Last Night: Randy Orton shocked the world with a taser. Also, the Hart Dynasty lost their tag titles to two girls. And speaking of girls…I didn’t pay any attention. Was there a Women’s Title match? Maybe I’ll find out…TONIGHT!

Hopefully not though.

(Opening Credits)

Here’s your new champion. Look on and despair!
 

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and NEW holster of the NEW Girl’s Cho-

Sheamus: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, Fella. You’re some guy who makes people fall over and caries around my WWE Spinnin’ title. Congratulations, you are, for some reason, the least horrible choice to hold the WWE title right now. May the Great Fella in the Sky have mercy on us all.
 

Orton: Shameless, thanks to your accent I have no ideals what you just said. But let me assuage you, come help or high walker I will beat you and keep this Spurnin’ Title! You’ve have never pinned me, and you can’t win any matchers without <The Necklace>‘s help.

Sheamus: Yeah! Well…I have…a Bicycle Kick. It’s the finisher of champions.

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager. The next Pay Per View is Hell in a Cell themed. So…there you go. And that’s not just the coolest. That’s not just the best. That’s just an e-mail from the RAW General Manager.

Sheamus: Even I have to admit this booking doesn’t make any sense. Well…whatever keeps Triple H sitting in his office, I guess. So…can I have the title?

Orton: What’s the magnetic word?

Sheamus: Pretty please? With sugar on top?

Orton: Shameless, I would push my grand moff down the stairs to keep the typo. And I would push your grand moff down the stairs, because old Impish ladies are weird.

Sheamus gets confused, then a little dizzy, then he passes out. Orton wins! He literally promoed Sheamus to death. Somewhere, Hunter is really pissed that he didn’t think of that first. Though Orton still would’ve won in that scenario, Hunter wouldn’t be stuck babysitting Aurora Borealis and Murphy Brown. Orton sort of stands around for a while and Sheamus leaves. Segment of the night so far.

(ads)

Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov vs. Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

I’ll admit that I sort of miss Cody, but I have absolutely no desire to find out what Drew McIntyre is all about, except that he’s a big guy and Tiffany beat him up. Which is hilarious and damning. Sorry, Drew. The Hart Dynasty spend the entire match sitting at the announce table breathing heavily into their mics while Michael Cole makes fun of them for being such boring losers. Guys, Michael Cole is making fun of you, and he has a point. It’s time to pack it in. Cole just won’t shut the hell up, however, so I totally missed the end of the match thanks to the aneurism he gave me. I think the domestic abusee won.

Backstage, John Morrison is daydreaming about guest starring with his brother on Glee. Team Brittany!

(ads)

Backstage….

Edge: -and that’s why I’ll never buy cake batter from Best Buy ever again.

Zack Ryder: Bro, I’m hanging on every word here. I’m so glad that we’re going to be best friends again! I can’t wait to grow my hair out and buy some new pleather pants. Woo Woo!

Edge: No! No no no no no no no. Nooooo! No. No you can’t. How much are you paying this camera guy to follow you around and start filming every time we run into each other backstage, anyway?

Daniel Bryan: Not as much as you might think. Look, nobody’s going to take me seriously as a wrestler here. I get it. So Zack gives me a hundred bucks a night to just start filming any time you are even in the same room together. I have, like, thirteen hours of you guys sitting on opposite ends of cafeterias.

Ryder: That’s brilliant footage, bro. Just like two best friends me and Edge.

Edge: Aren’t you the United States champion now, Daniel? I mean…that’s something right?

Bryan: Listen to yourself, man. The United States Title. That and a dollar will get me a hamburger at McDonalds.

Edge: Hey, I think I have a way to solve both our problems. I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you hang out with me tonight. Away from this weirdo.

Bryan: Deal. Sorry, Zack.

Ryder: No worries! I’m going to go with Morrison and appear on Glee! Look at me! I’ve got an L on my head! Woo Woo! I’m going to be Quinn!

Bryan: But-

Edge: Just let it go.

Chris Jericho vs. John Morrison

Ever since Michael Cole went completely insane, he’s been much more fun on commentary. I mean, he still can’t call a match to save his life, but he’s offering such useful insights as, “You know, King, John Morrison fell off a building once,” completely normally. He doesn’t really get around to mentioning that, you know, Jericho technically quit last night and shouldn’t even be in this match but that’s pretty much semantics, right? I need desperately to know that IRS learned to swim when he was six, but is still deathly afraid of arm floaties.

(ads)

Oh. I guess Chris didn’t quit. That statement from Jerry Lawler, who is shockingly the only one actually paying attention to anything in this match. That’s sort of depressing. This match makes me miss the insightful commentary of Tony Schiavone and Don West. Actually, you know who knew how to pay attention to a match and entertain. I am speaking, of course, about Stevie Ray. No yaks in this match though, so Morrison hits his move (!) for the win. That’s his move! Jericho just looks bored now.

(ads)

Backstage, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with John Cena.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, you have to be disappointed in not winning the WWE Spinnin’ Title. After all, the only reason we have that ridiculous piece of junk is because of you.

John Cena: Josh, that’s not really a question. Can you ask that in the form of a question?

Mathews: No.

Cena: Do you want to hear about my Fantasy Football team?

Mathews: Not really, John.

Cena: What’s your opinion on Wade Barrett?

Mathews: He really does look like an eagle.

Cena: Thanks for the interview, Josh. Now we’ll send it down to ringside with Michael and Jerry. Guys?

Mathews: Hey!

In the ring….

The Miz: So, I guess I lost my WWE United States Title to some guy from the Internet. I think it was the “Double Rainbow” guy. I don’t know. But in my defense, I was really hung over, and then I had a really big breakfast. So of course I wasn’t ready to have a match. Next time though, I won’t start drinking until noon. That’ll show him.

(ads)

Edge vs. Daniel Bryan
For the WWE United States Title

Ride of the Valkyries! Hahaha! They have no idea what to do with Daniel Bryan. Michael Cole is just moaning into the microphone now. I’d be more interested in this routine if Foley and Tazz hadn’t already mastered it on Smackdown and iMPACT! respectively. Miz is a bit more effective on commentary, essentially explaining why Alex Riley was the only one outside of Kaval to get a WWE contract, and then ripping on G-Rilla for an hour. Edge goes for the Spear, but it’s blocked, but Alex Riley and Miz converge to get Bryan Speared. Edge wins a midcard title! After the match, Michael Cole starts screaming and slapping his belly, which WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan takes as an e-mail from RAW General Manager Kamala to reverse the decision and award the match to Bryan on account of his lovable loserness. Miz and Riley continue their beat down of Danielson unabated. That’s nice.

(ads)

Melina vs. Layla El (w/ Michelle McCool)
For the WWE Undefined Diva’s Title

They kept the Divas title? Oh My Fella. This is what happens when you give Triple H is own office, people. Technically does this mean that Kaval can appear on both shows now? Whatever. I guess at least I found out what happened to the Women’s Division. Yay? Surprisingly, Melina has not exploded yet. But just keep watching. That’s going to make the women’s division at least a little exciting. What new injury will she get this year?! Michelle has offered nothing on commentary except weird vocal frowns, but she’s still more involved than Cole. Layla hits some spinning flippy thing for the win. I don’t know if that’s her move or not.

(ads)

Backstage, Wade Barrett is doing an awesome impersonation of Linda McMahon. Elsewhere, WWE Diva Josh Mathews is standing by with Chris Jericho.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: WWE Diva Josh Mathews here and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho. And Chris, I have to ask you…didn’t you quit?

Chris Jericho: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Mathews: You stood right there last week and said that you were going to quit if you lost at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Night of Champions, and…then you lost.

Jericho: Does it look like I quit, Josh?

Mathews: Well…no.

Jericho: Would a guy who has a DVD coming out really quit here before promoting it to high heaven and making as much money off it as humanly possible?

Mathews: I know I wouldn’t.

Jericho: There will never be a Josh Mathews DVD. So do you know anything about computers? IP addresses? The Interwebs?

Mathews: A little.

Jericho: Let’s try to track down the RAW GM together in a collection of hilarious segments, ok?

Mathews: That sounds like something I would do.

Randy Orton: Hey, John and Chad. It is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and concurrent holster of the MIA Girl’s Chocolatechip.

Jericho: Randy, I’m not doing anything next week. Do you want to have a match?

Orton: That sounds like summer things I would dude.

Jericho: Josh, Randy, thank you for your time. Stay tuned for more Monday Night RAW.

Mathews: HEY! Quit doing that!

(ads)

R-Truth and Eve Torres vs. Ted DiBiase and Maryse

In a rematch from last week for some reason. Ok. So, apparently the Bananarama in R-Truth’s pants wasn’t PG enough for the WWE Universe anymore, so now Truth has a new theme. Let me transcribe some of this for you.

Get Crunk!
Get Crunk!
You can’t handle The Truth!
Where my sandals at?

The Cat is on the loose!
I’m coming through,
No hesitation of steppin’ up to the mezzanine!

Crowd: What’s Up?

Michael Cole: I have no idea what’s going on here, King.

Really, talking about getting wasted in the club is probably better than making euphemisms for your penis. What’s up. DiBiase has a terrible new theme too, because it’s terrible new theme night on Monday Night RAW. Eve hits her move (That’s Her Move!) for the win. After the match, Ted and Maryse argue over his terrible new theme and “I Will Have You” appears on the Titan Tron. Aw. The RAW General Manager loves them anyway.

(ads)

The Indianapolis Colts are here instead of watching Monday Night Football. Get your heads in the game, you guys!

John Cena vs. <The Nexus>

John Cena agrees to face all of nXt rather than just Barrett. Because he wants to break a sweat here tonight. Wade Barrett presents this as both an option and a threat, for some reason, which is funny because really it’s…neither. Heath Slater walks down to the ring, gets into position to take an Attitude Adjustment, and then gets pinned. Well…They can’t all be winners. David Otunga is next down to the ring. How has Jennifer Hudson not been on RAW yet? What good is having you around, David?

(ads)

Coming out of the break, Cena rolls up Otunga for another win. That wasn’t even His Move, David. Geez. Michael Tarver comes running out and trips over Otunga and into an STF, tapping out about three seconds later. Justin Gabriel is out now, and at this point, Cena looks more bored than tired. Gabriel uses this to his advantage by backflipping around the ring and occasionally poking Cena. Finally, John goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but the rest of nXt has used Gabriel’s distraction to surround the ring and they attack. WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiiike Chioda calls for the DQ. Which doesn’t make sense in a gauntlet match, but I’m willing to roll with it. Whatever.

John Cena: Wai-wai-wai-wait. I never got to wrestle Wade Barrett.

Wade Barrett: And you never will! They don’t call me the Legal Eagle for nothing! I escaped your clutches again!

Cena: Actually, don’t we call you the Legal Eagle for nothing?

Barrett: Yes. Well. Whatever. Listen, I have a deal for you. We’ll have a match at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Hell in a Cell-

Cena: Whatever type of match shall we have?

Barrett: -and if I win, you have to open a World of Warcraft account and join <The Nexus>>

Cena: Fine. But if I win then this stupid storyline ends so I can go back to feuding with Randy Orton and Sheamus every week, and you guys are busted back down to working in front of five people in Florida with G-Rilla.

Barrett: Deal!

Next Week: <The Nexus> starts clearing out their Guild Bank in time for their inevitable disbanding. Also, Chris Jericho looks on the Internet to see if any Newz Boards know who the General Manager is. And everybody gets new music!