Last Week: Bret Hart finally quit again, and was immediately replaced by Michael Cole’s MacBook. Nobody noticed. Also, the nXt showed up, beat up John Cena and Vince McMahon, then left, making them the most popular group in the history of our great sport. And the celebrity guest owner was just Vince, who isn’t a celebrity at all! Maybe that will change…TONIGHT!

Hey, it’s Sheamus, who is, like, the champion or something. I don’t believe it either.

John Cena: Like Mayonnaise face? Or Booger Red? Or “Fella?” Look, man, I love you like a red headed stepchild, but let’s be honest with ourselves. The only thing that is stopping me from beating you for the title sometime in the next couple months is Triple H coming back and beating you before I get the chance.

Michael Cole: Guys! Guys! If I could have your attention. I got a letter here from the Internet. It says, “Dear Michael, would you please get somebody else to read these announcements? You annoy the hell out of me.” I…don’t think I was supposed to read that part. Besides, I don’t think he means it! Err….”Tonight Sheamus will be taking on Mark Henry, for no particular reason. Also, eight guys who will be in a Money In the Bank match at our stupid gimmicky Money in the Bank PPV will have a match.” Also, randomly, if the nXt guys so much as look at a WWE Superstar funny, they’re going to be wrestling in a high school gym next week, like that idiot face Daniel Bryan.

Sheamus: See, this is why I’m not on Facebook. People are so uppity over the Internet.

Cena: Michael, I find that hard to believe. Can you forward it to my e-mail? [email protected]?

Sheamus: I’m [email protected]

Jerry “” Lawler: Add me to the list too! [email protected]!

Cena: What a lame e-mail address!

Cole: Also, Sheamus, you’ll be taking on John Cena in a Cage Match at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE NXT Presents WWE Money in the Bank.

Cena: Ha! Told you!

Sheamus: I don’t get what cage matches have to do with Money in the Bank.

Cena: It’s because when I beat you I’ll be putting more money. In my bank. Booyah.

Sheamus: There are no words for how much I hate you right now.

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The Hart Dynasty vs.-

Never mind, because here’s The Usos (w/ Tamina). They may very well (hell, I will go so far as to say they probably were) supposed to be the opponents in this match, but they just waylay the Harts, making that whole conversation useless. Basically, Tyson and the Bulldog take one shot and bail out, which is pretty lame of them. This leaves poor Natalya all alone, and while I’m pretty sure she could take the Usos (w/ Tamina) in real life, Tamina hits the Big Splash (that’s her move!) and runs off. Leaving the rest of the Hart Dynasty to nap around the ring. Wake up, you guys! You keep getting beaten up by these lame dudes!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with R-Truth.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with…ugh…R-Truth? What in the hell could you possibly have to say?

R-Truth: What’s up?

Mathews: Yeah. Should’ve seen that one coming. Don’t you have anything else to say? Disappointed that the nXt or “Nexus” isn’t attacking you, despite the fact that you were one of the big foils in Season One?

R-Truth: Bananarama in your pants what’s up?

Mathews: No? Want to compare them to zoo animals? How they should be locked up and watched and have things thrown at them through the cage by small children? And how you’re the zookeeper keeping tabs on all of them?

R-Truth: That’s a really strained analogy, Josh.

Mathews: What’s up?

Truth nods sagely.

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Vladimir Kozlov vs. Santino Marella

You know, I just don’t get these two. I thought they were best friends, but then they were fighting, and then they were best friends again, and now they’re fighting again. I wish these two would just make up their minds and film their Bosom Buddies remake already. Or a Perfect Strangers where both guys are Balki. Vlad basically spends the entire match trying to get Santino to take him out, which is nice, but Santino is…Santino. So he ends up just getting pinned. William Regal comes out to promote Eclipse, but Vlad hates tween vampires, so he kicks Regal out of the way and carries Santino off back to his lair.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with The Great Khali and Indian Eric Bischoff.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with The Great Khali and Indian Eric Bischoff. Really? Does anybody actually care what these guys have to say about the nXt?

The Great Khali: AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Indian Eric Bischoff: No, Khali. Even I don’t care what we have to say about this angle. Now go check your work visa or we’re going to deport you to Scotland.

Khali: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Here’s Rob Zombie, who owns RAW now, I guess. Vince probably just gave it to him.

Rob Zombie: Hey, dudes. Everybody knows I love terrible entertainment, and there’s nothing more terrible than WWE Monday Night RAW. So it’s only natural that I’m given the show to run even further into the ground. Anyway, I guess I’m supposed to tell you who the eight guys in the Money in the Bank match are at the old Pay Per View thing. I don’t know who half of these guys are, but here we go. Ranky Q. Morgan, The Miz, R-Truth, “Game Show Host” Chris Jericho, Evan Bourne, for some reason Ted DiBiase, and of course, my best friend Edge. My best friend who used my awesome theme song “Never Gonna Stop” until he got hurt for the umpteen millionth time and came back and got a new theme song made buy guys who weren’t cool enough to be in Creed. THEY WEREN’T COOL ENOUGH TO BE IN CREED! What. The. Hell. And what does Alter Bridge even mean?!

Edge: Look, man, I used to love you. I really, really did. But then you made me come out during your concert and walk around the stage while you played the whole song. And it was awkward as all hell. And if you know anything about Edge, I don’t do awkward. Or Pilates. And what the hell was that song anyway? I quote, “Yeaaaah, My Durango, Number 95, Kick boots and ultra live. See Heaven, flash a horror show, Knock it nice and smooth and watch it flow. Yeah.” What the hell does that even mean, man?

Zombie: I don’t know, Edge. I was pretty wasted when I wrote that. I think it’s about kicking boots and watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show on a DVD player in your 1995 Dodge Durango.

Edge: That…actually makes a lot of sense. I still hate you for the whole dancing around bit though.

Zombie: Yeah. I guess I earned that one.

Michael Cole: I just got an important message from our new general manager! I’ve won 400,000 Euros in a randomly selected lottery! All I have to do is send him my name, e-mail address and bank account number! Later, bitches!

Backstage, Mark Henry is dreaming about eating 400,000 gyros.

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Sheamus vs. Mark Henry (w/ Lucky Cannon)

Yes, contrast is fun, you guys! So is Lucky related to Palmer Cannon? You know, I thought his name was Paul Mercanon for, like, the entire time he was there. Which was about three weeks, right? At least he unleashed Super Porky on the world. I kind of wish this was a title match so there would be the tiniest chance that Sheamus would get hurt and Mark Henry would accidentally become WWE Champion. Henry goes through his power moveset, gets exhausted, and gets hit with the Bicycle Kick (the Finisher of Champions!). Sheamus wins!

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with the nXt.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with the nXt-

Michael Tarver: It’s the Nexus now. And Malygos? You’re going down, buddy! You think you can take magic out of Azeroth? You’ve got another thing coming.

Mathews: Look, I can’t take this anymore. And without Wade Barrett, you’re just a bunch of dudes. Thanks for your time.

Skip Sheffield: Can I do my catchphrase?

Justin Gabriel: Absolutely not.

Skip gets so mad that he throws his sandwich at the production assistant.

Tough Enough Jessie: Now I have mustard on me. WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sheffield: Deal with it!

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Jerry “” Lawler is in the ring. This never leads to anything good.

Jerry “” Lawler: Hi everybody. When I’m not looking at puppies, occasionally I like to watch wrestling matches. And everybody knows wrestling matches were a lot better twenty years ago. So we’ve got a DVD coming out of really old matches starring Ricky Steamboat. Now here’s some guys to talk about that.

It’s Arn Anderson, Dean Malenko, IRS, and Michael Hayes. These totally aren’t a bunch of dudes who were standing around backstage anyway that they just happened to pull out for this segment.

Dean Malenko: When I watch Ricky Steamboat, I see an older, less good version of me. Which is fine. As soon as my private eye business takes off and I can afford a DVD player I’ll watch parts of this one.

Irwin R. Schyster: I have literally nothing to say about Ricky Steamboat, so I’m just going to make a tax joke. Pay your taxes! Ok, that’s not even a joke. You’ll have to excuse me, but I’m still a little upset about my son calling himself “Husky.”

Michael Hayes: Ricky Steamboat owes me, like, $50. So before I say anything good about him, dudes’ gotta pay up.

Arn Anderson: Ricky Steamboat is my best friend and the best wrestler of all time. My top five favorite wrestlers are, in order, Ricky Steamboat, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, and G-Rilla. I have no idea who Ric Flair is or why you would bring his name up.

Ricky Steamboat: I just can’t believe they actually gave me a DVD. They must’ve been out of ideas and money.

Here’s the nXt out to interrupt this little gab fest. I do think they’re right, though. Malygos is kind of a jerk. They’re not very threatening without Wade Barrett, but they do force the Legends into a defensive circle. Unfortunately for Arn, his bladder can’t hold out, so he rolls out of the ring and gets the crap kicked out of him. Mostly figuratively! IRS doesn’t last much longer before Otunga gets ahold of his tie and pulls him out of the ring to tell him about Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar. They punk out Lawler, which might be a mistake, because I’m pretty sure he’s still on the “active” roster. I think Michael Hayes wandered off somewhere during all this excitement. I’m pretty sure he’s super drunk. All the time. They surround Steamboat, and all hit their finishers (That’s There Moves!), before they get chased off by Malenko, who was busy trying to get a girl’s number to make this whole segment worthwhile. Medics come out to check on Steamboat, who apparently has turned much more frail than the last time we saw him when he was beating up Chris Jericho.

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The old guys are still standing around ringside. Somebody get them a Hoveround.

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Alicia Fox and Maryse vs. Gail Kim and Eve Torres

WWE Diva Josh Mathews is out on commentary, and counting his blessings that he’s not backstage interviewing people nobody wants to hear from anymore. Until, of course, he realizes that he’s out there with Michael Cole now, and not just for a couple minutes, but for the rest of the show. Is it any wonder Todd Grisham killed himself? Like, five hundred times? Sadly, the internal struggle of Josh Mathews is far more interesting than this match, which is basically these four screwing up moves until Alicia accidentally knocks Gail out for the win. That May Very Well Be Her Move!

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Edge, Chris Jericho, Ted DiBiase, and The Miz vs.-

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Edge, Chris Jericho, Ted DiBiase, and The Miz vs. R-Truth, John Morrison, Evan Bourne and Randy Orton

Oh, show. I don’t care enough about this match for that. Virgil was right. Maryse is doing a terrible job of protecting Ted DiBiase. How is he supposed to win this pointless tag match without her help? It’s nice to see Chris Jericho out here tonight. Let’s face it, I know he’s in the doghouse right now, but that show where he throws things off a building isn’t going anywhere. There’s only so many times you can watch a car get thrown off a building before it gets annoying. And that number is a million. But still. Unless they get a thousand more Hooters waitresses, this isn’t going anywhere. God, I haven’t been paying attention to a damn thing that’s happened so far in this match.

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John Morrison is playing Randy Orton when we come out of the break. By which I mean that he’s standing around not really doing anything. Edge tries for a Spear, but misses when Morrison gets distracted by a shiny light and wanders a step to the left. Morrison makes the hot tag to…Evan Bourne? Really? That’s our hot tag these days? Oh well, whatever. Bourne is a house afire for literally five seconds, before Jericho kicks him in the face and hits the Codebreaker. DiBiase tags in to finish him off, but he trips over a mysteriously placed Gonzaga shirt and falls over. Orton wins! Who would’ve done something like that?! Was R-Truth even in this match? After the match everybody fights over the ladders that suddenly materialized around ringside. While everybody’s doing that, Orton just sets up DiBiase and climbs him, and grabs the briefcase. They’re not hanging them very high anymore. Probably because Hornswoggle is gonna be in the Smackdown match. Anyway, Orton’s got the briefcase and…Oh. Oh no. You guys, I think he thinks he won it. What if he tries to cash this in now?

Next Week: Sheamus trips over a pothole, allowing Orton to cash in his WWE Title shot. Orton wins! Also, the mystery GM has a 10% off coupon for Barnes and Noble waiting for you! And Chris Jericho accidentally throws himself off a building.