backstage. Harts win!

Shawn Michaels Moment: The time he pretended a sausage was his penis.

(ads)

In the hot tub….

Mantaur: If they would’ve given me two more months, I would’ve been WWE Champion. Guaranteed.

Clark Duke: I don’t know who you are, but somehow I doubt that.

Hey! Look! On the screen is Craig Robinson!

Craig Robinson: Hey, guys! It’s me. Live via satellite!

Rob Corddry: Craig! Man, why didn’t you put in any money for this? You have more money than any of us?

Craig: You know owning a wrestling show would be about a million violations of my parole! So what are you doing there? Bating with a Mantaur and some Divas? Get on out of there ladies!

Bella Twins: Bye guys!

Craig: That was…creepy and hot. Anyway, our movie is failing and you guys aren’t really helping us pimp it here tonight.

Duke: You’re not exactly helping either. After all, you’re just known for being in Hot Tub Time Machine! How embarrassing is that?!

Craig: Are you kidding me? You know I’m Daryl from The Office? Right? I’m the biggest star that’s been on this show in years.

Duke: Am I the only one nobody’s ever heard of?! AAAAARGH!

Tough Enough Jessie: I know just how you feel. WAAAAAAH!

Craig: Ok, I’ve had enough of being on RAW. Mark, take it away!

Mark Henry: Thanks a lot, Daryl!

Mark Henry cannonballs into the Hot Tub in a speedo. Corddry and Duke don’t look too happy about this. Hornswoggle pops out of the water.

Hornswoggle: Ok, that was fun when it was a hundred girls in here, but I’m out.

In the ring….

Jack Swagger: Yeah. I won Money in the Bank. I’m…not sure why either. But now I got this briefcase, and I’m going to…put things in it. I have this really kick-ass Lego collection. You guys! You’re going to be so jealous! I can’t wait!

At least somebody’s really excited about him winning.

(ads)

Jack Swagger and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” vs. John Cena and Randy Orton

Yes, Randy Orton. Out of everything I love about pro-wrestling, this is the thing I love the most. “You tried to kill my dad a couple years ago? No, that’s cool. Want to be my best friend?” To his credit, I guess, Dave looks super stoked about seeing Swagger’s Lego collection. I kind of want to see them in a permanent tag team. Not that Thetista would allow that to happen, but I think Jack and Dave could teach each other a lot about life. Orton, by the way, is still in the “Hilariously Popular” portion of his face push.

(ads)

Hey, this match is still going on! Could Swagger cash in his Money in the Bank in the middle of this match? I need to see a list of Rules for this thing. What do you mean, “There is no written list of Rules?” I can’t be the only one who is thinking about this stuff. Actually, that’s pretty much a total lie. I pretty much know I’m the only one who thinks of anything when he’s watching pro-wrestling. Or she, I guess. If any women actually watch this show. Where was I going with this? Anyway, Dave and Swagger dive for the leggos, and knock heads, causing them to fall over. Orton wins!

Shawn Michaels Moment: Snotty Canadian Flag. Love ya, Bret!

(ads)

For the last time (for now) here is Shawn Michaels. It’s the last time you’re ever going to be on the show (for now) and you don’t come out in mirror chaps? Come on, bro. Shawn frowns for a while, then the Disemvoiced Body of The Undertaker comes out, but I guess he just forgot his hat down at ringside, because he goes and grabs it then takes off again.

Shawn Michaels: Oh…my…God! FINALLY! You guys, I cannot believe I finally got retired. You don’t know how much I’ve wanted this. And I almost had it too! Until that damn JBL and Triple H offered me a ton of money, and I had to come back. You guys have no idea how many mirror chaps that money bought me. But the time for mirror chaps and prancing is over. I’ve seen TNA, and I don’t want to turn into some old fool wandering around the ring. That’s right. I said it. I don’t want to end up like Rob Van Dam.

Rob Van Dam: Yeah! All right!!

Michaels: I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to miss this place at all. I mean, I guess I’ll miss hanging out with Hunter. Though I’m not sure why. I finally cleaned my life up, and suddenly I’m pointing at my crotch and seeing breasts that aren’t my wife’s and making fun of midgets. What about me turning my life around made Hunter think that was a good idea?! But geez. Thank God for Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler for not making me look like a complete idiot for coming back.

Michael Cole: What about me?

Michaels: Screw you.

Cole: Vintage Shawn Michaels!

Michaels: See?! AGH! I can’t wait to be rid of this stupid show. Anyway, special thanks to Adam, who is some guy you’ll never hear about again, Squiggy, The Fonz, Shannon Moore, Bijou Billy, Kevin Kelly, both of them, Guybrush, um…Snooki? I don’t know. Anyway, I know what you’re all thinking. That there’s no way I’m going to stay retired. After all, the last guy who got retired on this show just ended up being banished to TNA instead. And hell, it’s not like I haven’t been retired before myself. A couple times. But I swear this one is going to stick. Probably.

Crowd: Groan.

Michaels: I know. I know. But I appreciate you saying “Groan” instead of actually groaning. Anyway, I wanted to thank a couple other people before we wrap this career up. I’d like to thank Bret Hart for keeping me relevant far past the point that where I would’ve been if I just stayed dancing around after shows. You kept me over in Canada for a long time, man. And to Vince McMahon, for sticking with me when I was a drug addled kid, a drug addled adult, and for having the balls to fire me when even he was like, “Geez, that’s a lot of drugs.” Oh! I should probably thank Jesus too! He and I have had a pretty rocky relationship, but it’s all good. He may have stabbed John Cena, but overall he’s a pretty swell guy and I’d like to thank him for all the neat stuff he’s done for me over the years. Remember when he beat Vince for me? Awesome.

Jesus: Hey, happy to help!

Michaels: Guys, it’s been real. It’s been fun. But it hasn’t been real fun. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go find Whyspyr and hunt down Lance Storm. I hear that guy’s got my Jade Gopher. Seacrest out!

Hunter, of course, cannot bear to see Shawn get all the spotlight, here he is. He’s not even selling that pipe attack from earlier. That’s actually pretty funny.

Michaels: What were you going to tell me that you’ve never told me before?

Triple H: Come closer, and I’ll whisper it to you.

Michaels: Um…ok?

HHH: I was Ultimo Dragon.

Michaels: That was your big secret?

HHH: No, but I forgot the real one.

And the two friends hold hands and walk off forever into the sunset they put up on the Titantron, never to be seen again.

Or at least until next week.

Next Week: Without Shawn around to save him, everybody beats the hell out of Triple H. Also, David Otunga buys RAW. Whoever the hell that is. And John Cena, Dave Davidson, and Jack Swagger put aside their feud for a moment and make the most awesome Lego Pirate Ship of all time.