Last Week: John Cena learned that being Wade Barrett’s manservant wasn’t all that bad, because it allowed him to do what he does best, be a horrible jerk. Speaking of Wade, won a number one contendership to lose to Randy Orton at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Night of Champions. And Johnny Knoxville bought the show for some reason. Maybe he will sell it to somebody I care about. TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)
 

Here’s John Cena, out to whine.

Which is what I would do anyway, but now I can just say, “Oh nXt!” and shake my fist at some unseen enemy. Quite frankly, between you and me and these cameras, this is the best day of my life.

The Miz: John, I have to admit, that sounds pretty awesome. At what point can Alex and I join nXt?

Cena: Never! That’s the brilliant thing. It doesn’t make any sense for me to be in <The Nexus> how would we write off you joining?

Alex Riley: I actually was on nXt…Season-

Cena: Nobody cares.

Miz: I guess I’ll just have to get my kicks being the captain of Team RAW at WWE RAW Presents WWE Smackdown Presents WWE nXt Presents WWE Bragging Rights.

Cena: You?! Really? That’s horrible. RAW is so going to lose now. How in the hell did you get the job?

Miz: Nobody else volunteered.

Cena: Too bad I’m on Team nXt or I could be the captain of the sinking RAW ship.

Miz: Would you?! Oh man. Hold on, I’ll go get the monochromed jacket. I’ll just be a second. Oh this is going to be great.

Cena: Er…Still no.

Miz: Well that sucks. Now who the hell will I blame when we lose? The only captaining experience I have is when I was captain of team Real World in Real World/Road Rules Challenge 7: Peach Beach where I-

Alex: Oh, here he goes again with his Real World/Road Rules Challenge stories again.

Wade Barrett: Sorry, Miz. You’re stuck as Captain RAW. John here is going to be busy doing whatever I tell him to do during the show.

Cena: I know. Isn’t it awesome?! Do you want me to give WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan a swirlie?

Barrett: Wha…No! Hey, I’m supposed to be coming up with the punishments here. I just want you to be my valet when I take on Randy Orton.

Alex: Yeah, you tell him, Wade! Hey, can I join <The Nexus>? I was on nXt Sea-

Barrett: No. And I don’t care if you were on Girl nXt.

Michael Cole: I got an e-mail from the RAW GM just now, but I’m not going to read it.

Miz: Does anybody know or care that I still have the Money in the Bank briefcase and will likely win the WWE title at some time in the future?

Barrett: Hahaha. Nope.

Riley and Miz attack Barrett for his insubordination towards the captain of Team RAW, while Cena reads the comics. Oh that Marmaduke! Will he ever learn? Barrett finally turns around and bitches at Cena, so John rolls the paper up and whaps Miz and Riley until they leave the ring. Barrett’s reeeeeally pissed until he catches a glimpse of today’s Garfield. A cat? Eating lasagna?! How can you stay mad?

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Ted DiBiase (w/ Maryse) vs. R-Truth (w/ Eve Torres)
For a Spot on Team RAW

Maryse doesn’t exactly look ready to Get Crunk. I figured out of everybody in this match, she’d be the one. Even Eve doesn’t look like she’s going to Get Crunk any time soon. Truth does the entire song, which is both horrid and awesome. DiBaise beats the crap out of Truth for a while until Goldust shows up on stage with Aksana, aka the girl from Girl nXt nobody cares about and they’ve got the Million Dollar Belt. Somewhere, Dusty is very smug. DiBiase is so distracted by the fact that WWE actually remembered that he was feuding with Goldust, that he completely misses Truth rolling him up for the win. Then Truth dances his way up the ramp. Does he even remember that he was on Team Smackdown last year?

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John Morrison vs. Tyson Kidd
For a Spot on Team RAW

Hilariously, Kidd is super pissed off because David Hart Smith was supposed to be in this match too, but he no-showed. So…Tyson is upset that he has a better chance of appearing on the PPV? Not that he’s going to win the match or anything. He’s way out of his league here. And given that he’s fighting John Morrison, that’s pretty sad. Maybe he was thinking he could steal a win off of the poor Canadian Bulldog. Morrison with some kind of neck breaker, which isn’t even His Move, but whatever. It’s Tyson Kidd for Pete’s sake. Morrison wins. Miz is sitting somewhere crying.

Backstage…

Justin Gabriel: What do you two want?

Husky Harris: Our real names back.

Michael McGillicutty: And also to join nXt maybe. We heard what you’re doing for John Cena, and we’re willing to play World of Warcraft if it means getting to be huge jerks to everyone we meet.

Heath Slater: Are you prepared to download a 4.5 gigabyte patch? Are you?!

Harris: Are…are you coming on to me?

David Otunga: Of course he’s not! And I sleep with Jennifer Hudson every night!

Harris: I don’t see how that-

Wade Barrett: I’ll take it from here, David. Guys, you are both terrible. Leave us alone.

McGillicutty: Aw!

Barrett: David, I want you to take on Randy Orton tonight. You’re the biggest guy we have other than me, and certainly that means something. Maybe.

Otunga: Err…I can’t. I have…a thing. To do. Why don’t you just have Justin do it? He’s got the 450 splash. Certainly Orton won’t be prepared for the only move Justin can do!

Barrett: Fine. Whatever. I don’t really care so long as it isn’t me. I’m going to go back to our locker room and take a nap.

Barrett yawns sleepily and leaves.

Otunga: Jokes on him, man. I don’t have anything to do tonight.

Gabriel: Hey!

Otunga: Oh, shut up. Heath and I will be in your corner.

Gabriel: Oh yes, that makes me feel much better. Thanks a lot.

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Santino Marella (w/ Vladamir Kozlov) vs. Zack Ryder
For a Spot on Team RAW

Ah yes. I see Team RAW is taking this Bragging Rights thing seriously. I’m pretty sure Big Show is going to beat them all by himself. He will be Team Smackdown. And team nXt will be Alexis Laree, Naked Internet Girl with the Big Thighs, and, for some reason, G-Rilla. And they’ll still be better than Team RAW. Poor Vlad has no idea how to properly valet, so he just stops halfway down the entrance ramp and grimaces. And he’s there like that for the whole match. Santino wins with the Cobra. That’s His Move! Well, of course. Afterwards, Tamina comes out and tries to kill Santino because she wuvs him sooooo much!

Backstage, Randy Orton makes a mental note to call Brett Favre and get Jenn Sterger’s number.

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Justin Gabriel (w/ David Otunga and Heath Slater) vs. Randy Orton

Gabriel does some backflips while Orton stands in the corner and pouts. Let’s all quietly reminisce about the time when Orton was considered a high flyer because he could do a body press, and then he shattered his arm a million times. Yeah. Otunga looks at Orton funny, and that’s enough for WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan to send them packing. Slater is really pissed because he wasn’t even looking at Orton! I think Doan just got wind of the whole swirlie thing <The Nexus> had planned. Otunga tries to be upset over not really having to work tonight, but his heart just isn’t in it.

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Without his mates, Gabriel does surprisingly well. He fights his way out of a CHINLOCK~! and then keeps dodging Orton’s punches like Little Mac from Punchout. Which would make Vladamir Kozlov Soda Popinski, I guess. Gabriel’s offense for the rest of the match, however, consists of missing His Move at Orton and then falling over. Orton wins! Orton sort of sells that his shoulder got hurt, but then he forgets, and then he sort of frowns a little, which is kind of like selling. For him, anyway.

Backstage, Sheamus is trying really hard not to call a box of Wheat Thins “Fella.” He fails.

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Do you want to see Big Show in his underoos? What if I told you that Jan from The Office is also there? Still no? Welp. I did what I could, WWE Films.

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
For a Spot on Team RAW

Michael Cole simply cannot wait to point out how useless Daniel Bryan is. “What happened when he joined Team RAW when they took on <The Nexus> at Summerfest?!” Er…They won? Thanks in large part to Daniel Bryan? Hey, maybe if he had real theme music. Apparently, Dan is from Seattle, which explains why the crowd has heard of him. It’s the CM Punk in Chicago effect. Bryan gets a shocking amount of offense in to start, but Sheamus pulls out the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!) at the last minute for the win. Sheamus can’t believe it took him that long to beat friggin’ Daniel Bryan. What the hell, man?

Backstage…

R-Truth: So you want to punch me and blame it on Wade Barrett? Huh? Is that it?

Cena: ….

Truth: What, you don’t think I watch the show? Well, I do. Because that’s all I have to do. That’s right. I’m sad and bored enough that I sit backstage and watch the show I’m on. And I saw you say that.

Cena: …!

Truth: Don’t you talk to me in punctuation! This is serious business! We used to be friends two weeks ago! I’m beginning to think Chris Jericho was right about you and this whole company.

On top of the Downfall building….

Chris Jericho: Go…R-Truth? R-TRUTH?! Are you serious? That’s the guy who’s picked up my campaign about how serious wrestling is? Ugh.

Janitor: Sir…you have to leave. The show’s been cancelled for months. They’re going to put up a Jersey Shore themed lounge up here.

Jericho: Fiiiiine.

Janitor: Um…didn’t Randy Orton put you in a coma or something?

Jericho: No. He kicked me in the head. I get kicked in the head every damn week.

Back backstage….

Cena: …?

Truth: I wish you would just quit. Go to TNA and see how good we’ve got it here.

Cena: &$%^

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Hey, remember when all those awesome people like Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Hulk Hogan, and Triple H went over to Iraq to visit the troops?! Well, just think how disappointed they’ll be this year when they get Tyson Kidd and Yoshi Tatsu.

Evan Bourne vs. CM Punk
For a Spot on Team RAW

Well speak of the devil. It’s teen-rock band Paramore’s favorite wrestler, CM Punk! I guess RAW traded Smackdown’s third round draft pick back to Smackdown for Punk and a Girl’s nXt wrestler to be named later. Here’s hoping it’s either Alexis Laree or the naked internet one, because I don’t have a clue who any of the others are. The entire match is basically Cole marking out for Punk’s ring entrance while Jerry Lawler silently mumbles condolences to Festus and Joey Mercury, and then Punk kicks Bourne in the face for the win. He really wants to win for this show he’s so invested in! After the match Punk locks Evan in the Anaconda Vice to demonstrate how useless Evan Bourne truly is. Usually this is where they’d DQ him for excessive violence, but Team RAW doesn’t want Evan.

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Here’s…Wait…who?

Natalya: Believe me, I don’t know what possessed them to give me mic time either, but I’m going to make the most of it. So…Layla? Michelle? You two skinny bitches come down here right now and accept a title match at Bragging Rights, because I’m honestly a little sick of the Taker Family owning all these WWE titles. It really needs to stop.

Oh God. The WWE Undefined Divas Titles are multiplying!

Layla El: Listen here, beardy, I don’t know where you got your information, but I’ll have you know what I’m not married to the Undertaker. That guy is old. Ew!

Michelle McCool: Um…actually that’s me. I’m married to the Undertaker.

Layla: Oh. Still gross, but it makes a lot more sense now. Anyway, we’re going to go backstage and make up cool new ways to say things. Don’t be jelly! Latas!

The the Rest of the RAW Divas come out. Natalya uses the distraction to lock Layla in the Sharpshooter, but she’s so skinny she slips out and she and Michelle turn sideways and disappear. Play somebody’s music! How about Vladamir Kozlov’s? Why not.

Backstage, The Miz is wearing a little sailor hat.

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The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. John Cena
No Disqualification Match Where the Winner Gets to Be Captain of Team RAW Toot Toot

Miz apparently sweet talked Barrett into making this stipulation upon hearing that Santino Marella was going to be a part of Team RAW. I think Big Show is just going to put a sign-up sheet outside the women’s bathroom and let anybody get in on this. His team is going to consist of himself, Kelly Kelly Kelly, Tiffany, Edna the Receptionist, and Dean Malenko. John Cena’s still got his own music which is kind of ridiculous. Though, once it finally is gone, I’m going to miss the APPLE DOUGH. Apropos of nothing, Michael Cole namedrops Justin Beiber. We all know that Vince McMahon is of that age where he loves him some Justin Beiber. Besides which, Miley is too racy for RAW these days.

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Riley tries to insert himself into the proceedings, but ends up taking an STF instead. However much Miz is paying for him to valet for him is way way too much. He’s like an ineffective version of Maryse. He’s Virgil! Miz grabs the briefcase and takes a swing, but it’s not even at Cena, really, so that was sort of pointless. Husky Harris and Michael McGillicutty hit the ring in their matching pantsuits, and also hit Cena. Miz rolls him over for the pin. Miz finally beat John Cena! It’s the win a year in the making! Nobody bring that up. Cena pops right back up, because that’s how Cena does, and starts laying into Harris and McGillicutty. Husky Harris has some great facial reactions. Barrett runs down to the ring and pulls Cena off, and nearly gets punched in doing so. OOOOooh! No you didn’t, John!

Wade Barrett: Hey! HEY! Did you just almost try to think about punching me? No. Bad Cena! Bad! Haven’t you read our guild’s Wowstead? Rule number one is “Thou shalt not hit, kick, spit on, or muss the hair of, our guild leader Wade ‘Legaleagle’ Barrett irl.” You just tried to mess with me IRL. Not cool! Your Blizzcon Digital Pass privileges are revoked, and you won’t be getting a guild mount during Cataclysm if you keep this up!

Cena: ….

Barrett: Don’t you ellipse at me, mister! And another thing, going around and punching your friends and pretending that I told you to do it? Not cool! That’s not how <The Nexus> operates! I want you to go backstage and apologize to R-Truth. You are a pathetic excuse for a human being, John Cena. And this is a heel saying this. I’m embarrassed for your mother. And also your wrestling teacher, because you’re not any good at that either. I’ve been in WWE for a handful of months, and I rarely ever wrestle, but I’ve still had more good matches than you. And your catchphrase? What does that even mean? “You can’t see me?” Yes, I can! You’re a 6’2” 250lb meathead. You’re awfully hard to miss you idiot. And another thing-

Next Week: Wade Barrett’s rant about the many, many, many things wrong with John Cena continues pretty much unabated. Also, Goldust manages to continue having a feud without anybody noticing or ever wrestling. And Team RAW continues to take shape with the addition of Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz.