Last Week: There were about ten billion Daves, which was ten billion too many. Also, they were in England so you know what that means! The return of British Superstar The Superfluuous Uu! And The Hoff was the greatest owner of all time. Perhaps until…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hahaha! Nothing will stop Monday Night RAW!

In Iceland….

Kelly Kelly Kelly: Hey, guys! Look at that volcano!

Volcano: Hahahaha! Screw you!

John Cena: Holy crap! A talking volcano!

Randy Orton: That’s impenetrable! There’s no such spring as a walking vulcanope!

And then the plane disappears.

(Smackdown Credits)

Whaaaaaat? No. No, I refuse! I am not recapping…whatever the hell this is. Of course, Michael Cole is there, because even the Volcano Gods (Vulcan, Lugh, Pele, and Tough Enough Jessie) hate me. Appearing in a cloud of smoke is Lillian Garcia, back from the dead it seems. Unfortunately. Ok, fine. I missed you, Lillian lay an introduction on us!

Lillian Garcia: And now, here’s This Guy!

Thanks.

Triple H: I guess I’m the only guy left. Yeah, I don’t know if you heard, but the plane carrying the entire RAW roster was swallowed by a talking volcano earlier today. It was all over Twitter. It was even a Trending Topic for, like, ten minutes.

Lillian: I thought you didn’t know what Twitter was.

HHH: You died. Shut up. Anyway, I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m not responsible for the volcano. That’s just silly talk. But how did I manage not to get caught up in the attack? Simple. I don’t do European tours anymore. I mean seriously, you guys? Flying twelve billion hours just to drive on the wrong side of the road and eat greasy, horrible food? Please. Hell, you’re lucky you can get me into Canada these days.

Lillian: Couldn’t you just teleport with the Stacker 2 Bees?

HHH: Lillian, shut up. First of all, there’s no sense pointing out ten year old continuity on this show, secondly, that’s really a short range thing, and thirdly, the last time I tried that I blew out my quad. Again. So, no. I don’t think I’m going to be teleporting over to Europe via bee any time soon. But, yeah. So…we don’t have anybody else any more. It’s just you and me for two hours. I swear I didn’t have anything to do with planning this! But pretty sweet, huh? Let’s book this show. What, are you going to watch Hogan? Ha! So, we’re going to spend quarter hour one organizing my CDs, and then I’m going to go ahead and make myself a sandwich. That’ll be pretty awesome. I bought a big pack of turkey, and I can’t wait to dig in. Then, I plan to nap through the rest of hour one, so you can probably turn on baseball or whatever. After I wake-

CM Punk: Hey, what’s going on? Are we having a TV show?

HHH: You! What are you doing here?! You’re supposed to be on Smackdown! Do you know what night it is?!

Punk: Yeah. Well, we didn’t get swallowed up by a volcano, so we figured we’d just show up here tonight. Though, to be honest, I’d kind of rather be trapped in a volcano than be in New Jersey, you know what I mean?

Luke Gallows: I hear that, boss.

Punk: Shut up, Festus.

HHH: I can’t believe Festus still has a job! And is that Molly Holly? Nice!

Serena: Um…Sure.

HHH: Well…I didn’t really want to share the show tonight with anybody, but we’ve already got Lillian out here, so that screws that plan. All right, let’s all dive in. Punk you sort through my Sarah McLaughlin stuff. Festus, Molly, if you could get started on the As through Ds?

Punk: Actually, we were going to come out here and not do drugs or drink alcohol.

HHH: That’s ridiculous.

Serena: Why don’t you join us, Hunter? You could stand to be away from drugs and alcohol for a while.

HHH: You can take my show, but you will never take…MY LIQUOR!

Gallows: Ok. Geez!

Hunter is really upset by this, however, and starts brawling with the Straight Edge Society. Somehow he falls behind Festus, but Rey Misterio hits the ring for the save. Hunter is totally disappointed that there’s another guy here. How is he going to get his nap in? Hunter and Rey start giving Punk a haircut, because this night is about wasting as much time as humanly possible, but Luke and Serena pull him out of there. Given Hunter’s terrible hair, that’s probably a good idea.

(ads)

Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Somewhere, Hunter is really pissed that these guys are taking up valuable sandwich making time. I know literally nothing about Drew McIntyre, except that he’s tall and he’s got a lovely jaw. Somewhere, Abe Orton is salivating. Matt Hardy looks like he could’ve used the day off. Actually, of all the WWE Superstars I would’ve predicted to be destroyed by a volcano (and I have had this internal monologue before tonight) Matt Hardy was number three on my list. So. Matt falls asleep and, Drew rolls him up for the pin. Is That His Move?

Meanwhile….

John Cena: I survived! I don’t know how or why, but I’m alive and in this volcano! I’ve got to get out of here and back to RAW! I don’t know how that show is going to survive without me! Hey, a hatch! 8 6 7 5 30 9? What is that? The Powerball?

Cena opens up the hatch.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Stay out of my HOUSE!

Elix Skipper: This is my house! I built this house!

OSPREY BOMB TO ELIX SKIPPER~!

(ads)

Hey, it’s Vladamir Kozlov. I have nothing further to say about him.

Vladamir Kozlov: I swam back to the U.S.

Jerry “” Lawler: Aren’t you upset about being in New Jersey with all these filthy Americans?

Kozlov: Yes.

Lawler: Aren’t you excited about the Russians buying the Nets so they can movet hem out of Jersey?

Kozlov: Yep.

Lawler: Aren’t you upset at the lack of matches you’re having here in America?

Kozlov: You know, it sounds like you’re more upset about this than I am.

Here’s the Cast of McGruber. Well, not Ryan Phillipe who probably has better things to be doing. Or not. At least they had the good sense to bring Kristen Wiig along. Other celebrity owners take note!

Kristen Wiig: I just wanted to officially state how embarrassed I am to be out here tonight. That’s coming from me, ok? And I was in Whip It.

McGruber: Vicki! We’ve got to get out of here! RAW is going to blow up!

Wiig: Will, I did not buy some wrestling show for you to run around playing these stupid characters.

McGruber: Shut up, Vicki. Vladamir Kozlov, I’m tired of you coming out and running down the great state of New Jersey. A lot of good things come from New Jersey! Like Jenny Owen Youngs! And Bon Jovi! And basically everything that you think is good about New York!

Vlad: Counterpoint: Snooki.

McGruber: Damn.

Wiig: He’s got you there, McGruber.

McGruber: Oh yeah? Well…Counterpoint: you’re going to have to wrestle R-Truth!

Vlad: Oh. Oh no.

R-Truth: What’s up? What’s up?! They didn’t bother to even send me to Europe, so now I’m here in the United States saying, “What’s Up?!”

R-Truth explodes.

Wiig: McG-What the hell?!

McGruber: I’ve wanted to do that for yeeeeeeeears.

(ads)

Backstage….

Triple H: Man, I guess those Smackdown guys must’ve heard that nobody was going to be on this show that people actually watch, and they all decided to come over here. Oh well. They can have it. At least I’ll still be able to get my nap in.

McGruber: Hi, Hunter.

HHH: Dude, nobody believes you’re actually some stupid character from Saturday Night Live. This is an insult to all of our fans.

McGruber: Ok, Mr. Levesque.

HHH: Oh, shut it. And you were a horrible George Bush.

Kane: Hey, guys. I heard the show needed a little more me tonight, so I booked a flight from Europe to come over here.

HHH: You didn’t crash into a volcano?

Kane: Yep. I did.

HHH: You did.

Kane: Yep. That was pretty fun, actually.

McGruber: Guys! I just peed my pants!

HHH: I already told you, that George Bush is terrible!

Meanwhile, in the volcano….

Randy Orton: Laddies and Generalmen, I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the ROH Girl’s Chocolatechip, have contradicted a plan to help us escapade from this volnado we find ourselves in!

Ted DiBiase: Randy, what possible plan could you have to escape from this volcano? Do I even want to know? No. No I do not.

Cody Rhodes: I do. I want to see what hilarious way he eventually gets himself killed.

Orton: I have preparered us a rapt!

DiBiase: A raft. To get us out of a volcano.

Rhodes: Shhh! Let the magic happen.

Orton: And now we lunch!

Orton pushes the raft into the lava, and it immediately starts on fire. Orton is shocked.

Orton: I am stocked! I thought for shore that a rapt would flotilla on larva.

DiBiase: Damn.

Rhodes: One of these days, man. I’m telling you.

Meanwhile, at RAW, Jack Swagger is looking for that turkey sandwich.

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. The Undertaker

Swagger puts out an open challenge, and I guess Taker was bored enough to show up here tonight. This is the first time he’s even bothered since Wrestlemania. I guess I should feel blessed that he came out here tonight. Thanks, volcano! This is kind of a weird way for him to make his comeback though. Random Jack Swagger challenge match? Hell, why not? Of course, I fully expect that he’ll be bailing after this match for another six months. So enjoy it while you can!

(ads)

Hey, Swagger’s actually getting some offense in here. That’s pretty generous of Taker. He’s getting soft in his old age. Then Undertaker drops Jack over the top and starts hitting all his moves. Ah, there’s the Takerster that I know and love. Swagger actually does set up a powerbomb later, but Taker reverses that into a Tombstone for the win. Undertaker wins! It’s always nice to see the World Champion doing so well. How many matches has Jack won this year anyway?

(ads)

Backstage…

Luke Gallows: So, what do you think? If I actually do this alphabetically then “Dave Matthews Band” is going to be separated from “Matthews, Dave” which is just stupid.

CM Punk: Stop it! Why are you even doing that? You shouldn’t be organizing Triple H’s CDs! He’s our enemy!

Serena: I’d sort it all alphabetically by first name. That way you’d avoid at least that problem.

Gallows: Thank you. At least somebody is being helpful today.

Chris Jericho: Hey guys? What’s going on? Organizing your CDs? That’s cool! Any Fozzy in there?

Punk: Haha! Yeah right. Hey! Paramore! They’re my biggest fans! So, Chris, ready to be Straight Edge?

Jericho: Look, I don’t want to be Anything Edge. Besides, nobody gets drunk in the back of some dude’s cab like me. And I love my hair too much.

Punk: You’ll never beat Triple H!

McGruber: Ouch, man! That was cold!

Jericho: Thanks for putting me in your movie, by the way. That’s going to do wonders for my IMDB profile. Android Apocalypse and Albino Farm will only take you so far.

McGruber: Oh God. How did you make it past casting?

Kristen Wiig: Says the guy who was in Baby Mama. Hell, says the guy who was in McGruber.

Jericho: Good luck with Kozlov tonight.

McGruber: That guy hasn’t won a match in, like, two years. I’m pretty sure I got this.

(ads)

Vladamir Kozlov vs. McGruber (w/ Kristen Wiig)

The two “I”s in Wiig really bother me. Oh wait.

Ryan Phillipe: I just woke up. Sorry, guys.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Ah, hell, son, don’t worry about it. I used to show up with five minutes left in the show and nobody ever said anything about it.

Phillipe: Thanks, bald guy! Now, I’m going to change this match. Instead of my main man, Will-

McGruber: McGruber! My name is McGruber!

Phillipe: Whatever. This guy is taking on a new opponent! Mystery Opponent!

Vladamir Kozlov vs. A Polar Bear (w/ Kristen Wiig, McGruber, and Ryan Phillipe)

A polar bear? Really? That’s the Mystery Opponent. Ugh. Come on. They couldn’t have gotten Dolph Ziggler or something? Was Slam Master J busy or something? I’m pretty sure Slam Master J could beat Vladamir Kozlov at this point. I have no idea who that’s more damning for. The polar bear probably. The bear eats some fish and then tries hiding under the ring. Look out, Hornswoggle. Kozlov just rolls his eyes and bails. That Santino show can’t come soon enough, eh? The bear wins! I will say this, the bear is a better wrestler than The Great Khali.

McGruber: Wow. What a whatever that was! Now I want everybody to check out my hot new movie A Good Old Fashioned Orgy coming to a theatre near you later this year.

Kristen Wiig: I hate you so much.

Phillipe: I haven’t felt this good since I broke it off with Reese Witherspoon before her career tanked. It’s good being the only real celebrity on this show.

Wiig: Yeah. I loved you in Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare.

(ads)

In the volcano…

Sheamus: Hello? Anybody there? Um…I’m all alone here, and it’s actually getting kind of freaky. Anybody want to come talk to me? No? Aw….

(ads)

Triple H, Edge, and Rey-

(ads)

Triple H, Edge, and Rey Misterio vs. CM Punk, Luke Gallows, and Chris Jericho (w/ Serena)

I thought with all the RAW people stuck in that volcano that maybe we could go a whole night without interrupting the beginning of the match, but I guess not. The show disappoints yet again. It’s nice to see Hunter giving the rub to young guys like Rey and Edge, you know? I wonder how much they had to pay him to wake up from his nap and come do this. Festus with some offense which seems to surprise even him. Things quickly devolve into all six guys (and the girl) milling around the ring hitting random moves on whoever they can get their hands on (WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-miiiike Chioda sells like a champ) until Hunter gets sleepy again and hits the PEDIGREE TO CM PUNK~! for the win. Jericho chuckles that he managed to escape Hunter’s wrath here. Poor Punk.

Next Week: It’s the WWE Draft! Hopefully we’ll learn the rules before the show instead of making them up as we go along! Who will wind up, inexplicably, on NXT? And we finally get the answer to the question everyone’s been asking: Which show will get Tim Tebow?!

Rob Van Dam: AAAAAAH!

Jeff Hardy: What is it, Rob? What’s wrong?!

RVD: Jeff! Dude, I just had the worst nightmare! My friends all crashed into a volcano and Triple H spent an hour napping on a couch!

Hardy: It was just some crazy dream, Rob! Now get some sleep. You’ve got a big week ahead of you.

RVD: Yeah! All right!! Wait…why?

Hardy: Because you’re the new TNA Champion!

RVD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!