Last Week: Sheamus was a great commentator and apparently is a champion of some sort. Also, Randy Orton was either directly or indirectly responsible for a lot of people falling over. And <The Nexus> managed to turn even heelier than they were before.

Backstage, Randy Orton, John Cena, and WWE Diva Josh Mathews are standing by with Cheatum.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, John Cena, and Cheatum, the Evil Midget. Cheatum, I have to ask you, what are we doing with this big wheel?

Cheatum: Spin the Wheel! Make the Deal!

Mathews: What…deal?

Cheatum: Spin the Wheel. Make the Deal.

John Cena: I think that’s as far as you’re getting, Josh.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the OVW Girl’s Chocolatechip. Cheetos, spin the wheel and make the meal!

Tonight it will be John Cena and Randy Orton in a…tables match.

Cena: At least it didn’t land on Iron Man Match. The world couldn’t take another one.

Eve Torres: Hey, guys. What’s going on here?

Cheatum: Spin the wheel! Make the deal!

Eve: Ugh. Nobody told me my ex was going to be here!

Mathews: Wait…you and Cheatum?!

Orton: Why art thou still even here?

Now, in the ring, here is the new owner of RAW Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco. This isn’t helping my fantasy team, Chad.

Chad Ochocinco: Child, please! You all know how much money I like to waste. Buying Monday Night RAW was a no brainer, just like dancing in the end zone until I get a $25,000 fine!

The Miz: Ok. Stop right there. I thought we were done with having celebrities own RAW. And I use that term lightly, because really? The Bengals? I mean, sure, you guys did ok last year, but did you watch that game yesterday? Awful.

Ochocinco: I made more money yesterday than you will this year, and I only work 16 weeks a year.

Miz: At least I was never on Dancing with the Stars. Although that fact kind of shocks me. And Carson Palmer is a terrible Quarterback now and having to constantly look for you and Terrell Owens on every play is going to drive him into early retirement.

Ochocinco: Your hats make you look dumpy.

Miz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!

Ochocinco: Now here’s a tiny man with a message.

Cheatum: Spin the Wheel! Make the Deal!

Alicia Fox spins the wheel and it lands on Bra and Panties match. Huzzah!

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Alex Riley (w/ The Miz) vs. Daniel Bryan
In a Bra and Panties Match

Miz bails on the match to start because he doesn’t have a bra on. How embarrassing! This is a PG show now, Miz! Ochocinco pretends like he knows who Daniel Bryan is and then bails. I think Alex Riley should’ve been in the Mean Street Posse. Somebody invent a time machine so we can make this happen. Riley gets Bryan in a CHINLOCK~!, but Daniel Bryan invokes his super power of being able to only beat guys off of NXT, so he reverses it into a Crossface for the win. Really tempting fate there, Captain Neckbeard. After the match, Miz comes back down to bitch about it, and gets locked in a Crossface himself.

Backstage, Edge and Jillian Hall are spinning Cheatum around and singing the Flo Rida/Ke$ha version of “Right Round.” Not the version I would’ve picked, but maybe if Jillian started wearing a ton of glitter on her face and hiding in dark rooms we’d be getting somewhere.

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Edge vs. Evan Bourne
In a Coal Miner’s Glove Match

Oh. My. God. YES! Seeing Edge take on Evan Bourne in a Coal Miner’s Glove Match has been pretty much my dream ever since I started writing wrestling columns in 2002. So…before Evan Bourne had ever appeared on TV. I’m psychic. To be fair, it goes the other way too. I predicted the entire career of Kevin Thorne. Unfortunately, Bourne can’t lift his glove, and Edge just taps him on the head for the win. Edge is ready to mine some coal. Or Mike some Cole.

Michael Cole: Just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager! He says, “I want another MATCH!”

Edge vs. Mark Henry
In a Coal Miner’s Glove Match

Oh no! This is basically an admission that Evan Bourne is a terrible loser again! How far his career has fallen since he was losing to Sheamus. To now where he’s losing to…Edge. Look, whatever. I had a point there, I swear. Mark Henry doesn’t have any trouble with the glove, and he slips it on and punches Edge in the face for the win. They should have a Coal Miner’s Glove PPV. Why hasn’t anyone gotten on that? TNA, I’m looking at you. It’s not like any of your other PPVs are any good.

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Ted DiBiase and Maryse vs. R-Truth and Eve Torres
In a Rap Battle

Well…This isn’t fair. Clearly DiBiase has the edge, because the other guy’s R-Truth.

R-Truth:

What’s up?
What’s up?
I’m lookin’ at a match
What’s up?
You better believe a Bananarama in your pants,
What’s up?
Ted DiBiase?
Maryse is too costly!
Hlmgldyldyl song and dance!
What’s up?!

Eve Torres: Er…you tell him, Truth! Tell him…whatever it is you just said!

Truth: What’s up!

Ted DiBiase:

You are R-Truth,
I’ll punch your tooth,
It’s useless to try to fight us,
You might have gingivitis.
I…uh…like money?
It isn’t that funny,
I am a wrestle man,
I would…like some…flan.
This is my rap thing,
Right here in the ring,
Maryse take it away,
I’ve run out of things to say.

Maryse:

What’s up bitches and hoes?
We’ll see how this rap goes.
I’m about to throw a wrench,
Check it as I rap in French.

And then she raps in French. Then everybody just stands around and looks uncomfortable, because…how does somebody win a rap battle with no judge? Then Truth kicks Ted in the face and dances off, so I guess he won. Good for him!

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Backstage….

Chad Ochocinco: Spin that wheel and make that deal, little man!

Cheatum: Spin the wheel! Make the deal!

And it lands on…Lose A Turn. Aw.

William Regal: Step aside, little man. You lost your chance.

Regal spins the wheeel and it lands on “Dress Like Your Opponent.”

Ochocinco: Child please! You’ve got to wrestle and dress like Goldust! Whoever that is! Here’s a thousand dollars.

Regal: Um…ok?

Goldust: Looking forward to it, buddy! I haven’t worn my “William Regal” costume since last Halloween!

Sheamus: Fella, I want to spin this here wheel. What’ve you got for me.

Ochocinco: A match against John Morrison. And if he wins then he gets Chris Jericho’s spot in that Syxx-Pac challenge match.

Sheamus: And what do I get if I win?

Ochocinco: This autographed Chad Hachigo jersey.

The Bella Twins spin the wheel and make the deal. And it lands on…Judy Bagwell on a Pole!

Sheamus: Fella…This is the stupidest thing I have ever been a part of. And I was in the New Old ECW. I’m so glad the Patriots beat you guys yesterday. Tom Brady is so dreamy.

Ochocinco: Yeah. I can’t stay mad at that guy. I just want to wash his hair.

Sheamus: Your name doesn’t make any sense.

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Backstage….

Edge: What do you want, Not Curt Hawkins?

Zack Ryder: To get on TV, and basically the only way I’m going to get any time is if I keep hanging out with you. Hey, you know what would be hilarious? If Lita was the RAW GM! Forcing you into stupid matches and to hang out with me is her revenge for making her hang out with Abe Orton.

Edge: Oh man! It all makes sense now! RAW GM! If you can hear me, I’m really sorry for all that stuff. Now come back and have sex with me!

Ryder: You’re really going to regret that if it’s actually Kamala.

Sheamus: I couldn’t help but overhear this conversation from my position two steps away off camera. Edge, you’re a total fella. I hope the RAW General Manager is Lita, because she would totally dig a pale redheaded guy.

Edge: Aw man! You’re probably right. This is the worst thing.

Elsewhere, John Morrison is staring dreamily at a picture of Judy Bagwell.

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John Morrison vs. Sheamus
In a Judy Bagwell on a Pole Match

Judy looks just as thrilled as ever to be a part of some wrestling action. Holy crap. Did you know that Buff is married to a woman named Judy? That’s…creepy. Maybe not creepy but…weird. I wonder if this Judy misses Kanyon? Sheamus goes to retrieve Judy, but just ends up calling her “Fella” instead. Morrison just can’t bring himself to climb up the top rope for fear that his brain might revolt and he might end up missing Starship Pain at Judy. He’s such a gentleman! Finally, Chris Jericho walks out, gets really depressed at all the stupidity happening in this segment, and unties Mrs. Bagwell. Jericho wins! I guess!

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Jericho hasn’t moved from the top rope, gripping onto the pole like it’s the last buoyant part of a sinking ship.

Chris Jericho: That’s it. I simply cannot take this any more. I refuse to live in a world where our champion is a translucent orange man. I refuse to live in a world where Zack Ryder is getting TV time and Edge doesn’t have any friends. I refuse to live in a world where a bunch of guys can come off the street, play World of Warcraft, and suddenly be main eventing PPVs! I refuse to live in a world where I literally don’t know who I’m working for. That DOES NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE UNLESS WE ARE SECRET AGENTS! And this is not best selling WWE Novel Big Apple Takedown, ok? And I am not Torrie Wilson. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever been a part of and I was in WCW. How quickly we forget that wrestling is supposed to be serious business. I quit. I can’t hang onto this death trap anymore.

Michael Cole: E-mail from the RAW General Manager! It says-

Jericho: Random wrestler catchphrase! An offer to try to get me to stay because my DVD is coming out soon! Stupid gimmick match with an even stupider stipulation!

Cole: I just got another-

Jericho: E-mail from the RAW GM! I know, I know. This one says “How dare you impugn the credibility of your boss?” or something stupid like that. And it contains a vague threat about my future in WWE even though I basically said that I don’t care because this is all stupid.

Cole: I-

Jericho: An insane e-mail accusing me of having read the script ahead of time, ignoring the fact that firstly, of course I did, and secondly that’s unbelievably fast response time for anyone who is actually e-mailing while watching the show, proving that the RAW GM is either you, a rouge AI, or a psychic. This is stupid, go sit down Michael, you’re ruining the show.

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The Hart Dynasty (w/ Natalya) vs. Chris Jericho
In a Stupid Gimmick Match with an Even Stupider Stipulation

I can’t believe they fit all that onto the wheel. Or that it actually landed on it when Cheatum spun it. The stupid gimmick? Cage match. The stupider stipulation? If Jericho wins, he’s back in the Syxx-Pac Challenge. If he loses? Back to touring with Fozzy. The Muppet, not the band. Jericho is still in his suit by the way. I think he was betting on a Tuxedo match. The Canadian Bulldog escapes ten seconds into the match. The Hart Dynasty wins! Right? No? It’s like a…reverse Handicap match? How does that even work? Tyson Kidd is completely baffled by this turn of events and entirely misses himself getting locked in the Walls. Jericho wins. He doesn’t even bother celebrating. He just looks vaguely disappointed.

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William Regal vs. Goldust
In a Dress Like Your Opponent Match

Regal is actually enjoying himself because we know exactly two things about William Regal from these types of matches. One, he’s jealous of Vladmair Koslov’s sitcom potential. Two, he’s a closet drag queen. Rubbing his nipples and wearing a wig is just second nature to this guy. Goldust comes out dressed in a cape and fangs with a half ton of glitter dumped on his abdomen. Isn’t that only supposed to happen in the sunlight? Or maybe he forgot and thought he was wrestling Morrison. Either way. Regal starts the match by molesting himself, and Goldust nails him in the face with the brass knuckles for the win. That’s The Other Guy’s Move! I don’t get it though, because if this was also an “Act Like Your Opponent” match, shouldn’t they both have lost?

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Randy Orton vs. John Cena
In a Tables Match

Chad Ochocinco is at ringside, furiously Tweeting about Monday Night Football and not even paying attention to the show. He Tweets pretty fast…maybe he’s the RAW General Manager. Except I don’t think Cole knows what Twitter is. Hell he was awestruck in wonder at the presence of a Blackberry last week and nobody’s used those since 2007 . Orton and Cena both set up tables in their respective corners, and then lay out intricate table settings on them. I don’t think they quite grasp the concept of this match. Or maybe people have been doing it wrong all these years.

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When we come back, the guys are trading blows until <The Nexus> comes out. It took them this long? They’re the new Sheamus. Cena and Orton divide up and take them out, but Barrett breaks through and gets thrown into a table by Orton. Thanks for coming out tonight, guys! Jericho wanders out and rolls his eyes at the match, and accidentally bumps Jericho through a table. Then he decides that he had no idea why he was out there in the first place. Sheamus comes out and goes for a Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!), but Cena dodges it and tosses him. I think Ochocinco died. I haven’t seen that guy since the (ads). Cena and Orton are the last men standing again, but both are so exhausted that they fall over through a table. How do you call it? Well…They did fall over. Orton wins!

Sunday Night: Wade Barrett does not win a thrilling Syxx-Pac Challenge. Also, some girl wins a girl’s title. Also, The Miz and Daniel Bryan square off in an epic duel of two guys who will never be taken seriously as main eventers.