Last Week: Just when you thought Batista had quit, he took a nap in the middle of the ring. Also, for some reason unknown to everyone, Meatloaf showed up and died. Also, RAW Owner Flava Flav did literally nothing. Maybe our owner will do something…TONIGHT!
 
[Ed. Note: If you feel like you don't remember Last Week's Satire, it could be because e-mail gremlins ate it, and it was not delivered to OO Headquarters until a week late. However, you can now go back and read it RIGHT HERE.]

(Opening Credits)

Bret Hart: I’ll bet you want to know what the deal is? Well, the deal is that I have no idea what “WWE” is, and I’m an old, crippled topless genie with no desire to win a belt, especially not the “United States” title. So basically, I’m pretty much going to go back home now.

Chris Jericho: Laaaaaame. Why did you bother to come out here if you were just going to say that you were leaving?

Hart: Because I’m pretty much an attention whore.

Jericho: That actually makes a lot of sense. So…Let me ask you, Bret…How can I be more like you? I mean really. When I’m 80 years old, I want to have gone through a major downward spiral, become a pants less djin and win a belt from an up and coming star of “The Jersey Shore Goes to Alaska.” How can I do that?

Hart: Chris, look in the mirror. One trip to TNA and you’re already me.

Jericho: Eh. It’s not worth going to TNA for that. I’m already the best guy on all these shows anyway. Dare I say, the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be?

Hart: No, probably not. I’m pretty sure that honor still goes to Val Venis.

Jericho: So you’re still not going to wrestle? Come on, man. It’s The Miz. The Miz! Even you can beat him!

Hart: Naaaaaah.

Jericho: C’mon!

Hart: Ok, you’ve convinced me! Um…something about the Hart Dynasty.

You know what’s hilarious? The Great Khali in a car.

The Great Khali: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Indian Eric Bischoff: Yeah. This is stupid. Let’s move back to India.

Hornswoggle: This makes me want to shop for clothes at WWE.com somehow!

Edge Tian vs. Chris Tian

Oh, when brothers collide! I think! I forget where we’re at with that nowadays. I’m pretty sure I’m just going to say they’re still brothers, regardless of what anybody else says. I mean they have the same last name! So, anyway, Randy Orton booked this match, in lieu of either Vickie Guerrero (who I think quit…again) or Buzz Aldrin (who I think has no idea who any of these people are). I have to admit, I think that Orton could’ve made this harder than Christian. When was the last time this guy actually won a real match? And no, Smackdown doesn’t count. Edge with the Spear for the win.

Randy Orton: Hahaha! Just kiddering! Your real proponent is Takerster!

The Disemvoiced Body of The Undertaker vs. Edge

And Edge is, like, “Um…No.” and then leaves. Well, that’s not very nice. Undertaker teleported himself all the way over to Toronto! He had to go through Teleport Customs, and I don’t know if you’ve ever had to clear that? But it’s horrible. The lines are hundreds deep, and for some reason you can’t wear pants. But you don’t have to declare any produce, so it’s worth it. So what are the chances that Orton bails out on whatever match Edge books for him? Maybe Edge will book Taker!

Backstage….

Maryse: You know, what did Trish Stratus ever do? Get popular and then quit before she got fired? Mickie James wishes she was so lucky. But you know what? She couldn’t speak French! And she didn’t have the world’s worst Twitter account like I do!

Eve Torres: I have no idea what you just said, Frenchie!

And then Eve dumps a bunch of flower on Maryse. She’s a ghost! Ah! Elsewhere….

Buzz Aldrin: Man, I’m so glad I bought Dancing With the Stars! Now they’ll never be able to kick me off. Where’s that dance partner of mine, I’ve got to work on learning how to walk around to music!

Lois Aldrin: I don’t think you’re on that show anymore, dear.

Vickie Guerrero: Hi, I’m actually in charge here.

Buzz: Didn’t you quit though?

Vickie: How would you know that unless you watched the show?

Buzz: I…um…You know what? I walked on the goddamn moon. You shut up your face.

The Bella Twins: Yeah, but you’ll always only be the second guy.

Buzz: That was creepy, and yet so hot. I’m confused. Everybody out. Leave me in peace so I can learn to Fox Trot. Or maybe read some Fox Trot.

Mark Henry vs. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Dave comes out and whacks Henry in the face with a 2x4, and then tosses into the steps. Have I mentioned lately how much I’m going to miss Thetista? Because this is pretty much exactly how I would resolve a potential match against Mark Henry too. Our little guy has grown up a lot over the years. I mean, his favorite book is still the A-Z Picture Encyclopedia, but we’ve come a long way. Then Dave gets a spotlight, walks into the ring, yawns, and then leaves. Match of the Year Candidate.

Ted DiBiase (w/ Virgil) vs. Yoshi Tatsu

Man, kind of an anticlimactic end to the 2010 Miss Virgil Competition. I mean, we didn’t even get to the evening gown event. Seriously, though, I’m guessing that after he got shot down last month, the guy put together a hell of a resume. One of his references was Ted DiBiase! Where do you go wrong with that? And who has more experience dealing with the zero fans Ted has than Virgil? Virgil is the perfect Virgil. I’m just surprised it took us this long to figure that out. I mean, yes, it feels a little like Tyra Banks declaring herself America’s Next Top Model, or Gordon Ramsey winning Hells Kitchen or Justin Credible coming out on top on X-Factor, but Virgil being cast as Virgil just feels right, you know? DiBiase wins with…I don’t know, I stopped paying attention ten minutes ago. After the match, Ted tells R-Truth that he probably would’ve won, but Ventriloquist Rapping isn’t really a “talent” per se.

Backstage….

The Miz: Man, even I should be able to beat Bret Hart, right?

Chris Jericho: I wouldn’t bet on it. No, really, you shouldn’t bet on wrestling.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Matthews here and I’m standing by with The Miz, and Miz I have to ask you-

The Miz: No you don’t.

Mathews: Fair enough.

Miz: First I’m going to beat Bret Hart, then I’m going to beat up the Hart Dynasty, and then I’m going to buy their house and loan it to MTV for The Real World: Calgary, the most boring Real World yet. And they’re going to turn The Dungeon into a den for playing beer pong!

Bret Hart: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Miz vs. Bret Hart
For the WWE United Stat Title

Bret gives his glasses away to a 30 year old guy in the crowd. That guy’s been waiting twenty years for this moment! Miz brings out Kozlov and Regal to counteract the Hart Dynasty, but the Hart Dynasty comes out anyway because nobody is afraid of Kozlov and Regal. And sure enough, they just take them out and leave. Thanks for coming out tonight, guys! Jericho is out to see what’s going on, but he’s headed off by Natalya, which doesn’t last very long, because she’s a girl. So the Hart Dynasty comes back out to fend off Jericho. There’s not much wrestling going on here. I kind of forgot that Bret was in the match. In fact, so did Bret, and when he finally wakes up out of his stupor, he just tosses Miz down and puts on the Sharpshooter for the win. Um…yay? Bret Hart is the new U.S. Champion. In Canada. Bret makes out the title as is his wont.

Santino Marella is the most irritating man in the world. I’ve got nothing more about that, I just wanted you to know.

Michelle McCool, Layla El, and Maryse vs. The Bella Twins and Eve Torres

I was going to make a hilarious comment about wondering why Buzz would’ve picked this particular group of Divas to wrestle tonight, but then I realized that these are pretty much the best wrestlers left. I feel like I’m slighting Kelly Kelly Kelly somehow there, but I can’t figure out where or how. Even though she basically insulted all of Canada and called out Canadian God of Yoga Trish Stratus earlier, Maryse gets a huge cheer, because Canadians will cheer for anything vaguely Canadian. How else do you explain the enduring popularity of Bryan Adams? It’s too bad he died, or we could’ve brought Kronik back. Maryse beats Nikki with a DDT. After the match, Eve Torres still looks perplexed that she’s the Diva’s Champion.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you why in the world did you go on Twitter and try to defend how boring you are?

John Cena: Josh, let me defend my Tweet with the following freestyle rap-

Mathews: No. Because your tweet was about how you weren’t ever going to rap on TV ever again.

Cena: Did I say that?

Mathews: Yep. You then went on to say that you wanted Justin Bieber to appear on your next album.

Cena: Remind me to fire my official Tweeter.

Tough Enough Jessie: NOOOOO! WAAAAAAAH!

Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger

Man, I guess Edge must’ve really felt bad about bailing on that Undertaker match, because he’s letting Orton off reeeeally easily here. Randy doesn’t do the obvious thing here, and decide to not even bother with the match. I’m pretty sure this is mostly because he still wants to beat the crap out of Jack Swagger, and for that I can’t really blame him. I think I’ve figured out what the problem with Face Orton is. He can’t do a CHINLOCK~! Because that’s a heel move. But that effectively cuts his moveset in half. Swagger looks like he’s teetering on the verge of falling over, but Edge runs in and holds him up. That’s a DQ, according to WWE RAW Referee John Cone, who is apparently a real stickler for the rules now. Edge with the Spear on Orton, but in doing so he has to let go of Swagger, who falls over. Orton wins!

Here’s Buzz Aldrin! What’s up, Buzz?

Buzz Aldrin: I don’t know what this show is or what it’s about. I honestly haven’t watched any television since Matlock Babies. I only bought it because that little man from the UFO wearing a clock told me this was Dancing with the Stars. I walked on the moon! Did you know that?

Zach Ryder: Silly old man, don’t you know they faked that? They filmed all your stuff in a desert in Arizona. It doesn’t even look halfway real anymore. I could whip up a better looking moon landing on my iPhone. In fact, I did.

I have to admit, it looks pretty good. Except for the big tree in the background.

Ryder: I filmed that at the Hart Mansion, which I won’t buy. Partly because I hate Canada, but mostly because I can’t afford it.

Buzz: I’m going to…I…um…?

Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox vs. Evan Bourne and Gail Kim (w/ Buzz Aldrin)

Hahaha poor Buzz. Lines are really hard to remember! Anyway, this feud started last week when Gail Kim got really confused as to why she was hanging out with Zack Ryder in the first place, so then she stopped, and glommed onto the closest guy available. Unfortunately for her, it was Evan Bourne. Gail Kim just cannot win in life, can she? I’m still pretty stunned that Zack Ryder is under contract. Woo Woo indeed. Gail hits her move on Alicia (That’s Her Move!) for the win. Buzz moonwalks back up the ramp.

And now, here’s Goldust on a blind date.

Goldust: Does my dress make you uncomfortable?

Blind Lady: I’m blind. How the hell should I know?

Goldust: Ffffffffpt! Goldust!

Sheamus vs. John Cena

Sheamus has a very impressive…what is it two? One and a half? Match winning streak over Cena. All things considered that actually is pretty impressive. I think I’ve only beat Cena twice myself, and I’ve only been around for eight years or whatever. He’s still got weird hair and he’s translucent. The guys go back and forth for a while, while the crowd in Toronto kind of just groans in unison with the action, because while they definitely don’t want to cheer for Cena, the alternative is cheering for Sheamus, and that’s a road that nobody really wants to go down. Cena finally takes control of the match at the one hour mark, and pushes him outside. Then “Dave” Batista “Davidson” runs to the ring and drops Cena on his head. Because he’s awesome. That’s a DQ, by the way. Then Dave locks in the Crossface on Cena, because he’s not afraid to get fired for stealing a dead murder’s move.

Next Week: Jon Lovitz buys RAW, because nothing quite says “Marketing to a younger generation” than back to back to back weeks of Flavor Flav, Buzz Aldrin, and Jon Lovitz. Also, Bret Hart suddenly remembers that he’s too good for the United States Title. And the Ghost of Meatloaf Past comes back to haunt Randy Orton and make a delicious breakfast sandwich.