Last Week: We celebrated an entirely meaningless milestone by hammering home the point that there is another show. Also, John Cena got pinned by Justin Gabriel. Plus, Chris Jericho seems to be coming around to the realization that maybe this whole thing isn’t working out. Maybe he’ll do something about it…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

<The Nexus> is in the ring.

Video game heel turn!

David Otunga: Unfortunately, our brother Skip Sheffield was eaten by Alextraza, the Aspect of Life and could not be here tonight. And that traitor Darren Young rolled Alliance on our server and is talking smack about us behind our back. I’m so glad we kicked him out.

Michael Tarver: Mmt abvv mmt wm dd tm Thh Ummtll?

Otunga: The Undertaker is weak. What we did to him last week has never been done in the history of WWE!

Barrett: Err…We hit him with a couple finishers. I’m pretty sure that’s been done a billion times. Hell, Kane put him in the hospital for a couple months, all we did was make his corpse wrestle on Friday. That’s hardly a victory for us. But making Edge and Jericho quit. That was something.

Heath Slater: How about me pinning Sheamus, huh?

Justin Gabriel: Nobody cares about that. How about me pinning John Cena?! Sure he got up right after that and walked off, but how many people can say they delivered their finisher to John Cena and The Undertaker? In the same night?

Slater: Probably half a dozen. At least. Dude’s been in a lot of multi-man matches.

Barrett: And then I pinned Randy Orton. Look, these may not seem like big deals…in fact, they’re not. But you guys have to admit, we’re at least almost as impressive as a midcard stable as you’ve ever seen in WWE, right? I’d settle for, “pretty ok.”

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the ICP Girl’s Chocolatechip. Wayne Garrett….uh…The rest of <The Noxious> you guys come out here talkering about your Malyprops and Alexander. Well there’s only one thing this Legend Kill Guy knows about the Whirl of Womprat, and that’s that I’m going to kid your aspens all over at Note of Cinnabons in the Six Packed Challenge!

Michael Cole: I have a note here. Justin Gabriel will face John Cena and Wade Barrett will face Randy Orton, with the nXt banned from ringside, or my name isn’t-

Cole inhales and rubs his nipples.

Cole: The Mystery RAW General Manager.

Cole bites the air in front of him. To his credit, Justin Gabriel looks like he does not care about any match against John Cena. Too much effort to act afraid!

(ads)

Chris Jericho vs. John Morrison

Before the match, Cole says that the RAW GM e-mailed him during the break and since Jericho bailed on last week’s match, he’s fighting for his spot in the Syxx-Pac challenge here tonight. Now Can. You. Dig. That. SUUUUUUUCKAAAAA! It loses it’s effect when Cole does it though. For some reason, Jericho is still bitching when he finds out his opponent is John Morrison. Dude. It’s just Johnny Nitro. You got this. Jericho starts bitching to Cole about wondering who the GM is. You know, I’ve said it before, but only I am stupid and ballsy enough to book a John Morrison/Chris Jericho match that actually means something.

(ads)

So does Morrison get Jericho’s spot if he wins? Because that would be great. Nothing like John Morrison attempting to main even pay per views again! Jericho tries all his finishers, but none of them work as Morrison has become unstoppable in the past two minutes or so. It’s like the RAW GM knows what’s going to happen! Maybe it’s Sylvia Brown. Jericho actually manages to lock in the Walls, but Morrison hops out of that and misses his finisher at Jericho (That’s His Move!) for the win. Chris is beside himself after the match. Well…yeah. I would be too if I lost to John Morrison!

(ads)

And I quote:

Alicia Fox: Imma become the Undefined WWE Girl’s Champion and go down on History as the grapest diva in the WWE Unitard.

Alicia Fox vs. Melina
For the WWE Divas Title

Even Lawler and Cole are like, “We don’t know either, folks.” Maybe she should hook with Orton. You know, I’m going to miss the Barbie belt. It accessorizes so much better with my outfits than the Women’s title. Their outfits. I meant their outfits. If only there was some way I could go back and change that. Oh well. I’m just imagining how great it’s going to be when Melina wins the Undefined Women’s Title and breaks her knee again, and we don’t see girl’s wrestling for six months. It would certainly save us from matches like this one! Melina wins with a roll-up.

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with The Miz. And a big poster shaped covered object!

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with The Miz, and Miz, I have to ask you…and I don’t know how to put this…Did you pose for Playboy?

The Miz: What? No! What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Michael Cole: Just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager! It says, “What?”

Mathews: It’s just that…you know…covered poster. Usually only means one thing around here.

Miz: Josh, this is a PG-Rated show now! We can’t have any nudity around here. How dare you?

Mathews: Damn. There goes my idea for a Josh Mathews bikini calendar.

Austin: Can I get one of those before you trash the idea completely?

(ads)

Ever want to play poker against Vance Archer? Well too goddamn bad. You’re going to.

Backstage….

Edge: Nobody will be my friend! Even those kids from the Slim Jim commercial are too good for me these days. You know? And now I have to wrestle somebody for a spot in the Syxx-Pac Challenge.

Zack Ryder: Man. I hear you. I’ll woo sadly for you today. Woo Woo.

Edge: Who the hell are you anyway?

Ryder: Come on, man. Don’t you remember me? I was one of your Edgeheads!

Edge: Oh man! Curt Hawkins! I didn’t recognize you! How you doin’ buddy?

Ryder: Uh. No. The other one. Zack Ryder?

Edge: Oh. Well. That’s…disappointing.

Ryder: I want to have sex with your mom.

Edge: That’s great. Look, you’re super easy to beat. Will you have a match with me?

Ryder: Absolutely. That sounds pretty much exactly like something I would agree to and not be offended by. Hell, last week it got me a title match!

Edge: You hear that RAW GM? You better not be watching Empire Strikes Back right now! Oh, who am I kidding?

Elsewhere….

Ted DiBiase: No, the camera just came on in the middle of this conversation. I love you too. Yep. Yep. No, I can’t wait to see you again either. You know this is on national TV now, right? Faaaaantastic. No, I don’t think Maryse watches this show.

Maryse: No, but I am standing right next to you. Is this really where this angle is going right now? Another girlfriend thing already?

DiBiase: No. That was my mom.

Maryse: And this letter I got? Saying, “Ted, I am your secret lover. Let’s make out.”

DiBiase: That was…for my dad?

Maryse: What do you think of the new season of nXt?

DiBiase: I want to sleep with AJ.

Then Maryse starts yelling in French and Ted leaves, leaving her to yell at the camera man. That poor guy has nothing to do with any of this.

(ads)

Justin Gabriel vs. John Cena

You know what I love about the “Let’s Go Cena/Cena Sucks” chants these days? It’s the same people in the crowd doing both parts. It’s not split between the girls and boys any more. It’s like a little piece of the Impact Zone all to ourselves. The story of the match is Justin jumping around (even more shades of the Impact Zone!) while Cena stops him every couple seconds to punch him in the head. Cole and Lawler digress about Cena’s new movie, “Legendary” where he plays some kid’s big brother and Danny Glover is there for some reason. A limited number of theatres will have the “Privilege” of showing the movie. Well. It’s all tea and monocles for WWE Films! Cena with an FU for the win. Welp.

(ads)

Hey, everybody! Let’s look at The Miz!

The Miz: Hey, guys, I don’t know if you know this, but it’s been my dream ever since I was a baby in 2002 to appear on the cover of WWE Magazine. Also WWF Magazine since 1984. I could hold a panda. Anyway, now my day in the sun has finally arrived! I’m joining such luminaries as Kamala, Shawn Michaels, and The Beverly Brothers as covermen for this historic magazine.

That is not a very good picture of Miz. Sorry, dude.

Miz: You know it’s been a crazy ride to this point. From cutting promos on The Real World to losing to whoever Daniel Puder was at Tough Enough to doing literally nothing on Smackdown to being in the fake Miz and Morrison tag team, and now I’m the United States champion. Which isn’t much of an accomplishment, but hey. Whatever. If you don’t count Morrison I’m pretty much the only good thing ever to come out of Tough Enough so shut up.

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Daniel Bryan: Hi. You know, Miz. In 1984, when WWF Magazine was first published, I’d already wrestled 10 years in the Indies and Japan. So believe me when I tell you that I don’t know why my promo skills haven’t gotten any better either. But here’s the thing, I’m still probably the best wrestler in the company, Big Show excluded of course-

Miz: Of course.

Bryan: So how about you and I have ourselves a match at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Night of Champions for that U.S. Title? Maybe then I’ll actually be able to get some real music and afford to buy a razor so I can shave this neck beard I’ve been growing.

Miz: Wrestle some dude who never wins any matches with literally no cost to myself since nobody cares about the U.S. Title and I already have money in the bank? Sounds like a winning proposition to me!

Then Alex Riley comes out of the crowd to try to lay out Bryan, but Dan locks him in the Crossface instead. Oh great. Way to get fired again, Danielson. Geez. Wasn’t Alex Riley supposed to be the leader of nXt Black and Blue over on Smackdown? KaVal isn’t going to get himself over! Miz is furious as he runs off to cry, and Bryan stands up and excitedly gently nudges the poster onto the ground while Michael Cole vomits in the background. Oh, Michael.

Backstage, Edge is trying to find out what happened to Hawkins.

(ads)

Edge vs. The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff)

Edge is disappointed that the RAW GM didn’t watch the segment where he wanted to fight whoever Zack Ryder is. Woo Woo. Edge threatens to throw Cole’s Macbook into the crowd, but Lawler and Cole both tell him “Don’t do it!” Yeah. I mean…anything but the computer! How would the RAW GM let us know what crappy things he has planned for tonight if he didn’t…Oh. Cole says he has e-mails on his phone now, so he could just use that instead. Well then. Great. Khali is trying to teach Cole how to use a Blackberry and gets counted out. Cole’s phone immediately restarts the match. That’s not fair. Mine just costs too much and drops calls all the time.

(ads)

Edge vs. The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff)
In an Over the Top Rope Challenge

Khali immediately jumps over the top rope to do his entrance again, and Michael Cole freaks the hell out. Like, literally loses his mind about how stupid Khali is and how he can’t believe Edge just won the match that easily. Like…has Michael Cole ever watched wrestling before? Sure enough, the match isn’t over because Khali wasn’t, you know, thrown over the top rope. Khali gets back into the ring while Cole is still shivering with glee over his misunderstanding of the very concept of the rules of the sport he’s supposed to be commentating on, and Edge throws him over the top for the win.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh is standing by with Chris Jericho.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho, and Chris, remember when you said that if you didn’t win the WWE Spinnin’ Title at Night of Champions that you’d quit WWE again? Remember that?

Chris Jericho: ….

Mathrews: Well now you’re not even in the title match! How is that going to work?

Jericho: ….

Mathews: Well, best of luck in your future endeavors. And where the hell did you get this couch?

Jericho: ….

John Morrison: It’s my couch, Josh. Chris, I’m sorry you’re so terrible. I mean, you lost to me. Even I know that can’t feel good. Well…at least you have Downfall to fall back on.

Mathews: Actually, that got cancelled.

Morrison: Well, there’s always Fozzy.

Mathews: Ahahahahahahaha!

Morrison: Hahahahaha. Just kidding, bro. You can stay on this couch though. I don’t like it.

Jericho: …sigh….

(ads)

Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton

Cena, Edge, and Sheamus are all out on commentary, having replaced Michael Cole who is running around backstage trying to explain his Great Khali joke to everyone. It’s really nice to see that they found a spot on the show for Sheamus. Seeing as how he’s the champion and all. He wastes no time calling everybody at ringside “Fella.” That’s His Move! Cena and Edge pretty much spend the entire match complimenting The Legal Eagle’s hair. Well, they would know. Pretty generic match until Darren Young shows up on the ramp.

Darren Young: I’m the Missing Link!

Then he rubs green paint all over his face and starts running around the ring. Barrett falls over in horror. Orton wins! The paint is in Young’s eyes, and he falls over. Orton wins again! Edge comes in and slips on the paint. Orton wins again again! Sheamus goes up for a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) but trips over Wade Barrett’s hair. Orton wins again again again! John Cena…leaves.

Next Week: Sheamus fails to appear on the show until the final ten seconds during which he reveals that he is also The Missing Link. Michael Cole flips out and declares that nobody can win any match ever because wrestling is stupid. And <The Nexus> gets fallout from their decisions when Ysera, queen of the Green Dragonflight, bites off all their heads.