Last Week: It was the 900^th episode, but since nobody was there, we’ll pretend that it wasn’t. Sheamus was having a good time of it, anyway, making party mixes and playing games from twenty years ago. And The nXt lost another member, but it was only Skip Sheffield, and it wasn’t even on TV so literally nobody cared. Well maybe somebody will…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Probably not, though. Michael Cole immediately starts backpedaling on the whole 900^th episode thing, saying that this is 900 “consecutive weeks” of RAW, which is actually even less accurate somehow. How quickly we forget the Westminster Dog Show. Here’s Bret Hart anyway.

Bret Hart: This show is still on the air? You know, when we started by breaking all kinds of fire codes on the top of a building, I thought we were going to get cancelled or quit in about three episodes. The fact that it’s lasted 900 (and one) is stupid and everybody involved should really be ashamed of ourselves. Especially me and Undertaker, because we had a chance to throw a temper tantrum and stop this mess.

Kane: 900 (and one) episodes and we still need more ME! That’s right. I’m here, bitches. And after spending a thousand hours, millions of dollars, and playing 540 holes, I finally found out who the Undertaker’s true killer was. Turns out it was me this whole time.

Hart: Gasp!

Kane: Yeah, I know right. I never saw it coming. And I guess Taker isn’t as “phenomenal” as AJ Styles. I mean Taker has some pretty awful tattoos, but geez…Have you seen Style’s tattoo? Damn. At least Taker ended Shawn Michael’s career. Remember that guy? He pretty much ruined your whole life! Oh my God. Remember that! That’s why you became a horrible monster! Just like me!

Hart: The difference between the two of us, Kane, is that I’m a bitter old man who became a magic topless genie. Meanwhile, you’re still a bald guy who had sex with a dead girl and loses all the time, even if you are a champion.

Kane: I’m sick of you hanging around here all the time. Get off my TV, old man!

Kane goes after Bret, but The Hart Foundation runs out to stop him. Kane bats them off and gets his hands on Bret, but the lights go off. BONG!

Hey, it’s the Disemvoiced Body of The Undertaker! And he looks like he has nothing to say!

Kane: I can see this segment has reached it’s daily requirement of Kane. So I’m gonna head out.

Michael Cole: For some reason, our RAW General Manager wants to see crippled old Bret Hart take on the corpse of The Undertaker. By Gawd. Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold!

(ads)

RAW 900 (plus 1) Highlight: Dean Malenko’s search for Lita.

Kofi Kingston and Michael McGillicutty vs. Daniel Bryan and Kaval vs. Alex Riley and The Miz

The Bryan/Kaval team isn’t even onto the entrance ramp, and Michael Cole is already vomiting and having seizures. Lawler, on the other hand, can’t figure out whether or not he can call McGillicutty “Joe Hennig” or mention Mr. Perfect so he just stays deathly quiet, and the commentary of the match is just Cole gagging and foaming at the mouth, which is oddly appropriate. Kaval actually hit’s a few moves (One of Those May or May Not Be His Move!), but Miz hits his move (That Actually Is His Move!) for the win. After the match, Danielson tries to congratulate Alex Riley at having an even worse personality than him, but Miz whaps him with the briefcase until he leaves.

(ads)

Layla El and Michelle McCool vs. Eve Torres and Melina

Ah yes, the powerhouse team of Eve and Melina. It’s great to see that they’re at least keeping the terrible wrestlers together. I wonder what Layla and Michelle think about Kaval losing yet again. They probably don’t care. Michelle also doesn’t seem to care much about that fact that her husband’s desecrated corpse is wandering around the arena tonight. Melina with the roll-up on Layla for the win. The official finisher of the Women’s Division. Michelle and Layla grab a mic and basically admit that everybody hates the Diva’s title, so why not just make the Women’s title the default for both brands again? The Rest of the Women’s Divison comes out on the stage and looks for all the world like they do not care.

RAW 900 (plus 1) Highlight: Ric Flair and Torrie Wilson vs. Carlito and Victoria Match of the Year, March 30^th, 2007.

Backstage….

Michael Tarver: Mm cmf bmmd RMM id Nnnnhggd (am 1) epdoods oln.

Wade Barrett: Hey, guys, has anybody seen Skip? He said he’d brb because of bio, but I haven’t seen him in a week.

David Otunga: Yeah. He tripped over a pile of Mountain Dew cans and broke every bone in his body. I don’t think he’ll be raiding with us any time soon.

Barrett: Damn. You think it’s too late to get Darren Young back?

Justin Gabriel: I think that particular ship has sailed.

Barrett: Welp. Anybody want to run Heroic Occulus with me?

(ads)

RAW 900 (plus 1) Highlight: Certainly not the Chris Benoit tribute show.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Chris Jericho.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho, and Chris, I pretty much cannot believe you’re still working here. I know that’s not a question. What are you still doing here?

Chris Jericho: That’s a damn good question. What am I still doing here? Nobody in WWE likes me. I can’t buy a break anymore, and my TV show got cancelled faster than something on the CW.

Mathews: Could you imagine if you went to TNA?

Jericho: Oh God! I know, right? They’d stop the show and it would be all about me. Until, Hogan realizes that I’m there and he boots me. I wonder if Ring of Honor is hiring. Hahahahaha! No I’m not.

Mathews: Hahahaha! Yeah. Good catching up with you, Chris.

Jericho: Go to hell, Josh.

John Morrison-

(ads)

John Morrison and R-Truth vs. Dashing Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre
In a Number One Contenders Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles

Michael Cole takes a momentary break from his dry heaving to thank Jim Ross for getting sick and gifting him this job. Otherwise he’d be on Smackdown with Matt Striker every night. Are Dashing Cody and Drew McIntyre even a real team? I guess Truth and Morrison are basically a real team. But if these are your best picks for number one contenders, then maybe it’s time to start over. I don’t know if Cody is necessarily dashing. If he really did dash around the ring though, he could probably take somebody out with his brow. Hey, there’s a plan. WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan hasn’t even been paying attention, and he just leaves, so this match is officially over. Well played, though, you guys.

(ads)

RAW 900 (plus 1) Highlight: Ric Flair walking in on Triple H having sex with a mannequin.

Bret Hart vs. The Disemvoiced Body of The Undertaker

I’m…not sure why these two are wrestling. Or why there are so many Smackdown guys on RAW’s 900 (and first)th episode. Wade Barrett is out to stop this joke from even happening, which is my job, really. Get off my crap, Wade. BONG! Bret and Wade disappeared, but Kane is out there now. Taker doesn’t looked to happy with this development, so BONG! Kane isn’t there any more, but nXt is. Taker punches Justin Gabriel in the nose and BONG! Friar Ferguson and The Berzerker for some reason. They look confused. BONG! Taker playing cribbage with Barrett. BONG! Barrett breaking a cribbage board over Taker’s head. Justin Gabriel comes back in and punches Taker in the nose while Kane reappears eating some popcorn. Wait…What the hell was that all about?

(ads)

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

Remember the couple months where Jack Swagger was on RAW? Good thing they brought him back to celebrate this nearly historic event. Here is a guy named Alberto Del Rio. Who the hell is that? Ok, you guys. I’m pretty sure he has never been on RAW. That’s not what this night is about! Get rid of him and replace him with Doink. Evan Bourne misses his move (That’s Not His Move!), and Swagger locks him in the ankle lock for the win. Hey, that guy who isn’t Doink has something to say. Maybe he’ll apologize for ruining our party.

Alberto Del Rio: I can’t apologize for something I’ve already done. Besides, when I’m not coaching the Jacksonville Jaguars, I am also a professional wrestler. Now I’m going to speak some Spanish.

I do not speak Spanish.

Del Rio: And that’s why you’ll never see Rey Misterio. That and because he doesn’t have any classic RAW moments. He was only here for, like, five weeks.

Del Rio decides that he’s just wasting everybody’s time, so he tries to something interesting and beat the crap out of Evan Bourne. That’s not very interesting! Mark Henry shows up, and Del Rio bails. Ah, finally. The Mark Henry/Evan Bourne pairing we’ve all been waiting for.

(ads)

RAW 900 (plus 1) Highlight: Remember The Rock? Wasn’t The Rock great, you guys? The Rock!

Here’s CM Punk along with Festus and Joey Mercury. Hey! All of MNM has appeared on this show. I can mark that off my Bingo card! Of course, we all remember all the classic RAW moments that the Straight Edge Society has brought us…like…um…Hey, where’s That Girl from Wrestlicious?

CM Punk: That girl from Wreslicious got fired because she was bald. What was with that? Anyway, do you guys remember the Rock? Well I don’t, because I was too busy toiling fruitlessly in the Indies while we was on top. Living the straight edge life and whatnot. Speaking of which, why do half of RAW’s “classic moments” seem to revolve around drugs and alcohol? Drugging a mannequin to have sex with? Beer baths? Jeff Hardy? Hell, I bet you guys want to see Steve Austin come out here and drink a beer.

Crowd: I guess that would be ok!

Punk: You guys are really coordinated. But Steve Austin has better things to do than come out here. He’s in a movie or something. One that basic cable won’t even be embarrassed to show! And yes, I know what you’re all thinking. “Why is some Smackdown guy out here?” Because Smackdown is the best WWE show of all time. Except, of course, for Internet Heat. But anyway, here’s a clip from Smackdown.

Smackdown Moment: Big Show and Brock Lesnar break the ring.

Punk: Those guys are sooooooo fat. Like. Woah. Fattie alert. No fatties, am I right? That’s why we got rid of Serena.

Festus: I thought you said it was because she was getting drunk all the time.

Joey Mercury: You told me I would become more popular once I took the mask off!

Punk: Ha. You guys are the best stable. But seriously, fatties. And I think that one guy is a member of the Minnesota Vikings.

Big Show: I am not! And look, dude, if anybody knows how much the WWE sucks, it’s Kane. But also Mark Henry. And probably me. And I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff in my time in WWE. But nothing will top this tiger tattoo on my arm. You want to make fun of me for being fat, fine. Whatever. Or make fun of me for pretending I was going to be a pro boxer. But this tattoo? It is my true shame. Ohhh yeah. Dig it!

Punk: You think that’s bad, have you seen most, if not all, of my tats?

So they argue about who’s ink is worse for a while, and Luke and Joey try to sneak attack Show, but he’s just too fat, and he belly bounces them both out of the ring. What did this have to do with RAW again?

(ads)

RAW 900 (plus 1) Highlight: January 9^th, 1995: King Kong Bundy vs. Gary Sabaugh the awesome set-up match for the Whippleman/Finkle main event. What a historic night!

Backst…Wait! That’s not backstage, that’s on the entrance ramp! Josh, get down off of there!

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with Sheamus, and Sheamus, I have to ask you, on this nearly historic night of television, what’s your favorite RAW moment?

Sheamus: Remember when I took out Triple H? Ha! That’s it.

Mathews: That was at a pay per view. Extreme Rules or something.

Sheamus: Oh. Then this is my favorite RAW moment.

Mathews: Aw, that’s sweet!

Edge: I’ve been on RAW a lot! Do you want to know what my favorite RAW moment is!

Mathews: The Brood beating up Public Enemy doesn’t count.

Edge: Aw…Well…

Mathews: That happened on Smackdown.

Edge: Can a girl get a salad here? Ok, well what about the Test and Stephanie wedding?

Mathews: How about not.

Sheamus: Test is dead, man. That angle killed him. Show some respect. Geez. What a fella.

(ads)

Edge, Sheamus, Chris Jer-

(ads)

Edge, Sheamus, Chris Jericho, Randy Orton, and John Cena vs. <The Nexus>
In an Elimination Match

Fed up with that last stupid, stupid commercial break, Chris Jericho leaves and is counted out. That’s His Move! Taking his cue from Jericho as always, Edge questions the parentage of WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-miiiiike Chioda, which is enough to get himself DQed. Jeeze, don’t be so thinned skinned, Mike. Even if your mother really was a giraffe. Cena tags in and then immediately tags back out so Sheamus can start kicking everybody in sight. Well, at least one heel is interested in staying in this match. But then, hilariously, Sheamus starts playing face in peril, even though everybody is happy that he’s in peril. Randy Orton would be a better choice to play Ricky Morton for about three hundred reasons. Heath Slater with the pin. Hey…sure. Why not. Put Heath in the Six Pack Challenge too! Cena immediately comes in, FUs Slater and pins him. Hahahahaha! John Cena is easily my favorite wrestler. Nexus swoops in and beats the crap out of Cena, while Randy stands in the corner looking bored. I think he’s sad he didn’t get interviewed. That and he knows that Cena’s going to be fine anyway.

David Otunga gets caught thinking of a way to bring up Jennifer Hudson, and gets rolled into an STFU. So Otunga’s out. We’re left with Tarver, Gabriel, and Wade with Cena and Orton. That nXt team is looking hella strong right now. As if to punctuate that fact, Justin Gabriel comes in and dominates John Cena and picks up the pin. Wait…That actually just happened. Justin Gabriel for RAW GM! He’s so excited he starts jumping around the ring and twists his ankle. Orton wins! Michael Tarver trips over his handkerchief somehow. Orton wins again! Orton’s slapping the mat at no one in particular, and totally misses himself getting hit by Wade Barrett’s move (That’s His Move!) for the win. Wade Barrett, the man who has represented everything about Monday Night RAW for the last 900 (and 1) Episodes.

Next Week: The Rock comes back to be a part of the historic 902^nd episode of Monday Night RAW. Chris Jericho and Edge fight each other, and somehow the match ends with Friar Ferguson wearing the WCW Television Title. And Sheamus totally asks WWE Diva Josh Mathews out on a date. OMG!