Last Week: RAW was Wild and Young, as the rookies of the nXt led by superstar Daniel Bryan spent way too long ending RAW. Also, the A-Team took three damn hours to shill their movie, which is probably why it did so bad. And it was viewers choice, where the viewers booked…nothing anybody wanted to see. Maybe that will change…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey, it’s Wade Barrett, the Hulk Hogan of new Xanax tribe. That’s a horrible tattoo, by the way! The Entire Ring Crew, including the announcers. Can we just have these guys policing outside the ring from now on then? I can’t wait for WWE RAW Timekeeper Michael Tarver.

Wade Barrett: So I’ve been asked to apologize for what happened last week, but first, let me give mic time to the lower level members of my stable.

Cue that porn music! They should’ve done this in a shoddily put together black and yellow video package.

Heath Slater: There’s a reason why they never gave me mic time before!

Justin Gabriel: I’d rather be watching the World Cup!

Skip Sheffield: I’ll only apologize if I get Union dental care!

Michael Tarver: Mmfffamm!

Darren Young: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YOOOO! YOOOOOOOOO!

Barrett: That’s enough.

David Otunga: Have I mentioned lately that my girlfriend is Jennifer Hudson?

Barrett: You may have noticed that we’re missing a member here tonight.

Otunga: No. No I did not.

Barrett: You see WWE, we’re not apologizing, because the thing is, you picked possibly the worst way to debut us “nXt rookies!” You made us dress in the corner, while Randy Orton pooped in our bags! You matched us up with pros that hated us and that we hated-

Slater: Chris Tian wasn’t so bad.

Gabriel: Yeah, and Matt Hardy was pretty much the perfect person for a goofy guy who was pretty but nobody could understand.

Barrett: Yeah, and I guess Jericho was ok.

Tarver: Mmm gff dmt hmm moo bddd wff Clldmm!

Barrett: Yeah, whatever he said! You never fleshed out the rules of the show, you lied to the media when you said it’d be like Tough Enough, we did a whole bunch of crap that had nothing to do with wrestling, and then you spit us out and started up a new season that managed to be even more of a ridiculous mess than ours! And for what? So Heath here could go back to jobbing to G-Rilla?

Heath: Don’t make me do it!

Hart: Look, nobody knows more about organizing randomly overpowered beatdowns than me. The Hart Foundation and nWo practically wrote the book on organized beatdowns. So don’t think I don’t respect that. But if you think you’re going to be the next WWF champion, you’re wrong. Because NXT was all a huge joke and you’re all fired. Or not hired. Or whatever.

Barrett: So we still work for WWE, though, right?

Hart: Yeah. My statement only applies to the WWF.

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John Morrison vs. Zack Ryder vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth
In a Fatal Fourway Match for the WWE United States Title

This match is happening right now because…um…Those two matches they have booked for Sunday are taking up too much of the allotted PPV time. Bananarama in your pants what’s up? What’s up? What in the hell is up? Somebody just tell him. And then tell me. And while you’re at it tell me what the hell Zack Ryder is doing in this match. Or as an NXT pro. What, exactly, was the criteria for being an NXT pro this year? “Have wrestled in a match on TV?”

(ads)

Don’t get me wrong, though, Lowki being mentored by Michelle McCool and Layla is genius. He really does need to learn to be more attractive. I think I played Kaval on my NES back in the day. You’re not missing anything, by the way. R-Truth danced, and everybody was stunned, and he tried to pin them all, but it didn’t work. It was kind of like that Michael Jackson arcade game, except Truth didn’t grope any kids afterwards. He did have a Bananarama in his pants, though. Miz knocks out Morrison and pins Truth for the win. We have a new United States champion! I guess!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Randy Orton.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I have to ask you, are you still claiming that your shoulder is just fine?

Randy Orton: John, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the RNN Girl’s Chocolatechip, and I have no ideal what you’re talkering about.

Mathews: Your shoulder. Which is reportedly hanging by a thread, to the point where it’s killing you to move, let alone wrestle.

Orton: John, the xTn guys remain me a lot of a youth me. So I think they should be fried.

Mathews: Never mind.

(ads)

Backstage….

Matt Feuerstein: No, that was Matt Frewer. I’m Matt Feuerstein.

The Bella Twins: We still loved you in Max Headroom.

Feuerstein: Great. You guys are pretty creepy. But also pretty hot. Do you want to be on Royal Pains?

Bellas: We’re already on one show every week that nobody watches.

Ted DiBiase: Hey! Guy I have no idea who you are! Sell me RAW.

Feuerstein: Um…No, guy who I don’t know who you are.

DiBiase: Virgil, tell this fool who I am!

Virgil: He’s…uh…my old boss’ son?

The Big Show: Hey, guys! Something vaguely threatening!

DiBiase: All right. Fine. We’re leaving. But we’ll see the two of you in a match later tonight!

Feuerstein: Maybe I’ll show you some moves that I learned in my time on The Guiding Light! That’s right. I’ll go into a coma at you!

Bellas: That’s not sexy.

Feuerstein: I was also on Caroline in the City.

Show: Best quit while you’re behind, there, pal.

Elsewhere, John Cena secretly wishes that he had been on Caroline in the City.

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne

Everybody excitedly remembers that Evan Bourne was suddenly relevant a couple weeks ago, before completely disappearing last week (because nobody in the audience cared about him). Jericho, meanwhile, looks on the verge of taking another two year vacation so that he can host a horrible gameshow about things falling off buildings. Which…really, that’s about right. Except that game show is never going to get picked up, let’s be honest here. Jericho with the Codebreaker, but Bourne’s hair product protects him, so there’s no pin. Jericho’s so upset that he just pokes WWE RAW Referee John Cone until he calls for the DQ. Poor guy.

(ads)

APPLEDOUGH!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YOOOOO! YOOOOOOO!

Chokin’ dudes with ties?
You know that ain’t cool,
That’s how people die,
Mattel will take you to school!

nXt wants to attack me?
You want to scare Michael?
You’re not cool,
You’re just Radicalz!

But unlike Perry and Dean,
And those two dead guys,
You don’t scare me,
You’re all small fries!

So bring out your little group,
Put down your little beers,
I love 8 on 1s,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

And sure enough, the nXt guys do come out from the crowd. Apparently they had no trouble getting tickets to the show! It looks like Cena is going to get beat down again, which would’ve been hilarious, but Jerry “” Lawler, R-Truth, William Regal, and the Rest of the RAW Locker Room (sans Chris Jericho) come out to defend Cena. Really? But all these guys hate Cena!

Anyway, six awesome things happen all at once.

1) Despite Edge taking literally every opportunity to cheap shot the hell out of Orton the past few weeks, including slamming him in a door, they walk out holding hands and take down Michael Tarver together.

2) Justin Gabriel and Evan Bourne see each other and cease to exist.

3) John Cena devolves into Darren Young, and vice versa. Confusing the hell out of everyone in the ring for about twenty minutes.

4) Sheamus manages NOT to hit either one of them with the lead pipe he brought down to the ring, even though he totally should.

5) Mark Henry leads a backstage chase of the nXt guys, BEFORE any of them even head backstage, But realizing that he’s never going to catch any of them, he lets them all run by him with a friendly wave once they get past the curtain.

6) Santino Marella, for whatever reason, runs into the parking lot, instead of the ring, and is immediately run over by a car completely unrelated to everything else.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Sheamus.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Sheamus. Sheamus, what do you think of the nXt?

Sheamus: Fella, I don’t like any rookie who thinks he can just come in, bum around a few weeks, and then expect a WWE Title shot.

Mathews: Um….

Eve Torres and Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox and Maryse

I guess these four are going to be in a four way at the Pay Per View on Sunday. Whatever the hell it’s called. Whatever. I’ll probably be watching E3 highlights and trying not to poke at my surgically repaired nose. Though it’s more fun than it sounds. Poke poke poke. Lawler spends literally the entire match trying to hit on Maryse, even though she can’t hear him, and Cole spends literally the entire match trying to say “Maurice.” I wonder why Michael isn’t happier that Daniel Bryan got fired? It’s no fun if you can’t gloat! Eve wins with her move (That’s Her Move!).

(ads)

The Big Show and Mark Feuerstein vs. Ted DiBiase and Virgil

Show calls Feuerstein his “best friends” which probably makes Show’s 50 other best friends pretty sad. He also does the Stinkface on DiBiase, which is classic Showkishi. Virgil finally comes in and immediately has his shirt torn off. DUDE! That’s one of Virgil’s two shirts! Not cool. Not cool at all. Chokeslam, and then Feuerstein comes in for the Worm and the pin. DiBiase looks sad at Virgil’s lack of shirts, and puts a hundred bucks in his mouth to pay for it (no pockets), but then remembers that he has to buy the doughnuts tomorrow, so he takes the money back. It’s got Virgil germs all over it! Ew!

(ads)

Santino Marella vs. William Regal
With Guest Referee Vladamir Kozlov

Santino is alive! Actually, he looks better after he got ran over than he did earlier! Kozlov looks torn between two lovers here. He also looks great in a referees shirt. He should just be a referee from now on, you guys. What the hell is this, the fashion report? Geez. Santino attempts some offense, but Regal just punches him in the face. Kozlov goes over to complain about the closed fist, and Santino rolls Regal up with the tights. Kozlov literally does not care. Santino wins! Regal is a huge winy baby about it, but Vlad knows who’s going to get him more screen time. Bret Hart comes out. To hilariously insert himself in a bottom of the card angle? Nope, to tell them to shut up and stand next to Yoshi Tatsu so they can all patrol the ring together. There’s a power group.

(ads)

Edge and Sheamus vs. Randy Orton and John Cena
With the Entire RAW Roster Milling Around the Ramp for Some Reason

Everybody on stage claps for the faces when they come out, which is nice. Even the heels, which is a little awkward to explain, but whatever. So, here’s a question for you, if the nXt guys are so intent on getting back at their former mentors for what huge dicks they were, why aren’t they going after the Smackdown ones too? Or Carlito…at his house? Orton with the CHINLOCK~! on Sheamus, so maybe his arm is fine, I don’t know.

(ads)

Randy’s just so confusing. Anyway, things go back and forth for a while, mostly because Edge and Shemus can’t get on the same page. I think they’re both upset that they didn’t take advantage of the random brawl earlier tonight, and take out their opponents. Then they could have a Terrible Two-Way for the WWE Spinnin’ Title! Some Ultimate Opportunist you turned out to be, Edge. Geez. Anyway, Orton’s setting up for another Chinlock on Sheamus, when the lights go out in the arena. OOOOH! The Disembodied Voice of The Undertaker is finally going to reveal who killed his body! I’ve got money on Jameson! Come ooooon, Jameson!

Oh, wait.

Backstage, the nXt guys have broken into Bret Hart’s office and are administering a 6-on-1 beat down of the Hitman. Security is really crappy at this arena, isn’t it? And where are the Divas? I didn’t see any of them on the stage. Don’t tell me that Maryse couldn’t take out Skip Sheffield. Maybe they all left with Big Show. Or Jericho, because he wasn’t out there either.

Anyway, the nXt drags Hart into a limo. Well, that’s nice. Which proceeds to spin around in circles and randomly back into other cars. Well…That’s not quite as nice.

They open the door and taunt Bret, who appears to be perfectly fine, if a bit dizzy, because he’s had plenty of experience faking limo crashes, and then run off, on the off chance that one of the billion people standing out on the stage just happened to be watching the Titantron.

But who was driving the limo?! It’s a mystery that will last all summer…oh…wait. The door just opened.

Tough Enough Jessie: I told you I would get my revenge, Hart! You think you can get away from your nemesis so easy? NEVER! HAHAHAHAHA!

Next Week: nXt hatches a diabolical plan to “accidentally” screw up R-Truth’s catering order. Mwahahahaha! Also, Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov square off in a KISS DVD Board Game Battle! And The results of the Fatal Fourway PPV will be announced for the billions of people who didn’t bother to watch the show.