Last Night: Finally, More Kane, though you’ll never get to see it on this show. The Miz won Money in the Bank in what can only be described as “a ladder match.” And Sheamus held on to the WWE Spinnin’ Title with the unwitting help of nXt who were actually trying to get his lucky charms. Maybe they’ll get them…TONIGHT!
 

(Opening Credits)

Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho vs. Edge
In a #1 Contenders Match
 

Wait…talks a lot, does all his work before the show and then doesn’t bother to show up…it’s Scott Hall! Except I don’t think Scotty knows how to use a computer. Or who Wade Barrett is. Jericho with the Codebreaker. It doesn’t get the pin, of course. Because we’re only, like ten seconds in.

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Seriously though, I kind of got shafted with this. The Miz is my Money in the Bank champion? I just missed out on Kane! Kane!! I’m so sad. Jericho bails out to the outside to try to convince people to watch his game show. I did actually catch it last week. Things falling off buildings is pretty much where we’re at as a society, so I’d like to congratulate him for having his finger on the pulse of the viewing audience. Jericho winds up on a treadmill where he falls off a building. Orton wins. Edge is so upset by Randy’s win that he gets a migraine and falls over too. Orton wins again! Orton gets to fight Sheamus twice!

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Edge and Jericho are still in the ring.

Edge: I can’t believe that was the opening match. So, anyway, I have an idea to settle our stupid feud.

Jericho: Bagel eating contest?

Edge: No. Let me come on your show! I need a million dollars and a giant gumball machine.

Jericho: Do you even have any friends that would help you on the show?

Edge: Sure I do! There’s…um…well?

Jericho: At least I have my best friend in the world Wade Barrett. Sure, the nXt guys tried to kill me a couple times, but we’re good now. After all, nobody loves Chris Jericho more than their leader, the Legal Eagle.

Hey, it’s nXt!

Wade Barrett: WoW update! Skip is in the Cataclysm Beta, which sucks because everybody in <The Nexus> is interested in what’s going on, but none of us can understand what he’s talking about.

Skip Sheffield: Yip! Yip! This is a catchphrase!

Barrett: Shut up, Skip. Anyway, Edge, we’d love to be your friends.

Edge: Really?!

Barrett: No.

And then the nXt takes Edge out. Jericho gets a few kicks in as well, until Barrett pulls him off.

Barrett: Chris, I have a confession to make. I never really understood the “Legal Eagle” nickname.

Jericho: It’s…well…you see…Eagles! And they’re majestic! And legal. And…you have…a big nose?

Barrett: AFTER HIM!

And <The Nexus> attacks him too. I have to admit, I like the look of Michael Tarver wearing a handkerchief mask, but man that must be really uncomfortable to wear out there all the time.

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Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with the nXt.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and, Wade Barrett only please, what do you have to say for yourselves after that last segment?

Wade Barrett: Josh, you’ll see later tonight when I beat the hell out of Mark Henry. The nXt is taking over WWE Monday Night RAW, and there’s nothing you or anybody can do about it, or I’m not “The Legal Eagle” Wade Barrett.

Mathews: I thought you hated that name.

Barrett: Yeah, I do. But I’ve already got the tights made up.

Sheamus: Hey guys, I’m a young guy who got pushed way too soon, are you sure I can’t just join nXt?

Barrett: Do you play World of Warcraft?

Sheamus: Fella, that game is for sissies and fellas.

Barrett: You’d better leave now before we beat you over the head with a laptop.

Sheamus: That’s fair.

Elsewhere, John Cena is on the Titantron. What, they couldn’t find anybody else backstage to interview him? What’s Dean Malenko up to?

John Cena: I sort of can’t believe that I got beat up by Justin Gabriel last week. But I kind of deserve it. But you know the old saying, if you can’t beat them, get beat by them and then stand up.

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Eve Torres vs. Maryse (w/ Ted DiBiase)

Really, Teddy’s the best valet. DiBiase proudly proclaims that if Maryse can win the match, that she’ll be the number one contender for the Divas Title. Not to downplay ol’ Maurice or this angle, but really? I mean who else is going to be number one contender? It’s not like they have a whole lot of choices here and it might as well be Maryse. Of course, it’s not going to happen because Alicia Fox is a heel. Sure enough, Eve gets the pin, even though Maryse was in the ropes. DiBiase starts bitching, correctly honestly, but nobody likes a whiner, so John Morrison comes out and misses his move at him. That was almost his move!

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We’re in the ring….

Sheamus: You’re all a bunch of fellas. But I can’t wait until I get done downloading World of Warcraft so that I can make a little girl and join that guild or whatever the hell. I have no idea what I’m talking about any more. But everybody agrees that I’d be a better member than Heath Slater.

The Miz: Hey, buddy. I’m just going to come on out here and lurk behind you all night with this Money in the Bank briefcase. You know. Just in case the opportunity arises for me to wail on you and get a cheap pin. Just like everybody else who’s ever used it. Well…Just about everybody. Damn you, Rob Van Dam.

Michael Cole: E-mail from the RAW General Manager. It just says, “Yeah! All right!!” Whatever that means.

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Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus

This match actually started some time during that last segment, but I stopped paying attention to everything after Sheamus said “Fellas.” It’s really the high point of all his segments now. I will say that the idea of Miz waiting with bated on frigging Evan Bourne to kick Sheamus’ ass enough that he can steal the title amuses me to no end. I think Sheamus should roll a warlock. He just seems like a warlock kind of guy. Sheamus with the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) for the win. Afterwards, Miz whacks Sheamus with the briefcase, but WWE RAW Referee John Cone won’t start the match until Sheamus can recite the lyrics to Men At Work’s seminal 1981 hit “Down Under.” That doesn’t seem quite fair. Then R-Truth comes out to find out “What’s Up?” and Miz bails on the whole idea. Can he do that? I guess so. Why hasn’t this ever come up before?

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Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with The Miz.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with The Miz. And, Miz, I have to ask you, that didn’t really go quite as planned, huh?

The Miz: You know what? Shut up, Josh.

Mathews: I mean, you go to cash in the briefcase, but you knock Sheamus out TOO hard, and then goddamn R-Truth comes running out to chase you off with his rap stylings. I mean…How embarrassing for you!

Miz: I’m just going to hang back and wait until somebody shorter is WWE champion. Or until they fire John Cone.

Mathews: Yes. Mike Mizanin, master strategist.

Elsewhere, Sheamus looks put down.

Gail Kim: Even we can laugh at how terrible you are, red guy!

The Bella Twins: We’d be more convincing WWE Champions.

Sheamus: You guys, that’s really mean. I’m still WWE Champion! And Miz didn’t even get a match against me! Now get out of here before I call you all “fella.”

Randy Orton: It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy, and former holster of the WWE Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I have one word of warming for you, Shameless. You’re a Tarpit and I’m Kane Mart! Paypal to go on sale!

Elsewhere, John Cena is learning all about Twitter.

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Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov vs. William Regal and Zack Ryder

This is like if Head Cheese were still around, but Al and Steve weren’t really allowed to do anything other than look lovingly at each other and occasionally have matches. For whatever it’s worth, I’d still probably watch if their sitcom was just about that. That’s not any different than The Big Bang Theory is it? That’s a genuine question, because I have no idea what The Big Bang Theory is about, and I always just assume it’s about a crazy little Italian and his best friend, a huge Russian guy with no personality. Vlad beats up Ryder just long enough for Santino to get the pin. That’s their move! Regal spends the entire match on the phone with his agent, trying to get through to Ashley Greene.

Backstage, <The Nexus> is furiously trying to grind Zalandar Tribe rep in case they take it out for Cataclysm. Go for the mounts, you guys!

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Wade Barrett vs. Mark Henry

This is your main event folks. Yep. That’s right, it’s a guy who wasn’t on the show six months ago, and Mark Henry. Talk about a ratings bonanza! They should’ve sent Heath Slater out here. Anyway, the story of the match is that Mark is fat, and Wade doesn’t really know how to combat that, except constantly punching him in the top of the head until something interesting happens. nXt comes out to watch, and while that’s not really interesting, per se, Barrett uses that as an excuse to hit the World’s Worst Bodyslam for the win. I think Wade blew out his back trying that one. But, in all fairness, I’m pretty sure that’s how Kurt Angle beat Henry too.

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Is…is this show still going? Ugh. <The Nexus> are still in the ring, and Michael Tarver has a mic. Oh boy.

Michael Tarver: Mmmmf Cnan gmmf-

Heath Slater: Err…I’ll take this. John Cena, get on out here so that we can pretend to like you for five seconds and then attack you.

Justin Gabriel: Oh gee. Way to let him know the plan, Heath.

Darren Young: To be fair, we’ve been doing it all night. It’s not exactly a surprise any more.

Gabriel: You’re back? Nice haircut, dweeb.

Skip Sheffield: Y-

David Otunga: Nobody cares.

John Cena: Let’s see, my choices are either join nXt and wear your stupid Seasame Street T-Shirt-

Wade Barrett: N is for New Main Eventer!

Cena: Or get punched a lot and then stand back up and beat the hell out of all of you.

Barrett: That is…more or less what we’re saying. Yes. Look, how about this? You can either leave the ring and forget the fact that we’re wasting everybody’s time with all this crazy crap. Or we beat you up and then we run away like a bunch of big babies so you can’t get back at us.

Cena: Well I have a better a idea. How about I have a bunch of guys come out here so we can set up a PPV match that gets you on Summerslam, but keeps us all away from the main event for one month.

Barrett: I’m listening.

Cena: Well then here’s the crack team of real winners that I have assembled to finally beat the nXt! Edge, Chris Jericho, John Morrison, R-Truth…uh…The Great Khali? And-

Barrett: Brian Danielson?!

Slater: Evan Bourne? You wouldn’t leave your best friend off the team, right? Especially not for Khali, I hope?

Tarver: Gllfft?

Gabriel: Michael Cole?

Sheffield: Ricky Steamboat?!

Young: Yoshi Tatsu?

Otunga: Jennifer Hudson?

Cena: Um…No. Bret Hart! The guy you tried to kill in a limo!

Barrett: Look out, guys! It’s two people who hate Cena and each other, a guy who can’t hit his move, a rapping man who loses all the time, a slow comedy man, and a guy who had a stroke not that long ago! Run away!

nXt bails through the crowd while Cena celebrates in the ring with his crack team of the worst special forces ever. The Great Khali comes in about ten minutes later, and I think, as you’re reading this, Bret still hasn’t made it down there. But by golly, he’s going to make it by Summerslam! I can almost guarantee it!

Next Week: The RAW GM can’t believe that Cena would feel free to book his own PPV matches, even though literally no one else is surprised. Also, <The Nexus> debuts a new T-Shirt so that if all the members stand together, it’ll eventually spell something! And The Miz accidentally tries to cash in his Money in the Bank contract on himself, becoming WWE United States Champion for the third time.